Love the sinner

Okay, this is my first ever contest entry. I hope this is what I'm meant to do. It is the story of a pedophile. Please review. Thank you ~


***


I like to think of myself as a rogue tiger, stalking along the dead grass towards my prey, a young cub, maybe two if I'm lucky. It gives me a sensation that I can't escape. Power. And when I've locked into my twisted mantra, it expels the guilt. I move on after I've quenched my urge, to a new place. The next town, perhaps.

Having the ability to actually take hold of something so fragile and use it to my own means gives me such an adrenalin rush. The fact I can crush an innocents purity is something I admit to being proud of. Some say I'm sick, demented and foul-thought. I say I'm at the height of my ability. Who else can say they can single-handedly take down a child from a highly patrolled area? It's all a game to me.

Yesterday was my most recent hunt; he had no idea it was coming. I followed him for a few minutes, my heart jumped every time he looked back over his shoulders, his expression one of fear. Fortunately, he spun an idiotic move, turning left into an alley. I picked up my pace and turned left, to find the boy trying to scrabble up the mesh fence that led to the other side. When he realized I had drawn near, he had turned and gave a blood-curling scream. The look of crazed horror in his small blue eyes had almost made me feel sorry for what I was about to do. Almost. I stepped forward and in a matter of moments, the struggling became a blur and soon I was relieved of my desire. It's at that moment of time, with the child in my arms, that I wish it would never end. And then I had let the limp child fall from my clutch onto the concrete and backed quickly out of the alley. Down the street was my parked car, a nonchalant, dark blue buggy. I approached it coolly, making sure I was not one bit of interest to any passerbys, then I stepped in and drove off.

Stephen Rouley is my name. I am notorious and the least conspicuous on the playing field. In my life, a buzz was the closest friend I had. Often after an attack of privacy to the innocent, I would go undetected in a town or two away. I would stow away in a homeless shelter, pretend to be mute and sometimes mad, and that would usually establish my anti-social antics to the public who seemed to want to come and chat. I hadn't been ratted out yet. Not yet. My life remains on one golden thread, and that thread is barely hanging in.

My problems have become a little too hard to handle, and for now, I remain off the radar in a rubbish dump, three towns over from my previous day's doing. No doubt my work has been published all over, and families have taken extra desperate measures for the safety of their children. I sit brooding now. My brain whirs. It hurts and I groan, clutching my head. Painful memories sting my present and I'm dragged unwillingly into the past. It's 7th grade now, and the jock boys are bullying me in front of the girl I happen to be crushing on. Just before the jock boys connect my nose to the floor again, some one steps in, and I find myself in the safe arms of a 12th grader. He leads me away, after a few nasty remarks to the jock boys, and I find myself outside the old boys bathroom. It is away from sight, and I look up to the 12th grader to thank him. His name is Kurtis, and his chiseled face is surrounded by blond curls. I am almost lost in the deepness of his blue eyes. I open my mouth once more to give my thanks but he briskly steps forward and his palm collides with my nose with a sickening crunch. I find myself crumpled on the floor, a trail of blood leading out my nose. I'm too blind with shock to feel anything he attempts. I lay motionless on the floor, my head rolled to the side and every nerve numb inside me. I focus on the puddle of rain water beside my head. Watching intently, it takes me a few moments before I realize something dieing inside me. The spark in my emerald green eyes dull and everything seems to darken. Brown spider legs fall into the puddle of water and I tense. Then I realize it's just my hair and my breath comes back. Suddenly I'm sucked back into the present. I'm sitting amongst the pongy rubbish in the dump, and the familiar wave of misery washes over me once again. I decide right then and there I don't just hate blue eyed kids- I despise them.

I'm like a bad car, love isn't auto. To experience it I must do it manually, with my own two hands. And even then its my own diluted impressions on what love is or must be. I wonder where Kurtis and those jock boys must be now. And that girl. With families, possibly. I ponder if I've crossed the path of them, and not realized it. Remorse seeps through me, flowing like poison in my veins. I didn't want a life like this, unlike most pedophiles who have the mental problems triggering their attacks, mine are of revenge. Just simply revenge. If I'm messed up, I want others to be messed up, grow up the way I was forced to. In secrecy of rape. And some times, I feel guilty.

But then I remember I am a rogue tiger, stalking along the dead grass towards my prey.

This sounds really good, but I have some suggestions.

Yesterday was my most recent hunt. He had no idea it was coming.

I wouldn't keep the period there, maybe a comma? Between hunt and him.


That's seriously all I found, some may find more or less. But I think you should switch that around. It'll sound better.

Keep on writing!

Hey there!
I am Incognito and I am going to review your work today.
I am actually looking forward to this. I have never read a story about a pedo before.
Let us begin!

I. Nit-picking

I like to think of myself as a rogue tiger, stalking along the dead grass towards my prey, a young cub, maybe two if I'm lucky.

This is a brilliant way to start a story I have to tell you. Right away it got me into it because it made me laugh. I told you before this is my first story reading about a pedophile before and it just made my day.

It gives me a sensation I can't escape.

This is actually fine, but this is just a personal comment. When you read this, there is two ways to think of it, that he is actually feeling like he can't escape or that the sensation is unavoidable to him. That is why I would simply add a word after 'sensation'. I am sure you are meaning the sensation is unavoidable to him, so add a 'that' there. It also makes it flow better for me.

Thirst.

This doesn't work as well as it should for me. 'Thirst' makes me think of wanting water, or drink. In a vampires case, blood. But I think you could get a better word to describe the man's feelings. Like 'desire', 'passion', 'lust'. I am not sure what he would be feeling because I am not actually a pedophile and I will never actually be one, but, it is just something to think about.

And when I'm in this solitary thought, it expels the guilt.

I would recommend rephrasing this because a reader can get thrown off. What threw me off is simply the 'in this'. I was so confused how you could be in a thought. Try something like; 'This solitary thought clouds my mind, heightens my senses, and expels the guilt.'

It gives me such an adrenalin rush. It gives me power... over something so fragile and young.

Now here is one thing a lot of writers forget. What is 'it' what is giving him the adrenalin, what is giving him the power? I myself and not quite sure what 'it' is. For the first one, I would thinking 'it' would be the stalking of the child, or raping the child. Stalking he child doesn't quite work for the second one, but I do think that raping the child would give him power. : /

The second part of this is that I am going to comment on your ellipsis (the ... thing). There is rules for using the ellipses and what they are actually used for. I will state all that later, but in this case it seems odd to me because even when you piece the sentences together it makes only a slight amount of sense. one way it could be read is that he ellipsis is used how it is supposed to and that the writer zones out on a train of thought and returns to finish the sentence to what that train of thought lead to. Even then it is vague.

I personally don't like using ellipses in the middle of sentence. Only because it just makes thing much more confusing because ellipses have many meanings to what they are supposed to do, and at times like these I am forced to actually think of them and see which on fits. I believe it does work without the ellipsis, so you might even be better off just removing it.

'The fact I can crush and Innocent's purity is something I admit to being proud of.

'Innocent's' shouldn't be capitalized.

Some say I'm sick, demented, and foul-thought. I say I am at the height of my ability.

I just highlighted that for one reason. I have never used that put that way before. I am sorry if it is actually correct, but something seems a little off to me and I am not quite sure. I see 'foul-thought' more of a noun then an adjective so it seems oddly out of place. Though if it actually can be used as an adjective, mind telling me what it means? I might actually want to use that in my future writing. See that, I pick up my vocabulary from other people. xD

Who else can say they can single-handedly take down a child from a highly patrolled area.

If it begins in 'who, what, when, why, or how' it is usually a question. And with a question there always comes a question mark.

I snuck up and before he could scream as loud as he could, as taught by anxious mothers, it was over and done with in a few minutes, and I soared off down the street, before anyone could associate me with the fallen child.

First things first, wow. This is a very long sentence. Break it up a bit. Add a period somewhere. Don't be afraid. xD

Try to stay away from having run on sentences because it can tie out the reader and makes it seem like it is dragging on more then it usually does. What also makes this run on is because of the many commas used so close together at this point in time. There is a couple commas in there which aren't actually needed, so I will let you decide which ones.

Secondly, how did he sneak up? From behind? Be specific and make sure the reader doesn't find holes. Holes are uncomfortable to fall into.

Now thirdly, what was over and done with in a few minutes? The rape? Say that the man was satisfied with raping this innocent child. He enjoyed the weakness in his arms and he muted the boy with his hand or something. Add more detail. But not too much, or else that will make it incredibly uncomfortable to read. xD

Last but not least, I have a question. Can all pedos fly away like magic? How did he soar away? I just took it as if he was flying, and then I realized probably a car or van. But mainly these four points could have been prevented if you added an adequate amount of detail to get rid of the simplest questions. Again, if you are really concerned about something, think about 'who, what, when, where, and how'. Those five friends help you make sure your statements are correct all around if all details are added. I can make a whole awesome routine to ask yourself. Think 'who did what at what time, where and how?'
I can answer it to! Stephen drove away in a silver jaguar sedan after he raped the child, in a dark alley-way by driving. You may notice the parts which I just happened to make up. And those are the parts you need to figure out. xD

My blood pulse crazily through my temples and I remember wanting that moment to never end.

Simply random. Why would the blood pulse crazily through his temples? And by the order of the paragraph, I am not sure what moment he never wanted to end. Was the moment raping the child? If so, this should be included before the statement about the magical getaway. If it is the getaway, then say the moment was the get away.

Stephen Burgendorf was my name.

He got a name change? That is interesting.
Instead of 'was' it should be 'is'. It is a simple tense mistake.
But if you meant that that was his name when he raped the child and he got a name change then you might want to state that, and I deserve a cookie because I was right in the first place.

No doubt my work has been published all over and families have taken extra desperate measures for the safety of their children, the vulnerable of the bunch.[/uote]
The 'vulnerable of the bunch' throws me off. I say just get rid of it. No need for unnecessary information, just like there is no need for holey socks. Like those thing would actually keep your feet warm.

It's 7th grade now, and the jock boys are bullying me in front of the girl I happen to be crushing on.

Aw, poor Severus Snape. James Potter, Sirius Black, and Lupin are making a fool of him again in front of Lilly. Pshh. I love Harry Potter.

(This wasn't a critique against you, it was just a random thought that came to mind. )

The flood of misery fills me once again and I'm left spluttering and gasping for breath, crumpled on the floor, a ring of blood around my face.

This slightly confuses me. Is he back in the present time? Or is this still his memory. And more importantly, why is there a ring of blood around his face. When you say ring of blood, I literally think a ring of blood. Mind clarifying a bit more about what you were trying to mean? It could also be important for you to include that in this piece.

Remorse seeps through me, flowing like poison in my veins. I didn't want a life like this, unlike most pedophiles who have the mental problems triggering their attacks, mine are of revenge. Just simply revenge. If I'm messed up I want others to be messed up, grow up the way I had to do. And some times, I feel guilty.

This is all great, marvelous except for one simple detail. In the beginning, he purely enjoyed raping, demeaning these children. It seemed more out of pleasure then anything else. I believe he certainly has mental problems taking something from childhood that far. I understand how he could also be raping for revenge. But there is no real things he can avenge for. He was picked on. Just that. He wasn't raped, so why would he rape all the other kids. They would grow up differently then him.

I think that it would be a lot more emotional if he himself was raped when he was a child, explaining his problems. A 7th grade spite match wouldn't drive someone so far to seriously harm little kids, forcing them into pain, ruining their lives forever. He needs something more to push him over that edge.

But then I remember I am a rogue tiger, stalking along the dead grass towards my prey...

This is certainly a great way to end it. I would make this just a separate line from the paragraph because it is such an impacting line and it would make it awesome.

Now here the ellipsis works. But I have a grudge against all ellipsis. Especially in the middle of the sentence, or at the very end of the story. I would think it would was more dramatic and impacting if you made it separate and just left it a period.

I love how your story came around in a circle. Absolutely wonderful.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

Your grammar is spectacular and there wasn't anything really noticeable with your writing, though I will tell you the rules of the ellipses here.

The use of ellipsis can either mislead or clarify, and the reader must rely on the good intentions of the writer who uses them. An example of this ambiguity is "She went to … school." In this sentence, "…" might represent the word "elementary." Omission of part of a quoted sentence without indication by an ellipsis (or bracketed text) would mislead the readers. For example, "She went to school," as opposed to "She went to Broadmoor Elementary school."

An ellipsis may also imply an unstated alternative indicated by context. For example, when Count Dracula says "I never drink … wine", the implication is that he does drink something else, which in the context would be blood. In such usage the ellipsis is stronger than a mere dash, where for example "I never drink—wine" might only indicate that the Count, not a native English speaker, was pausing to get the correct word.

In writing the speech of a character in fiction or nonfiction, the ellipsis is sometimes used to represent an intentional silence of a character, usually invoked to emphasize a character's irritation, appall, shock or disgust.

Ellipses are also used in quotes to shorten and pick out the main points you are trying to get to. For example;

Juggling cats is bad. You should juggle cats. That said, it is okay to juggle hamsters.
In the same context, juggling dogs would just be too hard.

Now say you were going to use that quote for something but you don't want to use all of it because it can get redundant and has a lot of unnecessary information.

If you are cutting text from a sentence, you should have instead three dots.

You ... shouldn't juggle cats.

If you are using two sentences, but want to cut from the beginning of the second sentence, you would use four dots.

Juggling cats is bad.... it is okay to juggle hamsters.

It is quite simple, frankly.

I used Wikipedia and prowritingtips.com for some of that information.

III. Character Development

You have brilliant characterization. Your character certainly has different personality traits perfectly revealed, stunning. And that is just with thoughts alone. I was mystified.

One thing you need to make sure is that the reasons for his actions are good enough reasons. They have to be realistic or else the character is going to be very hard for the readers to connect to and they will be slightly undermined by the seeming immaturity of it. It was only a small detail here.

What I particularly like was how you slowly revealed the information in the piece, showing progression in the character on its own. He slowly drifted out of his high, and fell into pathetic memories that just brought pain back into his heart, reminding him truly whey he was who he was. It is something that many readers don't do in a piece.

Though the progress may be slow, In any happening that may have occurred, humans become, they adapt and their personalities slightly change and alter. They become wiser with everything that has happened. And sometimes they progress so far into their little world that they start to decrease and start to hate themselves. Humans always change and that should be reflected in writing. You did that. And I really found that intriguing.

There is one thing though, I would have loved to figure out what this man looked like, not just left to the readers imagination. I wanted that closeness, and astonishment at realizing slowly what he looked like. It would have been easier to feel the distinction of his ultimate humanity. But you have to be careful when adding description of the characters. You really should actually blend it all together, and make sure you do not info dump. You get what the character looks like from describing their actions. For example;

He looked down at me mockingly, his golden hair framing his face like a wrongly placed halo. He swiftly reached out from below his black cloak, revealing blue velvet, white lace, skin almost just as white; and he grabbed that crystal glass. He brought the blood red wine to pallid lips. He wasn't ugly, he was farthest from it.

You can get out of that that he has blonde hair, pale skin, is wearing a cloak, blue velvet which sleeves are trimmed with white lace. In that random description I was actually describing on of my favourite characters named Lestat from the Vampire Chronicles by Ann Rice.

Out of that you would also get a bit of a glimpse of his personality. Remember, you portray the characteristics so well through thoughts alone. If you described their actions, you could get an even better glimpse at who they really are for nobody moves in the same way.

IV. Writing Format

With your writing, there wasn't any dialogue for me to critique you on, nor much action, just a lot of reminiscing. Now what you could have done is give a bit of what the setting looked like in the rubbish dump here and there. Add a few sprinkles so that the reader would devour the whole entire donut or piece in this case.

Though there is one case in which I would have made two paragraphs instead of just one:

I like to think of myself as a rogue tiger, stalking along the dead grass towards my prey, a young cub, maybe two if I'm lucky. It gives me a sensation I can't escape. Thirst. And when I'm in this solitary thought, it expels the guilt. I move on after I've quenched my urge, to a new place. The next town, perhaps.

It gives me such an adrenalin rush. It gives me power... over something so fragile and young. The fact I can crush an Innocent's purity is something I admit to being proud of. Some say I'm sick, demented and foul-thought. I say I'm at the height of my ability. Who else can say they can single-handedly take down a child from a highly patrolled area. It's all a game to me.

The reason why I say these should be different paragraphs because it makes it more organized. It makes it ultimatly confusing because with a paragraph, it is all intimately connecting information. And that means it is undeniably quite organized and should be that way. What you did here is made it not organized because you were describing the feeling after you described what it was like when it was done. You can make a new paragraph or your yourself could rewrite the fist paragraph to make it make more sense and be in a logical order for the reader. Think of it as putting your thoughts in order to fully get an understanding of something.

V. Overall

Your piece is brilliant. I really did love it. It was perfect and I am glad that was my first time reading a story about pedophiles because that was something that was amazing. You got right into the mind of this demented character, though I do think you could make him a little more demented.

Now remember, you did an excellent job and there is proof that you spell checked this before and read through it before you posted. That is a great thing to do certainly. Remember the rules for ellipses. And also remember, you will get the occasional person like me who just really doesn't like them. I find them absolutely pointless.

Your characterization was brilliant. I think that if you just add in a bit of description. Your piece here is fine because it is in the form of a monologue, but if you were writing a story, make sure your get those hidden appearances in there, after all those actions will help progress your characterization.

Overall, I really did like this, and I would really like to read more of your work. If you have any questions you can PM me.
Hope to see you around.
~Incognito

*bump again. please review*

Oh no! Incognito went and killed all my glorious nitpicks

I'll just comment on the story as a whole.

A very interesting topic, and one that most writers (around here) are scared to touch on. I love the so-called "taboo subjects" that plague every facet of society nowadays, so this instantly caught my attention.

And I've got to say, you didn't disappoint. Getting the other side of the story--playing devil's advocate--is a favorite hobby of mine, and the way you write about this guy makes it perfectly believable. Just the right amount of detail. Not enough to make me cringe, but more than enough to keep me intrigued.

I applaud your courage to go through with such a subject, and everything that comes with it. Very well put together, and the journey kept my eyes until the very last word.

There were a few parts where the speech got shaky (grammar wise), but nothing big enough to point out.

Bravo.

Wow, I really really really really really liked it. I think the ending was good-- I don't believe in redemption or regret. They're overrated.
I have to admit though-- i thought this story was about a vampire who had a taste for child's blood (a vampire-pedo? Is there a story about that?)
And as incognito pointed out; you make a lot of references to "hunt" and "thirst" which are usually related to a more blood thirsty person than a lustful/hateful one.
Another nitpick that is kind of useless, unless your keen on rewriting large parts of your story; is that a child molester probably wouldn't want to chase the child-- no, he's want to befriend the child, get him/her to trust him, maybe even bring the child to his house and then do the awful deed. But then your metaphor is shot and you can't write about heightened senses and whatnot.
I'm sorry that wasn't such a fabulous review; I'll try to be more beneficial next time.

Whoa...man, just whoa. In a good way, though. I did think that this was going to be another vampire story, and the thought continued with, 'Seriously, more vampires?' But as I read on I was impressed, and just in awe, and I was a little sickened, but in the best way. Like, 'man that trick was sick!' I thought you portrayed the character awesomely, it scares me that this is what's going on in the world, and you can write about it. I am all for revenge, but only if it's for the right reasons, like his reason is good, but then again he's a little mad, and his good reason for revenge might slowly fall to the way side, and the monster will come forth. That will be very interesting to read, well done. I like it a lot.

Wow, This is one creepy story. All though it's creepy, it is still fanTASTIC. It was compelling yet dark. Stephen has a funny last name, is that on purpose? I thought it was a bit lame, sorry. But all i all a good pedophilistic story.

P.S thanks for the nightmares.... jokes.

-biffle

hey Bindy!Its Kayla btw

I liked it! Although it freaked me out so much! You captured Stephen's thoughts perfectly.


I <3 your writing!!

AMAZING STORY!!!

Lol Olli yesh it was on purpose , and CHUR Kayla I love your writing , too .