Acomia- Land of Dragon Trainers

OK, I am really new to this kind of writing so excuse me if it's historically inaccurate!
*Edited. Thanks for your suggestions guys! It really helped! Thank you! *

“There girl, hold still, I’m almost done.” I hit the bolt with my hammer, fitting it smoothly with the rest of the armour. The dragon snorts and dances in place. Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.
One more bang of my hammer and I’m finished. “There, I‘m finished.”
Linder cranes her long neck around and looks over her new armour. I can see my reflection in her big intelligent eyes. She breathes her approval.
“Thanks,” I reply.
“Sarika!” A familiar form steps into the blacksmith tent.
“Oh hi, Anny.” I walk over to greet her. As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist. Her golden hair is curled and tied back with a yellow ribbon.
“Wow, you did a really good job.” She admires Linder’s armour but doesn’t approach the dragon. Linder starts to reach her muzzle out to sniff Anny’s hand.
“Thanks,” I step over and gently push Linder’s muzzle away. Anny doesn’t like dragons, Anny doesn't like dragons but has learned to be around them over the years; However, she is still kind of scared of them.
Anny and me are so opposite from each other it amazes me how good we get along. While she prefers to stay inside and do housework, I absolutely have to be outside with the dragons. I got my job in dragon blacksmithing from my father, who is away in the war.

“What did Martin send you for?” I knew this because that’s usually the only reason Anny came out here. Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division -the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”. Most dragons can’t talk, only certain ones can speak directly to humans.
“Martin wanted me to see if you were done fitting the dragon yet. He wants to see you.”
“Well, I’m done.” I don’t even ask why he doesn’t come ask me himself. Martin has authority- and he uses it. I take off my protective chaps and lay them on the workbench.
I give Linder a pat on the neck. “OK, go show Thomas. He’ll show you what to do next.” She snorts and obediently exits the tent.
Anny and I follow behind her, walking side by side down the cobblestone street. Horse hoofs clip clop, another hammer hits metal, and somewhere an instrument plays. People are talking and laughing all around.
I take a deep breath, taking in smells of fresh baked bread, horse, and a hint of smoke.
Anny stops in front of the tailor shop. “He is in here.”

After saying our good-byes I step inside and sure enough, Martin is there. He’s standing at the front counter talking with a very bewildered looking seamstress.
I stand quietly, politely waiting for him to finish.
“So then I say to him: How could he not see it? Forget the fact of rain!”
The seamstress meets my eyes and we share our confusion silently.
Martin is a natural leader, he takes his work very seriously. But he can be a little . . . Strange. Sometimes he talks about things that make no sense. He seems to think that everyone knows what he means. He has a thin face and a beard on his chin, light color eyes, and a small scar on one cheek. He’s wearing a tunic with our army’s colors - green and dark red with a symbol of a dragon head and wing.
Finally, he notices me.
“Ah, Sarika!” He booms. “Come, join us.”
I step around a barrel to get to where he’s standing.
“Yes sir?” I try to sound formal.
“Have you finished fitting Linder?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good,” He nods, bobbing his head in an almost comical way. He leans against the counter. “You’ve become quite the blacksmith haven’t you?”
I shrug modestly, secretly delighted.
“Well, I think you deserve a treat. How would you like to visit the training camp. I know how much you like the dragons.”
My eyes widen in excitement. “Oh yes sir! Thank you!”
He smiles. “Good, later this afternoon than?”
I nod grinning from ear-to-ear. He waves me out with a motion of his hand. Barely able to contain my excitement I run out into the street laughing.
The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world. I have always wanted to see one up close. I hurry home to get ready.

Hey there! I'm Lauren and I'll be your reviewer today!

First, I'd like to say that this was very interesting and different. I like the fact that it's centered around dragons (something not done a lot anymore). And I enjoyed the flow you had and the atmosphere/setting you are creating.

Anyways, on to the review.

Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.

This is very telly. There is a lot here that could be put into more detail and be more shown instead of told.

