Young Writers Society

Has yet to be written.

Hello Rose, Roon here! This is so good, I’ll start with nitpicks on the prologue:

once a pirate safe haven,

This almost sounds like pirates are the ones who will be safe there. Try pirate-free haven?

and damages will begin to be repaired as soon as possible.

This is quite awkwardly phrased. And repairs will begin as soon as possible for the damages sustained… something more like that maybe. I don’t know, just a thought.

Other than that, the prologue is excellent, it’s gripping and a refreshingly different way to begin a story. The only thing I will say, is that it is very short, I know prologues are never the main body of a story or anything, but it seems just a little too short in my opinion.

Nitpicks on the first chapter…

Okay, I’ll do it sort of step by step for each insert into the journal.

28th July 6:45pm.

It is nearly suppertime, and we are all gathered in the parlor, waiting for Sarah to announce that the food was ready.

Tense alert! Stick to one, the past tense if it’s a journal.

I am displeased that Father would get romantic after his first wife died.

This sounds really forced. I wasn’t pleased that father was romantically involved after his first wife *I assume the mother?* my mother died, calling her her fathers first wife seems very detached an emotionless. As I say I think past tense is the norm for journals. Think about if you were writing your own journal. If you want it to take this shape all the way through it will have to be believable.

I sigh, returning to my journal.

If you’re writing the journal, you wouldn’t say this.

I do not think she knows what they really do,

I don’t think she really knows what they do. It just seems like you’re mixing this about to be more artistic. It doesn’t sound right.

Okay so this bit didn’t sound very much like a journal at all, it just seems like you’re doing it to be different. Also the tense issues are very distracting, I really think you should try to work on this. Apart from that your character seems an interesting one, and the plot could take many turns from here. She maybe seems a little flat at this point, but we do not know her all that well as yet.

9:00pm

It started out slow, quiet, except for the giggling noises that Father and Anne made. I rolled my eyes, disgusted. And, looking up, I could see that everyone else was, too.

This bit just doesn’t work for me I’m afraid. You slip into story mode again. Every time I would look up, I would see everyone else with the same expression of disgust as I wore on my own face. Maybe, just a thought.

champagne

I don’t know if they would have champagne, maybe you should just say wine?

I only met her once before this time,

I would just say I had only met her once before.

wild chocolate hair.

I don’t think you should describe her hair as wild and chocolatey. I know you’re talking about colour, but chocolate is smooth, try comparing it to the bark of some type of tree.

"Twins! Isn't it marvelous, Edward?"

She is acting as though it’s only just happened, like someone just gave birth, also they’ve already met before, so why would she be asking this? It just seems as though she does so that the reader will learn that they are twins. I know she’s drunk, but she’s acting very dramatically, I don’t think it really works.

"They're good kids! What did their mother think of them?"

This is rather silly, what does any mother think about their child?

as if he had ceased from his living form and melted into a statue.

This doesn’t really make sense, I see what you’re getting at though. Try rephrasing it.

I knew that Father was very sensitive whenever Mother was brought up, because they had had a really deep relationship.

They were married, of course they had a deep relationship. They loved each other very dearly, and he had still not recovered from the loss. Maybe? I don’t know.

Isabelle proceeded to mumble words which I did not understand.

To mumble incoherently.

intense faces gazing their eyes on Isabelle's golden curls,

Intense faces, eyes staring at Isabelle’s golden curls. It doesn’t make sense otherwise.

returned she.

She returned, don’t overuse switching the two.

"Listen, Isabelle. Pirates are not the fantasy that you've always dreamed of. There is a reason that they carry a sword, and it is not because they are fancy. Pirates are cold, murderous killers. The are heartless wretches who have no souls.

If you would like to become one of them, It's up to you. But the consquences are deadly. If you follow that path, you'll be dead in in a few years, and your soul will be damned to hell."

You say souls twice. Also, a lot of this speech is not needed, but then if she’s angry she’s likely to say more than is needed, so this works. Well done on showing emotion in this bit by the way. Also consequences is spelt wrongly.

grabbing her plate of food and throwing it at me, which I narrowly dodged.

Woah! Angry or what? I think this could be taken out, she should just storm away, not throw things, this seems a little extreme.

"It's been given out subtly in the past! We tried that, it didn't work! Dumping all the information about the kind of people pirates really are was necessary at this point!"

I don’t know why, but this doesn’t fit. It seems as though she is reasoning, but anger isn’t reasonable. Also, at this point? I think that’s the bit that doesn’t work. Maybe try saying something like, “You must see, surely, that it was necessary to crush these foolish aspirations of piracy?” I don’t know.

mouth in a cold, razor-sharp, monotone fashion.

How can it be both cold and razor sharp and monotone?

weaving the hallways before I finally got to my room.

Weaving through the hallways

Father's eyes, It seemed as though everything out my mouth was the wrong thing to say.

it*

I didn't know what to do. Every time I tried to do the right thing, I was ridiculed. Every time I remained silent and didn't try to do the right thing, I was ridiculed. Why couldn't I do anything right?

Right, right, right. Too much repetition.

Okay, so I think this is a good story and a good idea. But I don’t like the journal way you go about it. Your writing in a story style rather than a journal style. It seems pointless to have it in the journal style to me.

I do like your character though. I think she is very interesting. None of your characters seem two dimensional at this point, which is excellent. Sometimes in your writing it seems as though you mix the usual order around too much to try to portray it isn’t modern day. You don’t need to do this. It is clear from the context, as long as you don’t use modern day slang, and add in the odd old fashioned word, it will be fine.

What I do like is the way everything in your story is very vividly described, it’s very well done, and I can imagine it all very clearly in my mind. Your writing style is very well developed, and your vocabulary is excellent. However I feel that you would be more suited to writing a ‘normal’ style story than a journal style. I think the reason for your tense problems is the journal theme. I know it’s hard to give your story that quirkiness sometimes, but your writing sets it apart anyway, without the journal bit.

Overall I think the plot moves nicely, and it’s left open to many plot angles, which gives you a lot of flexibility. I think your characters are very well written. Their motives are all clear. One thing you may want to add is what set off the sisters love of pirates. You have clearly worked hard on this so well done, it shows in your work. This really was a fantastic read, if you have a problem with anything I’ve said, or a question about… well anything really, feel free to PM me any time you want! I hope this was helpful. If I seem overly critical please don’t hesitate to tell me, I don’t want to offend, I really do think this is excellent. If you would like another review on the next post, please let me know! Thank you!

~ Roon

Hey Rose, here as requested. ^_^

"I am. As Is Helena." said I. "We're twins."

'Is' shouldn't be capitalized.

Tonight, the supper party escalated from its usual three - Father, Helena, and myself - to seven, adding on Isabelle, my Aunt Catherine, Uncle Edmund, & Father's new mistress, Anne Murray.

a.) Never use the & sign in prose. Write out, 'and'.

b.) You should scratch this paragraph. While it's great that you're introducing a whole slew of characters, you're doing it too quickly and qithout explanation or description as to who's who. Sure, Aunts and Uncles, but wait to mention them until they actually appear in the scene-- walk through the door, speak up, whatever it is. But throwing all the names together makes them hard to remember or recognize later.

"They're good kids! What did their mother think of them?"

Father paused. He held his fork in his hand, but he not bring the food too his mouth. He didn't speak. It was as if he had ceased from his living form and melted into a statue. I frowned, looking at Anne, whose expression had faded into blankness. I knew that Father was very sensitive whenever Mother was brought up, because they had had a really deep relationship. I saw it in my earlier years. I was sickened with the fact that Anne didn't know that, but I hoped this experience would teach her not to mention my mother. It was doubtful, though.

Honestly, it was very rude of Anne to blurt that question aloud, in front of Madeleiene. I know you're trying to make her seem undesireable anyway, but why doesn't Madeleiene (who I'm nicknaming Maddy, for time's sake) react to this rude question? A lady she doesn't approve of is asking whether or not her mother loved her, or thought she was a disappointment. If you heard someone imply that, most likely you'd get angry. Or a bit indignant.

"Isabelle," he said finally. "Have you read the news at all today?" I smiled, awaiting Isabelle's response and her thoughts on the matter.

Hmm, I'm not liking the use of 'smiled' here. It doesn't imply anything besides politeness, and right now we need to be learning more about Madeleine. Does that make sense? Try to use a verb or description that reveals more about her. Like, I set down my fork and narrowed my eyes at Isabelle, awaiting her response and thoughts on the matter Or, I nodded enthusiastically and looked, wide-eyed and waiting, at Isabelle from across the table, wondering about her take on the matter. Both of those express more reaction. And believable characters are all about reacting! ^_^

"Father mentioned it briefly," said Isabelle quietly.

I'm not sure who 'Father' is here. You have Maddy and Helena's Father, who asked the question. I'm assuming Isabelle isn't there sister, but we don't know that for sure-- so the mention of two Fathers is confusing. It seems like Isabelle is telling Father that Father mentioned it, and...yeah, clarify?

You could have her call her dad Papa, or say:

"My father mentioned it briefly," said Isabelle quietly.

Father gave her a menacing look, his cold gray eyes shooting colour like beams of fire. Isabelle looked down at her plate of food, not daring to gaze up. "He did, did he? And? What did you make of it?"

Then it's easier to seperate the characters.

"I doubt that the attack was actually conducted by pirates," returned she.

Returned she? Really? Okay, so I get the whole historical vibe. But this is really forcing it, eh? ^_^ Just go with 'she returned', or 'she responded'. Don't make the lingo overkill, otherwise readers will just roll their eyes and think you're trying to hard.

"Have you learned anything as a member of this family?" Interjected her father.

The 'I' of 'Interjected' needs to remain lowercase. If you need it, there's an article on Dialogue Punctuation in the Knowledge Base. Unfortunately, it's not here yet! You can probably still find it on the old site.

"Listen, Isabelle. Pirates are not the fantasy that you've always dreamed of. There is a reason that they carry a sword, and it is not because they are fancy. Pirates are cold, murderous killers. The are heartless wretches who have no souls.

"If you would like to become one of them, It's up to you. But the consquences are deadly. If you follow that path, you'll be dead in in a few years, and your soul will be damned to hell."

This is a super passionate response, but when Isabelle was talking and you were describing the atmosphere at the table, you didn't tell us any of Madeleine's emotions. For something she feels so strongly about, she would be seething on the inside while Isabelle spoke, and not just waiting patiently until she was done. Try to add some more of this reaction (there it is again ) earlier in the scene, right as Isabelle speaks.

Secondly, quotation mark before 'If'. Every time you start a new paragraph, you need to put the beginning quotation mark.

"I wont have it!" screamed Isabelle, her voice shredding through the narrow room like an axe. She rose, grabbing her plate of food and throwing it at me, which I narrowly dodged. The china shattered against the deep brown walls, its fragments littering the dark blue carpet.

After that, Isabelle thrust her chair aside and left the room. We don't know where she went. I was a little shaky. Isabelle's behavior had been uncalled for. Even if I offended her, it was the truth, the truth that she needed to know.

More emotion in the second paragraph-- she was almost smacked in the face with hard, sharp china, by a family member!-- and more description of the plate-throwing in the first paragraph. When people chuck plates across the table, much the food will probably fall off on the way (littering the table-top, not the carpet) and heavy plates are really hard to aim! Chances are, Maddy wouldn't even have to dodge it because Isabelle's aim would be really off anyways, unless she has practice ruining china.

"Madeleine! You had to say that to Isabelle, and she ruined our best china! Your mother's china!"

Mentioning the ruined china at a time like this? I can't see that, honestly. xD It seems a bit unrealistic, don't you think, to be worrying about the plate when your family just threw things at each other? And who says this quote, anyway?

"Madeleine, we've told her before, and she hasn't listened."

"It's been given out subtly in the past! We tried that, it didn't work! Dumping all the information about the kind of people pirates really are was necessary at this point!"

"Yes, Madeleine, I understand. You should know that Isabelle is sensitive. I don't think she's really going to run away and become a pirate, after all, she's had that chance for nine or ten years. What you said was completely unnescary, and a plate of your mother's china is broken!"

Something I've noticed-- in dialogue, your language isn't nearly as ancient. You use contractions in speaking conversations(we've, hasn't, it's, don't, she's) but not in Maddy's diary itself, when she's narrating. Be consistent with your time period's language, ya? ^_~

in a cold, razor-sharp, monotone fashion.

Scrap one of these adjectives. It's overkill. ^_^


So, my main issue is not knowing Isabelle's age here. It shouldn't bother me so muhc, but it does. So, please slip that in there somewhere?

Alright, for characters, you need to involve more of the dinner guests in this conversation/scene. Right now it's rotating around Maddy and Isabelle, when really one of the adults would most likely try and stop the argument before Isabelle chucked hte plate across the table. Or they'd interrupt, reprimand Madeleine's harsh words, something. You can't just ignore the secondary character's reaction because it's more convenient to forget about them in a particular scene. Ya? Include them!

Lastly, the informal tone of the perspective makes everything seem really detatched. You need to describe more of the scene around Maddy, and tap deeper into her emotions and reactions. Because right now we're not getting any of those, and with first person it's especially important to make that connection with the character.

^_^ Overall, a really cool idea with the possibility of some great characters! Just work of believability, characters, and Maddy's connection with the readers! PM me fore anything.

~Evi

Hello! Sorry I'm so late! It kinda slipped my mind...

Anyways, you wanted me to pick out American words and find the English version? A few may have sipped my net but I've got:

First of all; the name. Yes, sorry. ^^ Does she have American roots? Or is she properly English? As "gray" is spelt "grey" in England. Maybe her ancestors moved over from America? O.o

28 July

28th July?

It is nearly suppertime, and we are all gathered in the parlor,

Spelt "parlour" in England. ^^

"Twins! Isn't it marvelous, Edward?"

Marvellous.

Father gave her a menacing look, his cold gray eyes shooting colour like beams of fire.

Grey.

Realizing

English: always a "s" instead of a "z". The same with most words like this. Can't think of any off the top of my head.

But the consquences are deadly.

Consequences, but that may be a typo? O.o

Isabelle's behavior had been uncalled for.

Behaviour.

What you said was completely unnescary, and a plate of your mother's china is broken!"

Unnecessary, possibly a typo?

I focused my eyes on the sagging wrinkles of my Father's beige skin, the gray eyes and large nose.

Grey. XD

Those were the American/English things I picked up on.

Other things I picked up on:

& Father's new mistress,

Say "and"! Not that!
As for the "Father's new mistress" that jumped out at me. Does she dislike her father? And does he often take mistresses?

get romantic

You have been brilliant with the voice so far, I can imagine this really is someone from the (1800s?). Well, Victorian time. (I am terrible with history, please excuse me XD). Anyways, "get romantic" doesn't sound ... right. Become romantic? Or: Become involved with over women?

I sigh, returning to my journal.

This is her writing in her journal and we're kind of reading what she's written? This doesn't sound like she'd write it. It's obvious she's returned to the journal because she's continued writing. Also, would she note down about her sighing? Read Anne Frank's diary? She writes in her journal like it's another person, she even has a name for it.
I suggest either removing it or writing it differently.
: But it is best not to dwell on such matters, you shouldn't like to know, I think, diary. Urgh, that's so bad I'm cringing. Journal writing is not my thing. Isn't it hard??

The meal was laced with interesting conversation,

Love. XD

"I am. As Is Helena." said I. "We're twins."

Typo with this speech tag. I say so because you've had the previous one nailed. Replace the full-stop (period? ) after "Helena" with a comma.

Anne started laughing, which was more like a donkey bray.

Ha ha!
Although this is brilliant in the humour department, it sounds awkward to me.
:Anne started laughing, which sounded more like a donkey braying.

...but I saw her as a mad woman with wild chocolate hair.

You're trying to cast her in a negative light? Think of another way to describe the colour of her hair. Unless the MC hates chocolate. Chocolate is normally associated with "mmm, nice" things, which is something, I guess, the character you're describing is not. Nice, I mean.
Also, a comma needed after "wild" 'cause you're describing the hair not the colour, right?

"Twins!" She exclaimed.

The speech tag should not have a capital "s".

...returned she.

I just love this speech tag. It's perfect!

"Listen, Isabelle. Pirates are not the fantasy that you've always dreamed of. There is a reason that they carry a sword, and it is not because they are fancy. Pirates are cold, murderous killers. The are heartless wretches who have no souls.

If you would like to become one of them, It's up to you. But the consquences are deadly. If you follow that path, you'll be dead in in a few years, and your soul will be damned to hell."

You always have the opening speech marks. It's soft of hard to explain and I'm tired. How about I show you instead?
"blah blah blah.
"blah blah blah blah blah."
Eh?

you'll be dead in in a few years

See the problem? You've got an extra "in".

"I wont have it!"

: "I won’t have it!"

She rose, grabbing her plate of food and throwing it at me, which I narrowly dodged. The china shattered against the deep brown walls, its fragments littering the dark blue carpet.

A little extreme. Back then, all emotions were kept under strict control. One slip and you'd be socially ruined forever. I doubt someone as well bred as she would resort to such a thing.

Suddenly, I found all pairs of eyes staring at me. Their gazes were not friendly.

Sounds odd. Creepy. Something to do with the "all pairs of eyes".

Dumping all the information about the kind of people pirates really are was necessary at this point!"

"Really are was"? Scrap the "are".

I don't think she's really going to run away and become a pirate, after all, she's had that chance for nine or ten years.

Should have a semi-colon after "pirate" rather than a comma.

I tried to ignore all the awed faces in the room...

I think "awed" is the wrong word here. "Shocked", "appalled"?

getting my diary,

Sounds odd in the sentence. Possibly change it or omit it.

In my Father's eyes, It seemed as though everything out my mouth was the wrong thing to say.

You've got a capital "I" on "it".
Also, on "my Father's eyes" - father shouldn't have a capital, as you say "my father".

So! Overall, that was WAY better than I was expecting - as I said, diaries, not my thing. But this is wonderful. ^^ I enjoyed it very much, and I'm glad I've got more chapters to read and review. So I shall review the others soon.