Young Writers Society

Hey everyone. This is my first poem - posted on here - and really, I'm not that much of a poem writer. But I love poems, love reading them, and hearing them... so I thought I'd try my hand at writing one. Hopefully I didn't bomb it, but I would appreciate ALL your comments. If the poems sucks, tell me so! Oh, and I'm not sure about poems and their grammar, so feel free to tear that subject apart, too. Thanks so much!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Parental Figures,

And why do I cry,
When I pretend to hear your voices?
Why do I bother to sob,
Every time I try and pictures your faces?
For you left me,
Cast me aside,
Turned away,
And abandoned all hope.

And for what?

NOTHING.

Nothing Is what I mean to you;
Nothing are the memories of us.
We had nothing,
No anything.
Never did,
And I’m afraid,
We never will.

We shared nothing in common.
Stil don’t;
No face,
Nor the love.
I even refuse to admit we’re blood.
But that makes you happy,
..You lying, ungrateful…

You know,
I promise not to be like you.
I won’t even end up like you.
I refuse to turn into the likes of…
You

For you hate me,
And I, you.

Because,
I’m nothing to you.
Never was.
Never am.

And I’ll hold it you,
For you to keep being…
Forever and endlessly,
Nothing to me.

Hate,
Your Little Girl

Awwwwwwwwwwwwr that is so sad

for your first time, it really is very good.

your enjoyment has certainly paid off
so has your reading

I love the idea, that you decide the build around one thing, expanding on it

i lvoe the idea of two types of writing mixed in to become one.


great work

keep it up

Thanks defend! I've written poems on and off before, but I'm not so good myself. Hopefully I can get some practice here though. Oh, and for future readers, I'm sorry about the length (literately) of the post. I didn't mean for it to be completely off the page! Looked fine in the preview... Ah, anyway, sorry about that.

Thanks for reading
-Silver

Thanks defend! I've written poems on and off before, but I'm not so good myself. Hopefully I can get some practice here though. Oh, and for future readers, I'm sorry about the length (literately) of the post. I didn't mean for it to be completely off the page! Looked fine in the preview... Ah, anyway, sorry about that.

Thanks for reading
-Silver

Hello Pen!

Here by request. And, yes my thread is open for reviews. : )

Here goes:

I like that this poem has a clear view point, and one main emotion that you try and focus on. What my problem with this poem is the repetition and the way it trails off. It gets too repetitive by the fourth stanza.

What you need to do is make each stanza unique and different. Show us what you're trying to say, in a unique and different way. There are many ways you can do this. You can try using imagery, metaphors and similes, or even a better word choice may be able to deliver your message in a more intimate and unique way.

I also feel there are many more ideas in this poem that are mentioned briefly but are not clarified. You just sort of mention them, and then go on to another idea.
First you talk about 'them' leaving you, and then not meaning anything to them, then you go to explain how you have nothing in common, and still after it's about how you refuse to be ever like them. What's missing is the core idea. We have trail of ideas that are linked to one another, yet they don't deliver the whole emotion of the situation. We aren't able to understand and relate to the feelings of the poet. Why did they leave? What happened? Who are they, are automatically questions that brim up to the reader's mind. Of course, poetry is not like writing fiction, where every little detail must be explained in depth. Rather poetry is shining a light on a certain moment, a single idea and expanding it, and exploring. But that single idea has to be a whole on it's own. Here, you have snippets of different feelings towards 'they', not one constant idea that you can emphasize on. For now, I think what you need to do is connect your poem to the incident that you talked of in the beginning. Don't trail away, keep on track. Stay focused. If you must explain the other feelings as well do so, but without loosing your focus. Maybe try ending the poem in a different way, by connecting it again in some way to the first stanza.

What you successfully managed to do, which is not usually an easy thing to do is to keep the mood constant, to really bring out the anger and contempt through your words. Kudos for that. : )

Don't get discouraged by my essay up there ^. I see a lot of potential in this poem, and I'm just trying to help. I really do like this poem very much. From this poem, I see that if you continue reading and writing poetry, you will become an exceptional poet. Best of luck with your poetry!

-Zehra

Dear Parental Figures,

[s]And[/s] why do I cry,

This doesn't need "and" because there's no other idea before it.

Every time I try *and picture[s]s[/s] your faces?

It would be better as "Every time I try to picture your faces"

For you left me,

Remove "for" it doesn't really work here.

Cast me aside,

Either add "and" or "you" to the beginning.

And abandoned all hope.

They didn't abandon hope, really. They abandoned the narrator. So might just say:
"And abandoned me" or "shoved me aside"

NOTHING.

Caps doesn't emphasize this, Dear. Just keep it "Nothing." it has more power.

Nothing Is what I mean to you;

*is is not capitalized.

Nothing are the memories of us.

This doesn't really make sense. Perhaps changing it to "Nothing left of old memories" or reword.

No anything.

*Not

Stil don’t;[/quote[
*Still

No face,
Nor the love.

I think you mean "No love". "Nor the love" makes no sense here. Grammar error.
-------------

This was a really interesting poem, Silver. However you need to be straight to the point with your writing. It's a little long-winded. Also, you need to work on more imagery rather than just ranting.

-Shina

Ok. All I can say is to read some poetry!
This might be useful to you

http://www.poemhunter.com/robert-frost/

http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry ... ntents.htm

http://audensociety.org/poems.html

Hope I was of some use to you!

First of, THE NASTY NITPICKINGS those with weak constitutions should leave the arena.

Every time I try and pictures your faces?

Picture not pictures.

Stil don’t;

Two 'l's count 'em TWO

We shared nothing in common.
Still don’t;
No face,
Nor the love.

'nor' doesn't fit grammatically with that sentence. Sometimes that's ok, but here it doesn't even fit in with the "flow" of the poem. 'no' doesn't really either.

Because,
I’m nothing to you.
Never was.
Never am.

Grammatically, 'never am' is bad bad bad. Poetically, It can be good... as long as you keep bad grammar consistent throughout the piece. And, as I said above, it must flow with the poem.

And I’ll hold it you,
For you to keep being…
Forever and endlessly,
Nothing to me.

'for you to keep being' doesn't jive with 'and I'll hold it you' ( which, by the way, should be I'll hold it to you.) Change it.

Ok, now the hard part's over. After you change the above, you've got your hands on a very powerful poem. This is the type of thing that takes some serious balance to write.
Good job.

Okay! Sorry about the long reply, but here I am.

To all, thank you for all your critiques and spell checks, I cannot believe that I did so many things wrong! However, I really appreciate you guys catching them! Everything little bit helps.

angels-symphony, I really, really appreciate that you took the time to review and catch all my mistakes individually. I'm going to look over the poem and keep in definite mind what you said.

Jemima, you too: thanks for the links, I'll look at them too!

FLyerS, also, I loved that you took apart my poem and showed me the exact spots where I went wrong... which, unfortunately, there were a lot of spots! I haven't had experience with poems and their flow, so I'll check that out, and read some actual poems.

Again, thanks to everyone who posted and reviewed; every comment helps, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my work!

Thanks so much,
-Silv