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Child's play part 2



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Sun Aug 30, 2009 5:54 am
empressoftheuniverse says...



Child’s Play: Part Two
Rated a loose R for “thematic” elements (I’ll star the passage so you can skip it if you feel the need)

Please read part one; you won’t understand this otherwise. Thank you. 

A girl with straight black hair and cold blue eyes sat down across from Priyesh. Her face held the same look as his, full of some unidentifiable something that conjured in Mimi a feeling of nervous elation. Her hair had strips of lipstick red and swollen vein purple that clung to her features and matched her elaborate face paint. She regarded Mimi with slight disdain before saying. “Hello…roommate.” The last word was drawn from her ashen lips; it seemed, unwillingly. She glared at Mimi with a mixture of appreciation and disdain.

“I’m sorry? Roommate?” Mimi gazed up at the long, pallid face with multiple piercings and down at the necklaces, chains, and crosses strung around her thin neck, looking more than a little nonplussed.

Priyesh intervened. “Mimi, you will be living in the dorm next to Lilith’s. It’s the only vacant one in the girls’ dormitories. I’d imagine you two will get to know each other pretty well, the next few nights.” Priyesh smiled slightly at Lilith, who smirked back.

“Well, I just came to see what you look like, Milanka.” She drummed her neon green nails against the table and studied Mimi like the squirming contents in a Petri dish.

Short; terribly short with wide, sleepy brown eyes and supple lips; a round face framed with dirty blonde curls… she looked so soft, so easygoing. No scars, no needle marks, no lines across her gentle features. No signs of someone who had faced hardship of any kind. She had the distinct air of someone who has been well cared for; or who has cared for themselves so well that their cheerfulness is utterly self-contained and supplemental to the happiness one would find in a healthy upbringing.

Lilith felt a sort of inner thirst being quenched, while hating Mimi for quenching it. She did not want to be in awe of Mimi’s demeanor but she was; and it irritated her immensely to face a person who bore her pain so well that no sign of anguish bore mark upon her face. It was just… inhuman.

****Mimi grew hot under Lilith’s derisive stare but said nothing, silently noting the intricate lines of red crisscrossing up and down her arms, not attempting to hide. The cuts were fresh, not even a day old; and made with a delicate blade by a seasoned veteran. Mimi could tell that Lilith put time, planning and effort into the design, possibly even standing in front of the mirror watching the thin lines of blood stream down her body, smiling at her work as the blade bit into her soft flesh, moving quickly and mercilessly along her thin arms.

There were deep scars and shallow ones; which meant that Lilith had experimented with pressure and strokes; increasing with her excitement until the deed ended with one beautiful, remarkable, and unspeakably terrible gash across her left shoulder; the one where she got a little too carried away; where she was brought back to her white, sterile bathroom were blood was flowing freely into the sink, blood was sprinkled on the mirror, blood pooled beneath her feet, and Lilith stood there: smudged makeup and greasy striped hair, reveling in her masterpiece. She held her breath and listened to blood drip, felt it slide down her arms to the tips of her fingers; felt the mounting tension as it pulled downward, forming into a droplet, and shuddered in ecstasy as it landed on the floor with a beautiful “Plunk! Plip! Splish!” Later, she would clean up; put antiseptic on her wounds, later she would wash her face and go to dinner. Later. But now she dipped one finger into the blood and swirled it around languidly, smearing it across her chest. It was warm, so warm, and seemed to throb with a rhythm all its own. She closed her eyes and let it slide down her stomach, shaking with pleasure, sickness and pain. *****

Lilith noticed her stare and leaned forward.

“There isn’t one single thing you can’t get your hands on in this pace. Drugs, alcohol, sharp edges… you want it, someone will be able to provide it.” Lilith’s eyes burned flickering flame blue as they met Mimi’s. “So... what’s your craving?” Mimi looked down at her hands before replying,

“ Quite honestly, I have an insatiable addiction to centuries-old champagne that was found in Benjamin Franklin’s hidden cellar… and opium that was grown by nuns in Argentinean convent; packaged with holy wafers in a box made of elaborately carved gold and carried to America by barefooted virgins.” Priyesh snorted and Lilith looked at Mimi with appreciation.