“Thanks,” I reply.

"Reply" is such a boring tag. Nothing is wrong with say/said or answer/answered. Reply is definitely boring though (at least to me).

Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division (the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”.) Only certain dragons can speak directly to humans.

O.o That is one long, unpronouncable name there. Now, there's nothing wrong with such a name (you do have a good reason for that to be the full name of the town) but it is a tad hard on the reader. Not being able to pronounce names is hard on a reader and takes them out of the story. I suggest either changing the name completely, or giving it a sort of shortened and easier to pronounce nickname.

She snorts and exit’s the tent.

The apostraphe is not needed. It should just be exits.

Some non-grammer things...

There is a lot in this piece that could be better describled. Like the blacksmith tent, the town, and the tailor shop. What are they like? How do they look/smell/feel for your characters? What things stand out most? What are most important? They say you should have around 5 lines of description after introducing a new character or location. Now, I would say you should follow this religiously but it's a good guide. More important things (like towns and major characters) should be described more in depth and less important things (characters/locations only visited breifly) should be described less.

Hope I've helped you out some. And again, I really enjoyed this and am looking forward to reading more.

Keep Writing!

Lauren

Alright, this is my first review so here goes. (:

The first thing I noticed when I read this piece was the lack of description. It just keep going without giving me anything to go on. Plus, it didn't help that you repeated your words a lot.

I believe you have a good, solid idea here, but you need to work on the writing part a little. It kind of droned on and I never really got hooked. Sure, the dragon's were interesting, but there wasn't really any flair.

Oh, and last, I wanted to mention your dialogue. It was really dull. I could pretty much predict what your characters were going to say next. I'm sure you could leave most of it alone if maybe you added more emotion to your characters and what they are saying. Etc, Etc.

With that said, I do want to tell you that I did like it. It really is a good idea, though I may be a little biased being that I love dragons and the like. I really hope that I helped you and I apologize if I sounded harsh. (:

Hi, Pretty Crazy, I'll be your reviewer for today. ^^

She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.

Be careful here...you're starting to enter "hokey" territory. "Mystic" dragons? Hot pink dragons? It's a rather ridiculous image and it's preventing me from taking the story too seriously. It's fine for the dragon to be a pink shade, but hot pink is over the top.

Anny doesn’t like dragons, she’s learned to be around them,

You have a comma splice here; this would sound more natural if there was a "but" after the comma. Then make the next clause its own sentence.

Well, I haven’t always been, I started out as a stable hand, cleaning stalls, grooming and such.

There's another comma splice here: that first comma would be better off as a semicolon or colon, depending on how much of a stop you want. I've noticed a lack of punctuation besides the basic commas and periods so far; try to experiment with other forms as they'll liven up your writing more.

Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division (the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”.)

Holy crap...that name is O_o. Yes, I know in fantasy that there's an (unfortunate) precedent for unpronounceable complicated names, but honestly that name looks like you banged on a keyboard to come up with it. Once again, it's pulling me from the story because it's too ridiculous for me to take seriously. I don't detect a particularly comical/satirical tone, so the ridiculous aspects can't be excused. If you want your fantasy world to be believable, don't go so over the top; make it moderate enough for the reader to accept.

Only certain dragons can speak directly to humans.

This seems like a bit of a non sequitur; find a way to incorporate this more directly into the narrative, and at a more appropriate place.

Me and Anny follow behind her.

"Anny and I".

I love our little town of Horzaxidialoi.

You don't need to say this; just the description in the previous two paragraphs (which was quite good at painting a picture while not being over the top) is enough to imply that the narrator loves the town.

The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world. Dragons everywhere! I can’t wait!

The voice here, especially with the "(In my opinion)" and the last two sentences, becomes almost uncomfortably immature. It'd be appropriate if the narrator was ten years old, but I've been getting the impression that she is a teenager. Make her age more obvious from the outset so that it's easier to judge if her "Dragons everywhere! I can't wait!" is appropriate or not.

Overall thoughts:

This is a solid story. Your prose style is, by and large, clear and easy to read and carries the story forward with no extra frills. There's no purple prose, thankfully, which is a major relief to me after reading fantasy story after fantasy story that attempts (and fails) to imitate Tolkein. The breezy, down to earth style is perfectly appopriate to the main character's personality as well, even though I was a bit confused as to how old she was.

The trouble is, though, there's nothing really to distinguish the story. The fantasy land is barely described, and feels rather generic to boot--the idea of dragon riders has already been done before, so you need to do more to make yours unique than making your dragons hot pink. I do like the idea of different kinds of dragons, which you hinted at in the beginning: I'd suggest focusing more on that aspect, because that could be an avenue for major conflict, as well as interesting battles (different types of dragons have different trainers, different ways of fighting, for example).

I think my biggest issue with this story is it feels too sparse right now. There's barely any description of anything, save a paragraph or two on the town and a line or two for each people--I can't even picture the dragon, and in fact I don't think the dragon was described in any way besides being hot pink. Given that the story is called "Land of Dragon Trainers", that isn't a good thing. Give us a concrete image of the dragon. Show us her massive girth, her wings, her glistening scales, etcetera. Just saying "dragon" conjures up different images in different peoples' minds. Some will see a snakelike Chinese dragon, others will see Saphira from Eragon, still others might see Puff the Magic Dragon. Show us what your dragon specifically looks like and it will banish all confusion.

Quite a few things seem to be happening too much too soon, for very little reason, such as the Anny's appearance and the trip to Martin. I don't really get a feel for any of their characters because the tone is too sparse, almost cursory. I'm glad you're not infodumping, like so many young fantasy writers do (you've no idea how many stories I've seen on YWS that start like "There is a land called [X], where a war has been raging for over NINE THOUSAND years, and the rebels are fighting against the evil emperoer blah blah blah"). However, you're going too far in the opposite direction. There's so little description or elaboration on anything that the story feels less like a story, and more like the bones of a story. An outline, if you will.

There's already a lot of potential in this piece, it just needs so expansion. Don't be afraid to go more in depth into your characters, or elaborate deeper on the fantasy world--anything to make it more unique than every other Tolkein clone out there.

Best of luck in your endeavors, and PM me if you have any questions/comments/concerns. ^^

Hi Prettycrazy!!

Pudin here as requested. YOu'll have to excuse for this but I'm not a big fan of dragon stories, but don't worry I'll review it and try to help you.

So first of all, some nitpicks.

Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.

This is all I know about the dragon, that is hot pink and impatient. Some more description about it would have been good,like physical description: Was it bigger than others? what was special about him? what was different? Something that could make me see the pink dragon more clearly. Now about the color, it's definitely original, but quite awkward, at least for me since I've read lots of dreagon stories. But don't worry the color is very origina, although shade sounds more dragon-story like. Then the capital after the semiclon is not needed, it should be lower-case.

Anny doesn’t like dragons, she’s learned to be around them, but she is still kind of scared around them

This sentence is quite not so good. I think that you could make two sentences out of this one. Example. Anny doesn't like dragons but has learned to be around them over the years. she is still kind of scared of them, though. This is just an example because the sentence itself is not bad but it could be brokem down and still sound good.

I have to be outside with the dragons.

Shouldn't it be "prefer".

Well, I haven’t always been, I started out as a stable hand, cleaning stalls, grooming and such.

What does this have to do with the whole sense of the paragraph? And if it does, then I think you should untite it and take out the first part. Example: That’s how I got the job of an armour fitter, although I started out as a stable hand, cleaning stalls, grooming and such. I think it sounds better like this, without the first part and keeping the sense of the sentence.

Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division (the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”.)

Ok, unlike the other reviewers, I have no problem with the name although I do agree with them in that thi smight sound to complicated to other readers. Then I think that the explanation of the name should be placed between dashes instead of paranthesis since at least to me, looks confusing.

exit’s

It should be exists, without the apostrophe.

I stand quiet and politely wait for him to finish.

I think that quiet, since is descibing the verb stand, should be quietly. I also think that you should take away the and, since without it sounds,well...better, at least to me.

The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world. Dragons everywhere! I can’t wait!

Like in the other one, I think you should use dashes instead of paranthesis. The two last sentence sound too, childish in my opinion.

Overall.
It was good, quite original. But I feel there is very little description, for example, I know nothing about Sarika. The place is barely described so I didn't quite get into the story. Also, Sarika needs more characterization, something that makes me love her or hate her, something more about her habits, her way of being.
About the whole surroundings, I thinkt that they also lack descriptin and that's quite not good because I'm seeing the sotry in black and white. This part of the story you dedicated yourself at mentioning the actions, just what she did.
I think this has potential, but you need something more to make it unique, there are already thousands of books about dragon riders, so think of it: what makes this different?
What is so unique about this story? besides the hot pink shade. lol
YOur writing style is good and I liked it, but you need to go deeper into the story and show us what you see in your head

So this is all. I liked it and I'd like to read more about it.
PM me if you need anything. I'll be lling to help you in anything you need,

Pudin

She breathes her approval.

I kind of know what your meant to say here, but I would choose a different word than "breathe." It just sounds weird and it doesn't really fit with what you're trying to convey.

Anny doesn’t like dragons, she’s learned to be around them, but she is still kind of scared around them.

I've already noticed that you tend to tell way too much instead of showing. Take the above sentence as an example. It would be much better if you showed that Anny doesn't like dragons. For example, she could nervously edge away if the dragon goes near her, or say something like "Will you please keep her away from me?" You don't have to tell your readers everything. We're smart people (well, okay, most of us are). We can figure out how a character feels about something on our own if you put in the right descriptions.

I take off my protective chaps and lay them on the workbench.
I give Linder a pat on the neck.

Be careful not to begin too many sentences with "I", especially not right in a row.

"Okay, go show Thomas."

You just lost me. Who's Thomas? The dragon's owner?


So, overall, I liked this. It was interesting to read, and your title definitely drew me in. (This is probably just because I'm a dragon fan, but what person with any common sense isn't?) The only thing that I find a bit lacking is your description, but this can be easily fixed by adding in some more details. You also need to flesh out your characters a lot more. So far they all seem very generic and shallow to me. I'd love to see their personalities a little more strongly. Also, I'm confused about the main character's relationship to Martin. Some clarification on that would be nice.

I liked this, though. Keep up the good work!

“There girl, hold still, I’m almost done.” I hit the bolt with my hammer until it fits smoothly with the rest of the armour. The dragon snorts and dances in place.
Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.
One more bang of my hammer and I’m finished. “There, all done.”


“There girl, hold still, I’m almost done,” I muttered as I hit the last bolt with my hammer, fitting it in smoothly with the rest of the armor. “There, all done.” Linder snorts and dances impatiently in place, her pink scales shimmering in the sunlight. Linder has always been an impatient dragon.
Too much info at the beginning here- focus more on detail than information. You don’t need to tell us right away that she is impatient- we’ll find out through your writing. I would also wait for a more convenient time to tell us what type of dragon she is.


Linder cranes her long neck around and looks over her new armour. I can see my reflection in her big intelligent eyes. She breathes her approval.


‘examines’ or ‘scrutinizes’ are better word choices for ‘looks over’ also, I think you mean armor instead of armour.
I would leave out the second sentence- see my reflection in her big intelligent eyes- it just sounds weird. Maybe something like- she appraised her reflection in the shiny new metal plates and breathed her approval.


“Thanks,” I reply.
“Sarika!” A familiar form steps into the blacksmith tent.
“Oh hi, Anny.” I walk over to greet her. As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist. Her golden hair is curled and tied back with a yellow ribbon.
“Wow, you did a really good job.” She admires Linder’s armour but doesn’t approach the dragon. Linder starts to reach her muzzle out to sniff Anny’s hand.


‘starts to reach her muzzle out’ sounds odd. Try to rephrase that. Maybe like ‘Linder edges foreword and attempts to sniff Anny’s hand, but Anny backs away from the dragon frightfully.


“Thanks,” I step over and gently push Linder’s muzzle away.
Anny doesn’t like dragons, she’s learned to be around them, but she is still kind of scared around them. Anny and me are so opposite from each other it amazes me how good we get along. While she prefers to stay inside and do housework, I have to be outside with the dragons. That’s how I got the job of an armour fitter.


Anny and I.
I still think it’s a little too explanatory. It’s a little too early for me to learn about his job as a blacksmith too. You don’t always have to introduce a character like-
This is linder. Linder is a dragon. Linder has pink scales. Linder is impatient. Linder is half fire half mystic dragon. Linder is intelligent.
This is anny. Anny doesn’t like dragons. Anny and I are opposites. Anny is girly.
You shouldn’t have to tell the audience directly what your characters’ personality traits are. I think being indirect is the way to go. I mean, instead of saying, ‘Julie is rude and messy’ you could say she had unkept hair and wrinkled clothes, and through her speech you could hint her rudeness. Everything doesn’t have to be so direct.



Well, I haven’t always been, I started out as a stable hand, cleaning stalls, grooming and such.
“What did Martin send you for?” I knew this because that’s usually the only reason Anny came out here.


The only reason Anny comes out here.



Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division (the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”.) Only certain dragons can speak directly to humans.


Could you at least give a smaller nickname to that?



“Martin wanted me to see if you were done fitting the dragon yet. He wants to see you.”
“Well, I’m done.” I don’t even ask why he doesn’t come ask me himself. Martin has authority- and he uses it.


-and he uses it whenever possible.



I take off my protective chaps and lay them on the workbench.
I give Linder a pat on the neck. “OK, go show Thomas. He’ll show you what to do next.” She snorts and exit’s the tent.



Linder snorts obediently and exits the tent.



Me and Anny follow behind her. We walk side by side down the cobblestone street. Horse hoofs clip clop, another hammer hits metal, and somewhere an instrument plays. People are talking and laughing all around.



Anny and I follow behind her, walking side by side down the cobblestone street.



I take a deep breath, taking in smells of fresh baked bread, horse, and a hint of smoke. I love our little town of Horzaxidialoi.
Anny stops in front of the tailor shop. “He is in here.”
After saying our good-byes I step inside and sure enough, Martin is there. He’s standing at the front counter talking with a very bewildered looking seamstress.
I stand quiet and politely wait for him to finish.
“So then I say to him: How could he not see it? Forget the fact of rain!”
The seamstress meets my eyes and we share our confusion silently.
Martin is a natural leader, he takes his work very seriously. But he can be a little . . . Strange. He has a beard and a thin face. He’s wearing a tunic with our army’s colors - green and dark red.



Strange, how? Maybe a little more explanation there?



Finally, he notices me.
“Ah, Sarika!” He booms. “Come, join us.”
I step around a barrel to get to where he’s standing.
“Yes sir?” I try to sound formal.
“Have you finished fitting Linder?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good,” He nods, bobbing his head in an almost comical way. He leans against the counter. “You’ve become quite the blacksmith haven’t you?”
I shrug modestly, secretly delighted.
“Well, I think you deserve a treat. How would you like to visit the training camp. I know how much you like the dragons.”
My eyes widen in excitement. “Oh yes sir! Thank you!”
He smiles. “Good, later this afternoon than?”



Than- then



I nod grinning from ear-to-ear. He waves me out with a motion of his hand. Barely able to contain my excitement I run out into the street laughing.
The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world. Dragons everywhere! I can’t wait!



