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Time and Again



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Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:03 am
Ermixon says...



TIME AND AGAIN
By E.R. Mixon

The Professor ran around the dark basement laboratory in a frenzy of zeal, taking readings from meters and gauges and jotting them down in his notebook. He rushed over to a rusty folding table with control panels and switchboards piled one on top of the other, after taking a second look at his notebook he begin to turn knobs and press buttons. After each change he made to his equipment he would pause for a moment and look to the left of the room where a cylindrical apparatus with a small iron ball on the interior being levitated by magnetism and a copper wire coiled around the outer portion like a constrictor snake. There was an identical device on the opposite side of the room which he then glanced at as he continued to flip switches, turn dials and press buttons.
Both devices exchanged violent sparks of electricity as blue bolts of energy shot from one machine to the other, as he watched this spectacle of power Professor Chrono’s eyes lit up in excitement and a maniacal grin came to his face followed by maniacal laughter. “Heisenberg was a fool I wish he were alive for me to shove his bullshit theory up his arrogant asshole! Soon they all will see the power of my teleportation device and when they do…”, he halted himself mid-rant as he turned a couple of knobs taking special care to make sure they were at the right setting. He looked back at his machine which was now aglow with a radiant and beautiful crimson aura which filled the room with its brilliant light, the Professor’s hair began to stand on end as the room filled with energy and on his face was a sort of mad expression of total anticipation.
“Power, the truest and most wonderful sort of power and I alone have harnessed it, I and I alone shall control and manipulate it and I will prove to those condescending physicists that engineering is the only true path to scientific and technological advancements! Why ask a question to answer a question it is utter nonsense yet they base their so called theories on worlds created entirely in their own brains and they dare criticize me for not accepting them”, he rants as he flips more switches. “Ha! I would rather go against every law and principle created by such men and stand in defiance with my technology and through trial and error prove them all to be wrong! ”, the professor continued as he turned up the power on his machine. The glow grew stronger and more powerful and bolts of electricity flew between the two machines. Caught up in the excitement of it all he barely noticed a computer screen on the other side of the room, which was graphing the data being fed into it and determining the safety levels of the experiment, currently the word “Danger” was flashing in bright red letters. Noticing it at the last minute the professor frantically shut off the power to the experiment and sighed in disappointment as he checked his machine for hardware damage. As the sounds of science which had filled the room quieted down he heard a knocking at the door, the professor flipped a switch to unlock it and a radiant woman seemed to illuminate the lab with her shining beauty as she stepped in. Her vibrant golden hair flowed down her shoulders like honey and her blue eyes gleamed like sapphires, her teeth like pearls were pure and white and her supple lips were red like rubies. She wore a very distinct white dress which clung to a body hot and sweaty from cooking revealing her womanly curves and athletic beauty to a husband who had for the past three hours forgotten about the world outside of his lab and the simple pleasures it offers. Jem, the professor’s wife was his one and only treasure her beauty exceeding that of any woman he had known and her intellect, though she was a lay woman was almost a mach for his own. “Come diner is ready, you will enjoy it”, she said simply and softly with a subtle bit of force behind her words. Professor Chrono’s wife had a way of putting him under her thrall and as she turned to leave he found himself following her even though he wanted to run experiments all night.

