A Lost Soul (working title) - Chapter 2

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Hello, I have been playing with this chapter for so long it's become a bit of a blur to me and I feel it's time to gain some outside perspective. I'd be very grateful for any opinions and input - the harsher, the better! I would advise reading Chapter 1 first however, because, well, then the following would perhaps make more sense. Thank you! p.s. It looks longer than it is due to being broken up with lots of dialogue, please don't be put off!


CHAPTER TWO

I found myself wrapped in a tight hug that pulled me to my feet. I knew then that we were in trouble.

“Oh thank God,” mum whispered, clinging to me tighter.

Over mum’s shoulder I spotted Ally being sat down on the grass a little way away by her mum Charlotte, whose long skirt settled on the ground around her in a puddle of paisley fabric.

I couldn’t help but catch sight of the house high up on the hill behind them, its crooked silhouette setting a dark shadow against the night sky; the perfect backdrop for a nightmare.

I shuddered and mum pulled away, holding me out at arms length.

She scrutinised me frantically. “Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, surreptitiously tugging my sleeve down over my cut hand.

“Well, where have you been?”

I frowned as I noticed she wasn’t wearing any make-up. Mum always wore make-up; she even wore make-up to put the bins out. Her human colouring seemed strangely unnatural to me, as if her hair had turned blue or she’d grown a second head. I couldn’t see what would have been so important to make her forget to put on her red lipstick that morning.

“Well?” she persisted.

I ignored her questioning and instead wriggled free from her anxious grasp and hurried towards Ally. But I was stopped in my tracks as Charlotte extended a long willowy arm across my path.

“Please can I speak to Ally?” I said, going to walk around her arm but she held me still by the arm with a gentle but firm pressure.

“Speak to your mum first George sweetheart, hm?” she replied coolly, squeezing my arm encouragingly. “I need to have a word with Ally myself anyway, it was very naughty for you both to disappear like that today.”

I looked to Ally who was idly picking at the sequins on Charlotte’s skirt. She glanced up at me and nodded serenely.

“George,” mum said from behind me, with a clear warning in her tone.

I sighed, defeated. “Okay.”

Charlotte smiled and patted my cheek, the numerous rings adorning her fingers cool against my flushed face still warm from running. “Good boy.”

I smiled back weakly and turned around to face mum.

She was watching me wearily, her arms crossed and her lips pursed. I squinted at her in the moonlight shocked to see that, for once, with her clothes carelessly thrown on and hair sticking out in different directions, I could believe she was my mother.

She moved towards me and bent down so our matching dark eyes were level. “Where have you been George?”

I chewed on the inside of mouth. She shook my shoulders as if to jolt an answer from me. I looked down at my trainers, digging the toe into the ground.

I could feel her growing exasperation behind the pressure of her fingertips. “George, I want you to tell me the truth right this minute, where have you been all day?”

I shrugged, shifting uncomfortably under her hold. “Just around.”

“At that house?” she said, more a statement than a question.

I shook my head vigorously. “No we weren’t, we were just around here, on the hill and earlier we were on the beach and-”

She gestured for me to stop and sighed heavily. “I told you specifically never to go anywhere near that place. Why did you not do as you were told and why did you think it okay to not go into school today?”

I shrugged in a sort of non-committal way, glancing at Ally and Charlotte.

She let go of my shoulders and stood up, cradling her head in her hands. “I didn’t know what could have happened to you, all sorts of things were running though my head!”

“Sorry.”

“We had the school on the phone, your father came home from work to help us look for you, we didn’t even know where to begin; I mean, do you know how that made us feel?”

She dropped her hands and I could see her eyes ablaze with fury.

“Sorry,” I mumbled again, edging back slightly.

“Terrified! We were terrified,” her voice faltered and she turned away from me so I couldn’t see her face.

She ran her hands through her thick dark hair, holding them there so her elbows met in the middle.
I watched her stood like a statue in a frozen silence, waiting for her to continue. I had nothing to say for myself that I felt she could possibly understand.

Charlotte was talking to Ally in a quiet murmur and I strained to hear what she was saying, trying to remove myself from the frost surrounding mum.

Charlotte never seemed cross with Ally. I always thought she was really cool. Ally didn’t even have to go to school; Charlotte taught her at home. I once heard her say to mum she didn’t trust the teachers just to teach Ally to read and write. I hadn’t understood what she had meant at the time. But then I always supposed she had good enough reason to not want Ally to go anyway; the things I would sometimes hear the teachers say I was certain Ally should never hear. But it didn’t just end with the teachers.

I went to walk towards them both, longing to hear what Charlotte was saying. But mum reached out and grabbed my arm just as I turned away. By the time I realised why, it was too late to hide anything.

She pushed back the end of my sleeve partly covering my hand with quaking fingers. “What’s this?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly, trying to snatch it away but she was quicker and turned it upwards until the shining moon betrayed me.

“How did it happen?” she asked quietly; that sort of quietly you know is going to be followed by too much shouting.

She knelt in front of me, the casual moonlight drawing shadows from her cheekbones down to her jaw, chiselling her sharp features even more drastically. I watched the muscles in her neck twitch as she clenched her teeth and drew my hand nearer to the light.

Licking my dry lips, again I looked over to Ally, desperately this time, willing her to meet my eye. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or say when the shouting began; I wasn’t sure what was a secret and what wasn’t. But Ally wasn’t looking at me to give me the answers and she wasn’t looking at Charlotte either, or her lap, or the ground; she was looking up at the house.

“What’s wrong Anna?” Charlotte asked mum, drawing my attention back from Ally.

Mum held my hand out to Charlotte, her face aglow with rage. “Look.”

Charlotte gracefully moved to kneel beside mum and took my hand. She slowly examined my palm as mum stood up and stepped away with her back to us.

“What happened George?” she asked me quietly, glancing up briefly at mum.

She was holding my hand too tightly and I tried to pull away but she didn’t seem to notice.

I cleared my throat. “Nothing.”

Mum made a disparaging noise and we both looked up at her.

“What’s the matter Anna?” Charlotte asked smoothly.

“You and that child!” mum snapped, with a burning look. “Same old story, same old damned story.”

Charlotte carefully placed my hand back by my side and stood up, towering over mum who was considerably shorter and stouter than her. “I’m sorry?”

Mum pointed an accusing finger at Ally. “Her! Just being with her puts him in danger and you don’t make things any better! Putting ridiculous ideas into their heads all the time, that sends them running off to goodness knows where, out of our sight and supervision!”

I almost jumped as I felt a cool hand slip into mine. But held on tightly when I realised it was Ally.

“They’re fairytales Anna,” Charlotte corrected indignantly, eyes flittingly between Ally and me. “Children need fairytales, they’re important and so are adventures!”

“Yes well, to me it is important that my son is safe,” mum retorted heatedly.

Ally took a step forwards so they both looked at her. “I don’t put George in danger.”

“Ally takes care of me,” I agreed fervidly, stepping forwards as well so I was beside her.

Mum laughed mirthlessly, putting her hand to her mouth.

“She does!” I protested.

She ignored me, addressing Charlotte instead. “George would be a lot better off if he mixed with other children from now on.”

A wave of icy pins and needles flooded through me from head to toe. Ally’s hand clenched mine tighter.

“It’s okay George, nothing can break the bond,” Ally whispered.

I looked at her determined expression as she turned her palm over so mum and Charlotte could see.

“The magic has already finished. You can’t break our friendship, it’s too powerful,” she told them boldly.

Mum spluttered. “Magic?”

Ally nodded.

Frowning, Charlotte reached out and cradled Ally’s hand.

“So we can be friends forever,” I piped up, my initial panic calming.

Mum gawped at me and then shook her head decidedly. “No. No, I should never have let it get this far, it ends now.”

She took me by the shoulders and pulled me apart from Ally.

I tried to fight her but she pinned me down with a firm gaze. “Listen to me George, one day you will thank me.”

“You can’t break the magic!” I shouted. “It doesn’t matter what you say!”

Mum bent down and cupped my face in her hands, eyes glistening. “She can’t do magic George! For goodness sake, have some sense! Can’t you see she’s drawn you in? They both have and it’s my fault, I let them.”

I smiled bitterly, almost laughing in the face of her ignorance. “No, you’re wrong. Ally- Ally can do anything!”

Mum stroked a thumb over my cheekbone, her eyes sad, then looked to Charlotte. “You’ve really done a good job on him haven’t you? He idolises her.”

Charlotte said nothing.

“Mum please,” I whispered, tears falling over my cheeks.

She swept them away gently with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry George.”

She tried to lift me up but I pushed her away. “No!”

Then Charlotte was beside mum and she was pulling at her arm. “You can’t do this to her! She’s just a child; he’s all she’s got.”

Mum shrugged her off roughly. “Like you were all he had?!”

Charlotte fell still, her grey eyes wide. “Don’t.”

“Today, you thought the same as me. You thought we’d lost them both for good. You thought he was back, through-“

“Stop!” she screamed.

I started to cry harder. I felt stupid and childish but I couldn’t help it. Charlotte never shouted, she never shouted!

“Who’s he?” Ally asked.

Charlotte’s eyes fixed on Ally’s as if a bolt of lightning had struck her. A wave of blond hair had worked itself lose from the thick plait running down her back and was now hanging in front of her face. She reached out a hand and Ally walked towards her, taking it.

“It’s okay Ally, Anna is just angry and she doesn’t understand. It’s not her fault though so we mustn’t be angry with her,” she said soothingly, stroking circles across Ally’s knuckles with her thumb; something she always did to stop either of us feeling upset but Ally pulled away.

“Like everyone in the town doesn’t understand?” she questioned.

Charlotte nodded, pushing her fallen hair behind her ear.

I frowned at mum, echoing Ally, “Like everyone else?”

Mum shook her head. “No, don’t make out I’m like them Charlotte, don’t you dare!”

“But you are,” Charlotte countered, with a hiss. “With their rumours and their lies.”

“My dad, you were talking about my dad,” Ally directed breathily at mum.

Charlotte opened her mouth before mum had the chance to respond. “Yes sweetheart, Anna is confused, but it’s okay because we know the truth and George knows the truth.”

I looked at mum beseechingly, desperately willing her to argue. “But mum does know the truth, don’t you mum?”

But she didn’t say anything, or nod or even shake her head; she just bowed it.

A silence followed, one that made goose bumps run all over my arms, despite the sweat clinging to my brow under my heavy fringe indicating the summer evening’s sticky heat.

“Mum?”

Growing up in Piggotsea, I had quickly learnt that adults could be stupider and crueller with their tongues than should ever be allowed. Often when their poisonous gossip wasn’t aimed at each other it was aimed at Charlotte. I always remember feeling irritated that, as a child, I was expected to do as these adults said, with no hope of them opening their eyes and ears wider than their own ideas.

I was always certain Charlotte wasn’t one of those adults who had lost sight with height and had sought comfort in the belief that mum wasn’t either. But stood there watching her bowed head, I was no longer sure.

Hot tears dribbled from the corners of my eyes. I watched as she slowly raised her head and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“You don’t understand George,” she murmured.
“I do. I do understand,” I cried in anguish. “Todd Gerrish was Ally’s dad and he died in an accident and that other man, that other man everyone says is Ally’s dad, the one who killed those people is just a lie and they’re stupid and now you’re just like them!”

She winced but didn’t deny it. “You don’t understand George, but one day you will thank me.”

“Stop saying that!” I yelled, feeling myself practically coming out of my skin with the ferocity of my frustration. “We don’t have to keep away from them! Charlotte didn’t help him and he isn’t going to come back for Ally!”

I was so angry with her. It felt like the greatest betrayal to Charlotte, to Ally and to me, she could ever have committed.

“Why don’t you understand?” I choked.

She sniffed hard, and I noticed tears threatening to spill over the rims of her eyes. “Come on, we’re going home.”

I stepped back away from her. “No!”

A shout had chimed in with mine from behind me, from someone I didn’t recognise. I turned around and was shocked to see Ally with clenched fists and glassy eyes.

“No!” she sobbed.

Time stood still for a moment.

I felt shell-shocked, like somehow the world had flipped on its head. Ally didn’t shout, she didn’t even raise her voice and she never, ever cried because she was Ally and it just wasn’t within her to get so furious and upset. Charlotte losing composure was one thing, but, Ally?

Charlotte swept forwards, almost knocking me over, and scooped Ally up into her arms.

“Ally?” I said shakily.

Ally looked as taken aback by her own emotions as me.

“Look what you’ve done!” Charlotte screamed at mum. “Look what you’ve done!”

Mum didn’t say anything but I saw her lip tremble.

Then before I had time to do anything, Charlotte was hurrying to the footpath and out of sight and I could hear Ally wailing like someone had ripped out her heart.

It had been broken, I could feel it, the magic was gone and all I was left with was emptiness.

It felt like grief, like someone had died.
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.

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Hello! Roon here, sorry for the wait, my computer was in a mood with me! Anyway, here is my review, thanks for posting on my thread. I will start with nitpicks:

Over mum’s shoulder I spotted Ally being sat down on the grass a little way away by her mum Charlotte, whose long skirt settled on the ground around her in a puddle of paisley fabric.

Comma after Ally.

I couldn’t help but catch sight of the house high up on the hill behind them, its crooked silhouette setting a dark shadow against the night sky; the perfect backdrop for a nightmare.

Comma after house. Also, I like the backdrop image, it really gets the imagination of the reader going.

I frowned as I noticed she wasn’t wearing any make-up.

Comma after frowned.

Her human colouring seemed strangely unnatural to me, as if her hair had turned blue or she’d grown a second head.

Human colouring? I assume you’re talking about her natural skin tone, I think you should just say that, it sounds weird…

I ignored her questioning and instead wriggled free from her anxious grasp and hurried towards Ally.

Comma after questioning, comma after grasp.

But I was stopped in my tracks as Charlotte extended a long willowy arm across my path.

Semicolon after tracks.

I said, going to walk around her arm but she held me still by the arm with a gentle but firm pressure.

Say trying to walk around her arm. Also, comma after arm.

“Speak to your mum first George sweetheart, hm?”

Comma after first.

myself anyway, it was very naughty for you both to disappear like that today.”

Semicolon rather than comma, I think.

I looked to Ally who was idly picking at the sequins on Charlotte’s skirt.

Comma after Ally.

Charlotte smiled and patted my cheek, the numerous rings adorning her fingers cool against my flushed face still warm from running.

Comma after face.

I squinted at her in the moonlight shocked to see that, for once, with her clothes carelessly thrown on and hair sticking out in different directions, I could believe she was my mother.

I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say here, that she’s not really the model mother? That because she was flustered she was a better parent? I think there are better ways to portray this.

She moved towards me and bent down so our matching dark eyes were level.

Comma after me, comma after down.

She shook my shoulders as if to jolt an answer from me.

Semicolon after shoulders.

“George, I want you to tell me the truth right this minute, where have you been all day?”

Comma after truth.

I shrugged in a sort of non-committal way, glancing at Ally and Charlotte.

Get rid of sort of, and add a comma after shrugged.

her voice faltered and she turned away from me so I couldn’t see her face.

Comma after and.

She ran her hands through her thick dark hair, holding them there so her elbows met in the middle.

Thick, dark, hair.

I watched her stood like a statue in a frozen silence, waiting for her to continue.

Standing like a statue. Then you should put a comma before standing.

I had nothing to say for myself that I felt she could possibly understand.

Comma after myself.

Charlotte was talking to Ally in a quiet murmur and I strained to hear what she was saying, trying to remove myself from the frost surrounding mum.

Comma after murmur.

Charlotte never seemed cross with Ally. I always thought she was really cool. Ally didn’t even have to go to school; Charlotte taught her at home.

I think this could be one sentence, replace the full stops with commas. Only a suggestion though, you may not feel the same way.

I once heard her say to mum she didn’t trust the teachers just to teach Ally to read and write.

Just to teach Ally to read and write? Do you mean she was just at school until she could read and write, or that she didn’t want her at school in case they taught her more than how to read and write. It’s unclear, and maybe you could just leave this bit out, it doesn’t really add anything to the story.

I said quickly, trying to snatch it away but she was quicker and turned it upwards until the shining moon betrayed me.

Comma after away.

Licking my dry lips, again I looked over to Ally, desperately this time, willing her to meet my eye.

Change the comma after time to a semicolon.

I almost jumped as I felt a cool hand slip into mine.

Almost jumped is passive, say jumped.

“No. No, I should never have let it get this far, it ends now.”

Why does the mother think this girl is so dangerous? Maybe you should delve into this issue a little more.

I tried to fight her but she pinned me down with a firm gaze.

Comma after her.

Mum bent down and cupped my face in her hands, eyes glistening.

Comma after down.

They both have and it’s my fault, I let them.”

Comma after have.

her eyes sad,

Her eyes were sad. Also, sad is a fairly weak word to use here.

She swept them away gently with the back of her hand.

Commas before and after gently.

She tried to lift me up but I pushed her away. “No!”

Semicolon after up.

“Today, you thought the same as me. You thought we’d lost them both for good. You thought he was back, through-“

Who was back? Back through what? Is this relevant? I’m intrigued. That is what I thought when I first read this bit, well done!

It’s not her fault though so we mustn’t be angry with her,”

Commas before and after though.

she said soothingly, stroking circles across Ally’s knuckles with her thumb; something she always did to stop either of us feeling upset but Ally pulled away.

I would punctuate it as so:
she said soothingly, stroking circles across Ally’s knuckles with her thumb, something she always did to stop either of us feeling upset; but Ally pulled away.


Growing up in Piggotsea, I had quickly learnt that adults could be stupider and crueller with their tongues than should ever be allowed.

Than should ever be allowed? I think you can think of something more emotive.

I always remember feeling irritated that, as a child, I was expected to do as these adults said, with no hope of them opening their eyes and ears wider than their own ideas.

I would change the comma after said to a semicolon.

“You don’t understand George,” she murmured.

Comma before George.

“Todd Gerrish was Ally’s dad and he died in an accident and that other man, that other man everyone says is Ally’s dad, the one who killed those people is just a lie and they’re stupid and now you’re just like them!”

Odd punctuation, I’m not sure how to fix it.

She winced but didn’t deny it.

Comma after winced.

I turned around and was shocked to see Ally with clenched fists and glassy eyes.

Comma after around and comma after shocked.

I felt shell-shocked, like somehow the world had flipped on its head.

Comma after somehow.

Ally didn’t shout, she didn’t even raise her voice and she never, ever cried because she was Ally and it just wasn’t within her to get so furious and upset.

I think you should replace the and after ‘she was Ally’ with a semicolon.

Charlotte losing composure was one thing, but, Ally?

Lose the comma after but.

Mum didn’t say anything but I saw her lip tremble.

Comma after anything.

Then before I had time to do anything, Charlotte was hurrying to the footpath and out of sight and I could hear Ally wailing like someone had ripped out her heart.

Comma after then, semicolon after sight.

It had been broken, I could feel it, the magic was gone and all I was left with was emptiness.

Replace the and with a semicolon.

It felt like grief, like someone had died.

The latter part of the sentence is redundant.

Okay, after all that! I think this is a wonderful idea, truly fantastic. You hit your age group perfectly here. Your character development is nice, the tone and mood you achieve are incredible! One thing I will say, is that you should explain the situation with Ally’s father a little better, the details are still quite blurry, but this can be done in a later chapter, an info dump is never the way to go!

What you may want to do is describe your characters and locations a little more thoroughly. At the moment we basically have to conjure it all in our own imagination. Also, times of day are a little hazy as well. Your characters can be as developed and likeable as you want, and your plot can be interesting and sustained, but if we can’t picture the details, we will get bored, but your writing style is great, so I didn't.

Your story is original and well-written. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, you have clearly spent a lot of time perfecting it, so your characters seemed real and we could clearly identify with the situation!

I found this very enjoyable, and your writing style is sublime. The way you keep the interest is great! If you want another review on a later chapter, just let me know, and I’m there! Thank you ever so much for replying to my thread, I truly enjoyed reading this!

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




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Looks like somebody's beat me to the nitpicking, but I'd still like to let you know what I think. It was really good, but I honestly didn't realize George was a boy until Charlotte said it. I know it's silly, but most names are used for both in some capacity. Maybe you need to begin clarifying who your characters are earlier on. I'd also liked to have known more about the relationship between Charlotte and Anna beforehand. It's obviously strained in this part of the book, but has it always been? Anyway, awesome job. Please keep posting. I'd love to read more!




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I still want to hear something about an age... because it's confusing. Just slip it in somewhere, anywhere. Otherwise, it was a lottle confusing until I got to the end, when most of the shouting made sense. I thought the bond was forever, though. What about that? It can be broken with a few words and some tears? re-think maybe?
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Okay, nitpicks first:
"She gestured for me to stop and sighed heavily. “I told you specifically never to go anywhere near that place. Why did you not do as you were told and why did you think it okay to not go into school today?”"
The last part about school makes this seem forced. Too many questions. I think It's the "and" that breaks up the flow and naturalness.


"She let go of my shoulders and stood up, cradling her head in her hands. “I didn’t know what could have happened to you, all sorts of things were running though my head!”"
I think it should be changed, just the way the sentence is phrased. Maybe "Something could have happened to you! All sorts of things were running through my head!" Also, Though should be through. You forgot the "r".

"I watched her stood like a statue in a frozen silence, waiting for her to continue. I had nothing to say for myself that I felt she could possibly understand."
Stood should be stand. It really doesn't make sense this way.

Charlotte never seemed cross with Ally.

I once heard her say to mum she didn’t trust the teachers just to teach Ally to read and write.

“Nothing,” I said quickly, trying to snatch it away but she was quicker and turned it upwards until the shining moon betrayed me.

"that sort of quietly you know is going to be followed by too much shouting."
quietly should just be quiet.


"“Who’s he?” Ally asked.

Charlotte’s eyes fixed on Ally’s as if a bolt of lightning had struck her. A wave of blond hair had worked itself lose from the thick plait running down her back and was now hanging in front of her face. She reached out a hand and Ally walked towards her, taking it.

“It’s okay Ally, Anna is just angry and she doesn’t understand. It’s not her fault though so we mustn’t be angry with her,” she said soothingly, stroking circles across Ally’s knuckles with her thumb; something she always did to stop either of us feeling upset but Ally pulled away."

I was really confused by this. What does the "Who's he" mean? Who is she talking about. Also who's hair is hanging out. I don't know, you just lost me here.

I do think this was really good, and I still want to know where Ally went. Unless she had just gotten up because she saw the adults. Maybe find a way to clarify this. I would also describe the location a bit more and slip in something about their ages. Very good though, and I will be reading part three... Also, make links to the other chapters before the story begins, because some may become lost to the forums and it could become difficult to find them.
Current Project: Otherworld (Novel) - 11,000 words so far
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