“Alright princess, don’t tell me what your problem is. But everyone’s going to know, sooner or later. There are no secrets at Jeremiad’s.” And with that Lilith stood up, straightening her five-foot-ten frame, and said, “Don’t forget about the party, Priyesh. And invite my smartass roommate, will you? I wouldn’t want lose any time bonding with her.”

When she had left the cafeteria, Priyesh smiled. “Lilith is the queen of dysfunctional teenagers; she has an intensive schedule with no group therapy. They’re afraid she’ll sow seeds of rebellion in our peers, but…” Priyesh broke off and struggled with the expansive concepts he was trying to crush into simplistic terms.

“You’ll soon see that there are two kinds of people here. The kind that band together against the institution, who defy treatment, and those who put up a good fight in the beginning… but burn out. You’re either a flickering candle, or a forest fire in one square foot of forest.” He broke off, his eyes color of murky marshes shrouded in fog and desolation.

“Chuck was pissed off with what you said today. I chimed in because I wanted to share a little of the blame… but tomorrow is going to be brutal for you.” The cafeteria was nearly empty now, and Priyesh waited as a large group passed by their table before continuing on a more cheerful note. “But hey, at you’ll be taking him on with a solid thirty minutes of sleep and a belly full of Dos Equis. The party is in Deli’s room; we have some free time right now if you want me to show you the way—”

“Who said I was going? I’ve got to unpack, make some calls, and take a few deep breaths. I don’t want to be coerced into joining any occults just yet.”

Priyesh was aghast. “You’re not coming? Lilith didn’t just invite you. She gave an executive order. Besides, what about that speech on ‘new sensations’ and ‘trying everything?’ Don’t tell me that was a bunch of bullshit.”

Mimi sighed. “Maybe you can be thrust out of your life one night and have the energy to party the next, but I’m still moving through the stages of denial. Besides, I have never experienced a decent fourteen-hour sleep, either. And that sounds a little more enjoyable tonight.” Milanka stood, up straightening her five- foot- nothing frame, and turned to go.

Priyesh stood up too. “Well, at least let me show you around. You’re not going to deny me that, are you?”

“Actually Priyesh… I feel like being alone right now. Thanks, but no thanks.” Milanka walked to the door, leaving Priyesh standing next to the table with his hands in his pockets; looking slighted and forsaken. With one petite hand grasping the cold steel, she turned and glanced back at his hunched frame. “And Priyesh? Please… don’t bother being nice to me. I’m not worth the effort.”

**I know it’s recommended that I wait a week but this is more of a transitional piece. The heavy-duty stuff comes after this. **
Last edited by empressoftheuniverse on Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Mon Aug 31, 2009 3:25 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Empress! Stella here!

Thanks for the heads up about the R-rated passage. I don't particularly mind it, but I just like your consideration of other people in mentioning it and starring it :) In any case...

I. NITPICKS

swollen vein purple


Awesome description here. I don't know though, if my veins have ever swelled enough to go purple, they're usually blue and green. But my legs go purple in the cold so... whatever, it's fine, I'm rambling.

she got a little to carried away;


Should be "too" here.

Lilith noticed her stare and leaned forward.


Okay, I didn't understand what was happening in the passage beforehand. Well, obviously, I knew what was happening, I meant, how were we seeing it? It wasn't happening at that point... was it from Lilith's or Mimi's eyes?

in Argentinean convent;


in an. Also, this whole thing was funny, nice. :P

straitening


straightening.

Okay...

II. POINT OF VIEW

You seem to drift from one to the other with no warning, one minute we're in Mimi's head, the next in Lilith's. I'd just be careful about this, it bugs people (people, specifically, being me). I know it's tempting, but I think if you're going to change point of view, make sure you make it a clean cut from one character to another, don't just float. Am I making sense?

Basically, stay in one place, if you feel the need to switch, do it swiftly, and don't do it every other paragraph.

III. DEVELOPMENT

I don't mean of characters, I mean of, well, everything. I want to know more about this place, why are they here? Is it some type of rehab centre? Why is Lilith in charge, she seems kind of unstable, so why do people like Priyesh listen to her? What gives her the right to give orders? Also, do the teachers not care about them having raves in their rooms?

I'd like to see a little more of this kind of stuff...

IV. OVERALL

It was well written, and I enjoyed it, just work on the issues I mentioned :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Mon Aug 31, 2009 3:42 pm
empressoftheuniverse says...



Thank you Stella!
After you edited the first part I did add some sections to make the story clearer; one of which being an explanation that this school was "a unique mixture of teaching and therapy designed to get students, some would even call them delinquents, on the right track." So something of a rehab center, yes.
And don't worry about Lilith; you'll get to see lots more of her and find out everybody's stories in the next installments :)
I don't quite know how to fix the P.O.V thing; if someone wants to help me that would be great. I did notice that my 3rd person omniprescent likes to dip into one perspective; dry its hands and then dip into another.
But Lilith's paragraph is absolutely vital.
And Lilith's paragraph was conjured from Mimi's imagination, more or less. She saw the scars and made up a story to go with them (at the same time we were transported back to the actual deed. Trippy; I know.)
All in all; my writing is batsh** crazy and I appreciate the comments :)
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Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:38 pm
Reida says...



Wow, this story is really exceptional. I love the line from Mimi about being addicted to centuries-old champagne found in Benjamin Franklin's cellar and the opium grown by nuns, etc. That was such a vivid statement and knowing she was being sarcastic really brought out the character's personality. Also, I never knew cutting oneself could be so seductive and sensuous! The whole paragraph overwhelmed me, it was so well done. You said that you've read my stuff and liked it very much--I find that flattering since you are a very gifted writer with a rare talent. And knowing how young you are makes my head swim! You have such intelligent, graceful prose, poetic and sensual in that you do bring your reader into the realm of the forbidden and like a guide, show what goes on in in rooms where you and I would cringe and run away from. This subject has always fascinated me, I always want to know what is the hidden allure behind taking heroin, drinking blood, killing for pleasure, canniballism. I know the lasst two is a little strong but it's basically the same idea. The desire to do what is taboo, or strongly prohibited.
I want to read everything you've written and hope you post more material for me to get my hands on. You're very good!!
  





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Tue Sep 01, 2009 3:01 am
dextrophobia says...



Here I am, bitch.

Maybe you should put Lilith's whole cutting paragraph somewhere else so she can stay mysterious. That entire passage from her perspective really stuck out with you switching the point of view so much. It was very muddled.

Seriously, I think that's my only complaint because I mucho love this. It's everything I like about American Psycho without the excessive description of clothes. And have I mentioned how much I enjoy your writing style? Milanka actually reminds me of you. A calmer version of you.

Also, when are we going to meet at the crosswalk on Wednesday? We're supposed to get to school early to get our schedules but how early do you want to go? Probably like, six in the morning if I know you at all.
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Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:05 am
Elinor says...



Hey again Empress. I read this through, and I saw that Stella pretty much got everything, but I still have one nitpick. Otherwise, It's an extremely well-written piece.

a girl with straight black hair and cold blue eyes sat across from Priyesh


This description seems rather cliched, and its also very tell-y. Try to be creative when you describe people, rather than just list it. (i.e. her hair a deep, onyx color, was a staight as a line. Her blue eyes were cold, like the ocean that froze beneath ice during wintertime.) Idk, just a suggestion.

Otherwise, great. PM me if you have any questions.

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Tue Sep 01, 2009 2:15 pm
roon says...



Roon here! Again, I was totally blown away, it's sickeningly beautiful. Nitpicks first though:
The last word was drawn from her ashen lips; it seemed, unwillingly.

You don't need a semicolon, just a comma.
****Mimi grew hot under Lilith’s derisive stare but said nothing, silently noting the intricate lines of red crisscrossing up and down her arms, not attempting to hide. The cuts were fresh, not even a day old; and made with a delicate blade by a seasoned veteran. Mimi could tell that Lilith put time, planning and effort into the design, possibly even standing in front of the mirror watching the thin lines of blood stream down her body, smiling at her work as the blade bit into her soft flesh, moving quickly and mercilessly along her thin arms. There were deep scars and shallow ones; which meant that Lilith had experimented with pressure and strokes; increasing with her excitement until the deed ended with one beautiful, remarkable, and unspeakably terrible gash across her left shoulder; the one where she got a little too carried away; where she was brought back to her white, sterile bathroom were blood was flowing freely into the sink, blood was sprinkled on the mirror, blood pooled beneath her feet, and Lilith stood there: smudged makeup and greasy striped hair, reveling in her masterpiece. She held her breath and listened to blood drip, felt it slide down her arms to the tips of her fingers; felt the mounting tension as it pulled downward, forming into a droplet, and shuddered in ecstasy as it landed on the floor with a beautiful “Plunk! Plip! Splish!” Later, she would clean up; put antiseptic on her wounds, later she would wash her face and go to dinner. Later. But now she dipped one finger into the blood and swirled it around languidly, smearing it across her chest. It was warm, so warm, and seemed to throb with a rhythm all its own. She closed her eyes and let it slide down her stomach, shaking with pleasure, sickness and pain. *****

Wow! That was incredible. However, I think it needs breaking up a little.
“There isn’t one single thing you can’t get your hands on in this pace.

place*
They’re afraid she’ll sow rebellion in our peers, but…”

You mean that as in seed-wise, right? So mention seeds...
“You’ll soon see that there are two kinds of people here. The kind that band together against the institution, who defy treatment, and those who put up a good fight in the beginning… but burn out. You’re either a flickering candle, or a forest fire in one square foot of forest.”

Not liking this metaphor, I'm afraid. I don't know why, it's nto very clear, it's just... there.
“Who said I was going? I’ve got to unpack, make some calls, and take a few deep breaths. I don’t want to be coerced into joining any occults just yet.”

I can see that she's sort of the solitary type, but I do think she'd actually go to this, of I'm honest... but then she's your character.

“And Priyesh? Please… don’t bother being nice to me. I’m not worth the effort.”

Why is this Priyesh being nice? Why is she acting like a normal person, and putting herself down?

Okay, so your writing is fantastic, so there's not much to nitpick. I loved this, it was amazing. I think you should maybe try to incorporate more of the reasons as to why she's here.

Why is Lilith in charge? She seems like she has the most 'problems' is it because she's the one who's refused treatment so often? Explain her motives, explain her a little more, maybe. Also, Priyesh, why is he even here? He seems fairly caring, wanting to share the blame, show her around etc. Maybe you should emphasise that she's intriguing to him. At the moment I have crazy theories about him running through my brain... o_O

You say it's for intelligent pupils, we haven't really seen any of that demonstrated. Also, the only places we've seen are the classroom and the cafeteria, and we can't really see them too clearly. Maybe you should describe them a little more?

Your character development is good, and the pace is just right. There haven't been any points of high tension yet, I can't wait to see how these people handle high stress situations. O.O I sound like I should be in that school. The dramatic self-harming scene is stunning. It was very considerate of you to put stars around it. But, just wow. You got right inside her head. I'm only worried about Chuck at the minute. He seems fairly flat.

Anyways, your writing style is fantastic. People would kill for your talent. Thank you for replying to my thread, PM me with the next post, or let me know somehow.

~ Roon
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Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:51 pm
empressoftheuniverse says...



To andrea,
Mimi reminds you of me?? And this story reminds you of American psycho? So...
*scratches head*
I remind you of Baetam?
That's not the greatest compliment.
And thank you so much, Roon! I love yours and Stella's in-depth reviews. I feel like I get better every time I write.
And with this many people liking my story, I may just finish it!
So thank you everyone! I feel so much better knowing I do have some hope.
Also, if you haven't already, try reading the comments on my story. You'll find that some of them are contradictory. Which, I think, is the best compliment of all; that my story is having a different effect on each person. Some people adore my writing, some hate it; but I like the fact that you all have a slightly different view. And I'm clogging up my thread so LAST COMMENT. From now on I'll pm my thanks.
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Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:51 pm
pudin.junidf says...



