Love Sucks (Edited+Expanded)

I've added more, tell me what you think, (not done yet). Sorry that it's a bit long. Thanks

It’s funny how you think that you’re so close to getting that guy to notice you, but then. Your dreams fall miserably, and you just can’t stop liking him.
Tell me about it.

My name is Alissa Packly. I am fourteen. I look a lot like my mum, but not nearly as beautiful; I have okay curves, although I feel I could drop a dress size. I have a pretty face, but my nose is a bit too big for my liking. My lips are full, and I have plain blue eyes. I have long wavy sun bleached hair and light tan skin.

Boys don’t seem to take much notice of me.

On Friday, I had after school band rehearsal with him, and it was going so good. Well sort of, Victoria wasn't there so he was being really nice to me. Then he asked me for my number, and well obviously I gave it to him. Now over a week has passed, and he hasn’t texted or called me, nothing. Maybe I’m just over-reacting.

“Liss, you’re going to be late”, says my mum in her soft, velvety voice.
“I’m almost ready”, I yell back from my room.

I turn to my mirror and inspect my outfit twice over. I am wearing a well fitted white sleeveless dress and small white heels, and it makes me feel good because it’s a slimming dress. I smile at my appearance; I have a small amount of eyeliner, making my already large eyes huge (although they are still that boring blue), and a touch of soft lipstick. Good work, Liss.

I grab my backpack and step through the door and into the hallway. Mum is in the kitchen doing dishes. She has soft blonde hair down to her shoulders and she is very beautiful, her eyes are an amazing jade green.
“Morning darling”, she says, and I smile.

I go to the fridge and a retrieve an energy drink before opening the front door. “I love you”, I yell as I step out and begin my walk to school. I go to the local public school, no uniform required. It’s only a ten minute walk from my house, but by the two minute mark, my feet are killing me. My heels find their way into my small hands, to be replaced when I get to school.

“Liss”, I hear the comforting voice of my best friend Natasha, lined with her signature lisp. She hugs me, and as I walk into homeroom and pushes her large geeky glasses further back on her nose.
“Hey Tash”, I reply happily. Tash is tall with ‘to die for’ legs. She is dressed in a white miniskirt and a black midriff tank top, and she looks good. Guys gawk at her as she sits down next to me. She smiles politely, though she has little interest in any of them; (Tash, polite as always).

We scribble on our planners all through homeroom - planning our next sleepover, which happens to be tonight at my place, and then the bell rings. I grab my backpack and walk with Tash out of homeroom.

“Liss!”, yells Lucas, and he comes running toward us. I blush for a millisecond, ok, maybe a bit longer.
“Lucas!”, I yell back, mimicking his enthusiasm.
Tash walks to her next period and leaves me with Lucas. I love you, Tash. I can’t help but look into his beautiful green eyes; they are so hypnotizing, and dreamy, like the jungle, so fresh and vibrant…
“Liss, hey umm,” mumbles Lucas, not really looking at me, but breaking my chain of thought. “Wow”, he whispers as he looks at me properly (I don’t think he knows I heard him), “wait,” the second bell rings "oh crap, I’m late. Sorry, I’ll see you later Liss".
“Yeah”, I reply and I watch him walk off to his next class. “Damn”, I say under my breath. that was getting so good. I walk - a little sadly - to History.

“You’re late”, barks Mr. Pellipine as I walk into class and dump my bag on the back of the seat. My peers stare at me and make a fuss (apparently I have made a scene) and I grumble at the thought, any excuse to get out of work. I shrug and ignore Mr. P. I don’t care anyway.
.
I wake up, and stretch every muscle in my body while still in the comfort of my warm bed. Saturday, at last, what a relief. I take a quick glance at my watch; it reads 10:00 am. This makes me smile, and I force myself to crawl out of bed.

Tash is on a blow up mattress, and she groans as I step over her to my closet. We were up all night, talking about boys, doing make-overs and wacky new hairstyles. Resulting in lots of photos that have ended up on my myspace.

Tash and I decide to head to the mall at one. Dressed plainly in denim jeans and a plain white-T, I don't really compare to Tash. She looks stunning, and has swapped her ugly glasses for some new contacts.

As I sip my latte, Tash is pestering me about her boyfriend Justin. He’s cute, I’ll give him that, like her, and she ‘loves him’.

“He’s so nice, I could get you a date with his cousin if you want. Like a double date, that would be so much fun!”, She sings.
“Um… nah”, I reply with little emotion.
“Well you could just ask out Lucas” Tash giggles, a cheeky smile meeting her lips. I return her smile.

Lucas walks past, holding hands with a short, skinny, 15 year old model. Her name is Victoria. The name of the devil, I say silently. She has light brown skin, and awesome curves. Her deep brown eyes seem to go forever, and her perfect nose and skin are free of acne and blemishes. She sings, dances, and plays drums. Which makes my only time alone with Lucas (at band) include her. She sneers at me as she walks past, although I tower over her, she does not hide the fact that she feels superior to me.

And I remind myself, Love Sucks.

We walk to Tash’s house. I give her a big hug, and it makes me feel better. And then I walk home.

The next morning I wake up with a killer headache. As I climb out of bed my foot is caught on my blanket, and I fall on the hard wooden floor, flat on my face. Ouch! I think as I pick myself up. My head throbs with pain at each step that I take. “Ugh” I groan. Typical me.

Sunday. Damn, Tash is out with Justin. As I run this knowledge through my mind my mood worsens.
“Honey, are you okay?”, says mum, she must have heard me fall.
“I’m fine mum, I just tripped”, I reply, trying not to show my sour mood.
“Are you sure darling? You sound a bit ill”. Well I guess she did notice my mood.

Walking into the small kitchen I see Mum sitting at the table, sipping her coffee. I can tell she only just got up, because her hair is untidy, and loose around her face. She looks at me, and her face lightens, and then she gasps.
“Honey, what happened”, She asks in a worried tone.
“Nothing, I just tripped”, I reply, but this doesn’t change her worried look.
I feel my forehead and a shooting pain hits me, I almost fall over, again. My skin feels a bit wet, and I pull my hand down to inspect it.
My hand is practically covered in blood.
“Ah!!!”, I scream.
Mum comes to me with a wet cloth and dampens my forehead, and just like before I receive a tremendous pain. She wipes away the blood and inspects the cut, (even though I don’t know exactly how I got the cut because I fell on a flat surface).
“Hmm”, mum mumbles, she doesn’t look worried anymore. “It’s only a small cut”, She says, and she sits me down at the table. “I’ll get you some aspirin”.
“Thanks mum”, I reply, in a happier tone.

After twenty minutes the pain has subsided. I decide to trek back to my room. I lie on my bed and pull out my laptop. I sign on, and to my disappointment, but not surprise, no-one is online. I push my laptop aside, and decide to have a little nap. I am almost asleep when.
BEEP BEEP!!!
That’s my laptop telling me someone has logged on. I flip the cover up and check out the page. My stomach flips as I read the name. Lucas. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
I am in such a good mood I can’t stop smiling.
I’m about to write ‘Hi’ and then I think. Wait, if I ask the first question will he know I like him? I want him to know I like him, but what if he doesn’t like me? I have just confused the hell out of myself. “Ugh” I groan. that’s beginning to become a habit. I wait a few seconds, which turn into minutes, just staring at the screen.
BLIMP!
Someone’s sent me a message. I look at the screen.
Lucas- LIIIISSSS!!!!
*Um…*
Liss- LUUCASS!!!
Lucas is typing a message…
“Watcha doing?”, he asks.
“Nothing much, you?”, I reply.
“Well I was actually gonna go see a movie”, He says.
My heart beats faster.
“Gonna, why aren’t you going?”, I query.
“I haven’t asked her yet”, He replies.
I blush. Geez I’m so pathetic.
I sit there, my line stays blank.
“Why not?”, I reply in the end
“That’s the hard bit”, says Lucas, and I imagine him with a sheepish grin on his face.
“Why”, I ask again
“Because it should be done in person, or at least via phone”.
I just stare at the screen. Lucas logs off. Great.

Love continues to suck.

hey, good that you ended it properly. it seems better...

i liked this new edition are you going to add more to this story?

i felt that the girl kept praising herself ... it would have been better (according to me) if you had also written about how nervous the girl felt...

however it was nice!

very good miss Mo..;D...I'll see you back on my birthday..

Hi again, this is OxfordandOnyx! I was pleasantly surprised this morning to see you made some adjustments to your story, I think you took on the crit very well and that's the only way to grow as a writer (:

OK, some nit-picks

“Liss, you’re going to be late” says my mum in her soft, velvety voice. “I’m almost ready” I yell back from my room

Start a new line when you alternate character speech...

“Liss, you’re going to be late” says my mum in her soft, velvety voice.

“I’m almost ready” I yell back from my room.

As I read through your chapter I cannot help but notice your heavy use of brackets (or parentheses) whatever you call them! It does tell the reader extra information on the side but you could just very simply expand you sentence instead!

I look a lot like my mum, but not nearly as beautiful

“Lucas!” I yell back mimicking his enthusiasm.

Tash looks stunning and has swapped her ugly glasses for some new contacts

In these sentences the round brackets are not needed at all- just expand the sentence with a simple comma!

My peers stare at me and make a fuss (apparently I have made a scene), any excuse to get out of work.

However, I do like your use of brackets in this sentence; I could just imagine her grumbling in annoyance to herself (even though you don't mention her doing this)!

Now for your character, you've given us more description of her which is great. She's starting to seem more real to me, although a little pessimistic.

I have boring grey/blue eyes

my nose is a bit big

have a small amount of eyeliner, making my already large eyes huge (although they are still that ugly blue)

Again, it can be hard to create the balance in the middle and trust me when I say most of us have that problem!

Instead of "A pretty face" and "my nose is a bit big..." How about for example, "I have a pretty face but my nose is a little out of proportion, a bit big for my liking"?

Or, "I have full lips and sullen blue eyes "

I have tried not to change your sentences too much but I just wanted to create some examples of how you could improve on your character description.

Although, she has big geeky glasses, and a lisp, but she is still beautiful

You don't need the 'but' in this sentence if you are going to use 'although', it's one or the other! Also, you say your character has a lisp but she is still beautiful... Doe s a lisp determine whether a person is pretty or not? No. My suggestion is to include the information on Natasha's lisp when she calls out "Liss!". In this sentence you could you mention her glasses, add a few more physical aspects and then close the sentence leaving out the word 'beautiful', as later on you go on to say...

Tash looks stunning...

So, by the end of it all we get an idea of Tash's appearance!

It's great you've given us more information on the whole 'Lucas' situation, because now I feel I can relate more to her. I mean, we've all has boy problems right? However, when you have Lucas walking past with a new girl on his arm you don't really describe how your characters feels about this. You need to include emotion to make her seem like a real person who has just been stung by love!

Lucas walks past, holding hands with a short, skinny, 15 year old model

OK, when you describe this girl... All I see in my head is a doll! 'model' doesn't tell me anything about her. One word descriptions aren't good! Maybe include a little more information, does she has black hair or brown? Freckles or not? Even though she may turn out to be a minor character you can still mould her into a real person.

I also notice how often you describe what the characters are wearing, once can be fine but it gets a bit tiresome if you do this after every outfit change. Tone it down!

Overall, I enjoyed you newly improved chapter! I can already see you growing as a writer so well done for taking on my advice. Yes, this needs a lot of work and it is mo where near done but you are definitely off to a great start (:

PM me if you have any question or if you want me to review any more work!

Good luck

OxfordandOnyx

Hey

Ok, so, i really like this, and i read htrough it and i couldnt see any problems with the plot (i dont look at grammar- i can barely sort out my own ) but there were a couple of teensy things about the characters:

FIrstly, in the part at the end where Lucas is with that model, yor description is very accurate of her, and it souds as if you now her well, but ou only mention that you know her at the end of the paragraph. Its only minor, but i would probably mention that you have band practise with her at the beginning, so the audience can see where you get your descriptions from.

And also, I reallyliked Lucas's character, until the end where he ended up with that model. It confused me a bit, it sounded to me as though he was interested in Alissa (awesome name btw) but then he ends up with another girl, a day later?
Maybe you should have Alissa remind herself that she is probably exaggerating Lucas' interest in her... I think maybe that would make this more believable. Either that or Lucas ends up with a completely diferent personaility than i first thought.

PM me if you expand further

Ella
XOX

Oh this is much better

But i want to know who he asks to the cinema...



I still think you could write another; there a still a few leads you can follow, you could make this into something a lot longer if you wanted.



Ella
XOX

hey, finally you expanded it! sounds much better now!

i am excited to know who lucas will take to the cinema...

Hi there, Mo! I'm here to try and be a good mentor to you, dear ^.^ So, I'll be dividing this into sections, the first one being...

I. Nit-picks!

It’s funny, how you think that you’re so close to getting that guy to notice you, but then... Your dreams fall miserably, and you just can’t stop liking him.

I don't know what other users said about this, maybe even said the opposite of what I'm about to say, but the ellipses aren't needed and only make your MC look a bit whiny. We get the idea of the pause by the words. Also, I feel like 'fall' isn't the exact word that can work best in this sentences. Maybe something like 'fail' or if you add an 'apart' after fall. Remember, these are just suggestions. I usually only take the suggestions on reviews when I feel they are right, so feel no obligation to change your text.

I am 14.

Numbers under 24 are to be written.

but my nose is a bit big for my liking.

There's a 'too' missing between bit and big.

“Liss, you’re going to be late” says my mum in her soft, velvety voice.
“I’m almost ready” I yell back from my room.

Ha ha! Now, we have got major drama. There's a thing called dialogue punctuation, and it does not only involve quotation marks. Example, you should put a comma after 'late' and 'ready'. Every time you say something like "Yes, I'm coming," I said to her or "She said I couldn't even wear high heels," Maria cried out there should be a comma before the ending quotation marks. For more information on this important subject, please check out here, here and here.

I think I look good.

This, I think, would play better if 'I look good', italicized, representing Alissa's thoughts. This is a really good thing, because you are telling us what she thinks and how she feels. Does her outfit make her look sexy? Does she really like it, or wished she had a better jacket or other pair of shoes?

I grab my backpack and step through the door of my room and into the hallway.

This line gets confusing and too fill just for one little thing: there a few words you should cut out to make it easier to read. Like this: I grab my backpack and step through the door and into the hallway. We do realize it's her room, since she dressed herself there and had a mirror and all.

“Morning darling” she says, and I smile.

Comma after 'darling'.

“I love you” I say to her as I step out and begin my walk to school.

There are more words that you could use instead of 'say' example reply or something. If you repeat it too much, it won't be good for your story. Also, walking to school in heels? This girl has some guts

She hugs me as I walk into homeroom and pushes her large geeky glasses further back on her nose.

Here, the end of this sentence is very confusing. I get what you mean, and it's just a matter of wording. It should be like this: She hugs me, and as I walk into the homeroom, Natasha pushes her large geeky glasses further back on her nose.

Tash walks to her next period and leaves me with Lucas I love you Tash I think.

Period before 'I love you'. Comma after the second 'Tash'.

like the jumgle, so fresh and vibrant… “Liss, hey umm,” says Lucas, not really looking at me, but breaking my chain of thought “WOW” he says quietly as he looks at me properly (I don’t think he knows I heard him), “wait,” the second bell rings “oh crap, I’m late. "Sorry, I’ll see you later Liss".

All to quickly to happen within one paragraph. Let's reformat it like this:
[...]like the jungle, so fresh and vibrant...
"Liss, hey, umm," says Lucas, not really looking at me, but breaking my chain of thoughts. "Wow," (keep caps to a minimun)he whispered, as he looks at me properly /I don't think he know I heard him). "Wait-" the second bell rings," Oh crap, I'm late. Sorry, I'll see you later, Liss."

“He’s so nice, I could get you a date with his cousin if you want, like a double date, that would be so much fun!”

Too many commas; break this down.

Her name is Victoria the name of the devil I say silently. She has light brown skin, and awesome curves.

I've been noticing this for all the times past. Every time you want to put a thought of hers in, you have got to close the previous sentence and start a new one. Simple as that.

And I remind my-self, Love Sucks.

It's supposed to be 'myself' and keep the caps down. Words can make an impact just by themselves or with the help if italics, so no need to capitalize 'love sucks'.

“Honey, what happened” She asks in a worried tone.

Question mark missing.

II. Wording
You really have to consider rewording some of your sentences. Mostly, you tell us just what she's doing and you need to spice it up a bit, make it more fun to read. Maybe throw in a bit more of humor or something.
Example A:

“Yeah” I reply and I watch him walk off to his next class. “Damn” I say under my breath that was getting so good I think as I walk to History.

Two things wrong here: there should be a comma after 'yeah', and the last sentence is too dull. Period after 'breath'. Try it like this: "Yeah." I watch him walk off to his next class with a bit of sadness. "Damn," I say, under my breath. Walking to History class, I think on how good that was getting. Or something of the sort.

III. Overall
I liked this. I felt like laughing at poor Alissa at the end. Love does continue to suck xD So, this is actually really good, after all my mentioning and sorts. But you should know I haven't mentioned everything out. You need to review your wording, and your dialogue punctuation, badly. I liked this, it has that teen feeling to it. Nice work!

Hope I've helped!
- Kat

I think I've fixed everything you guys have mentioned.

Thanks for the reviews.

~Mo.

Hey MO.!!
Pudin here as requested!

So I like your story a lot let me tell you. Iy is just so modern and it talks about teenagers and stuff like love; it's just cute. But...Mo, you have to make this story original, because there a thousand teen stories that talk about how love is unfair. So think about it, think about what is so special about this story that makes it unique and original.

Question: was this supposed to be ashort story or some sort of novel or novella? Becasue for either of them everything goes extremely fast and when I'm getting inside the reading, puff!! something else comes. I would suggest you clear out some parts and make the whole story a bit longer.

Nitpicks now

It’s funny how you think that you’re so close to getting that guy to notice you, but then. Your dreams fall miserably, and you just can’t stop liking him.

I personally don't like how this sentence sounds:
Try something like this: It's funny how when you're so close to getting that guy to notice you, your dreams suddenly fall miserably and you just can't stop liking him.

My name is Alissa Packly. I am fourteen. I look a lot like my mum, but not nearly as beautiful; I have okay curves, although I feel I could drop a dress size. I have a pretty face, but my nose is a bit too big for my liking. My lips are full, and I have plain blue eyes. I have long wavy sun bleached hair and light tan skin.

Too much info in just one paragraph. I would suggest you spread this information through the story or write it in a way that doesn't give out too much information for one little paragraph.

with him, and it was going so good

Why didn't you finish the sentence, because at least for me, the sentence seems unfinished.

Then he asked me for my number, and well obviously I gave it to him. Now over a week has passed, and he hasn’t texted or called me, nothing. Maybe I’m just over-reacting.

you could rephrase the whole sentence to make it a lot more interest because I gave him my number sounds too typical teenager and already used in other stories. Try spicing this little things a bit more and you'll see ho your story sounds more interesting.

I have a small amount of eyeliner, making my already large eyes huge (although they are still that boring blue)

I always say this, if you want to clear out something, I suggest using hyphens or dashes not parenthesis

She has soft blonde hair down to her shoulders and she is very beautiful, her eyes are an amazing jade green.

Can you make this more artistic, a bit more writer like? I'm sorry if I sound rude, but Mo, this is a very childish sentence. She had blue eyes, blonde hair and she was very beautiful. This is something so elementary school like. YOu could use so many more interesting adjectives on this sentence.

She hugs me, and as I walk into homeroom and pushes her large geeky glasses further back on her nose.

I think you should rephrase this, try something like: She hugs me and pushed her large geeky glasses further back on her nose as we walk into the homeroom.

and she looks good.

Why do you keep using this? Try a thesaurus because there are other ways in which this could be phrased and sound way better.

I can’t help but look into his beautiful green eyes; they are so hypnotizing, and dreamy, like the jungle, so fresh and vibrant…

I think that this is avery decent wording.

he whispers as he looks at me properly (I don’t think he knows I heard him)

again I suggest dashes instead of parenthesis

My peers stare at me and make a fuss (apparently I have made a scene) and I grumble at the thought, any excuse to get out of work.

The paart in parenthesis could be asily aded to the main sentence using the right puntuation and it looks perfect.

“You’re late”, barks Mr. Pellipine as I walk into class and dump my bag on the back of the seat. My peers stare at me and make a fuss (apparently I have made a scene) and I grumble at the thought, any excuse to get out of work. I shrug and ignore Mr. P. I don’t care anyway.
.
I wake up, and stretch every muscle in my body while still in the comfort of my warm bed. Saturday, at last, what a relief. I take a quick glance at my watch; it reads 10:00 am. This makes me smile, and I force myself to crawl out of bed.

YOu see what I mean? You come from one stuff to another one and none of them relate. That really puts the reader down, or at least me. Even for s short story the transitions from event to event are extremely fast. Or actually there aren't because you go from Mr. P to waking up the other day.

Lucas walks past, holding hands with a short, skinny, 15 year old model. Her name is Victoria.

Tehre are times when you put too much info and other times when you put too little. Here, is almost non-existent, short ans skinny tell ms me basically nothing. Here you can add some of your thoughts about what she looks why is she popular, if she is of course, etc, etc.

We walk to Tash’s house. I give her a big hug, and it makes me feel better. And then I walk home.

List!! Avoid them! It's like if I say,: I went ot the mall and bought apair of sneaker , then I went to the movies and bought chips. It's pretty much like that.

Ouch! I think as I pick myself up

YOu should italicize ouch

After twenty minutes the pain has subsided. I decide to trek back to my room. I lie on my bed and pull out my laptop.

YOu always rush and that tneds to make the sentences as list and use words far to common or expressions that are already use and say nothing. YOu can put what she thought in those twentey minutes.

So the ending was pretty good, interesting, although it could have been better. YOu finish with he asks hesyas and the last thing are her thoughts.

Character.
Honestly, I don't know much about her besides her appearance and that she likes Lucas, but besides that...nothing. I barely know her thoughts because what I mostly read were actions. IN order to make you character likable you have to make it beliavable or give him habits, traits, thoughts. YOu only said what she did and almost nothing from her point of view.

Plot
Extremely rushed but nice for a short story.

Overall
Believe it or not, I liked it. I like stories that portray those complicated feelings of a teenager. It's cute,actually. There are some things that can be improved and I assure you that your story will look extremely great.

PM with questions and please keep me updated on this.

XOXO
Pudin