Young Writers Society

Kevin was sitting in his room inside the Dark Wing when he heard the news. He froze, leaning over to bandage his leg.
“ . . . Matilda Darley has been the sixth student kidnapped from the K.S.A. Police are investigating . . . ”
He turned of the TV; that was all he needed to know. He sat for a long time letting the shock set in. When Mancy had told him about the kidnappings his worst nightmare was the same thing happening to Matilda. Now that it had actually happened he found it hard to believe.
But it did happen.
And what could he do about it? Nothing.
But “nothing” was not in his vocabulary. Already a plan was forming in his head.
“No, I can’t. It’s to risky.” He said to himself. He sat for a few more seconds. “Oh who am I kidding?”
He stood up and grabbed his backpack on the way. Kevin strode in the cockpit.“Prepare engines for takeoff.”
The Dark Wing vibrated as it charged up power.
Within thirty seconds, it lifted off the ground. The police may not have any leads yet but Kevin knew exactly where to start; the Kids Spy Academy.

“I have lost my mind.” Kevin muttered. He was standing on the front lawn of the academy - without a disguise. He kept his eyes focused straight ahead, he could feel the students’ gaze burning into him. They whispered among each other.
“No way.”
“It’s him.”
“Agent 56?”
“What is he doing here?”
When he reached the front entrance the doors were open and Mr.Chrispwood was waiting for him. All the commotion had brought him out of his office. Kevin stood very still, waiting for a reaction.
After a moment Mr.Chrispwood spoke up: “Please, follow me to my office.” He gestured with his arm.
Kevin climbed up the steps and walked with the director down the hall. The door closed to his office and Kevin seated himself in one of the chairs. He kept a cool gaze on Mr.Chrispwood as he sat behind his desk.
“Kevin, I assume you are here for a specific reason?”
“Yes.” Kevin replied.
“What brings you back to the K.S.A.?” Mr. Chrispwood leaned forward on his desk.
“Matilda.”
“Oh yes,” Mr.Chrispwood nodded knowingly. “Well, I am sorry to say that what you heard is true.”
“I know, I’m here to find her.”
“Kevin, the police can’t find her, nobody can find her. How do you expect to be the one to do it?”
“Do you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” Kevin asked back. ‘Actually, I’m beginning to think I don’t.’ He thought.
“It’s not like I think that you can’t. I meant what makes you so sure?” Mr. Chrispwood replied.
“I’m going to find Matilda.” Kevin said simply.
Mr.Chrispwood smiled and shook his head. “You were always a difficult one.”
“Are you going to help me or not? Because I’d be more than happy to leave.” As if to prove his point, Kevin stood up.
“No, no, don’t leave,”
Kevin sat back down.
Mr.Chrispwood continued: “But I’m afraid we don’t have much information to give you.”
Kevin leaned back in the chair. “Tell me all you know.”
“Sorry to say, but police gave orders that we can’t share information to anyone outside the force. For safety reasons. You know, in case the kidnappers are watching to see how much we know.”
“So you’re saying I’m involved?” Kevin demanded.
“Well, it’s possible-“
“Allow me to make this clear to you.” Kevin spat out each word. “I came out of hiding, flew all the way here- knowing the high risk of being turned in- to save my ex-partner from a mysterious abduction. Are you sure you think I’m involved?” He glared fiercely at Mr.Chrispwood.
“Kevin settle down, I do not think that you are involved. But I won’t give out classified information to you no matter how much you threaten.” Mr.Chrispwood said.
This looked like a dead end, but Kevin wasn’t through yet.
“Give me a chance, and if I don’t bring Matilda back what will change?” He asked.
“Well for one thing, if you don’t, you’ll be in a prison so secure you’ll live there for the rest of your life.” Mr.Chrispwood said.
“So is this a deal or what?”
“Deal, remember, you bring Matilda back or else.”
Kevin stood up and shook hands with Mr.Chrispwood. “Deal.” He said firmly.
“Now,” Mr.Chrispwood pulled a folder out of a filing cabinet and gave it to Kevin. “This are all the leads we have.”
Kevin flipped through the pages, taking mental notes on things that interested him. He stopped on one page and studied it. “I’m sure I’ve seen this before.” It was a symbol. It was a rectangle colored red and black. He searched his memory but couldn’t place the familiar shape.
Mr.Chrispwood looked over his shoulder. “Oh yes, that one, it’s a logo of an old organization, no one remembers what it did though.”
“Why is it in here?” Kevin peered at it, still trying to remember.
Mr.Chrispwood scratched his head. “Well, the police recently found a ship carrying that symbol just outside the city. Apparently, some old files say that they’ve been responsible for a few kidnappings in the past. But that’s over now, the organization was shut down years ago.”
“Hmm . . .” Kevin stood up. He gave the folder back to the director. “Thank you for your help.” He turned to leave.
“Wait, you’re leaving already?” Mr.Chrispwood asked. “Why don’t you stay and have something to eat? There’s lunch in the cafeteria.”
“You’re kidding right?”
“No, I am not, this is a sincere invitation for you to join us.”
“Nah, I have a lot to do,” Kevin said. “Like saving Matilda.” He left the room closing the door behind him. When he opened the second door a pile of kids fell on the floor. They had been leaning on the door, listening in. They moved back and stood up. Kevin sighed and proceeded down the hallway. Everyone stopped and stared as he walked by, kids stepped away from him like he had a contagious disease. He pushed open the front doors and went down the steps. Everyone was silent as he walked up to the Dark Wing. He started the engines and took off.
Kevin was still trying to remember where he’d seen the symbol. He had gone and seen the ship in the outer city, it had the same symbol Mr.Chrispwood had shown him but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen it before.
“Come on think,” He said to himself. He was driving the Dark Wing back over the main city now. “If you’re so smart than why can’t you remember?” He clenched the steering wheel in frustration. He needed time to think this through. “Auto pilot on.” He paced the cockpit a few times then stopped. He closed his eyes sorting through every image he’d seen the past few days. Mancy, Mr.Chrispwood, the K.S.A., buildings, police crafts, marketplace. His eyes flew open, the marketplace! He had seen the symbol at the marketplace that day. He frowned, but where? Then it hit him. The big alien he ran into! It was wearing that symbol! So that meant the organization was still alive. And if the organization was still alive then that meant it was up to something, it may not have anything to do with Matilda, but it was a lead nonetheless. Now, where in Nita was he going to find it? Already he had a hunch. He resumed control of the ship and did a U-turn.

Later: Kevin’s footsteps crunched on the crumbled asphalt. The building before him had once been a base for a secret establishment. Now most of its walls were gone, the windows were sealed with wooden boards and a tape fence reading: KEEP OUT surrounded the property.
Kevin ignored the barrier and ducked under it. He rounded the corner and found an entrance. Or at least he thought it was, only a hole remained and broken boards littered the doorway.
He first saw this place when he flew over it the first time, but it had only just occurred to him that this could have been where the organization.
He stepped over the debris and took a flashlight off of his utility belt. The room was filled with old computers covered in dust, and desks that many which were splintered and broken. He walked over to the computer that seemed to be most intact. It laid on it’s side on the floor a piece of ceiling sat on top of it. Kevin pushed the plasterboard off and squatted down next to it. He steadied the flashlight next to him and plugged his mini computer into the monitor. It beeped and he slipped it back into his backpack. He stood up and continued to the next room. This one was empty except for a pile of rusty metal. Kevin stepped into the hallway, it went for a few meters but the rest was caved in.
Something caught his eye, he shone the beam down on the ground. A faint footprint was visible in the rubble. He studied it for a minute then lifted his flashlight to the wall. One of the doors had been opened, debris had been shoved aside where it had moved. Cautiously he approached it. He slowly opened the door. He flinched when it creaked loudly, but when nothing happened, he opened it wider and peeked in. Nobody was in the room. He breathed out in relief. What did he expect, someone waiting to ambush him? He stepped inside and looked around, there was definitely signs someone was living here. A make-shift bed with a huge sack sitting on the foot of it was shoved in the corner, and a videophone sat on top of an old side table. Kevin opened the sack and looked inside. It had a couple weapons he didn’t recognize, dehydrated package meals, and a piece of paper. He took it out and flipped it over. He gasped and dropped it. It was a picture of him! TARGET was written in big red letters across the page. He was being hunted, and it wasn’t the police.
Suddenly, the videophone beeped loudly. “Come in! Are you there?” A voice said. Kevin didn’t even look, he bolted from the room and ran back the way he came. He had to get out of here!
He jumped over the boards in the entranceway and landed outside. He could see the Dark Wing, he was going to make it!
It happened so quickly that he didn’t have time to cry out.
Just as he came outside something grabbed his shoulders so forcefully that he almost fell over backwards. He struggled against the grip but it held firmly. He was picked up off the ground and turned around. He recognized him immediately; it was the alien that had attacked him before. ’So he’s the hunter!’ Kevin thought. ’Now the question is . . . Why?’
The creature laughed. “Puny boy. After all me go through, you come here?”
Kevin struggled some more but the Ugly held on. In less than a second he drew out a blaster and aimed it at Ugly. In less time then that, Ugly grabbed his hand and plucked it from him. Kevin decided to try something else, talking his way out. “What are you hunting me for? Money? Revenge? ’Cause I don’t think we’ve met. Hi, I’m Kevin.” He held out his hand. Ugly swatted it away. “Stop talking.” He growled.
“OK.” Kevin said cheerfully. “I’ll just do this!” He bit down hard on Ugly’s arm. He howled in pain and dropped him. Kevin took off running, but he didn’t get far. Ugly grabbed his leg and hoisted him up in the air with one hand.
“Have good nap.” He said.
“What do you-” Kevin started. He knew what he meant. Ugly’s hand reached up behind him, holding some kind of metallic chip. Kevin’s vision blurred as his world faded.
’I’m sorry Matilda, I failed.’

Roon here! Sorry it's so late, it's a mixture of not checking for PM's, being lazy, tired, busy, etc. Anyways... This is wonderful! I'm going to start with nitpicks first though:

“ . . . Matilda Darley has been the sixth student kidnapped from the K.S.A. Police are investigating . . . ”

Matilda Darely is the sixth student to be kidnapped fromt the K.S.A...

When Mancy had told him about the kidnappings his worst nightmare was the same thing happening to Matilda.

Why would he think that it would be Matilda? Is he just overprotective, or does she fit some sort of criteria? Give reason for his paranoeia.

Now that it had actually happened he found it hard to believe.

Comma after happened.

And what could he do about it? Nothing.

I think the nothing should be a question, you later go on to say he has a plan, so... not nothing. Question mark not full stop.

“Agent 56?”

We still have no idea what he has done wrong, you'll have to tell us soon. As in next chapter, I'm impatient and curious, not a good mix! xD

Mr.Chrispwood

I just don't like the name... every time it's said it drags me away from the story, in fact it makes me think of a stutter. I know that's odd. I know what I mean. I'm just one person though, and if he's not in it too much it shouldn't matter. Also there is a space, after Mr. as it's not one word Mr.Chrispwood.

How do you expect to be the one to do it?”

I think "what makes you so special" would sound better, it's just awkward and jarring.

how much you threaten.”

he hasn't threatened, he's sounded threatening... there's a slight difference.

“Well for one thing, if you don’t, you’ll be in a prison so secure you’ll live there for the rest of your life.

”
Only if they don't let him out. Also, why would finding this girl absolve him?

“Deal, remember, you bring Matilda back or else.”

I don't think he needs any persuasion.

“This are all the leads we have.”

these*

Mr.Chrispwood looked over his shoulder. “Oh yes, that one, it’s a logo of an old organization, no one remembers what it did though.”

Why would they not have checked it out! :O this was a little obvious for my tastes.

“Wait, you’re leaving already?” Mr.Chrispwood asked. “Why don’t you stay and have something to eat? There’s lunch in the cafeteria.”

He just threatened this guy with a life-sentence!

They had been leaning on the door, listening in.

I'd just say they had been listening in/ at the door, choose one.

So that meant the organization was still alive. And if the organization was still alive then that meant it was up to something,

You don't have to repeat organization. just say if it was

Kevin ignored the barrier and ducked under it.

I think you mean ignored the sign and ducked under the barrier.

He first saw this place when he flew over it the first time, but it had only just occurred to him that this could have been where the organization.

first first, also it's pretty obvious the first time he flew over was the first time he saw it...
Also, where the organization what?

It laid on it’s side on the floor a piece of ceiling sat on top of it.

comma after side, comma after floor. I would say the piece of ceiling lay on top of it.

it went for a few meters

metres* also, there would be a comma after metres.

Something caught his eye, he shone the beam down on the ground. A faint footprint was visible in the rubble.

This could, really, be one sentence.

He stepped inside and looked around, there was definitely signs someone was living here.

signs that*

and it wasn’t the police.

wasn't by the police.

the Ugly held on.

Is that a kind of alien? If it is, it's not very realistic I'm afraid.

Okay, other than that, wow! I mean, the mood you create is phenomenal. Really, just wow. It turned dark right there! I'm still curious about what he did that was so bad. Also, I'm having crazy theories go through my head, and it's only chapter 3, which is quite an accomplishment! I was worried about the plotline until the end of this chapter... I mean it was incredible.

What you need to concentrate on now is character development. At the moment he is a little flat. I think it would be better if you had the next chapter of him revliving some of his past to show the reader a little about him. and so I can find out what happened! See, impatience. No but seriously, I think it's time for you to do that.

You also don't describe the surroundings as clearly as you could do, which makes it hard to imagine where we are. I also don't remember much description of what your character looks like, or what he is like as a person. We only really have the one character that we know at this point. You need to find some way of bringing other people into it, and bringing them to life as well.

Okay, again, this was fantastic. By far my fave chapter... well do far! PM me with the next post! Thanks again!

~ Roon

Kevin was sitting in his room inside the Dark Wing when he heard the news. He froze, leaning over to bandage his leg.
“ . . . Matilda Darley has been the sixth student kidnapped from the K.S.A. Police are investigating . . . ”
He turned of the TV; that was all he needed to know. He sat for a long time letting the shock set in. When Mancy had told him about the kidnappings his worst nightmare was the same thing happening to Matilda. Now that it had actually happened he found it hard to believe.
But it did happen.


Instead of that ^ (which sounds like a desperate attempt to create drama) how about something more subtle like ‘He didn’t want to believe it, but there it was on the TV.”


And what could he do about it? Nothing.
But “nothing” was not in his vocabulary. Already a plan was forming in his head.
“No, I can’t. It’s to risky.” He said to himself. He sat for a few more seconds. “Oh who am I kidding?”
He stood up and grabbed his backpack on the way. Kevin strode in the cockpit.“Prepare engines for takeoff.”


He grabbed his backpack on the way to the cockpit. “Prepare engines for takeoff.”


The Dark Wing vibrated as it charged up power.
Within thirty seconds, it lifted off the ground. The police may not have any leads yet but Kevin knew exactly where to start; the Kids Spy Academy.
“I have lost my mind.” Kevin muttered. He was standing on the front lawn of the academy - without a disguise. He kept his eyes focused straight ahead, he could feel the students’ gaze burning into him. They whispered among each other.
“No way.”
“It’s him.”
“Agent 56?”
“What is he doing here?”
When he reached the front entrance the doors were open and Mr.Chrispwood was waiting for him. All the commotion had brought him out of his office. Kevin stood very still, waiting for a reaction.
After a moment Mr.Chrispwood spoke up: “Please, follow me to my office.” He gestured with his arm.
Kevin climbed up the steps and walked with the director down the hall. The door closed to his office and Kevin seated himself in one of the chairs. He kept a cool gaze on Mr.Chrispwood as he sat behind his desk.
“Kevin, I assume you are here for a specific reason?”
“Yes.” Kevin replied.
“What brings you back to the K.S.A.?” Mr. Chrispwood leaned forward on his desk.
“Matilda.”
“Oh yes,” Mr.Chrispwood nodded knowingly. “Well, I am sorry to say that what you heard is true.”
“I know, I’m here to find her.”
“Kevin, the police can’t find her, nobody can find her. How do you expect to be the one to do it?”
“Do you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” Kevin asked back. ‘Actually, I’m beginning to think I don’t.’ He thought.


‘retorted’ is a better word than ‘asked back’
“Do you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” Kevin retorted, but in the back of his mind he was already beginning to doubt himself.


“It’s not like I think that you can’t. I meant what makes you so sure?” Mr. Chrispwood replied.
“I’m going to find Matilda.” Kevin said simply.


*sigh* and *yawn* I’m getting bored of Kevin’s heroic attitude.


Mr.Chrispwood smiled and shook his head. “You were always a difficult one.”


I’m surprised he’s not treating him like a child, but as an equal.


“Are you going to help me or not? Because I’d be more than happy to leave.” As if to prove his point, Kevin stood up.
“No, no, don’t leave,”
Kevin sat back down.
Mr.Chrispwood continued: “But I’m afraid we don’t have much information to give you.”


No need for the :
Mr. Chrispwood continued, “But….


Kevin leaned back in the chair. “Tell me all you know.”


I’m sorry to say that a lot of your dialogue (especially from Kevin) sounds like it came from some crappy movie. For me, it’s too dramatic for the beginning of the story. I mean this sums it up- you’ve got your perfect heroic character- he’s handsome, smart, dangerous, rich, and modest. He walks around like ‘sigh my life sucks and things were so much better when I was like 6 years old” (I mean keep in mind he’s just 13) and now he’s going to be a super hero, rushing in all puffed up to save the pretty, helpless girl. I really liked your first chapter, but I must say it’s gone downhill from there.


“Sorry to say, but police gave orders that we can’t share information to anyone outside the force. For safety reasons. You know, in case the kidnappers are watching to see how much we know.”
“So you’re saying I’m involved?” Kevin demanded.
“Well, it’s possible-“
“Allow me to make this clear to you.” Kevin spat out each word. “I came out of hiding, flew all the way here- knowing the high risk of being turned in- to save my ex-partner from a mysterious abduction. Are you sure you think I’m involved?” He glared fiercely at Mr.Chrispwood.
“Kevin settle down, I do not think that you are involved. But I won’t give out classified information to you no matter how much you threaten.” Mr.Chrispwood said.
This looked like a dead end, but Kevin wasn’t through yet.
“Give me a chance, and if I don’t bring Matilda back what will change?” He asked.
“Well for one thing, if you don’t, you’ll be in a prison so secure you’ll live there for the rest of your life.” Mr.Chrispwood said.


So if he doesn’t find Matilda, he goes to prison. That’s a nice motivation, but it doesn’t exactly make sense.


“So is this a deal or what?”
“Deal, remember, you bring Matilda back or else.”
Kevin stood up and shook hands with Mr.Chrispwood. “Deal.” He said firmly.
“Now,” Mr.Chrispwood pulled a folder out of a filing cabinet and gave it to Kevin. “This are all the leads we have.”


“These are all the leads we have.” He’s talking about the leads (plural) not the folder.
Kevin flipped through the pages, taking mental notes on things that interested him. He stopped on one page and studied it. “I’m sure I’ve seen this before.” It was a symbol. It was a rectangle colored red and black. He searched his memory but couldn’t place the familiar shape.
Things that interested him? Like what?


Mr.Chrispwood looked over his shoulder. “Oh yes, that one, it’s a logo of an old organization, no one remembers what it did though.”
“Why is it in here?” Kevin peered at it, still trying to remember.
Mr.Chrispwood scratched his head. “Well, the police recently found a ship carrying that symbol just outside the city. Apparently, some old files say that they’ve been responsible for a few kidnappings in the past. But that’s over now, the organization was shut down years ago.”
“Hmm . . .” Kevin stood up. He gave the folder back to the director. “Thank you for your help.” He turned to leave.
“Wait, you’re leaving already?” Mr.Chrispwood asked. “Why don’t you stay and have something to eat? There’s lunch in the cafeteria.”
“You’re kidding right?”
“No, I am not, this is a sincere invitation for you to join us.”
“Nah, I have a lot to do,” Kevin said. “Like saving Matilda.” He left the room closing the door behind him. When he opened the second door a pile of kids fell on the floor. They had been leaning on the door, listening in. They moved back and stood up. Kevin sighed and proceeded down the hallway. Everyone stopped and stared as he walked by, kids stepped away from him like he had a contagious disease. He pushed open the front doors and went down the steps. Everyone was silent as he walked up to the Dark Wing. He started the engines and took off.
Kevin was still trying to remember where he’d seen the symbol. He had gone and seen the ship in the outer city, it had the same symbol Mr.Chrispwood had shown him but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen it before.
“Come on think,” He said to himself. He was driving the Dark Wing back over the main city now. “If you’re so smart than why can’t you remember?” He clenched the steering wheel in frustration. He needed time to think this through. “Auto pilot on.” He paced the cockpit a few times then stopped. He closed his eyes sorting through every image he’d seen the past few days. Mancy, Mr.Chrispwood, the K.S.A., buildings, police crafts, marketplace. His eyes flew open, the marketplace! He had seen the symbol at the marketplace that day. He frowned, but where? Then it hit him. The big alien he ran into! It was wearing that symbol! So that meant the organization was still alive. And if the organization was still alive then that meant it was up to something, it may not have anything to do with Matilda, but it was a lead nonetheless. Now, where in Nita was he going to find it? Already he had a hunch. He resumed control of the ship and did a U-turn.


“If you’re so smart than why can’t you remember?” just doesn’t sound right.


Later: Kevin’s footsteps crunched on the crumbled asphalt. The building before him had once been a base for a secret establishment. Now most of its walls were gone, the windows were sealed with wooden boards and a tape fence reading: KEEP OUT surrounded the property.


If this was a chapter story, this would’ve been a good place to start a new chapter. Or at least but a line to separate it. The later: thing doesn’t exactly work.
Crumbled asphalt crunched under Kevin’s feet as he walked over the rubble of an old, dilapidated building. The windows were sealed shut with wooden boards and most the walls were gone. Yellow tape surrounded the site, screaming the words KEEP OUT. This place had used to be a base for some secret establishment.
It’s just my opinion, but I think it sounds better when you leave out what the place is until after the descriptions.


Kevin ignored the barrier and ducked under it. He rounded the corner and found an entrance. Or at least he thought it was, only a hole remained and broken boards littered the doorway.


Was; only


He first saw this place when he flew over it the first time, but it had only just occurred to him that this could have been where the organization.


Where the organization what? And the 1st sentence has one too many ‘firsts’ have you even proofread this?


He stepped over the debris and took a flashlight off of his utility belt. The room was filled with old computers covered in dust, and desks that many which were splintered and broken. He walked over to the computer that seemed to be most intact. It laid on it’s side on the floor a piece of ceiling sat on top of it. Kevin pushed the plasterboard off and squatted down next to it. He steadied the flashlight next to him and plugged his mini computer into the monitor. It beeped and he slipped it back into his backpack. He stood up and continued to the next room. This one was empty except for a pile of rusty metal. Kevin stepped into the hallway, it went for a few meters but the rest was caved in.
Something caught his eye, he shone the beam down on the ground. A faint footprint was visible in the rubble. He studied it for a minute then lifted his flashlight to the wall. One of the doors had been opened, debris had been shoved aside where it had moved. Cautiously he approached it. He slowly opened the door. He flinched when it creaked loudly, but when nothing happened, he opened it wider and peeked in. Nobody was in the room. He breathed out in relief. What did he expect, someone waiting to ambush him? He stepped inside and looked around, there was definitely signs someone was living here. A make-shift bed with a huge sack sitting on the foot of it was shoved in the corner, and a videophone sat on top of an old side table. Kevin opened the sack and looked inside. It had a couple weapons he didn’t recognize, dehydrated package meals, and a piece of paper. He took it out and flipped it over. He gasped and dropped it. It was a picture of him! TARGET was written in big red letters across the page. He was being hunted, and it wasn’t the police.


Woah. That is a huge paragraph. Break it up. I suggest whenever he moves into the next room.


Suddenly, the videophone beeped loudly. “Come in! Are you there?” A voice said. Kevin didn’t even look, he bolted from the room and ran back the way he came. He had to get out of here!
He jumped over the boards in the entranceway and landed outside. He could see the Dark Wing, he was going to make it!


Totally leave out ‘He could see the Dark Wing, he was going to make it!” because as soon as I read that I KNOW something bad is going to happen. I’m not kidding.


It happened so quickly that he didn’t have time to cry out.


Oh no way I was right! I swear I never even looked ahead.


Just as he came outside something grabbed his shoulders so forcefully that he almost fell over backwards. He struggled against the grip but it held firmly. He was picked up off the ground and turned around. He recognized him immediately; it was the alien that had attacked him before. ’So he’s the hunter!’ Kevin thought. ’Now the question is . . . Why?’
The creature laughed. “Puny boy. After all me go through, you come here?”
Kevin struggled some more but the Ugly held on. In less than a second he drew out a blaster and aimed it at Ugly. In less time then that, Ugly grabbed his hand and plucked it from him. Kevin decided to try something else, talking his way out. “What are you hunting me for? Money? Revenge? ’Cause I don’t think we’ve met. Hi, I’m Kevin.” He held out his hand. Ugly swatted it away. “Stop talking.” He growled.


Kevin annoys me. He is so fearless.


“OK.” Kevin said cheerfully. “I’ll just do this!” He bit down hard on Ugly’s arm. He howled in pain and dropped him. Kevin took off running, but he didn’t get far. Ugly grabbed his leg and hoisted him up in the air with one hand.
“Have good nap.” He said.
“What do you-” Kevin started. He knew what he meant. Ugly’s hand reached up behind him, holding some kind of metallic chip. Kevin’s vision blurred as his world faded.
’I’m sorry Matilda, I failed.’





I noticed that near the end you put italics in all of Kevin’s thoughts. You should put them in the entire story then.

I’m still having trouble with your main character. He’s too perfect and heroic and annoying and way too fearless for a 13 year old. I mean, even the best of us get a little scared when being attacked by a giant alien. Also, keep in mind that as an audience, we like to see a character grow throughout the story. We want to see him change and develop into a hero- not be born perfect.

I still don’t know anything about this Matilda either. Fit some time into your story to explain- you don’t have to give us every detail, but you should tell us why he feels he has to save this girl so much. Is she his old pal? Best friends? Sister? Girlfriend? Wife?? We don’t know. I get the impression that he was in love, but they weren’t in a relationship.

One good writing tip I use- proofread all you’ve written that day. Then tomorrow, proofread it again. Then wait a month and read it again. I’m sure if you read parts of this over you will find more mistakes of your own.

Oh, and keep in mind that even if things make sense in your head, you still have to explain every detail on paper.

I think this could do with a little more description. What does the inside of the dark wing look like? What's the kids spy academy look like? etc.

Also a little more explanation of the things in this world. You mention, "the organisation" but don't really say what it is. It's kind of hard to follow when there's so much you don't know. A little secrecy is good, to keep the suspense and an air of mystery, but I think you're witholding a bit too much information.

Contrary to my first comment, I think the description of the ruined building was excellent.

Kevin doesn't seem to be afraid at all, which strikes me as odd. It makes him hard to relate to. Add some more emotion and it'll all be good.

With the thoughts, don't put quotation marks and italics. Just italics will do.

Hey there. :]
So, I was gone from YWS for awhile, and I just saw my Will Review for Food thread today.
Soo, here is your very long awaited review!

Kevin was sitting in his room inside the Dark Wing when he heard the news. He froze, leaning over to bandage his leg.

I do like your first line. It draws the reader in. But I'm not fond of the second sentence. It's so random. Why is his reaction to the news to bandage his leg?
In Analytical Geometry, you do a unit on logic. Some of the hardest questions on our test inolved questions about putting seemingly random events into logical order.
What does this have to do with your story?
All events in a story should be in a logical order. How does hearing news relate to putting a bandage on your leg?

He turned of the TV;

Turned off, not of.

He turned of the TV; that was all he needed to know. He sat for a long time letting the shock set in. When Mancy had told him about the kidnappings his worst nightmare was the same thing happening to Matilda. Now that it had actually happened he found it hard to believe.
But it did happen.

First: I find this unrealistic. That was all the information he needed? What? If my friend got kidnapped, I would be riveted to the television screen, shocked.
Second: Your tenses are kinda ADD here. Fix that up.
Third: There isn't much emotion in here. I don't really feel connected to the character.

Agh...
>_< I have to go to swim practice. I'll finish this tomorrow!