HI!!
I'm finally here and out of homeworks. This is an excellent written piece. As weird as it may sound to some people who doesn't appreciate horror, I'm in love with it. The mystery, intrigue and suspense you put into it is awesome. Also, I really like your fancy way of writing, meaning the old-style of describing things and expressing the character's thoughts.
I would only want some descriptions of the room, the place. And at the beginning, something besides a girl with black hair and blue eyes. And as Everyone has said,your paragrrah about Lillith's cutting was superb.

Other from that, this is excellent and extremely original.

Hope you post more.
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine
  





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Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:50 pm
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Swottielottie says...



Firstly, wow! I've read both parts of this story and I feel myself becoming addicted! Your style is so intricate, but simple at the same time. Fabulous description; I can almost see the colours and characters in my head and that's always a good sign.
The plot is just what I like; some sort of conspiring authority, with the main characters not being cut-and-dry good or bad. I'd like to know more about the 'school' or asylum.

Now for some improvements:

The only thing that bugged me was the lack of setting and transition. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I can't picture their location. What part of the school are they in? Are they in the same place as part one? It just confused me a bit, so you might want to add in a few sentences so that it's completely clear to the reader. Also, as mentioned before, the part where you sort of change your point of view, from Milanka to Lilith was a little unclear. I'm sure you'll edit it in the future, and people have already commented on that, so... yeah.

I liked your choice of name. 8) I assume you choose Lilith because of its biblical significance? It suits her perfectly.

Finally, this little quote:

empressoftheuniverse wrote:“ Quite honestly, I have an insatiable addiction to centuries-old champagne that was found in Benjamin Franklin’s hidden cellar… and opium that was grown by nuns in Argentinean convent; packaged with holy wafers in a box made of elaborately carved gold and carried to America by barefooted virgins.”


This was one of my favourite parts, but the actual wording of it seems a little awkward, if you know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, but I feel you're missing a word somewhere. I'm not sure how to explain it. But, don't worry about that, it's probably me.

All in all : fabulous!

Charlotte
  





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Fri Sep 04, 2009 2:55 am
Pozoe12 says...



okay, i hope im not repeating anything that other people said. i probably will though, so sorry in advance. :smt001 okay i only really saw one typo there, and that was:
empressoftheuniverse wrote:“There isn’t one single thing you can’t get your hands on in this pace.
i'm thinking it should be "place" but other than that, i think it was pretty awesome! oh, and I agree with Stella Thomas on being careful who's point of view you're writing in because that confused me a bit. but other than that, i'm intrigued now! sorry i can't give you much other feedback but i didn't really see anything else that needed work. it was pretty descriptive-meaning i had to look up more than a few of the words haha but that's me-and it was interesting. let me know when you write more! 8)
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Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:10 pm
FallineAvery says...



More Pin Elephants!!!!!! :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant:

I have become rather addictd to yor style. This story is still confusing at parts but it is amazing. Watch for tiny type-o's; I'm not really one to judge on that though cause well I can't spell for anything. Keep going on this. Watch yur transition's from part to part, I was lost for a moment.

As for the cut scene I wanted to say you nailed the discription. It brought back alot of memories which takes alot.
I LOVED IT!!!!!!!
-FallineAvery :elephant:
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Fri Sep 25, 2009 9:04 pm
jessie2009 says...



Wow! The part about her cuts gave me chills. You're details were good. A lot better than mine=]. Well I see you have posted Chapter 2.5 so I am going to read that. Every one else got the grammar mistakes. But you know me I am not very good at that. Laugh out loud. Well Hope your day is good!

--Jess.
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Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:42 am
tigress5674 says...



AWESOME!!! I think it even topped the first part. ^^ Your writing style is just plain enviable it's so good! I absolutely loved the cutting scene. Just the right amount of emo. :smt003 Like some others, I found the change in POV a bit jarring, which disrupted the flow. However, that's an easy fix. If you don't feel like being all super creative about it, you can just add the usual stuff like "Lilith remembered..." or "Mimi observed..."

Anyhoo (anywho? I never could figure that out... :lol: ), awesome story, super original, and I'm off to read the next section! :D
  








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