Into the Depths - Chapter III

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Chapter III

The Silversmith


Madeleine Gray's Journal - Continued


My eyelashes fluttered open, and I found myself in my bedroom once again. It was quiet, and I was sure that there was no one in there, now. Seeing that it was only eighty-thirty five, a few minutes before Sarah should have my breakfast, I immediately got out my diary and started writing.

It was around 8:44 now, and I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in." I said.

Sarah entered the room, smiling. She had my breakfast on a silver tray - it had a delectable odor.

"Breakfast, Miss Madeleine," she said, putting the tray on the table. "Please try to hurry, so I can help you dress. I have to go into town soon to pick up an order that your father placed."

I frowned, eyeing Sarah's weary face. It was so early, and yet, she was so tired. We only had four other servants, and she did most of the work. "No, you need to rest. I'll go pick up the order for you."

"Are you sure? It's okay, I can go." She said.

"No, I insist."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, you need to be there by 9:05. Eat your breakfast, and then call me. I'll help you dress and then give you the directons to the store."

I must get ready for today - I shall write later.





Helena Gray's Diary

29 July

9:15 AM

After I finished my quick breakfast this morning, I decided to take out my violin and practice a few of the songs that we had been given to study for music class. There is to be a party in next week, and many eligible bachelors will be there. The goal is to find husbands for Isabelle, Madeleine, and myself. Mr. Kent, our instructor, gave Madeleine and I seductive songs to woo our potential suitors.

I went over too Madeleine to see if she was interested, but she was gone. Where she was, I did not know. I don't think she ever enjoyed music anyway - she didn't practice it outside of our lessons, and I was probably the last person she'd want to practice with.


Madeleiene Gray's Diary

Evening

Today was a mix of good and bad. The morning was well, and after I ate a delicious breakfast of oatmeal and buttered toast, Sarah told me that she had to pick up the order at the silversmith. Father had placed an order for a custom shield, for General Harris's birthday.

Sarah gave me the directions the store, which was by the dock, in a semi-circle of shacks. I could recognize it immediately. Although it was large than the avarage shack, It was old and worn down, in need of repair. The wood that held the shack together was rotting, partially grown over with moss. The words SIMMONS FAMILY SILVERSMITH were painted in large black letters above the door, part of which was missing.

I opened the door, where I came into a narrow, claustrophobic room. I guessed that it was a hallway of sorts. There were two benches on either side, with glints of silver, which I made out to be pistols. They were absolutely beautiful. The handiwork and detail was perfect. I began to stand on the bench to see if I get a closer look when I felt a thick, firm hand on my hip.

"Do not touch." said a calm voice. "Those are for my clients."

I turned sharply, my cheeks reddening with embarrassment. A young man was staring at me, his wide mouth curled in a smile. His light brown hair, long and unkempt, curled at his chin. His eyes were a soft, gleaming gray - almost silver.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry." said I. I didn't usually stutter, but I was frozen with fear and embarrassment. The man seemed young, nice, and he was handsome. I didn't want to go make a bad first impression on him.

He laughed. "It's fine, you didn't know. Anyway, is there anything I can help you with, Miss?"

"I came to pick u-up and or-order, m-my father placed it." As I spoke, I could feel my face get red-hot and my body shake a little. I didn't know what it was, but I hadn't spent much time around men besides Father, and I didn't know how to react when I was with them.

"Your Father's name?" he asked, taking out a scroll of parchment and scanning it.

"Ad-Admiral Edward Gray," I told him promptly.

"Really?" He responded, smiling. "Are you his daughter? Madeleine?"

I grinned. "How do you know who I am?"

"Isabelle Latchmen, your cousin."

My smile faded into a vacant expression at the sound of my cousin's name. How did Isabelle know him? What kind of things did she tell this man? It was probably negative material. I was hoping the young silversmith would be able to overcome that and realize who I was, an not going off the lies of a fifteen year old brat. "So, you know Isabelle, then . . ."

"Yes," he said. "She's told me a lot about you, ever since I met her three years ago - Bad things, but I can see they are not true. It's nice to finally meet you." He extended his hand.

I clasped my hand in his, and we shook hands.

"Madeleine Gray."

"Murtagh Simmons."

For a minute, I laughed at his unusual sounding name. He glared at me, and I stopped.

"It was my mother's last name. Common in Ireland, where I was born."

"I was born in England, in York. It's a rather fine country. Have you ever visited it?"

"No."

I said nothing, instead looking around the room. There were all sorts of his craftiness that he had pinned to the walls, three large working stations . . .and, a bed, which was really just a mattress. It was thin, with stains of yellow and brown. Straw poked out of the many holes and tears. "Do you-you live here?"

He sighed. "Yes, I do."

"Why? Can't you buy a house? Don't you-" I was cut off by Murtagh's voice, suddenly cold and harsh.

"That's a story for a different day." He said sharply.

At that moment, I felt instantly guilty. Perhaps I had offended him. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"It's fine." He said. He still sounded angry, but their was less in voice . . .he seemed distant, as if he was recalling something. I waited for a minute, not daring to say anything. I thought I saw tears begin to well up in his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Please, leave me," He said. "Take the shield." He un tacked it from the wall and gave it to me.

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye," Murtagh said wearily. "Perhaps I shall see you again soon."

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hello, thank you for reviewing my story! Thought I would return the favour.
OK so when I first looked at this I thought it was slightly boring, but once I got into it I found it was really enjoyable. Your not getting a grammar or punctuation check from me. (It's just not my thing) But what I am good at is doing overviews.
So here goes.
I love how you have it as the main character's diary, it works so well for first person view, and how you use old fashioned speech although you should double check to see if it is completely accurate. Also, the diary thing may make it a challenge to show action later on, but it sure is working now though.
I'm curious to see what happens next, whatever you're doing keep doing it. Looking forward to the next segment.
:smt038
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




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Hi Thorn. :-)It's your faithful editor Hawks here!

It was around 8:44 now,


I would refrain from using "now" in the diary format whenever possible. It's really confusing. Just say "It was around 8:45."

it had a delectable odor.


"Delectable odor" sounds a little, well no, a lot flowery. "Good smell" works just as well and doesn't distract. As a rule, don't look for fancy synonyms. Just say what you're trying to say.

"No, you need to rest. I'll go pick up the order for you."


A noblewoman in this time period would _never_ be allowed by a servant to go into town on her own.

I went over too Madeleine to see if she was interested,


Should be "to," not "too."

Although it was large than the avarage shack,


Should be "larger."

"Do not touch." said a calm voice.


This is just one instance of a recurring error throughout your story. You should never put a period before a dialogue tag. Any other mark of punctuation works, but not a period, since it breaks up the flow of dialogue. So, in this face, we would need"

"Do not touch," said a calm voice.


All fixed. :-)

his wide mouth curled in a smile. His light brown hair, long and unkempt, curled at his chin.


"Curled" is redundant.

a soft, gleaming gray - almost silver.


Silver eyes for a silversmith. :-) That's really cute; I like it.

an not going off the lies of a fifteen year old brat.


Typo - "An" should be "and."

I clasped my hand in his, and we shook hands.


"Hand" is redundant. "And we shook" works just fine.

There were all sorts of his craftiness that he had pinned to the walls,


Craftiness means shrewdness, not crafts.

"Why? Can't you buy a house? Don't you-" I was cut off by Murtagh's voice, suddenly cold and harsh.


A noblewoman would know not to ask rude questions like this.

un tacked


Should be hyphetnated. "Un-tacked."

Throwing in Helena's diary entry right in the middle of the action was a bit disruptive and kinda pointless, if you ask me. I'd take that part out.

Madeline seems much less whiny and annoying than in the first draft; she's much more enjoyable to read about. Murtagh is still a bit undefined - first he's gentle and cheery, then he's weary and sharp. I'd stick with one or the other, probably the former, since Madeline does end up falling in love with him.

Again, good job with the revising! I definitely found this enjoyable.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-




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Hellooo! I see no more chapters are up. :( Damn, I'll review anyways. :smt003

:smt023 English/American words (or spelling mistakes O.o):

it had a delectable odor.

Odour.

I'll help you dress and then give you the directons

Directions.

Madeleiene Gray's Diary

Evening

Today was a mix of good and bad.

Isn't it Madeleine?

Although it was large than the avarage shack

Average.

His eyes were a soft, gleaming gray - almost silver.

Grey.

overcome that and realize who I was

Realise. With an "s".

That's all I caught for that. :smt002

:smt023 Nitpicks:

It was around 8:44 now

"Was" implies past-tense, but "now" tells me it's happening at that present time. If it's present tense, go with "is" rather than "was". If past tense, try scrapping the "now".

"Come in." I said.

Speech tag!
: "Come in," I said.

"Are you sure? It's okay, I can go." She said.

Speech tag!
: "Are you sure? It's okay, I can go," she said.

"No, you need to rest. I'll go pick up the order for you."

"Are you sure? It's okay, I can go." She said.

"No, I insist."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, you need to be there by 9:05. Eat your breakfast, and then call me. I'll help you dress and then give you the directons to the store."

Would NOT have happened. She would at least have to have a chaperone with her. Ladies in high society did not wander around as they pleased, doing servants' work, there were appearances to keep, else they'd be the talk of the town for ages. :smt002

Mr. Kent, our instructor, gave Madeleine and I seductive songs to woo our potential suitors.

Maddy and me?

I went over too Madeleine

TO!
Perhaps "Madeleine's room/bedchamber" because it sounds like Maddy's in the room with her and she's just saying "hi". C:

Although it was large than the avarage shack

Larger?

to see if I get a closer look when I felt a thick, firm hand on my hip.

A most inappropriate thing for a man to do. Grabbing ladies like that would earn him a slap and/or a severe scolding. I think they had to ask permission before guys could touch ladies. Plus the hip is a no-go area.

"Do not touch." said a calm voice

Speech tag!
Turn the full-stop into a comma.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry." said I.

Speech tag!
Turn it into a comma.
And the "said I" stood out a little to me. You'd be better with just "I said".

"I came to pick u-up and or-order,

An?

"Your Father's name?"

The "f" on "father" doesn't need to be capitalised. Yes, when she refers to it as though it were his name. This man is not. "Our" "your" "my" father is lowercase "f", but plain old "father" - as though it's his name - gets a capital "F". I think that explanation makes sense...

"Really?" He responded

Lowercase "h" on "he". Speech tag.

realize who I was, an not going off the lies of a fifteen year old brat.

"And" instead of "an"?

There were all sorts of his craftiness that he had pinned to the walls

Craftiness? O.o I don't quite get what you mean...

"That's a story for a different day." He said sharply.

Speech tag.
: "That's a story for a different day," he said sharply.

At that moment, I felt instantly guilty

You've already got "at that moment" why add "instantly"? Or, better yet, scrap the "at that moment" and go with "instantly". 'Cause it clogs it up - a lot. "I felt instantly guilty" is fine on its own.

"It's fine." He said

Speech tag.
: "It's fine," he said

still sounded angry, but their was less in voice . . .

Nooo! "Their" should be "there"!
Less what? And you're missing "his".
: still sounded angry, but there was less annoyance in his voice than before. . .
Awful, but it fills in the blanks. C:

he seemed distant, as if he was recalling something

Capital "h" at the start, I think.

"Please, leave me," He said.

Speech tag.
: "Please, leave me," he said.

He un tacked it from the wall

"un tacked" should be "un-tacked".

:smt023 Overall:
It was good. I can feel the plot starting to move along a little here, but what stopped me from totally enjoying it like I usually do, were some of the social inaccuracies. But they can be fixed, so I'm not too worried. :D
I like how you've got Helena's diary extract in here. It was a pleasant surprise. :smt003 You're not just restricted to Maddy's point of view. Wonderful. C:
And post more!!
I mean it. I'm expecting to see more of this. :smt016
Happy writing!

~Emma
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice