An extract from my novel: Red Vendetta

This is an extract from my novel. The main character and her boy. Please check, review, correct, and leave your comments. Rated PG-13.
Thanks for helping.

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I was standing in front of him, with my eyes closed and my hands clenched into fists, trying hard not to jump over him and kill him; that was my desire, the only desire I was not willingfull to fulfill. But it didn’t matter to him that I was the most dangerous threat to his life. He suddenly moved forward, I opened my teary eyes and looked at him with a painful determined look on his face. He extended his hand at me and touched my face softly. I shivered; the smell of blood in his wrist was unbearably tempting and powerful.

“Drink” he said softly, standing still, with no hint of fear in his voice. He extended his arm at me with his wrist up.
I couldn’t believe his words. It was almost suicidal of him. I wanted to take his offer though, but I was afraid; I feared for him…and for me. I feared I wouldn’t stop and I would kill him; I feared that his cursed werewolf blood might be like a poison for me.

“Drink it” he said, demanded actually. “You won’t hurt me” his tone was softer now.
I was shaking. I was trying so hard not to take his offer and give in to my demonic thirst, but he made it impossible. With his right hand he caressed my face slowly, placing his hand in my mouth and tracing the contours of my lips. But he didn’t move his hand from it, as if wanting me to take in the tempting blood. Quite unthinkingly, I grabbed his wrist and instead of placing his hand in my mouth I placed his wrist. I took a deep breath, letting the sweet smell enter my nostrils, and with a swift movement I kissed it, caressing his skin with my mouth.

“Do it” he demanded with a strong voice. “Drink it, now!!” he said. I was shaking, crying endlessly but that was the command I was waiting for. As soon as he said it, almost out of instinct, I placed my mouth in wrist once again and slowly let my sharp fangs penetrate his skin. I felt his body stiffened as he shivered and I started letting the blood run.

Its taste was delicious; it was like a gift from heaven for a damned demon like me. It was warm and fresh, like an old bouquet of the best brand, delicious and addictive, capable of letting your inner self reveal and bring out the most unbelievable desires. It was so tasteful and good that it was almost like a sin. I savored each drop of blood I could get into my mouth and even licked the small holes my fangs had made.

He began moving closer to me slowly. I could feel him, I could feel his warm skin getting closer and closer, when suddenly it was not his skin but his lips. He suddenly began kissing my hair and caressing my face with his free hand. He slowly let his lips travel al through my hair and they started coming from my hair to my cheek and from my cheek to my neck. I felt the kisses begin to get more passionate; I shivered when he kissed my neck and even arched my spine. I suddenly stopped paying attention to the flowing blood and began paying attention to his kisses.

I was suddenly not drinking, just licking and kissing as small drops of blood ran through my tongue to my throat. But he was now nibbling in one part of my neck, kissing and nibbling while his other hand found a way under my shirt. I stopped drinking but sill had his wrist in my mouth, just savoring the last drop of the running blood as it flowed and fell in my shirt. He continued kissing my neck as his hand began moving up underneath my shirt. But eventually he playfully nibbled in my ear and kissed me.

“Stop it and kiss me” he said. I instantly let the bloody hand fall and turned around to kiss him. I threaded my fingers in his hair while pushing his face closer to mine. His hands felt scorching against the cold skin of my back but I liked it. He kept moving his hand from my hips to my waist while pressing my body harder against him. I was out of myself now, as I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pressed me against the wall, kissing me while the blood of his wrist was still staining my clothes.

And at one moment my head swirled and I was blank. All I could feel were his kisses and his warm skin against mine. I knew nothing and understood nothing. I lost track of time and even place. I only knew that he was with me, touching my skin in a soft manner and the soft white sheets over us, but above all I felt him, I felt I was his.

My mind eventually began opening, letting a small glint of consciousness into the darkness I was in. I hadn’t fallen sleep but my mind had shielded itself, without me knowing it. I blinked, trying to focus and I saw the mid morning light penetrate the dark thick curtains of my room. I opened my eyes wide and looked around. I was in my room, in my bed, covered by my sheets but the white linoleum was stained with blood and my clothes were scattered all around the room. And then I realized it, I realized what had happened. I concentrated on bringing back the memories but they were just a blur, and enjoyable blur I have to say.

I quickly turned around hoping to find him, but all I found was a piece of paper adressed with my name.

Danielle:
Sorry I had to go but your blood sucking friends are coming back sooner that expected and I’m sure am not a pleasant guest. But I hope I’ll see you tonight.
I love you
Taylor.

I love you, I echoed in my head. The words stung in my heart like a thousand of bees and I cried…cried for him, cried for the cursed love he had for me. It was a pleasure I could not afford.

It was beautiful! The best thing I've read of yours! I don't know where this fits in with the rest of your story; if this is part her her past that she's trying to forget or what-- but it's amazing. This is completely within character; this is a piece of true Danielle.
BRAVA!
One nitpick:
"an old bouquet of the best brand..."
A bouquet of what? Because that strand of words is a little unclear.
The rest of this was fantastic. WOw!! Keep it up!

Epic...thats really all I can say.

I loved your, well style is the obvious choice, but really I loved the feel of the entire peice, a kind of distant spectating mood where this is all framede in fantasy but put before us like it could be a tome of happening.

Very well done, I want to see the finished product!

My God, Juni! This was just what I needed to read right now! I loved your style, dear. Your wording made me want to cry, and I could really see it all happening before my eyes. But, even beyond its perfection, you know I'm picky enough to find minor things to point out

I. Small, tiny, minor things (vocabulary and such)

trying hard not to jump over him and kill him

I don't like the repetition of 'him', here. Maybe 'jump over him and take his life' or something of that sort.

the only desire I was not willing to fulfill

I think 'willingful' would sound better than just willing. Makes it a bit more dramatic, in my eyes.

He suddenly moved forward, I opened my teary eyes and looked at him with a painful determined look on his face.

Wrongly worded, dear. Something like: 'He suddenly moved forward, and I opened my teary eyes to look at him -- he was wearing a painful, determined look on his face.' It doesn't has to b like this, obviously, the things here are that there are words missing in the middle of this and punctuation.

I shivered; the smell of his blood in his wrist

Word missing. Only 'in' sounds a bit off, so 'running through his veins' or something, because just in his wrist sounds a bit weird.

“Drink” he said softly, standing still and with no hint of fear in his voice.

Comma after 'drink'. I think the order of the rest is wrong. 'he said softly, his voice without any hint of fear. He was standing very still.'.

“Drink it” he said, demanded actually. “You won’t hurt me” his tone was softer now.

Commas after 'it' and 'me'. I think the 'actually' sounds too casual for this tense situation, but maybe that's just me

With his right hand he caressed my face slowly, placing his hand in my mouth and tracing the contours of my lips.

Comma after the first 'hand', and there's no need for the 'and', you can just trade it for another comma. I'm in anti-and mood xD

“Do it” he demanded with a strong voice.

Again, comma needed.

I placed my mouth in wrist once again and slowly let my sharp fangs penetrate his skin.

'I placed my mouth on his....'

I could feel him, I could feel his warm skin getting closer and closer, when suddenly it was not his skin but his lips. He suddenly began kissing my hair and caressing my face with his free hand.[...]I suddenly stopped paying attention to the flowing blood and began paying attention to his kisses.[...]I was suddenly not drinking,

Too many suddenlys. I suggest you take out every single one, except for the first one; it would do you good.

I stopped drinking but sill had his wrist in my mouth, just savoring the last drop of the running blood as it flowed and fell in my shirt.

'sill' should be 'still', and the second 'in' should be 'onto'.

“Stop it and kiss me” he said.

Comma after 'me'. Demanding, ain't he? xD

as I wrapped my legs in his waist and he pressed me against the wall,

'in' should be around his waist.

I saw the mid morning light, penetrate the dark thick curtains of my room.

No need for the comma

Sorry I had to go but your blood sucking friends are coming back sooner that expected and I’m sure am not a pleasant guess.

Comma before 'but' and 'guess' should be guest, I believe?

And your ending just... killed me. I really liked it. It was a passionate scene, but nothing us, young readers, could not afford to read xD

I'd definitely would like to see more of this, mainly because I can't get the character of Danielle straight. She seems... submissive and not strong minded. I hope I'm wrong, since I like strong female characters ^.^ I noticed you have posted more of this, on your portfolio, so I'm off to read those.

I'm sorry this review couldn't be more than nit-picks and such, but I can't help you anymore than one last suggestion: how about a bit more of Danielle's thoughts? I could get what she felt (pretty well) but her thoughts on the matters. She was crying, we know why in generally, but was there something else, more particular?

Have a good night,
- Kat

*writewatiwant* pointed out most of the nitpicks, so I'll just comment on the whole thing itself.

Enthralling, another piece I could read from start to finish effortlessly. Your style is unique; it suits the overall mood of the piece just right -- especially that ending! Fix those nitpicks and you'll have quite the story there.

If you happen to finish the entire novel, PM me. I'd love to read it!

I'm interested in how this part fits in to the rest of your novel, and where.

Hello, Roon here! I actually had to rewrite this review, as my computer ran out of juice just as I was about to post it. I actually almost threw it across the room. If this piece hadn’t been so intriguing, I would have just left it lol! Anyways, I’m going to start with nitpicks. To save copying and pasting, yes I’m lazy, I will just put the whole thing as a quote. Sorry if that seems rushed, but I have a lot to do.

I was standing in front of him, with my eyes closed and my hands clenched into fists, trying hard not to jump over him and kill him; that was my desire, the only desire I was not willingfull << Willing>> to fulfill <<fulfil>>. But it didn’t matter to him that I was the most dangerous threat to his life. He suddenly moved forward, I opened my teary eyes and looked at him with a painful determined look on his face. He extended his hand at me and touched my face softly. I shivered; the smell of blood in his wrist was unbearably tempting and powerful.

I don’t think this is the best way you could begin this piece. The jump over him and kill him is quite odd, I can’t see how this would work. Maybe it’s the way it’s phrased, it makes me wonder what their positions are. Is she high above him? Or is it her vampire powers? If so, why would she have to jump over him to kill him?

“Drink” he said softly, standing still, with no hint of fear in his voice. He extended his arm at me with his wrist up.

I couldn’t believe his words. It was almost suicidal of him <<it actually sounds like it is a little suicidal, what I think you should do is say he was being reckless or something>>. I wanted to take his offer <<either put a comma before though, or lose it>> though, but I was afraid; I feared for him…and for me. I feared I wouldn’t stop and I would kill him; I feared that his cursed werewolf blood might be like a poison for me. << the feared thing gets a little old towards the end of this>>

“Drink it” he said, demanded actually. “You won’t hurt me” his tone was softer now.

I was shaking. I was trying so hard not to take his offer and give in to my demonic thirst, but he made it impossible. With his right hand he caressed my face slowly, placing his hand in my mouth and tracing the contours of my lips. << I like this description>> But he didn’t move his hand from it, as if wanting me to take in the tempting blood << I don‘t think take in is the right phrase>>. Quite unthinkingly, I grabbed his wrist and instead of placing his hand in my mouth I placed his wrist <<you say placing and placed in the same sentence>>. I took a deep breath, letting the sweet smell enter my nostrils, and with a swift movement I kissed it, caressing his skin with my mouth.

“Do it” he demanded with a strong voice. “Drink it, now!!” he said. I was shaking, crying endlessly but that was the command I was waiting for<<had been waiting for sounds a little better>>. As soon as he said it, almost out of instinct, I placed my mouth in wrist once again << read this sentence again, I think you’ll realise that it doesn’t make sense>> and slowly let my sharp fangs penetrate his skin. I felt his body stiffened <<stiffen>>as he shivered and I started letting the blood run.

Its taste was delicious; it was like a gift from heaven for a damned demon like me. It was warm and fresh, like an old bouquet of the best brand<<I don‘t understand the reference here, also you apply old as being new and fresh, you may want to rethink this>>, delicious and addictive, capable of letting your inner self reveal <<I don’t think this quite makes sense, reread it, you’ll see what I mean>> and bring out the most unbelievable desires. It was so tasteful << I think this really refers more to an object being tasteful, as in you have taste… if you see what I mean. Maybe say it’s delicious?>> and good that it was almost like a sin<< pretty sure it could be classed as a sin, but I quite like this line, so unless you can think of anything better, then leave it>>. I savored each drop of blood I could get into my mouth and even licked the small holes my fangs had made.

He began moving closer to me slowly<<comma before slowly>>. I could feel him, I could feel his warm skin getting closer and closer, when suddenly <<comma before and after suddenly>>it was not his skin but his lips. He suddenly began kissing my hair and caressing my face with his free hand << this seems a little awkward if he‘s up close as well>>. He slowly let his lips travel al << all>> through my hair and they started coming from my hair to my cheek and from my cheek to my neck. I felt the kisses begin to get more passionate; I shivered when he kissed my neck and even arched my spine. I suddenly stopped paying attention to the flowing blood and began paying attention to his kisses. << you repeat paying attention, I don’t think it works>>

I was suddenly not drinking, just licking and kissing as small drops of blood ran through my tongue to my throat. But he was now nibbling in one part of my neck, kissing and nibbling while his other hand found a way under my shirt. I stopped drinking but sill had his wrist in my mouth, just savoring the last drop of the running blood as it flowed and fell in my shirt. He continued kissing my neck as his hand began moving up underneath my shirt. But eventually he playfully nibbled in my ear and kissed me. << you say nibbled and kissed too much>>

“Stop it and kiss me” he said. I instantly let the bloody hand fall and turned around to kiss him. I threaded my fingers in his hair while pushing his face closer to mine. His hands felt scorching against the cold skin of my back but I liked it << comma before but>>. He kept moving his hand from my hips to my waist while pressing my body harder against him. I was out of myself now, as I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pressed me against the wall, kissing me while the blood of his wrist was still staining my clothes.

And at one moment my head swirled and I was blank <<This is awkwardly phrased, maybe a moment later?>>. All I could feel were his kisses and his warm skin against mine. I knew nothing and understood nothing. I lost track of time and even place. I only knew that he was with me, touching my skin in a soft manner and the soft white sheets over us<< you say soft twice in the same sentence>>, but above all I felt him, I felt I was his.

My mind eventually began opening, letting a small glint of consciousness into the darkness I was in. I hadn’t fallen sleep but my mind had shielded itself, without me knowing it<< I would cut it all apart from my mind had shielded itself>>. I blinked, trying to focus and I saw the mid morning light penetrate the dark thick curtains of my room. I opened my eyes wide and looked around. I was in my room, in my bed, covered by my sheets but the white linoleum was stained with blood and my clothes were scattered all around the room. And then I realized it, I realized what had happened. I concentrated on bringing back the memories but they were just a blur, and <<but not and>>enjoyable blur I have to say.

I quickly turned around hoping to find him, but all I found was a piece of paper adressed <<addressed>> with my name.

Danielle:

Sorry I had to go but your blood sucking friends are coming back sooner that expected and I’m sure am not a pleasant guest. But I hope I’ll see you tonight.

I love you

Taylor.

I love you, I echoed in my head. The words stung in my heart like a thousand of bees <<I don't like this simile if i'm honest>> and I cried…cried for him, cried for the cursed love he had for me. It was a pleasure I could not afford.

This was very intriguing. Your storyline seems good, the pace is great. You don’t describe your surroundings at all. We have no idea of where this takes place. As this is only an extract I’ve read, I don’t know anything about your characters, and because it is only short I can’t really talk about character development. How far along is your story at this point?

I like the air of mystery surrounding the friends though. I find myself wanting to know more, who are these friends? What makes her different? How did they meet? How will it work? You need to make sure it doesn’t turn into one big cliché. Forbidden love between two sworn enemies. You also need to make sure you add depth to your characters, as from this piece we don’t really know much about them, apart from the fact that they are lovers.

I think you should add a scene about the night they spent together, it doesn’t have to be graphic, just say something, the jump is odd, and a little confusing. Also, the note is a little odd. It doesn’t sound as romantic as it could do. Other than that, it’s fine.

I think, as I say, you need to work a little on the opening, to really hook the reader, I was hooked from about the second paragraph, you need to boost that up to being the first.

The flow is nice, and the pace seems good. But I would like a bit of character description as well. I don’t know what part of the story it was from, so I didn’t know whether I should be feeling anything at different points.

The story could be excellent if it’s all carried on in such a wonderful fashion, keep it up, let me know if you post anything else, I’d love to see it, you know where I’ll be!

Sorry again for the late reply, technical troubles and dramas at home ate up my time and focus lol!

~ Roon

I am really impressed, I'm not usually that interested in the whole Vampire thing but i really enjoyed this extract. I mostley liked (call me a perv if you will ha ha) the way you blended the act of Drinking the blood, into the act of sex (I'm assuming thats what happened?) making the point that they are both in their own way rather erotic.
I'm not going to say anything about the punctuation as i think the chaps above have pretty much said all that can be. But i think i know what went on. I sometimes have the problem myself, when you are writing such an intense scene (as this certainly is) you can sometimes get carried away, and go off on great tangents, forgetting to punctuate properly.
All in all this gets my thumbs up without a doubt.

hey, pudin...nice story...

okay i will discuss here: plot narrative

this plot is very intriguing and to be honest, i love it. Becasue there is a twist.

You were able to let the reader be engaged with the words for almost half of the story then at the end of the story, you revealed a fact that totally changes the reader's mind. In this story, you revealed that it was some kind of memory but at the first part of the story, you invited the reader to a vampire romance and engage them especcially by their romance.
That kind of romance, i cannot yet do and i am very touched by the description of the words. SO, back to the plot....

you begin the story with a life threatening. It is almost that she will kill him and he insist to let her kill him. Intriguing and it grapples the attention of the reader. It is followed by a romance and youw ere able to blend it perfectly with his "suicide" and from tehre, you emphasize the romance.

At the end was the interesting part for me becasue you showed the reader that it never actually happen. It is a twist and by doing this, not only you let the reader want to understand the story but also it lets them think more onto the plot and what is actually happening. Above all, you gave them suspense at the end and let them want more of your story.

Overall, i applaud your work, pudin...good work.