Young Writers Society

“Are you ready?” Dom asks me. I look at him. His green eyes are wide and innocent, but I know he is up to something.

“No cheatin’!” I order. He smiles and nods. I pull at the hair hanging around my face; it’s beginning to escape from the braid the Missus put it in earlier.

“It’s the last day of school, no cheating.” He pauses, and then answering the question in my head says, “I promise.” I roll my eyes, not impressed that he read my mind. I crouch down on my toes. I take a deep breath then glance at him. He’s crouched in a position similar to mine.

“On your mark… get set…,” he grins, showing me the spaces in his teeth, “GO!” I take off running, bent on winning for once. It’s the perfect day. The last day of first grade and I’m with my best friend.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the other kids exit the building. They’re later than us as usual, saying their good-byes. I notice Dom pulling ahead of me. I pump my legs hard, not wanting to let him win again. The sun beats down on my neck, and my backpack begins to feel heavy, though it’s mostly empty. I turn my head and watch him, making sure I’m ahead.

I smack into the side of our house and fall backwards. My empty backpack is squashed beneath me, and my plastic lunchbox causes a bulge that arches my back up. I hear Dom giggle behind me. Ouch! He laughed at me. He knew I was going to do that.

“Igneous, are you okay?” he asks. I nod and stand up, brushing the dirt from my hair. My cheek throbs a bit, but I don’t let it show on my face. I narrow my eyes towards him, not wanting to forgive his laughing. A smell tickles my nose from the house. Dom’s eyes light up.

“Cookies!” we yell together. I look at him, smile, and then run to the door, knocking him down along the way.

I walk into the kitchen, and give the Missus a big hug around her round belly. I hear Dom behind me, breathing steadily. I tune my sensitive ears towards his heartbeat; it has a rhythm much different than the others. It calms me.

I kick off my muddy shoes and throw my backpack to the ground. On the table there’s a plate of warm cookies. I lick my lips and reach for one. The lights flicker and the house shakes. I hear loud yelling from down the hall. I ignore it and shove the cookie into my mouth. Delicious. The gooey chocolate melts in my mouth. I glance at Dom.

He’s staring at the Missus with wide eyes. She, too, looks worried. Just before I can ask what’s wrong, men in black enter the kitchen. Then Dom’s beside me, pulling me under the table. He nods towards their guns. Two of the men grab the Missus by her arms and drag her away. She doesn’t fight.

The house gets quiet. There is no more shouting and no more scary men. There’s only the faint sound of Dom breathing next to me. The lights flicker once more and go out. The kitchen is engulfed in darkness except for a small beam of sunlight coming in through the window. Then two of the men come back. The glance around the kitchen, looking in cupboards and such, but they don’t find anything of worth. They crouch down next to us, so they’re at our eye level.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” the younger of the two asks. He has blonde hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t look old enough to be in the army. I glance at Dom, unaware of the danger we are in. His eyes plead me not to answer them. But I do.

“My name’s Igneous,” I say with confidence. “And this is my best friend Predom-Predominate – Predem” I stumble over the word. “I call him Dom.” The soldiers look at each other and nod. I wonder if they can read minds like Dom can. My hand finds Dom’s and I give it a squeeze. For once I see fear in his eyes, and my tummy feels funny. If Dom’s worried, something must be wrong.

Then each of the men grabs one of us. They pick us up, and our hands pull apart. They carry us outside, and the sun makes my vision go funny for half a second. They set us on the ground a little ways away from the house. I look around and see more black suited men roaming the yard. They’re picking up our toys, stuffing them into bags. I almost scream out. Those are mine! Then Dom takes my hand.

A small crowd formed outside a strip of yellow tape. They’re staring at us, some shaking their heads. I glance towards the front side of the house, away from the school down the street. The doctor is being put into a car with pretty lights spinning on the top. His gaze sweeps over the house and yard, stopping on me. He smirks, and I shudder.

I look away, burying my face in my arms. The young man tells us to stay put and then walks to a big truck.

A loud noise erupts behind me, and I whip my head around just in time to see our house go up in flames. The fire feels hot, yet I’m not worried. I think about watering it down, but Dom stops me.

“No Igneous,” he says. “They ain’t here to hurt us.” He points towards big man in the middle of the yard. He’s shouting orders, but I don’t understand what he’s saying. “I readed their minds. They are here to take us to nice families. The doctor was bad.” He itches his nose.

I look at the man and glance at my house burning. Maybe he was right. Maybe they were going to help. I remembered the dirtied white rooms, all the rules, and when all the other kids would be unfair and cheat at games. Then there was the doctor, with him giving our check-ups. No more passing hard tests and being put to bed in those rickety cribs to wake up and find ourselves sick. Maybe things would be better this way.

Shouting interrupts my thinking. The big man is yelling again. He’s waving towards the small groups of kids scattered on our yard. The men head towards our friends. They put the boys in a big white van and the girls in a blue van. I see Finn and Starr; they are two of the older kids. They’re surrounded by people, eyes wide, and hands together. Two men come up behind them. One grabs Finn, pulling him away from Starr. She cries out, but her voice is lost in the confusion. I see her golden eyes flood with tears as Finn is pushed into the van. Two men head towards me.

One grabs Dom and pulls him away. I hold on, but the other guy pulls my fingers away. I scream as the guy walks away with my best friend. I pull away from the man, clawing the ground towards Dom. I get free and begin to run, but then someone grabs a belt loop on my jeans.

I kick whoever is nearest to me as hot tears burst in my eyes. I shriek and thrash about, not giving up on my best friend. I will rescue him from these strange men. A flash of fire nearby causes a confused scream from the crowd. I see the orange flickering in the grass, and on one of the men’s pant legs. He lets out a yelp and smashes his foot down on the fire. I stare at my hand; the skin is black. The man with Dom reaches the white van. He shoves Dom in the back and begins to shut the door.

Nuwwww!” I screech, causing those nearest to cover their ears. “NO DOM! Come back! Come back! NO!” Ice escapes from the fingers, lashing out at the grass. It quickly freezes in place. My face feels hot and my eye sight flickers with flashes of black. The van drives away, and my best friend is gone. I stop fighting and collapse to the ground, exhausted from the day.

“Please come back Dom. Please come back,” I whisper to myself. I catch a whiff of something burning, and decide it’s only my house being burned. I hear boots crunch down on the icy grass. I raise my head.

The young man from before stands in front of me; the look on his face tells me something is wrong. The guy holding on to me slowly lets go. The instance his grasp is gone I pull my knees to my chest, curling up in a ball to hide from the world. I hear the heartbeat of the guy. It’s slow, like any normal humans.

“Igneous,” he says softly. I don’t look up. He says my name again. I can’t ignore the kindness in his voice. I peek at him through blurry eyes. His blue eyes are calm and caring. Maybe he understands. “Hey, calm down Igneous. It’ll be okay.”
I glare at him, knowing it was not going to be okay. I feel heat rise in my hand, but I don’t want to hurt this man. I clamp my mouth down, slowly pulling my anger back inside.

“How?” I snap.

“You’ll see Igneous. Everything will be okay,” he says smiling slightly. I can’t help but smiling too, something about him makes me feel safe. The heat rising in my body cools down. My chest tickles. “Don’t worry, you’ll see Dom again, I promise. But first you have to come with me, okay?”

I nod and wipe my eyes with my hoodie sleeve. He holds out his arms to me, and I jump in, trusting Dom’s words that these people are here to help us. They encircle around my body, warm and safe. I feel small and worthless up against his muscular body, yet I know he’s going to protect me no matter what. He stands up, swaying to the left, and then balances himself. I hear his soft voice fill my ears, blocking out the sounds of the crowd’s harsh murmurs. He takes me to one of the vans, belting me in. I watch him fade as we drive away. He doesn’t break his promise.

It's definitely interesting and I really want to read more. I only saw a few grammatical errors that I saw. I would like to know more about the doctor and her powers. It confused me some when she spoke about his heart beat being different and everything at first. And was the doctor opperating on them because of their powers? Is that why they took them away? That's what you have to remember. You know what's going on, the readers won't. Anyway, keep on writing! I think its a great storyline so far.

Definitely worth continuing!

I liked the start, was a good way of getting to know the characters before everything got hardcore.

No cheating!” I order. He smiles and nods.

“It’s the last day of school, no cheating. I promise,” he says, answering my question before I ask.

This doesn't make sense, the question was asked.

Sometimes the language is a little wooden,

It frosts the nearest men’s boots and pant legs but no ill affect.

ill affect just sounds too formal.

Also a kitchen can't be "engulfed" in slight darkness, it doesn't make sense.

I liked the stuff about the heart beat, it's original and stops the whole thing being too cliche.

Hey thanks everybody! I'll try and fix the problems soon! I appreciate the reviews. Hopefully get the next part written too.

Tiger here to review per request! First of all, let's get down to the nitpicks/ corrections/ mistakes (whatever you prefer to call it, really).

narniafreak12 wrote:“It’s the last day of school, no cheating.” He pauses then answering the question in my head says, “I promise.” I roll my eyes, not impressed that he read my mind. I crouch down on the my toes of my sneakers. I take a deep breath then glance at him. He’s crouched in a position similar to mine.

I smack into the side of the house, and fall backwards. My empty backpack is squished I know 'squished' is correct, but I think 'squashed' would sound better beneath me, and my plastic lunchbox cause a bulge and arches my back up. I hear Dom giggle behind me. Jerk! He knew I was going to do that! GRR….

“Igneous, are you okay?” he asks, in his subtle way He's asked it directly, there's nothing subtle about it . I nod and stand up, brushing the dirt from my hair. My cheek throbs a bit and I know I’m going to get an awesome bruise. A smell tickles my nose. Fresh cookies. I look at Dom, and then run to the door knocking him out of the way.