A few comments:
I have to say I love your writing. Its really creative and original and I really enjoy reading it! Im a huge fan of dragons, too.
One big suggestion I have is to use a thesaurus- there’s an easy, accessible one attached to Microsoft Word which helps me sometimes. A few interesting words or descriptions can really liven up a story- especially a fantasy! So take advantage of that.
I see a LOT of potential in this story- if you have the patience to drag it out more. Things need to be described; your characters need to have better, longer introductions. I think before you make a strangely sudden turn of events (sending Sarika off to training camp) you need to focus on giving the reader a larger background. What is the society like in this story (what kind of things are normal, what people wear, any laws (just give us a gist, of course))? And give us a lot more time with the characters. It’s like we just figured out their names, and then were like ‘hey lets go on an adventure!!’
I have a lot of complaints for your characters. Your writing for the characters, actually. The dialogue is terrible. Its just incredibly boring. It tells us absolutely nothing about them or anything else. I got the impression that Sarika was a boy (am I right?) but I wasn’t sure because I don’t remember you mentioning anything about him/her. I thought the moment that Anny, this pretty little blonde thing, comes walking through the doors, they would be flirting or something. I don’t know why, it just felt like there should be something there… the descriptions of Linder were boring (which is pretty pathetic because she’s a DRAGON), and Martin should have more personality too.
Also, since my impression in Linder was bigger, I kept picturing her outside in the sunlight when she was getting fitted for armor. Instead, she fits snugly inside a TENT. Those are small dragons.
Im just gonna rant a little more about Sarika. Is it a boy or a girl? Seriously! I don’t know why I’m having trouble with it. I have no idea what age he/she is either. I mean, they’re a blacksmith, so I assumed at least teen, but near the end they sounded COMPLETELY childish.
Well, that’s about it I guess. I mostly agreed with all the other reviews, however, I don’t see a problem with a hot pink colored dragon. I LOVE the idea, actually. If the character Sarika is in fact a boy, I like the idea of him with a pink dragon. I don’t know why but I like it.

let me know if you have any questions!

I am very excited for this! I love dragons so...I love this! Keep on writing!

Alright. The first thing that I noticed is a lack of description. While you do a good job describing the dragon, the piece lacks a background description of the setting, room, place, wherever. The story moves along at a good pace, I have trouble picturing it in my mind, however. I enjoyed reading this, and the dialogue is really well done. I just think that you need to describe the setting better in order to enable the reader to picture what's going on. Great start!

Hey! I usually like to read the beginnings of stories before I read and review the second part, so here I am. I noticed that you don't have any reviews on your edited version, so I'll just quickly review this before I go and do the second chapter. So let's get started! (Just beware that I like to nit-pick! )

Nit-Picks

One more bang of my hammer and I’m finished. “There, I‘m finished.”

Maybe reword this a bit. It's sort of awkward because you say 'I'm finished' in the description and then you right away say it again.

As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist.

This would probably work better if the description of the dress is a new paragraph.

Anny doesn’t like dragons, Anny doesn't like dragons but has learned to be around them over the years; However, she is still kind of scared of them.

Take out the second 'Anny doesn't like dragons'.

But he can be a little . . . Strange.

No need to capitalize 'strange' because it's not a separate sentence.

How would you like to visit the training camp.

Should be a question mark.

“Good, later this afternoon than?”

Then.

(In my opinion)

I would try to avoid using brackets as much as possible. They really aren't that professional. Also, this is still part of the sentence, so you don't really need to capitalize 'in'.

And that's it for the nit-picks!

Overall

I think that this is a very good start to your story. You have strong writing, and it's very interesting. Just watch out for the few problems I mentioned, and you'll be fine.

I'm really interested to see what happens next, so I'll just head over to your second part and review it as well! See you around!

~ Trish

Hi Pretty Crazy! Lilicia here with your promised review.

This is a very interesting and original story. I like the fact that you chose dragons - hardly anyone writes about them anymore, and they're a very interesting species! I also like your writing style - however, I suggest you put in a little more showing, not telling.
Some nit-picks:

Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.

The bolded 'h' shouldn't be capital.
I agree with the other reviewers - there's too much information in this to take in. Maybe move some of the info to a later part in the story, like when Anny comes in and Linder tries to sniff Anny's hand, for example? At the moment this block of descripition throws the reader out of the story.

One more bang of my hammer and I’m finished. “There, I‘m finished.”

The dialogue isn't necesary here.

I can see my reflection in her big intelligent eyes.

To break this up a little, I suggest you put a comma after 'big'. Apart from that, a good description.

As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist.

The comma after 'dress' should be a full stop.

Anny doesn’t like dragons, Anny doesn't like dragons but has learned to be around them over the years; However, she is still kind of scared of them.

Why doesn't she like dragons? Please explain! Remember, show, don't tell.
Also, get rid of the second 'Anny doesn't like dragons', and uncapitalise the 'h' on however.
You'll find that the sentence will flow more nicely.

Anny and I are so opposite from each other it amazes me how well we get along

I put my corrections in red.

Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s division -the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”.

I know so many people have pointed this out already, but that name is too complicated. Creative, but complicated. I suggest shortening it, so it's more readable.

“Well, I’m done.” I don’t even ask why he doesn’t come ask me himself.

Don't forget the 'and' between 'come' and 'ask'.

Anny stops in front of the tailor shop. “He is in here.”

Should be 'there', instead of 'here'.

The seamstress meets my eyes and we share our confusion silently.

I really like this, great description.

“Well, I think you deserve a treat. How would you like to visit the training camp. I know how much you like the dragons.”

Question mark after 'camp'.

“Good, later this afternoon than?”

Than should be then.

Ok, nit-picks finished!

I suggest just reading through your work a few times, making sure to avoid any little grammatical errors, and finding any descriptions that might be a bit too heavy, and shortening them.
But, apart from that, I like your style and this is a very strong and interesting plot!

I'll read the next chapter soon!

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

Payback for reviewing my story. bold is my reviews and comments.

“There girl, hold still, I’m almost done.” I hit the bolt with my hammer, fitting it smoothly with the rest of the armour. The dragon snorts and dances in place. Most of the time dragons are usually calm and happy to wait while they’re being fitted, but this is Linder; Her impatience is her greatest flaw. She’s half fire dragon and half mystic dragon, giving her an unusual hot pink color.

One more bang of my hammer and I’m finished. “There, I‘m finished.”

Linder cranes her long neck around and looks over her new armour. I can see my reflection in her big intelligent eyes.What color? Hot pink like the rest of her? She breathesA tad awkward to me- maybe snorts. just my opinion. her approval.

“Thanks,” I reply.

“Sarika!” A familiar form steps into the blacksmith tent.

“Oh hi, Anny.” I walk over to greet her. As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist. Her golden hair is curled and tied back with a yellow ribbon.

“Wow, you did a really good job.” She admires Linder’s armour but doesn’t approach the dragon. Linder starts to reach her muzzle out to sniff Anny’s hand.

“Thanks,” I step over and gently push Linder’s muzzle away. Anny doesn’t like dragons, Anny doesn't like dragons but has learned to be around them over the years; However, she is still kind of scared of them. you say that Anny doesn't like dragons twice.On a different note, who doesn't like dragons! =)

Anny and me are so opposite from each other it amazes me how good we get along. While she prefers to stay inside and do housework, I absolutely haveitalics would look cool on have. to be outside with the dragons. I got my job in dragon blacksmithing from my father, who is away in the war.

“What did Martin send you for?” I knew this because that’s usually the only reason Anny came out here. Martin’s the general of Horzaxidialoi’s Oh meh gosh amazing name!division -the town’s name comes from dragon tongue; meaning “place of many fields”. Most dragons can’t talk, only certain ones can speak directly to humans.

“Martin wanted me to see if you were done fitting the dragon yet. He wants to see you.”

“Well, I’m done.” I don’t even ask why he doesn’t come ask me himself. Martin has authority- and he uses it. I take off my protective chaps and lay them on the workbench.

I give Linder a pat on the neck. “OK, go show Thomas. He’ll show you what to do next.” She snorts and obediently exits the tent.

Anny and I follow behind her, walking side by side down theBusy? cobblestone street. Horse hoofs clip clop, another hammer hits metal, and somewhere an instrument plays. People are talking and laughing all around.

I take a deep breath, taking in smells of fresh baked bread, horse, and a hint of smoke.

Anny stops in front of the tailor shop. “He is in here.”

After saying our good-byes I step inside and sure enough, Martin is there. He’s standing at the front counter talking with a very bewildered looking seamstress.

I stand quietly, politely waiting for him to finish.

“So then I say to him: How could he not see it? Forget the fact of rain!”

The seamstress meets my eyes and we share our confusion silently.

Martin is a natural leader, he takes his work very seriously. But he can be a little . . . Strange. Sometimes he talks about things that make no sense. He seems to think that everyone knows what he means. He has a thin face and a beard on his chin, light color eyes, and a small scar on one cheek. He’s wearing a tunic with our army’s colors - green and dark red with a symbol of a dragon head and wing. Nice description!

Finally, he notices me.

“Ah, Sarika!” He booms. “Come, join us.”

I step around a barrel to get to where he’s standing.

“Yes sir?” I try to sound formal.

“Have you finished fitting Linder?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good,” He nods, bobbing his head in an almost comical way. He leans against the counter. “You’ve become quite the blacksmith haven’t you?”

I shrug modestly, secretly delighted.

“Well, I think you deserve a treat. How would you like to visit the training camp.? not . I know how much you like the dragons.”

My eyes widen in excitement. “Oh yes sir! Thank you!”

He smiles. “Good, later this afternoon than?”

I nod, grinning from ear-to-ear. He waves me out with a motion of his hand. Barely able to contain my excitement I run out into the street laughing.

The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world. I have always wanted to see one up close. I hurry home to get ready.I don't think you need the n my opinion; it's first person POV so each statement is intertwined with your thoughts.

Overall: Very good! i love the story! you have amazing talent, keep writing!

i love dragons as i have researched them for four years and am still doing so today and in my personal opinion this is a wonderful personification of them well done well done and as my mother would say "i am sure this will be a hit as sure as i am the sun will rise tomorrow morn"

I love how you gaze the dragons some good, in-depth personalities, same with your human characters.
YOur writing is strong and Sarkia has a nice narrative voice.
I love this piece, since I love dragons, not something really seen the Eragon books
You rock!
Write on
~WickedWOnder

Linder cranes her long neck around and looks over her new armour.

It's armor.

The training camps are (In my opinion) the best place in the world.

I don't think you really need the "in my opinion" because the story is in 1st person POV.

“Oh hi, Anny.” I walk over to greet her. As always, she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist. Her golden hair is curled and tied back with a yellow ribbon.
“Wow, you did a really good job.” She admires Linder’s armour but doesn’t approach the dragon. Linder starts to reach her muzzle out to sniff Anny’s hand.

When a new person speaks, don't continue like a paragraph.

I can see my reflection in her big, intelligent eyes

What color? Add commas.


I didn't see a whole lot of mistakes. Just a little.

Organization- When starting a new line of dialogue, it's a new line.

Craft- I didn't really see a lot of craft. Snapshots, Thoughts, ect. would make the piece more interesting. It feels as if it's just dialogue, and a setting.

Details- You say good things to describe, such as "she’s wearing a freshly pressed dress, today it’s a pink one with yellow flowers to match the ribbon tied around her waist. Her golden hair is curled and tied back with a yellow ribbon. ". Much, much better than just saying "I walked over to greet her" as many would. Describing the dragon was good, but you lack background description, ect.

Editing- I didn't see a lot of mistakes, which is good. I live in the USA, so armor may be Armour.

Overall, I like this piece. Are you going to continue?