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Red Vendetta part 2. (unknown) please review.



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Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:17 pm
pudin.junidf says...



Hi! so this is the second part of the story called "unknown". You may read the first part if you want, I would recommend it since it gives a better description of the characters.i would really appreciate it if someone reviews it and tells me what's right and what's wrong. So, please, read, check, review, correct if necessary.
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The night was peaceful, except for the constant noise of laughter and out of place comments coming from the living room. They spent the night chatting, babbling, talking about useless things, laughing the harmonious laughter that now I found incredibly unpleasant or it was just the fact that I was used to it. I wished my room was soundproof, but I knew that nothing could prevent me from listening to their soft whispers. I decided to give in and go downstairs to meet my disastrous fate. I knew what was coming; I knew what I was here for. I just didn’t want to face it. Childish, immature, I should have been used to this but even after all this years I never knew what to expect.

I got up from where I had been sitting all night and changed into clean clothes. Now that I was among my kind, among the creatures that resembled me, I could be as much myself as I wanted to. I could finally wear my last century’s tunics and boots and let my hair fall flawlessly in my back. Once I was changed and comfortable, I went downstairs.

I noticed it was early in the morning. The sun looked picturesque, its rays gleaming. The beautiful rays suddenly hit my skin with the kind of touch I somehow missed, warm and soothing. I loved them in my skin; I loved the warmth they created. And my skin… glowing, sparkling in the morning’s light. I enjoyed the feeling as I walked down the stairs that led to a huge 19th century dining room. But as soon as I stepped into the room, I knew I had to come from my comfortable state of nirvana and fight with my demons. It was time to face the eternal reality once again.

They were all seated in large wooden dining table, Julian, Fae and Darius. Darius was sitting in the middle chair, Fae and Julian seated in the chairs at each side of his sides. I didn’t know what they were doing in a dining table since we never ate at all. Well, unless they were having blood a la italiana, there was no sense at all in them sitting at a dining table. Why did they even have a dining table? I thought.
“Ugh, stupid vampires” I mumbled and rolled my eyes. I was sure they had heard me, but it was fun insulting old, cranky vampires.

“Good morning, Dear” Darius said with his charming voice and a big smile on his face as he looked at me.

“Why don’t you have sit?” Fae asked with an obviously fake smile on her face. I t was too early to start with the hatred, but she put me edgy.

“Sit Danielle” Julian said through gritted teeth, he was getting irritated. She got me edgy, I get him edgy and he gets her edgy back. It was an interesting edginess chain. I let out a little smile as I thought about that.
I
walked closer to the table and rolled my eyes while I let out a sigh. “Good Morning. And yes I will take a seat” I sat down as far as I could from my other three companies.

There was an awkward silence. They stared at each other not knowing what to say or what to do. They glanced at each other and then glanced at me; they glanced at each other at then glanced at me. That continued for about half an hour more. I was getting bored of that entire throwing glances thing. But when I was about to get up and do something more interesting with my day, Julian turned to me and interrupted my thoughts and actions.
“Don’t” He said. Everyone turned to look at us. It was highly irritating when he messed with my thoughts. He went in and out whenever he wanted to. Annoying.

I sat back on my chair and noticed the three pair of eyes staring right back at me. The first one to lower his gaze was Darius. But there was something more in him, a small hint of concern in his withered face.
“The situation is getting worse” He began saying. “The murders are increasing. We don’t know who or what is doing them. We know it’s a different kind. We find the smell, and it instantly leads us to another smell, piles of vampire’s ashes. The smell is never consistent.”His eyes were deep in thought and worry. These events were torturing him. It was fascinating for me to watch a once-upon a time leader and constant warrior of our kind so broken down, torn apart, frightened by a mystery threat. A long time ago I swore to myself to never let myself appear torn; never again seem humanly torn.

“We know” Julian suddenly said, “but we are here to help. We have to stop this as soon as we can. This threat will no longer exist”

“But we don’t know what is threatening us” Darius replied. I couldn’t stand his stupid weakness.

“What is threatening us or killing us?” I asked from the corner I was seated. My voice showed the anger growing within me.
Everyone stared at me, somehow surprised. I didn’t know if it was because of the sound of my voice or my sudden harsh comment.

“The strongest members of our coven are disappearing, missing. We supposed they are among the ashes that we found last Sunday. The day you came” Darius said turning his head slightly to Julian. “And we got something else” he continued saying. “We found a track, a vampire’s track running along the smell we found”

“Vampires?” Fae asked, “Do you have any idea who is? I mean, is it from your coven?
What a question. I thought. There was no possible way that he could know every vampire that came near the boundaries of Williams Lake and Vancouver. But I thought about what he said. There was one from our kind who was killing us.

“Emilian” Darius said in what was supposed to be a whisper. His voice was almost fading. I had heard of him before. He allied with our enemies to overthrow Aurel, our king, if that’s what I can call him. But besides that, I knew nothing about him and I didn’t understand why they had such frailty towards him.

“It’s not possible. He was expelled from our kingdom, he’s a nomad now” Fae added.
I turned my eyes to see Julian and fixed them on him; he was thoughtful, the expression that had been on Darius face was now on his. He suddenly looked old, withered, tired. I had no understanding of the situation and I thought of the words he told me in the airport: what is happening now in Vancouver is much more than just killing the threat, because right this second we don’t know what the threat is. He was right. It was not something I could not handle alone.

“If we don’t start doing something now, this will go out of our hands” Julian said. His words offended me; the sound of his voice enraged me. He was defeated way before the battle started. We were not made to surrender; we were made to conquer, trained to kill everything and everyone that went against our rules and suddenly we were resigning to our changeable fate. I was disgusted, exposing our fragility, looking defeated and…irrevocably human. Human, just the thought of it fed the loathe I already felt.

“The Romanian Empire cannot afford a rebellion” I said slowly. My voice sounded hoarse and strong, killer like. “We were sent to prevent and protect our kind from this; to kill and annihilate anything that goes against our creed; that goes against our empire. And suddenly we are surrendering to an invisible and stupid threat.” I said accusingly as I turned to look at Julian.

“Danielle, you…” I didn’t even know who said my name. I couldn’t stay there any longer, listening to all the useless things they were saying. I let out a growl and started running out of the house and into the forest. I ran as fast as I could. All I could hear was the low whoosh of the wind as I passed trees and more trees in inhuman speed until I stopped when I found a small clearing. The sun shone brightly there, so I decided it was a good place to think and arrange my rushing thoughts.

I couldn’t believe what I just did. Good thing I had hunted before coming here, because if I hadn’t, I would have ripped their heads off and burned them in that moment. But I didn’t ,I thanked my great self control, a self control I’ve learned to manage throughout this years. For some reason, I kept thinking about the buffet I had before coming here.

“Stupid thought.” I murmured and lay down on the soft grass that smelled like morning dew. I stared blankly at the clear blue sky as I pulled a shield between my memories and my consciousness. They always interfered with my weak sanity, so I pulled a black curtain between them. There was no sound except for the one of the wet grass moving beneath me and the animal life that mesmerized me with its joyful sound. Nothing moved, the wind made a whooshing sound as it hit the orange leaves of the trees. It was quite and I wanted to rest, or at least enjoy the secret stillness of that place.
Last edited by pudin.junidf on Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

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Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:21 pm
pudin.junidf says...



this is part 2.1. lol This part is actually longer but I didn't want to drown everyone in yet unnecesary information. I'll post part 2.2 in the next few days. Please review this and if you want ,the first one.
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine
  





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Wed Aug 26, 2009 6:08 pm
Elinor says...



pudin.junidf wrote:The night was peaceful, except for the constant noise of laughter and out of place comments coming from the living room.


I understand what you mean in this sentence, but the way you phrased it makes it seem a little bit contradictory. The first time I read through this, I thought that you were saying 'peaceful' instead of 'quiet'. I'm asmumming that you mean it was a peaceful night, like outside. Nice, cool weather, not a lot going on. Even if that isn't the case, change it to make it a little more clear.

pudin.junidf wrote:They spent the night chatting, babbling, talking about useless things, laughing the harmonious laughter that now I found incredibly unpleasant or it was just the fact that I was used to it.


Okay, this is a little gramatically incorrect. Try:

They spent the night chatting, babbling & talking about useless things. I know found their laughter unpleasant. Or was I just used to it?

pudin.junidf wrote:Childish, immature.


Should be - I was childish, immature.

pudin.junidf"where I had been sitting all night[/quote]

I thought the MC was in his/her room? Or, wherever he/she is, you should specify that.

[quote="pudin.junidf wrote:
Now that I was among my kind, among the creatures that resembled me,


This seems a little over-flowery for the situation. I'm getting the idea that your MC is anti-social, so maybe you could say say something about how he/she doesn't like hanging out with people.

pudin.junidf wrote:I noticed it was early in the morning.


Did your MC fall asleep? I thought it was nighttime.

pudin.junidf wrote: The sun looked picturesque, its rays gleaming.


Good description here, but It's really tell-y. My advice is to google image : sunrises. Then you can base your description of an image. Because, right now, I can sort of imagine it, but not really.

pudin.junidf wrote: I loved them in my skin; I loved the warmth they created.


Since sun rays aren't solid objects, they can't be "in" your skin. Try: I loved the feeling of them on my skin.

pudin.junidf wrote: And my skin…


You repeated the word "skin" 3 times in 2 sentences. Try to find another synonmyn.

pudin.junidf wrote:I enjoyed the feeling


Your MC has already stated that she enjoys the feeling of sun rays. You don't need to repeat it.

pudin.junidf wrote:They were all seated in large wooden dining table, Julian, Fae and Darius.


This seems a little awkward. Try: Julian, Fae and Darius were all seated at the large wooden dining table.

pudin.junidf wrote:I didn’t know what they were doing in a dining table since we never ate at all.


Then why does your MC's family have a dining table?

pudin.junidf wrote:“Ugh, stupid vampires” I mumbled and rolled my eyes.


"Ugh. Stupid vampires," I mumbled, rolling my eyes.

pudin.junidf wrote:“Good morning, Dear”


Okay, I've noticed this problem with you twice now. You should always have a form of punctuation at the end of a dialogue tag, whether its a ?, !, . or , - Comma is used most often. Only use periods if you have an example such as this.

"Jane," He called. "Dinner's ready!"

pudin.junidf wrote:“Why don’t you have sit?”


Why don't you have a seat?

pudin.junidf wrote:I couldn’t stay there any longer, listening to all the useless things they were saying. I let out a growl and started running out of the house and into the forest. I ran as fast as I could.


There isn't really much emotional build-up to anything that's going on. I don't feel your MC's pain. Perhaps try adding a few of her thoughts?


pudin.junidf wrote: Good thing I had hunted before coming here, because if I hadn’t, I would have ripped their heads off and burned them in that moment.


On a grammaticall note:

Good thing I had hunted before coming here. If I hadn't, would have ripped their heads off and burned them.

On a legend note:

I don't know what kind of vampires you are using, but there are two different ways to kill a vampire:
Twilight: Rip apart and burn the pieces
Dracula: Cut off the head and stake through the heart.
Stick with one, please.

On a plot note:

I think the reaction is a little extreme, no? They weren't really being mean to her or anything - just annoying her.


Okay, so your story has got a good start to it, but I still think it needs a lot of work. Right now, It's just your typical Vampire story, with not very much originality. I can't tell where the plot is going, but keep working hard. I dislike your MC, but I just think you need to flesh her out a little bit - she has great potential. PM me if you have any questions.

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Tue Sep 01, 2009 6:23 am
empressoftheuniverse says...



Hello; this has pretty much the same symptoms as the last post; except that your character doesn't sound as much like a teenage girl here; though she does have some moments of irrationality. Like thornedrose said; add some extra tension to the scene right before she ran into the wood. It seemed like you were using that quick seen to motivate Danielle to leave the house; but she needs a slightly better reason.

I actually like your main character; in certain poetic passages where you can see her true self shine through. I would quote them but they're pretty easy to pick out.

I'm going to assume that your vampiric rules are the same as twilight's? Can't eat food, drinks blood, sparkles in the sun? Cannot turn into bats but have special abilities? Good job setting those rules up, by the way.
This whole scene had a rather transitional feel; so I'm going to move on to the next one

Thank god thornedrose did the nitpicks for me ;)
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