Miracles

So this idea came to me through, believe it or not, a butterfly. It landed on my window and I captured it. Then my cat got it and was chewing it and I yelled at my cat to let it go. I had promised that butterfly when I caught it that I would not let it get hurt. The butterfly fell out of my cat's mouth, unscathed, and I released it back into the wild. A true miracle! ~

The dull beating of my heart is the only hand swinging from the darkness to keep me sane. So alone am I as I probe the thoughts deeper into my subconscious. The shattered gates of my ego compel me but through them I plow, unstoppable like a god. Then I can see it, and joy bursts through me like a busted dam. Here it is, finally. My light. And from it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies, carrying blue orbs on their wings. Yet just as soon as I draw near, the light fades and joy turns to waves of rage in side of me. "Come back Melany," A voice calls. Dark beings from the shadows crawl towards me, eyes bloody and mouths thick with froth. On their ghoulish bodies are scars of agony, and the sight of them sets my heart fluttering. Evil natterings fill my ears. Words I could not predict. "Melany, you're leaving me, don't leave" The voice cried.

I've gotta go, I say. My voice echoes off invisible walls. I wonder who will hear me. Then a soft voice speaks; the voice of an angel.

No you don't. Mel, this person need's you. Go back to them, just a few steps. Just turn around. I'm here with you; we're together. Let's go back together. You'll never be alone again.

The beasts are surrounding me.

But the light... the light is calling me. I'll be okay when I find it, I will. The beasts are here, can't you see them? Feel them? Hear them? I've got to run, I've got to run now!

No. Turn around, it's not your time. The light will wait. The light's giving you a choice, don't listen to the beasts, listen to the light.

I can't see it.

Open your ears, Melany, not your eyes.

I do as I'm told and wait expectantly for the light to speak. Then I hear it. The music of the heavens. I can live or die; go back into the darkness or go into the light.

What will I lose? What will I gain?

Do you remember Patrick, Melany? Your boyfriend? Your lover? He's waiting for you. Take my hand, let's go back. You will lose what you have gained in life, but you will gain what you have lost from death in Heaven.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh but it does. Can you imagine how Patrick will cope without you? Do you want him to suffer through what you have? Going into the light will conflict your love. Come now, Melany. Come back. I promise you the beasts won't hurt you. Patrick is waiting. Heaven will always welcome you. When you're ready, but you're not... Come back... come back...

"Mel, please, Mel... don't leave" I hear sobs from above me. Patrick. In a fleeting moment I am brought back to the night we kissed. Under the beautiful stars with the moon shining on his golden hair, turning it into a sea of silver curls.

I'm coming back, Patrick! I decide suddenly. Are you with me? I ask the voice nervously.

Always, Melany. I'm right here now. Let's go.

Step by step, I approach the ghosts in the darkness. White mist encloses me and my chest tightens. Fear rips through me and I feel tremendous pressure on my head.

It hurts! I gasp.

Only a few more seconds, Melany. Then the pain will be over.

The beasts are behind me, snarling and snapping their jaws. An image of a truck flashes past my eyes, and I can almost smell the rusty taste of my blood.

I got hit, didn't I? Nausea settles inside my stomach.

Yes, but you're safe now.

What will I look like?

Wait and see, I promise no harm shall come to you. Miracles are at work, Melany. Trust and accept them, they are beyond words can describe.

Then I am exploding. Fits of light hit me and sirens are off all around.
"Melany, my Melany, you came back!" The voice screamed. I looked up into the eyes of Patrick. I am cradled in his arms and take in silently the scene around me. There's a smashed car and ambulances every where. I watch some police men that are backing up hungry reporters. Then I see the truck and feel my insides churn. "Shh, you're okay. You're saved" Patrick whispers, pulling my shaking body in closer.

You said I would be fine.

You are. Don't you understand, Melany?

No, I don't.

You are alive.

How is that fine?

Remember what I told you? Miracles are at work.

I still don't get it...

Close your eyes and listen, Melany.

I close my eyes, hoping to hear the sound of Heaven;

but instead I am met with the dull beating of my heart.

I like it.
Although it took me a while to compute-- choice between eternal life or smelly old earth life equals car crash and Melanie gets out unscathed. But I'm a little slow when it comes to comprehension. But I like it.. especially the last two lines.
I close my eyes, hoping to hear the sound of heaven;
but instead I am meeted with the dull beating of my heart.
And because I love that line so much, i think there should be a semicolon instead of a period and meeted should be replaced with another word-- maybe met-oh! That's why it sounds wrong to me. Ok, turn meeted to met.
I like the way the story is broken into short thoughts mixed with shorter pieces of dialogue. It gives it a more lyrical feel.
I think you captured the emotions really well, primarily wonder at the deed that just occurred.
The imagery was also fantastical.

And you're lucky it was your cat who attacked your butterfly; my dog can swallow and butterfly whole. The same with beetles, dragonflies and probably small birds... but birds are too fast for her, thank god.

First off, good job. I like this piece and the inner depths that it probes. I think you could deepen some of the meanings, such as what the beasts repressent (maybe pain?) and why she ends up chosing to remain rather than go to heaven which you make look so attractive at first. Also the voices are a bit confusing, for at first they seem to call her to heaven, but then they call her to go to Patrick who is actually still alive. Anyway, obviously I'm not understanding it quite right, but that means that you could stand to make it a bit clearer, not to lose the dream-like feel of it, of course, but just to make sure and not confuse the reader.

Also I did notice one quick grammar mistake here:

The music of the Heaven's

It would be either Heaven or heavens.

Anyway, good job overall. Keep it up!

GJ

I really really love the last two lines. They're so thoughtful.
I love the way this is written. - Clever idea.

You said I would be fine.
You are. Don't you understand, Melany?
No, I don't.
You are alive.

I don't understand whats happening at that bit..

But.. It's fantastic. Well Done

- Laura

I liked it. It had a feel that... I simply can't describe. But I like it. So that's good, right.

"Mel, please, Mel... don't leave" I hear sobs from above me. Patrick. In a fleeting moment I am brought back to the night we kissed. Under the beautiful stars with the moon shining on his golden hair, turning it into a sea of silver curls.

My favorite quote. It was simply beautiful.

There are a few minor problems with the prose that I noticed, however.. Like this one.

eyes bloody and mouths frothing

"mouths frothing" doesn't quite work. Try "and mouths thick with froth/foam".

And just a minor nitpick,

unstoppable like a God.

God shouldn't be capitalized since it's just "a god". If you mean the Christian God, then remove the "a".

I really liked this one. I cant think of anything that you can work on. But I'm also just a beginner, so, good luck with the next chapters.

This is the first of your three I read, but I had to let this one sink in a bit before commenting. I believe its been stewing in my crazy mind for long enough, so here I go!

The dull beating of my heart is the only hand swinging from the darkness to keep me sane.

Consider rewording this. As it stands, the metaphor expressed here doesn't make that much logical sense, which is doubly wrong, since it's your opening sentence.

So alone am I as I probe mythe thoughts deeper into themy subconsciousof my mind. Broken, rusted gates (1)try to bind me out but through them I plow, unstoppable, like a god. Then I can see it, and joy bursts through me like a busted dam. Here it is, finally. My light. And from it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies, (2)that hold blue orbs on their wings. But just as soon as I draw near, (3)it is gone. (4)And the joy turns to waves of rage inside ofme.
*"Come back Melany" A voice calls.
*Dark beings from the shadows crawl towards me, eyes bloody and mouths thick with froth. On their goulish bodies are scars of agony;.and tThe sight of them sets my heart fluttering. Evil natterings fill my ears. Words I can't predict.
*"Melany, you're leaving me, don't leave" The voice cried.

1. In need of serious rewording.
2. Also consider rewording this little tidbit here. There are many alternatives to the words you used here
3. When writers purposely omit contractions from their writings--at least this applies to me--it gives their writings a stale "formal" flavor, that is reserved for the snooty professor character, or the snobbish rich boy character, but never the author his or her self. That's just a personal preference, however, so feel free to ignore it!
4. Be careful how you start your sentences. Try to avoid starting your sentences with naughty initializers, such as "And, But, Or, Because, etc." Industry standard

My voice echoes off invisableinvisible wallsand. I wonder who will hear me.

No you don't. Mel, this person need's you. Go back to them, just a few steps. Just turn around. I'm here with you,(either a semicolon or a period + capitalization) we're together. Let's go back together. You'll never be alone then(again?).

I like how you word some of these sentences. It's like a hybrid between a poem/haiku but more grammatically sound, and structured like a short story.

I'm coming back, Patrick! I decide suddenly. My body is filled with warmth. Are you with me? I ask nervously.

Wait, what? I'm not sure I get this batch. Consider rephrasing a bit.

Then I am exploding. Fits of light hit me and sirens are off all around.
"Melany, my Melany, you came back!" The voice screamed. I looked up into the eyes of Patrick. I am cradled in his arms and take in silently the scene around me. There's a smashed car and ambulances every where. I watch some police men that are backing up hungry reporters. Then I see the truck and feel my insides churn. "Shh, you're okay. You're saved" Patrick whispers, pulling my shaking body in closer.

I. Love. It.

I close my eyes, hoping to hear the sound of Heaven;, Bbut instead I am met with the dull beating of my heart.

Once again, another excellent closing line, which is where most of the stories I read fail miserably. You've got a true knack for this!

Oh, and watch those semicolons! I haven't had to revoke many semicolon licenses here on YWS, and I don't want to start any time soon

Getting past my little nitpicks, I got a glimpse into the world between the worlds, and liked what I saw (I'd never want to visit, however! ). Once again the way you describe your scenes gets me right into your characters shoes without a problem.

There isn't much else I can say except: I'm loving your work. If you have anything else you want me to review, don't hesitate to drop me a message!

...Wow. That was really good. I love how you got the idea for the story (Yes, I read the intro). When I first started reading I thought, "Am I seeing inside the mind of someone insane?" Y'know, like Simon from The Lord of the Flies. But when you said she heard Patrick's voice, I understood. I'm gald you put that bit in there, becaus if you didn't, I would've missed the point of the story. I also loved the ending. You made it seem like life is not a miracle, but then we (the readers) remember the beasts and realize that death is so much more frightening. Unless you're Albus Dumbledore.
So long!

I think this is awesome!!!! You really had me hooked!!! I couldn't look away!!! I really hope I get to read more!!!! This was truly amazing!!! The lovable Patrick the confused Melanie it was all so great!!!! It totally rocked!!! It is kindda sad though... I almost cried!!! But yes truly amazing great job!!!

Don't count on these being right, but somethings don't sound right to me.

Here it is, finally. My light. And from it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies, that hold blue orbs on their wings.

This should be written differently. Try this: "Here it is, finally; my light. From it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies that hold blue orbs in their wings."

"Come back Melany" A voice calls.

Try this: "Come back Melany," a voice calls.

On their goulish bodies are scars of agony; and the sight of them sets my heart fluttering.

the wording around the semicolon is incorrect. You have to choose one of these two: On their ghoulish bodies are scars of agony; the sight of them sets my heart fluttering.
or On their ghoulish bodies are scars of agony, and the sight of them sets my heart fluttering.

Evil natterings fill my ears. Words I can't predict.

I do not get this. I think you were trying to say: Evil natterings fill my ears with words I could not predict. * remember not to change tenses!

Then a soft voice speaks. The voice of an angel.

Try this: Then a soft voice speaks; the voice of an angel.

once again, I'm not completly sure of most of these. I'm not usually a grammar wiz, but take my word for it!

Overall, your story was confusing, but in a good way. I could not figure out what you were talking about till the last few paragraphs of your story, but I think that is what kept me reading. Good job on this story. If you choose to follow up in any way, PM me...
~Skip

This is a beautiful story and i loved it.
I find it great that you found inspiration from a little butterfly and it shows that you can find inspiration everywhere.

But there are just two things.
1."The shattered gates of my ego COMPEL me". shouldnt that be the shattered gates of my ego COMPELLED me.
2.Here it is, finally. My light. Shouldnt it be,Here it is finally...my light.

Anyway i think your story is great and would love to read more.

Good luck!

The best thing about your story is its uniqueness. I haven't read anything quite like this. Also the voice, or, Melany speaking to 'it' (whatever it was) was great, very intriguing.

I think you captured the emotions really well, primarily wonder at the deed that just occurred.
The imagery was also fantastical.

Very much agreed.

I would like to read more if you write it.

enchanting piece and what a way to end. Or perhaps more will follow? The fact the idea of this piece comes from the cat and the butterfly adds alot of character and this story seems to beat with a pulse of its own. I urge you to leave it as is complete with the reader smiling yet wondering...

This was really interesting to read. I liked the pace you kept. It was quick and to the point, with enough mystery to hook me. Some suggestions:

So alone am I as I probe the thoughts deeper into my subconscious.

It didn't sound right to me for some reason. Try to make it simpler, maybe?

I am so alone as I probe deeper into my subconscious.

Also, "thoughts" is redundant. Less wordy this way.

Is there more to this? I would like to read about the beasts Mel saw. Also, who's talking to her?

Excellent use of ellipses.

Overall, well done!

Ilove you Auteur. This is emmaculate and i loved the fact you were inspired to write that. I love your cat now he/she inspired this story(along with Mr. Butterfly). Very great!!!

-olli