I walk into the kitchen, give the misses I know the word you're trying to go for here, but it's 'Missus' a big hug around her bugling belly, and then throw my backpack down. I hear Dom behind me, breathing steadily. I listen for his heartbeat; it has a rhythm much different than the others. It calms me.

I kick off my muddy shoes and head to the table. There On top is a plate full of melting chocolate chip cookies. I lick my lips and reach for one. The lights flicker and the house shakes. I hear loud yelling from down the hall. I ignore it and shove the cookie into my mouth. Delicious. The gooey chocolate melts in my mouth. I glance at Dom.

He’s staring at the misses Missus with wide eyes. She, too, looks worried. Just before I can ask what’s wrong, four men in black uniforms enter the kitchen. Then Dom’s beside me, pulling me under the table. He nods towards their guns. Two of the men grab the misses Missus by her arms and drag her away. She doesn’t fight, so I suppress the urge to help her.

The house gets extremely quiet. No more shouting, and no more soldiers. There’s only the faint sound of Dom breathing next to me. The lights flicker once more and go out. The kitchen is engulfed in darkness besides a small beam of sunlight coming in through the window above the sink. Then two of the men come back. The glance around the kitchen, looking in cupboards and such but they seemingly don’t find anything of worth. They crouch down next to us, so they’re looking at us eye level at our eye level.

“What’s your name?” the younger of the two asks. He has blonde hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t look old enough to be in the army. I glance at Dom, unaware of the danger we are in. His eyes plead me not to answer them. But I do.

“My name’s Igneous,” I say without hesitation Well taking the time to notice the man's eyes and glance at Dom might be taken as hesitation . “And this is my best friend Predomination, but I call him Dom.” The soldiers look at each other and nod. I wonder if they can read each other’s minds like Dom can. My hand finds Dom’s and I give it a squeeze. For once I see fear in his eyes, and my stomach churns. If Dom’s worried, something must be wrong.

Then each of the men grabs one of us. They pull us up, and our hands rip from each other's. They carry us outside, and the sunlight clouds my vision for half a second. They set us on the ground a little ways away from the house. I look around and see more black suited men roaming the yard. They’re draining our pool and I almost scream out, but then Dom takes mey hand.

A small crowd has begun formed outside a strip of yellow tape. They’re staring at us; andsome shaking their heads as if we’re a disgrace. I glance towards the west side of the house. The doctor is being pushed into a black and white cruiser. His gaze sweeps over the house and yard, stopping on me. A smirk enlightens his face He smirks, and I shudder.

I look away, burying my face in my arms. A nice lady comes over and gives us some plain crackers and a carton of juice. I spit the juice out, and give Dom a disgusted face. Milk is way better. He just gives me a half smile and looks around. The young man tells us to stay put and then walks to a silver truck. This scene seems a bit out of place. They were both frightened a minute ago, but nothing has happened. And what's with the 'nice lady'? Where'd she come from?

Shouting interrupts my train of thought. A man in a red uniform is giving commands. Then the other men go to the others from the house This sentence is confusing.. They begin separating them, boys in one truck, and girls in another. If anyone tries to hold back, they rip them apart Do you mean they separate the boys and girls forcibly, or that they literally rip them to pieces?. Two men head our way. I squeeze Dom’s hand hard a squeeze is a hard grip. Therefore, you don't need to add the 'hard'., not wanting to let go.

One grabs Dom and pulls upward him away. I hold on, but the other guy pries my fingers away. I scream as the guy walks away with my best friend. I pull away from the man, clawing the ground towards Dom. I get free and began to run, but then someone grabs the belt loops on my jeans.

I kick whoever is nearest to me as hot tears burst in my eyes. I shriek and thrash about, not giving up on my best friend. I will rescue him from these strange men. Without thinking I let out a blaze of fire from my hand. It burns the nearest grass to ash, but doesn’t go much farther. I try ice next, but the result is the same. It frosts freezesthe nearest men’s boots and pant legs but doesn’t do any damage I was hoping for.

NO!” I screech, causing those near to cover their puny ears. “NO DOM! Come back! Come back, Dom! NO!” Nobody acknowledges me, or cares People covering their hands with their ears is acknowledgement. The van drives away, and my best friend is gone. I stop fighting and collapse to the ground, exhausted from the day. The young man from before comes over, and the other guy releases me. I pull my knees to my chest, curling up in a ball to hide from the world. I hear the heartbeat of the guy. It’s slow, like any normal humans, yet in the same type of rhythm as mine.

All in all, this is very good. I'm impressed because there were very few grammatical mistakes, and even more so because you kept up the present tense narration and you were able to use it well. I don't know how to make present tense flow myself.

The story is defintely very interesting. I can't remember the name of it, but it reminds me of that Stephen King novel about a girl with pyro-kinetic abilities. And the Maximum Ride series too (although I haven't read that, I've only read the synopsis). And I really like Dom's full name. I don't understand it yet, but I really like it! Amazing job, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE