Turning the Knives 2

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Michael sat down on the end of his father’s bed. Nigel leant against the pine wall between his and Annabelle’s wardrobes and folded his arms.

“I’m not proud of what I’m about to tell you.”

Michael didn’t know what to say.

Nigel sighed, and looked at the floor. “When I was twenty – back in 2012 – remember I left for a couple of months on a business tour in America.”

“Yeah,” said Michael, “vaguely.”

“It wasn’t a business tour,” said Nigel. He glanced up at Michael, and then looked back at the floor before continuing. “I was involved in an anti government cult. That was back in the Western Coalition’s early days. The business tour was actually a rendezvous to plan acts of sabotage.”

Michael frowned. Nigel had never given the slightest hint that he might have a secret past.

“Someone must have tipped off the authorities, because as soon as the meeting started, soldiers stormed the building. It was carnage. Most of the American and European members were killed. Fortunately us Australians were seated on the other side of the room, and some of us could make an escape.”

Nigel paused and looked Michael in the eye. “Very few of us made it back to Australia though. I was lucky. This scar,” he pulled back his sleeve to reveal a dark red mark. Michael had seen it plenty of times. “Not a chainsaw accident. Gunshot wound.

“I’ve only kept contact with three of my old friends from those days. We haven’t done any more anti-government work since. Earlier today, I got an anonymous g-mail, obviously from a member of the cult, saying that all three of them were killed. I tried contacting them, but there was no reply.”

Michael stared at his father, who shrugged.

“That’s all I know at the moment. They were all in America though. I don’t think there’s an immediate risk to us.”

Michael nodded, but he certainly didn’t plan to risk sleeping tonight.

Nigel stood up. “I’m going up the shed to get your sister. She ought to know too. You go and see if mum needs a hand with dinner.”

“Okay,” said Michael. He followed Nigel through the house to the front door.

Everything went black. The extraction fan yielded to the sound of the easing rain, and Gabriel’s cry; “mummy.”

“Blackout,” said Nigel. “I’ll switch the generator on while I’m up there.”

The door creaked shut. Michael felt his way into his room and found his keys in the light from his laptop screen. He pushed the button on the mini LED torch key ring
Outside he heard the Toyota Hilux drive up the hill to the shed.

Michael walked back into the kitchen where Gabriel clung tightly to his mother’s leg.

“Odd that the power went out now when the storm’s died down,” said Annabelle.

“Odd that the power went out at all,” said Michael. “We haven’t had a blackout in years. Not since the mains powerlines went underground. The fault would have to have been on the above ground spur... On our property...”

A rifle crack boomed through the night.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Hippie wrote:Nigel sighed, and looked at the floor. “When I was twenty – back in 2012 – remember I left for a couple of months on a business tour in America.”

A question mark after America, since it was a question?

Michael frowned. Nigel had never given the slightest hint that he might have a secret past.

I think this is pretty obvious. If you've got a secret past, you're usually not going to leave hints. I would suggest you portray Michaels feelings around the discovery of the secret past instead.

Other than these remarks, the story is moving along nicely. I like it how you show Nigel's shame, when he looks down at the floor, unable to face Michael when telling him about his secret. All in all, it's getting more exciting, and I can't wait to read more! Keep on writing, mate. This will be interesting.
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.




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Thanks Alec for your advice. It's heartening to know that the suspense is building. It's impossible to tell that myself seing as I know what's going to happen. Need any reviews, just give me a shout.

Jeff
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Cult of personality
Just a head's up, and it’s very possible this is a cultural thing, but, (at least in the U.S.) someone would never, ever, ever describe themselves as being in a ‘cult’. It brings to mind Charles Manson, the Branch Davidians, Heaven’s Gate etc. Likewise, cult’s aren’t usually described as anti-government. Many of them are, but anti-government groups would usually be labeled ‘rebels’, ‘secessionists’ ‘terrorists’ ‘freedom fighters’ ‘anarchists’ ‘protestors’, etc. Cults almost always have a spiritual, pseudo-religious or utopian aspect which it doesn’t sound like is the case here.
Again, if these terms have different meanings where you live, fair enough, but American readers are gonna go ‘WTF?’

I think in this chapter you handled the date thing better so props on that, but I’m going to harp again on the importance of fleshing out this Michael character (well, and everyone else). He in particular, hardly bats an eyelash (except for saying ‘he wouldn’t risk sleeping’. Explore why not! His inner thoughts and fears. That’s good stuff) at his Dad’s story after saying earlier he’d never suspected a thing. Mighty wooden reaction, and not very relatable if you ask me.
I know it's early, but if they aren't interesting or relatable to the reader early on, they probably won't stick around for later chapters.
There seems to be some government v. anti-government clash brewing and the cliffhanger is pretty good. Nice work so far. I'll be reading.
-Pattycakes



Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein