Turning the Knives 1

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The engine died, leaving only the sound of rain. Michael minimised the screen on his laptop and stood up. He walked through the lounge room, and onto the veranda to meet his father who trudged along the muddy driveway towards the house.

“Hey Mike,” he said as he crested the stairs and pushed back the hood of his oilskin coat to reveal his greying, hairy face.

“Hi dad,” said Michael. “Where’s mum?”

“Gone to pick up your brother.”

Michael noticed a strange, worried expression on his father’s face. An expression he hadn’t seen before.

Michael’s father kicked off his muddy boots and walked into the house. Michael followed him in, and saw his back rounding the corner to the far end of the house. Odd that his usually talkative father wouldn’t ask how his day had been.

Michael closed the heavy stained glass door, and the cold bluster ceased. He walked back into his room and brought back the homework assignment he’d been working on for his final year at high school. It was a research assignment on Hitler’s persecution of the Jews. So far he’d written the title and first heading, and stared blankly at the screen.

His father’s footsteps came back into the kitchen, where he paused for a moment, as if contemplating. Something definitely seemed amiss. Curious, Michael got back up and walked into the kitchen. His father saw him, and quickly busied himself filling up the kettle.

“Cold today,” he said, feigning indifference. Michael remembered going quiet like this when he had to do a speech at school once. It was as if he feared some impending doom.

Michael opened the freezer to get some bread. It was empty.

“Is mum doing shopping?” he asked.

“Dunno,” his father replied quickly, without changing his gaze.

Michael walked back into his room and sat down at the computer. He flicked on his heater, then clicked on iTunes, and waited for it to load. Another car came up the driveway; an old choking engine, barely able to keep itself turning over. His mother’s car.

“Mum’s home,” Michael called out. Silence. “Dad?”

“Yeah, I heard you,” came the reply.

An error message came up. “Stupid thing,” whispered Michael. It was an ancient computer, with an ancient operating system called Windows 7 from an ancient company called Microsoft. He clicked the ok button, and it crashed to desktop.

The engine stopped. Michael went back out onto the veranda. The early winter squall hurled raindrops in at his feet. His mother came up the steps, her soaking hair matted to her shoulders. “That bloody car,” she said. Michael saw steam rising up from under the car. It was an old red sedan from sometime in the 1980’s.

“Dad’s acting really strangely,” said Michael.

“What do you mean,” said his mother, handing him two bags of shopping, and taking another from her seven year old son who trailed closely behind her.

“See for yourself.”

Michael led his mother inside.

“Nigel,” she said.

Michael’s father was leaned against the stainless steel bench. He turned his head. “Oh, hi Anne. I just put the kettle on.”

“Is there something wrong?”

He paused, and then nodded his head ever so slightly. Michael’s mother walked over to him. He took her hand and led her around the corner into the art room.

“Stay there,” Michael whispered to his brother. He tiptoed through the kitchen and pressed himself up against the fridge near the corner.

“... are all dead,” said Nigel.

“Shit,” said Annabelle. “How?”

“Shh,” said Nigel. He whispered quietly. Michael picked up only a few words. “... Assassinated... Cult ... America.”

“Oh my god.”

“Shh.”

“Do you think...?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t tell the kids,” said Annabelle. “Not until we figure out what to do.”

There was silence, then the sound of movement. Michael scurried past the stove and opened the pantry just as Nigel emerged from around the corner. He quickly glanced away, and took out a packet of two minute noodles. Through the corner of his eye, he saw his father eyeing him suspiciously.

“What’s for dinner?” said Michael, trying to sound innocent.

“I don’t know,” said Annabelle, “I’ll throw something together.”

“What’s going on mummy,” said Michael’s brother, holding a bag of shopping.

“Don’t worry Gabby,” said Annabelle. “Michael, can you and Gabriel take the rubbish out.”

“Yeah,” sighed Michael, disdainful about being left out. He grabbed the full bin liner and tied the top. “Come on Gab.”

The two brothers walked out the back door. Michael kept his head forward, but watched out of the corner of his eye as his parents made their way towards their bedroom. Once they were out of sight, Michael turned to Gabriel.

“Stay here,” he said.

“But...”

“Stay,” said Michael, and he dashed back inside, leaving his brother standing in the middle of the lawn in the rain.

Michael ran light footed on his explorer socks through the kitchen and to the hallway door. He pushed it open slowly, and closed it behind him. He made his way through Gabriel’s bedroom, and pressed his ear up against his parents’ door.

“... don’t think they’ll come after us with the food crisis. They can’t afford to lose farmers.”

“What if they can?” said Annabelle. “If they’re killing those that oppose them, they must be pretty determined. It’s like Hitler.”

“Then night of long knives,” said Nigel. Michael recognised that phrase from his assignment research; the assassination of Hitler’s political rivals in 1934.

“Where could we go?” said Nigel.

“I don’t know,” said Annabelle. “Do you still have any contacts that could help us?”

“No,” said Nigel. “None still alive. I tried sending a reply but they didn’t get back to me. Perhaps they’re dead now too.”

“Mummy,” came a cry from the other end of the house.

Gabriel you idiot, Michael thought. He turned to run, but at that moment the door opened.

“Michael,” said Annabelle.

“Were you listening to us?” said Nigel.

Michael stumbled over his words for a moment. “I have a right to know,” He finally managed.

Nigel sighed. “I suppose I’d better tell you. Anne, go see what Gabriel wants. Michael, take a seat.”
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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“Then night of long knives,” said Nigel. Michael recognised that phrase from his assignment research; the assassination of Hitler’s political rivals in 1934.


I'm not sure, but shouldn't it be "The night..." ?

Other than that, I found that the narrative and secretive parts of it were very intriguing. I could feel the children being curious, and now, I am too! I'm looking forward to reading more, and finding out about what's going on. Michael isn't the only one who'll sit down. As soon as you post the next part, I'll be benched. This earned you a star, and I'm sure you'll get more of those.

Keep it up!
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.




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The engine died, leaving only the sound of rain. Michael minimised the screen on his laptop and stood up. He walked through the lounge room, and onto the veranda to meet his father who trudged along the muddy driveway towards the house.
1. What engine? And I think that “sound of the rain” would be better.
2. “Minimized” is misspelled.

“Hey Mike,” he said as he crested the stairs and pushed back the hood of his oilskin coat to reveal his greying, hairy face.
“Hi dad,” said Michael. “Where’s mum?”
“Gone to pick up your brother.”
Michael noticed a strange, worried expression on his father’s face. An expression he hadn’t seen before.

1. Crested the stairs? That sounds unnatural.

So far it’s good. I don’t know what’s going on, so I want to read more.

Michael’s father kicked off his muddy boots and walked into the house. Michael followed him in, and saw his back rounding the corner to the far end of the house. Odd that his usually talkative father wouldn’t ask how his day had been.
Michael closed the heavy stained glass door, and the cold bluster ceased. He walked back into his room and brought back the homework assignment he’d been working on for his final year at high school. It was a research assignment on Hitler’s persecution of the Jews. So far he’d written the title and first heading, and stared blankly at the screen.


Good job there.

His father’s footsteps came back into the kitchen, where he paused for a moment, as if contemplating. Something definitely seemed amiss. Curious, Michael got back up and walked into the kitchen. His father saw him, and quickly busied himself filling up the kettle.
“Cold today,” he said, feigning indifference. Michael remembered going quiet like this when he had to do a speech at school once. It was as if he feared some impending doom.
Michael opened the freezer to get some bread. It was empty.
“Is mum doing shopping?” he asked.
“Dunno,” his father replied quickly, without changing his gaze.


No real errors I could find.

Michael walked back into his room and sat down at the computer. He flicked on his heater, then clicked on iTunes, and waited for it to load. Another car came up the driveway; an old choking engine, barely able to keep itself turning over. His mother’s car.
“Mum’s home,” Michael called out. Silence. “Dad?”
“Yeah, I heard you,” came the reply.
An error message came up. “Stupid thing,” whispered Michael. It was an ancient computer, with an ancient operating system called Windows 7 from an ancient company called Microsoft. He clicked the ok button, and it crashed to desktop.


1. So is his heater next to the computer?
2. The comma between "iTunes" and "and" shouldn't be there.
3. So this is set in the future? Windows 7 isn't even out yet, I think. Maybe drop some more hints. (e.g. Hitler's persecution of the Jews, over one hundred years ago).
4. Crashed to desktop?

The engine stopped. Michael went back out onto the veranda. The early winter squall hurled raindrops in at his feet. His mother came up the steps, her soaking hair matted to her shoulders. “That bloody car,” she said. Michael saw steam rising up from under the car. It was an old red sedan from sometime in the 1980’s.
“Dad’s acting really strangely,” said Michael.
“What do you mean,” said his mother, handing him two bags of shopping, and taking another from her seven year old son who trailed closely behind her.


1. Whoa. Wait. What engine?
2. "her soaking hair matted to her shoulders" just seems wrong. Try "her soaking wet hair plastered to her shoulders".

“See for yourself.”
Michael led his mother inside.
“Nigel,” she said.
Michael’s father was leaned against the stainless steel bench. He turned his head. “Oh, hi Anne. I just put the kettle on.”
“Is there something wrong?”
He paused, and then nodded his head ever so slightly. Michael’s mother walked over to him. He took her hand and led her around the corner into the art room.
“Stay there,” Michael whispered to his brother. He tiptoed through the kitchen and pressed himself up against the fridge near the corner.
“... are all dead,” said Nigel.
“Shit,” said Annabelle. “How?”
“Shh,” said Nigel. He whispered quietly. Michael picked up only a few words. “... Assassinated... Cult ... America.”
“Oh my god.”
“Shh.”
“Do you think...?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t tell the kids,” said Annabelle. “Not until we figure out what to do.”
There was silence, then the sound of movement. Michael scurried past the stove and opened the pantry just as Nigel emerged from around the corner. He quickly glanced away, and took out a packet of two minute noodles. Through the corner of his eye, he saw his father eyeing him suspiciously.
“What’s for dinner?” said Michael, trying to sound innocent.
“I don’t know,” said Annabelle, “I’ll throw something together.”
“What’s going on mummy,” said Michael’s brother, holding a bag of shopping.
“Don’t worry Gabby,” said Annabelle. “Michael, can you and Gabriel take the rubbish out.”
“Yeah,” sighed Michael, disdainful about being left out. He grabbed the full bin liner and tied the top. “Come on Gab.”
The two brothers walked out the back door. Michael kept his head forward, but watched out of the corner of his eye as his parents made their way towards their bedroom. Once they were out of sight, Michael turned to Gabriel.
“Stay here,” he said.
“But...”
“Stay,” said Michael, and he dashed back inside, leaving his brother standing in the middle of the lawn in the rain.


1. "Michael, can you and Gabriel take the rubbish out." should have a question mark. This happens a couple other times.

Michael ran light footed on his explorer socks through the kitchen and to the hallway door. He pushed it open slowly, and closed it behind him. He made his way through Gabriel’s bedroom, and pressed his ear up against his parents’ door.
“... don’t think they’ll come after us with the food crisis. They can’t afford to lose farmers.”
“What if they can?” said Annabelle. “If they’re killing those that oppose them, they must be pretty determined. It’s like Hitler.”
“Then night of long knives,” said Nigel. Michael recognised that phrase from his assignment research; the assassination of Hitler’s political rivals in 1934.


Ooh...

“Where could we go?” said Nigel.
“I don’t know,” said Annabelle. “Do you still have any contacts that could help us?”
“No,” said Nigel. “None still alive. I tried sending a reply but they didn’t get back to me. Perhaps they’re dead now too.”
“Mummy,” came a cry from the other end of the house.
Gabriel you idiot, Michael thought. He turned to run, but at that moment the door opened.
“Michael,” said Annabelle.
“Were you listening to us?” said Nigel.
Michael stumbled over his words for a moment. “I have a right to know,” He finally managed.
Nigel sighed. “I suppose I’d better tell you. Anne, go see what Gabriel wants. Michael, take a seat.”


1. "“Where could we go?” said Nigel." should be asked instead of said. You seem to have a problem with questions.

Okay, this is really suspenseful, but the effect is somewhat lost because Micheal's head seems like an iron ball. You can't see into it. If my parents were talking about something like that, my heart would be beating fast, I'd be sweating. You don't seem to be doing much of that.
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Thanks both of you, so, note to self - more of Mike's thoughts and reactions, and remember those question marks.
Thanks for the stars also. Much appreciated.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Okay, pretty good stuff. Some general thoughts I had as I read:

Eavesdropping
So, cool, I get how it’s used to advance the plot, right? But it’s sort of played out, and I think I especially got a little prickly when it popped up twice in about 1,000 words. What, did this kid go to the ‘MI6 academy for youngsters’? Plot devices are necessary but they become repetitive in this specific instance. I don’t really see why these two scenes can’t be merged into one.
Secondly in my experience of trying to hear conversations through closed doors, people don’t vary the level of their voice as much as you’d think, especially not to more hushed tones (jumps into a louder voice are probably more likely with distressing material). If you can hear fragments, you can probably hear the whole thing, and if you’re consistently missing words, you’re unlikely to get anything at all. A better way, in my opinion, to convey what you’re looking (i.e. hiding some details) might be to have one of the people in the room notice the door is open a crack partway through the secret talk and shut it, muffling it or to have a character in the room turn on a radio or a fan to drown out the conversation.

Dating yourself
I’m not sure whether or not I dig the windows 7 reference as a way to measure how long it’s been since the present. On one hand it’s clever, but on the other hand, I’d consider windows ME an ‘ancient’ operating system nowadays and it’s been like, nine years since that. So is ‘ancient’ like ten years, or is it like 20 or 30? The reader doesn't know, which is bad when you’re dropping date hints.

Loco-Emotion
Character's seemed sorta stilted at moments that would've freaked me out big time. I mean, it could be the families' pretty stoic but they're talking about assasinations and the only reaction is "Oh my God."? Likewise, during these tense revelation scenes, or when his dad is acting really off-putting Michael seems relatively unaffected by it. Physical details (accelerated heart rate, sweat, holding your breath) as well as your mind going on overdrive, these details should be sprinkled throughout these moments.

Other than that, it seems intriguing! A modern take on muderous purges in Australia (yes?) seems ripe for some pretty intense stuff. Thanks for the read, I'll get to the later chapters soon probably! Feel free to PM me if you have questions.



What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines