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The Collection of Asterisks



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Sun Sep 20, 2009 3:37 am
Audy says...



Asterisk - a small starlike symbol (*), used in writing and printing [...] to indicate omission.

Note: Before anyone asks this is not about vampires. This does take place in a different world from our own, and once you read it, you'll notice that there are a few key things that are a little off. This is all intentional :)

Lastly, The Collection of Asterisks is my on-going novel. I'm about a third of the way through. This is just a small part of the first chapter. I hope you guys enjoy.




The night surmounted in fire. Each flame was like contorting arms begging for sustenance. We among the crowd fluttered like moths towards the light. A thumping in my heart aligned with the reverberating beat.

There, the manikins danced in their colorful costumes: a rich array of red and gold, swiveling velvet capes and silk scarves that flowed in intricate designs when choreographed with the group. All wore a tremendous headpiece adorned in feathers, which made them appear twice their height. These monstrous, yet agile creatures were the focus of everyone’s attention. But what held my gaze were the masks. Those beautiful, white masks. White enough to reflect the fire’s glow. White enough to remind me of things long past. Such tainted memories were still vivid in my heart.

But I had come to the carnival to enjoy myself.

The act ended with a bang—the dancers froze in odd poses just as all the surrounding lights were snuffed out. All of a sudden, I could feel the chill of autumn. I wrapped my arms around myself, glancing around to find my friend, and once up at the sky.

The moon had chosen that moment to appear, a ghostly apparition. Alone, it loomed amongst a chasm of infinite darkness, peering out to meet my gaze—and just once, for that small moment, I saw the faint outline of his features etched against white marble.

It slipped by so quickly, as memories often do. When I blinked it was gone.

The music was alive again, and with its provoking charms came the resurrection of the manikins. If you looked away they were gone, leaping off the stage and into the crowd before another moment’s notice. People gasped, retreating as if burned. I was one of them.

Perhaps it was the chill that startled me—or the animated show—perhaps the alcohol had an effect as well, because my imagination was running wild. I found myself cowering in fear. I didn’t want to see him again. Him, whose presence still hung like an after-taste, imprinted in the back of my mind. A distorted image. He was changed and gone forever. No longer would I see the real him again.

These memories! If only I could burn them!

Despite my fear, I was entranced by the performance, much like I would be if I were watching any horror film. Most of the dancers exited the scene. Some disappearing into a mist of smoke, others climbing with due haste onto conveniently placed ropes. There was one manikin left. He weaved around the crowd, still dancing to the hypnotic rhythm; he selected a volunteer with his white hands. She was a pretty, petite woman that could pass off as Mona from this distance. I glanced around again, but my friend was nowhere to be found. Could it be her?

There was no telling from this distance.

The encircling musicians pulled into a tighter circle, caging us all. A wall of sound pushed the crowd forward, towards the stage where the manikin danced. First, by the waist he supported her, lifting her up with little effort. She held firmly to his shoulders and the two of them spun around like tops. Faster and faster. The violins were screeching, building up the tension as the audience held their breaths.

It had to be her, I decided. Mona was once a dancer in her days.

One swift movement later, she climbed up to his shoulders, still spinning. Faster and faster! They were but a blur of movement.

He shot her up. Mona flew like an arrow. Spinning, spinning, spinning. Lights were flashing. The music was deafening. I had to clench my teeth to the sound.

She did several twirls as she came back down. Two, three flips. The crowd was silent. The music stopped.

He caught her! Then he snapped her in half... Like a twig.



There was no blood. No screaming. Just a deformed body, which he threw to the ground unconcerned. Upon realization that she was no puppet came the screaming from the aroused crowd.

People ran, frantically—chaotically. Just as quick, the manikin chased after them. Those who stood stock still, framed in fear were saved. As witnesses.

I stood staring. Into the eyes that bore out of that beautiful, white mask. Sunken black, dilated eyes. He caught up to a man this time, and they danced to the song of agony.

He didn’t take long to kill him—a snap of the neck. The next victim he grabbed within reach. Then shook his body with some kind of animal strength. It was then that I realized…

He didn’t have a mask after all. He was the puppet all along. The real manikin. Somebody behind me seemed to have come across the same realization.

The man clapped his hands. “What a show,” he said with dead-beat eyes. “What a show.”
Last edited by Audy on Mon Sep 21, 2009 12:27 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sun Sep 20, 2009 5:20 am
Hippie says...



Great atmosphere. I like how you create an aura of mystery around the manikin.

I was a little confused with your use of the word him. For example, you wrote:
The moon had chosen that moment to appear, a ghostly apparition. Alone, it loomed amongst a chasm of infinite darkness, peering out to meet my gaze—and just once, for that small moment, I saw the faint outline of his features etched against white marble.

When you said his features, I thought you were refering to the moon's features. Then later you say:
I found myself cowering in fear. I didn’t want to see him again. Him, whose presence still hung like an after-taste, imprinted in the back of my mind. A distorted image. He was changed and gone forever. No longer would I see the real him again.

Because you haven't introduced another character, one assumes you're referring to the moon again (if indeed you were in the first place). A name would help eliminate the confusion.

Yet another memory to add to the collection.

I thought this was unnecessary, and it kind of distracts the reader from the story. Unless it becomes of some significance later, I think you should cut it.

He didn’t have a mask after all. He was the puppet all along. The real manikin. Somebody behind me seemed to have come across the same realization.

The man clapped his hands. “What a show,” he said with dead-beat eyes. “What a show.”

I don't understand the man's reaction, but perhaps you were going for that.

I thought this was very wel written. You've created a supernatural and mysterious atmosphere, without making me feel lost or confused. Good work.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.
  





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Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:23 pm
Xunnamius says...



*The monster approached the thread... and tore it to pieces! Then, as the pieces of literature fell back to the floor, he brought them all back together again!*

Audy wrote:The night surmounted in fire.

Surmounted? As in "overcame/defeated" in fire? Might want to reword this one :wink:

Each of the flame like contorting arms (was?) begging for sustenance.

This sentence irks me. Something sounds a little off when I transition from "flame" to "like." Did you mean flame-like (The flame-like arm contorted, begging for sustenance.) or flame was like (The flame was like a contorting arm, begging for sustenance)?

We, among the crowd, fluttered like moths towards the light.


A thumping in my heart aligned with the reverberating beat.

This sentence kinda pops up outta nowhere at me. It doesn't go with the rest of the "fire" themed sentences above. It's not bad, just struck me as weird--which might be the effect you're going for :P

They flowed in intricate designs when choreographed with the group.

Rephrase.

They aAll wore a tremendous headpieces adorned in feathers, which made them appear twice their height. These monstrous, yet agile creatures were the focus of everyone’s attention. But what held my gaze were the masks. Those beautiful, white masks. White enough to reflect the fire’s glow. White enough to remind me of things long past. Such tainted memories were still vivid in my heart.

For the underlined "Monstrous" and "Agile," are they really similar enough (yet different enough) to put on either side of a "yet?"

Maybe Monstrous (makes me think ugly) yet Elegant (makes me think beautiful, despite their ugly)?
Or Towering (makes me thing big tall clunky hulk) yet Agile (makes me think swift, and nimble, despite their size)?

The moon had chosen that moment to appear, a ghostly apparition. Alone, it loomed amongst a chasm of infinite darkness, peering out to meet my gaze—and just once, for that small moment, I saw the faint outline of his features etched against white marble.

Your use of "his" there is very confusing. As Hippie pointed out, "I thought you were referring to the moon's features." I'll let him take it from here :lol:

People gasped, retreating as if burned. I was one of them.

Wait, what just happened? People got scared? People got burned? Running as if burned? Consider rewording this slightly.

Most of the dancers fled the scene.
Why would they flee? Does something scare them? Or is this part of the dance? Maybe "fled" isn't the best word for this one.

There was no telling from this distance.

Semi-redundant from the previous paragraph. Consider rephrasing.

The encircling musicians pulled into a tighter circle, caging us all. A wall of sound pushed the crowd forward,forward, towards the stage where the manikin danced. First, by the waist he supported her, lifting her up with little effort. She held firmly to his shoulders and the two of them spun around like tops. Faster and faster. The violins were screeching, building up the tension as the audience held their breaths.


I had to clench my teeth to the sound.

Might also want to reword this.

He caught her! Then he snapped her in half... like a twigs.

Whoa!

He didn’t have a mask after all. He was the puppet all along. The real manikin.

So he was a puppet all along, yet he was the real manikin? Or is that last one an unfinished sentence? :wink: Nevermind, I thought you meant manikin as in "short man," but I think you mean mannequins/dummies! My fault.

Very intriguing. Especially towards the end, when things got violent. What is your novel going to be about (generally)? You've piqued my interest :lol:

Not much to comment on plot-wise, since this is only a excerpt, but I was surprised when I reached the end so quickly. Make more :D
Out of English and into Programming!
This author is taking a break from his stories to create new ones in the world of C(#).

He'll be back. I promise!


What anime am I watching?
  





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Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:51 pm
Jetpack says...



Hey, Audy. I just saw your request, but I was going to review this anyways, so it all works out rather well. I haven't read the other reviews, so apologies if I repeat everything, but even then it should serve to cement the issues, so that's okay.

The night surmounted in fire. Each flame was like contorting arms begging for sustenance. We among the crowd fluttered like moths towards the light. A thumping in my heart aligned with the reverberating beat.


As an opening, I'm not sure I like this. There are no commas, if you look; it's all just short sentences, repetitively, with no variation. It might just be my reading it with a critical eye, but that jumps out at me, because there's no flow. It's all short, staccato, whatever you want to call it, and maybe for the idea of a beating heart this isn't the best rhythm.

Each flame was like contorting arms begging for sustenance.


This sentence doesn't sit well with me because of the conflicting singular and plural phrases. I think this should read as follows. Each flame was like a contorting arm begging for sustenance. Unfortunately, that throws off your simile, so you might have to rework it. And an afternote: you can include a comma after "arm[s]", to combat that flow issue I mentioned.

swiveling velvet capes


Swivelling? That's far too mechanical for a display like the one you're describing. Just change it to "swirling".

that flowed in intricate designs


This is quite badly phrased. An intricate design is fixed rather than flowing, so I think you have to rephrase.

These monstrous, yet agile creatures were the focus of everyone’s attention. But what held my gaze were the masks.


I think this should all be one sentence. Again, it's about making the flow less choppy.

provoking charms


This would be better as "provocative charms".

into the crowd before another moment’s notice.


Cut that last phrase, from "before" onwards. It doesn't make grammatical sense and adds nothing to the piece.

perhaps the alcohol had an effect as well, because


Either cut the clause about the alcohol, or start a new sentence with it. I think you should cut it, because it's a very real concept to introduce in such an airy scene.

imprinted in


This should be "on" rather than "in", I think.

Most of the dancers exited the scene. Some disappearing into a mist of smoke, others climbing with due haste onto conveniently placed ropes.


Sorry, but I got the impression that this was outside? Must be me, and the description of the moon. Anyway, this should all be one sentence, with a comma after "scene" instead of a full stop. I think "exited the scene" is a bit weak as well, so maybe consider playing with that verb.

weaved around the crowd,


I think this should read "weaved among".

pass off as


Cut "off".

The encircling musicians pulled into a tighter circle, caging us all.


You've repeated "circle". Replace it with "surrounding" in its first instance.

First, by the waist he supported her, lifting her up with little effort.


This reads quite badly, and also you refer to the volunteer - Mona - as "her" and "she" with little prior introduction. You need a name or noun in here before you switch to pronouns. Also, this would read better as follows. First, he supported her by the waist, lifting her up with little effort. Even that, though, begs the question of whether "supported" is a good word here, if he'd lifting her up. It doesn't fit.

The violins were screeching, building up the tension as the audience held their breaths.


You should cut "building up the tension". Your writing should do this itself, and you shouldn't have to tell us when we're feeling tense.

I had to clench my teeth to the sound.


This seems like an odd reaction, but okay. It should be "at the sound" rather than "to", IMO.

Then he snapped her in half... Like a twig.


No ellipsis here. A full stop would work better.

from the aroused crowd.


"Aroused" is too weak a word for this situation. Just cut it if you can't think of something a bit more frightening.

Those who stood stock still, framed in fear were saved.


Comma after "fear".

I stood staring. Into the eyes that bore out of that beautiful, white mask.


All one sentence.

The next victim he grabbed within reach.


He grabbed the next victim within reach. Better?

Somebody behind me seemed to have come across the same realization.


This reads awkwardly. Consider rephrasing it.

Okay, that's all for nitpicks. Unfortunately I didn't have time to appreciate the full horror of this, focussing more on the language as I was, but from what I did connect with it seems pretty scary. Your flow is off, though, in most places, and you need to work on including commas and not just littering your piece with full stops.

Love the ending.

This is well written; just watch out for the things the other reviewers and I highlighted. Keep writing.

- Jet.
  








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