Young Writers Society

A/N: They don't really relate with each other, but I didn't want to post them separately either.
I followed the 5-7-5 scheme with all of them. Let me know what you think.


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I want you to see
the blossoms of the plum tree
you planted with me.


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If I'm not done by
the end of this moon, may the
waves wash me away.


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The end of that pier...
it's whispering, it's calling –
it wants us tonight.


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An evening alone.
Someone has thrown a dried rose
into the water.


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All the doors are closed,
but I can hear how someone
is crying alone.


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I waved when I went.
You waved back, I glanced away –
and then you were gone.


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Flowers bow before
wind and distressed summer air.
They don't care for me.


*

Demeterrrrrrrrr. I feel like I haven't critiqued anything of yours in a really long time - probably because I haven't critiqued anything in a really long time...

# 1- Interesting; I'm not sure I've seen a haiku that rhymes before. And I'm trying to figure out what the rhyming means...anyway, I like this one because it is pretty mysterious. Who is the 'you', and why are they not around anymore? Plus, it still has a little bit of nature in it, and nature is definitely a key part of haiku.

# 2-

First of all I applaud you on Haikus, I can never get the hang of those.
The second one seemed a bit cliche to me, like I've heard it somewhere before. I love the third one though. It flowed so nicely, and I loved the message. Sorry, if I'm not much help, but as I've said before, I'm not that good at Haikus. So good job in my opinion, and keep writing.
~kaylyn

Demi! First order of business!

Now that's taken care of -- I love these! I do!

The first one I like as is.

The second I'm not sure I understand? "Done" is from "do" which is what's called an axillary verb, and "done" is the participle of that, so it's used as an adjective, to describe a state of something here, right? (tell me if I lost you, it's a grammar thing, and I could be wrong, too). So, you saying "done" leads me to ask, "done" what, or done with what? So what I'm trying to say is that the second one doesn't sound finished to my ear, because of that word -- it's too vague I think.

Third one, nix the ellipse, please! Otherwise, I like it!

On five, "how" isn't entirely grammatically correct in English, but it's not a huge thing ^^

Six! Just a couple things -- I would suggest using "left" instead of "went," since "went" isn't really used in that way in English so much. That aside! Maybe a semicolon instead of a comma after "back"? I love this one, I do! It's just this great image I get when I read it.

Seven! Ok, I can't be helpful, because I like it too much. I never would have thought to use "distressed" to describe "summer air," but the effect is really cool, especially as that is exactly how summer feels, sometimes. Distressed!

Overall, I enjoyed reading these, Demi! Nice work with what I think can be a really difficult medium.

<3 Bek

Okay, here comes the army of red pens. Sorry, I just had to say that. Don't take the crit hard, please, it's just what we do here. I'm going to be a bit picky, just to warn you.
the first poem: problem: haiku aren't technically supposed to rhyme. It sounds a bit heavy for such a delicate little piece. the image is beautiful, but the rhyme is so heavy...it weighs it down. Try changing it to see if it sounds better.
the second poem: a wistful piece, most definitely. I love again, the images and the idea, but the third line gives me a little pause. The w-sounds in 'away' 'wash'and 'wave' seem to clash a bit. Alliteration, just like the rhyming, are a little heavy for these delicately structured phrases. Try re-wording it. cheat tip: sometimes a haiku can be made something like 5-7-6 in the name of artistic license.
the third poem: again, beautiful. You have a real gift with words. My one suggestion- using the it's, it's in the middle line is a bit dull. Try replacing with something less repetitive. I tried coming up with something a little different that works...not going to post it because it is, after all, your poem.
fourth haiku: wonderful. it gives me a great image in my mind. some people paint with brushes and watercolor. You paint with words.
fifth poem: I'd replace the 'how' with 'that'... just another picky peeve of mine, lol.
sixth poem: Um... the 'went' in the first line just seems bland. Try 'passed' or another more descriptive word.
seventh poem: It's beautiful and poetic, but I don't get it. The third line seems detached from the first two.
Overall: you did great. Haiku are annoying little bugars to write, and for quite a while I had a phase that I tried to fit everything into their strict, sometimes confining structure. Try free-verse, expanding these images and ideas... I think a longer piece that's more connected could do the emotions portrayed in these justice. Keep writing!
-Vox

"haikus" = "haiku" *nods*

Dems! Now I'm home I can finally review this for you. Because we all know holidays are for doing nothing while pretending to be doing something.

The first haiku is a wonderful little poem. It's so simple and straight-forward; it takes real skill to do that, to bring in so many ideas with just three short lines. I find the the rhyming pattern very effective, and it works so well because the first time I read the haiku, I didn't notice it, just felt the flow and then was like, "zomg it was a rhyme!" Well, not exactly, but anyway. Well done! Also, personally, I disagree with vox. It's not forced whatsoever, and for that reason, it works brilliantly; all it seems to do is glue the poem together. Which is good. Lovely poem.

Number two again has a great image, but the first line is a bit boring. "If I'm not done" is so plain that it feels longer than it should. Too many short words. Specifically, "done" is boring. Vague. Vagueness is, yes, often good in poems, but this one would be more mysterious if you used another verb to point us in a direction, otherwise the idea's just a simple "it's taking too long" kind of story. If I'm making any sense at all. Also, I love the alliteration. But I think you should bring this into the first line too, otherwise the start seems a bit unconnected, as I've said.

The third one's great. I like the ellipsis, as it gives it an eerie feel, but maybe that's just taste. Do whatever you want. I think either way - ellipsis or not - it'll work for different reasons. I'm sure you can work them out. Not much more to say.

Four is fantastic. I really appreciate how each haiku seems to say a little fragment of a story - obviously, different stories, but you get what I mean - and this particular one, while specific, could still have so much to tell in a back-story. I'll stop rambling. Actually, no, I won't.

Five isn't my favourite, but I still like it. I agree with what the others have said about the "how" thing. Once again, you've used some great skill to show us the scene, but this time I don't like the actual scene. It feels so bland and almost doesn't distinguish itself from the rest of the haiku poems - what I would love is a little indication to what has happened, why this person is crying. Because a cry is a cry. What causes a cry, however, can change a lot for the reader. Just a word or two. I'm sure you can do it.

I seriously can't be anymore helpful than Mesh and Vox before on number six. It's a great creature of a haiku of a poem of yours.

Seven = Boobolove: The Return. Really. But one tiny nitpick is that I don't like how you used "they"; do you mean that the flowers don't care for you, or the summer air, the wind and the flowers don't care for you? I'm not sure how I would clarify for that, but if you know what I mean, I'm sure you can. ^^

And so! Lovely poems, Dems, and as they get shorter, they get harder to write. And you wrote these very well. Sorry if I've been unhelpful, but there's not a lot more to say. As is always the case with your poems. And stuff.

So. Well done! You should write a book. Maradonia and the Seven Haikus.
Blinky