He could never tell his wife how truly terrible her cooking was, always she seemed to be running her own experiments in the kitchen and always with the same disastrous results.
He smiled as he tried to stomach eating what he could only imagine was meatloaf. Jem in the Professor’s eyes was otherwise perfect and he tried desperately to overlook this one glaring flaw, it really wasn’t her fault he knew that. But perhaps if his mother hadn’t been a professional chef he would find his wife’s cooking tolerable. She looked at him with inquisitive eyes as he forced the meal down his throat, he could tell she wanted to know what his experiment was. “Anything interesting happen in the lab today?” She asked curious about the nature of her husband’s work. The Professor was glad to answer if for no other reason than that it would give him a break from eating this awful meal.
Enthusiastically setting down his fork the professor looked at his wife and began to explain, “Though I was unable to achieve the desired effect of my experiment, I came very close today, I was able to produce a radiant aura that was like nothing I’ve ever seen before, I believe that I am coming very near to a significant breakthrough!”
“My that is exiting,” Jem said to her husband while wearing a mildly amused grin. “But you still have not told me, your best student, what exactly your experiment is.”
The Professor rested his chin on his fist and nervously beat the table with his fingers, he looked down at his plate of food then back up to his wife and her inquisitive stare. “Well you know that I would like to share my work with you... It’s just that if word got out about the type of research that I’m doing id be laughed out of my position at the university”, he tried to explain to his wife whose expression had changed quickly from being that of a curios student to being that of a furious wife. “So you don’t trust me is that what you’re saying?” She asked with a hostile tone of voice as she crossed her arms and stared him in the eyes. “I am your wife George keeping secrets from me can be hazardous to your health.” The daggers in her icy gaze stabbed at her husband’s heart and he was overcome by dread, George knew then that he was no match for the power that the beautiful and terrible woman that he loved most dearly wielded in a single glance. He surrendered to her will and told her everything.
“Very well it seems I have no choice but to tell you, my work involves matter teleportation. I believe it can be accomplished through a trial and error experimentation process.” Jem’s demeanor quickly shifted again back to that of a gentle and delicate woman fascinated by the world of science. “Such a fascinating experiment George, when you succeed the shipping industry will change overnight. Imagine if it proved safe for human use.” she said as her eyes lit up with wonderful ideas of futuristic teleporters on every street corner all over the globe capable of sending a person from time square to tieneman square in the blink of an eye. Then she noticed that George was letting his dinner get cold. “Look t me chattering on while the food gets cold, why you’ve barely had a chance to eat your meatloaf.” George looked down at his plate and he was overcome by a new kind of dread.

The following morning the professor was roused by a sudden need to use the toilet and after a rather unpleasant visit to the bathroom he decided to start early in his laboratory.
The peaceful silence of the morning was broken by the load and numerous noises made by his machinery as it powered up. The Professor threw on his lab coat and pulled his small notebook out of the pocket. He glanced over the pages reviewing the settings he had for his previous experiment. He then walked over to the folding table that had all of his controls on it and made sure that everything was set precisely as it was during the previous experiment. “It all seems in order”, he said. “No more mistakes though this time I will make sure to keep a constant eye on the power levels”

The professor flipped a green switch on a red panel and the experiment began.
The cylindrical apparatus began to hum and the steel ball inside was levitated by the electro magnet. The Professor smiled as sparks already began to fly on the inside of the cylinder and even in these first minutes of the experiment a very faint red aura appeared around the steel ball. Slowly the professor increased the power levels and the aura grew brighter and the first bolt of electricity shot from one cylinder to the other at the opposite end of the room. George’s smile grew to a toothy grin as he looked over to the computer readout which showed stable power levels. “Perfect, all things are as they should be, I can already feel the Nobel Prize in my hands, soon I will be a legend and people all over the world will know the name Professor George T. Chrono!” The professor’s zealous monologue began as the cylinders exchanged more violent bolts of electrical power.
The crimson aura grew brighter as the interior of the apparatus threw sparks like a fire cracker. Professor Chrono, entranced by the workings of his machine, by the power it exhibited and by the effects it produced was driven to a state of pure elation and a sense of total self worth feeling as though he were god after creating the earth. “It’s so close that I can already see the newspaper headlines praising me as the planet’s most brilliant scientist!”

The professor was jarred out of his temporary madness by a loud knocking at his laboratory door. Grumbling, he turned off the power to his experiment and flipped the green switch that unlocked the door. His wife opened the door and was met with a degree of annoyed hostility. “What do you want woman? Can’t you see I’m busy?” The Professor snapped at her. She gave him that same cold stare from the night before and he froze motionless for a moment fearing that she would unleash some terrible wrath upon him.
“What a rude way to speak to your wife who only wanted to say goodbye before going to work.” she said to him with a cold and spiteful voice.
George shrank back for a moment then collected himself and tried to apologize, “Dear I really am sorry for being rude but I am coming very close to a breakthrough and haven’t time for distraction.”
His apology only seemed to make her angrier and she slammed the door and marched off without speaking another word to him.
The professor sighed and locked the door then powered his experiment up and again watched with anticipation.

Once again the lab was bathed in a bright crimson light and once again electricity filled the air. The expression on Professor Chrono’s face was a reflection of the thoughts of wealth, fame, power and respect that flooded through his mind as the success of his experiment seemed impending. “Now, now I harness it, that power which is like no other, the power which will change civilization as we know it and cement my place in history as a god of science!”, he ranted as he slowly turned a dial and flipped several switches making the crimson light so bright that it forced him to shield his eyes even though he was wearing protective goggles.

When he regained his vision and the spots faded from his eyes the Professor realized that the iron ball had vanished from the cylinder, thinking that his experiment was a success he turned to its twin only to find that cylinder empty as well. “Impossible”, he said as he got closer to examine both cylinders. From his scrutiny he discovered that the ball was indeed gone and had not melted or somehow become invisible. “Impossible”, he repeated as he walked back to his instruments and jotted the settings down in his notebook. He then began to reset some of the dials in an attempt to force the experiment to completion.
A number o violent lightning bolts shot between the two cylinders as he continued to up the power. More and more bolts shot from one machine into the other but nothing appeared in the other or in the one. Eventually he upped the power to the point where the computer screen flashed the danger warning again but this time he ignored it in his relentless attempt to achieve success in his endeavor.

Suddenly there came a loud booming sound and the ground shook knocking the professor off of his feet. “I may have over done it”, he said as he stumbled to his feet and turned off the power of his machine. However after checking his hardware for problems he could only conclude that whatever had happened was unrelated to his laboratory. Professor Chrono decided that an unknown outside element could prove dangerous and so postponed continuation of the experiment and went up into the house to find out what was happening.

After grabbing a beer from the fridge the professor tossed his coat on the couch and turned on the television. “The news should tell me what exactly caused that tremor, I however have already deduced that it must have been an explosion of some sort.” he said as he sat down. On the news he saw an aerial view of a flaming building with smoke rising into the air obscuring its details as the helicopter flew overhead. Scrolling across the bottom of the screen was a line of text which read: EXPLOSION AT BANK!
Nervously the professor set down his beer with a trembling hand, looking at his television he slowly came to recognize the bank as being the one his wife worked at. Overcome with a kind of dread he stood with a sort of jerking motion and mechanically walked to the door. “This can’t be happening!” He screamed inside of his head, he wanted to stop time and go back to when he knew his wife was safe, but now her fate was uncertain and he had to know if she was alive.

He couldn’t see the bank when he arrived, the whole street was bathing in hazy smoke that made it barely possible to recognize the shapes in front of him as cars. As the Professor stepped out of his vehicle the haze swirled around him pulling him into its dark world. His eyes burned and he couldn’t really breath, coughing every few steps he took but the Professor managed to stumble into the Bank’s parking lot. As he entered the Parking lot he saw a couple of ambulances and a fire truck next to which dozens of ash covered people huddled. Professor Chrono advanced towards them through the thickening smoke desperately calling his wife’s name, “Jem are you here? Jem where are you? Jem answer me please!” As he pushed his way into the crowd of survivors he continued to call his wife’s name receiving no reply but the roar of the continuously burning fire.
Eventually he spotted one of his wife’s friends, a portly African American woman in a slightly singed red dress. He grabbed her by the shoulders and swung her around. “Maxine have you seen my wife? Is she alive did she make it out?”, he asked her anxiously. She looked at the Professor hardly recognizing him at first, her face told of her shock and confusion. “They blew up the bank.. They blew it up!”, She screamed hysterically as tears poured down her face. The professor shook her by the shoulders, “Damn it woman tell me what happened to Jem!” She looked at him with tearful eyes, “I don’t know what happened.. Only us here got out... everyone else was trapped inside the building!” This was the one answer that Professor Chrono could not handle, hearing it was like having ha dagger stabbed in his heart. He turned to the blazing inferno knowing that his wife was still inside and he screamed in anguish, “Jem don’t leave me I won’t let you die!” As he ran madly towards the building intent on rescuing his wife he was tackled by firemen and dragged away. As he struggled and fought them they told him, “She’s dead you can’t save her!” But hearing this only made him fight them harder. “I won’t believe it she can’t be dead I’ll save her, I will save my precious Jem!” he screamed as paramedics injected him with a sedative.

George sat in the darkness of his dining room with his hands clasped in front of his face. It was always at this time that Jem would call him up from his lab and serve him dinner but tonight there would be no diner for tonight there was no wife to cook it. He closed his eyes trying to shut out reality and in his mind return to a happier time but every time he was pulled from his meditation by the mocking sounds of life continuing around him. The sound of cars driving by his window, each whoosh represented a person who time had granted happiness. The crows that perched on his roof cawing, each caw to his ears sounded very much like a mocking laugh. But the most mocking sound of all, the one that drove the professor mad with irritation was the contemptuous and never stopping ticking of his clock. Each tick reminding him that time only moves in one direction, each tick telling him that Jem exists only in the past and can never return to him. The Professor could no longer tolerate the constant ticking and abruptly stood from his seat and turned to the grandfather clock in the living room. He grabbed the thing with both hands and toppled it over. “I will never be a slave to time again!” he screamed as it came crashing down. Before that night was over Professor Chrono would rid himself of every clock in his home.
For the first time since his wife’s death the professor went down into his lab hoping to distract himself with science. But as he walked down the steps he realized that for the first time in his life the prospect of science did not excite him in the least. Nevertheless he needed to occupy himself some way. When he turned on the lights to his lab he didn’t notice anything right away, everything seemed normal and as it was the last time except... He then realized what was different, the steel ball from his experiment had returned to its original cylinder apparatus. “It’s not possible.” the Professor said as he moved in for a closer look. He examined the ball in every way he could imagine and reached the only logical conclusion. “Time Travel is possible! This ball proves it, without even realizing I sent it from the past to the future. It is then reasonable to assume that I can reverse the process sending the ball into the past.” He hypothesized.

In the following days the Professor preformed test after test, he would each time remove the ball from the cylinder, set the controls, wait then place it back and activate the machine. This was to see if he could send the ball into the past and though he would get the results of the experiment before activating the machine he had to perform it anyway to make sure it would work. He was now on his eighty eighth try, he set the controls after removing the ball then suddenly there was a bright flash of blue light in the cylinder and a second iron ball was inside. “It works, truly it works! Not only will I become famous among my peers but soon, very soon I can bring my precious Jem back to me.” the professor said as he switched the balls sending the original sixty seconds into the past.

Two days of testing and research passed by since Professor Chrono had unlocked the secret to traveling to the past. He had since determined that he could send living animals through his machine without bringing harm to them. He also had worked out how to set the machine for a specific date and time. Since then, he had been toiling for hours in his lab trying to invent a portable version of his time machine large enough to be used by a human. When finished the time machine was attached to a blue vest. It had a large battery in the back and a number of control panels in the front and there were countless wires snaking in and out of the fabric. Most of the actual hardware required for time travel was sewn inside of the vest with the exceptions of the larger components which were attached to the back next to the battery.

The professor stood in his lab wearing his now complete time vest, he was fiddling with the controls and checking them against the calculations made in his notebook. He picked up a pistol from his desk and placed it in the pocket of the overcoat he was in the process of putting on. “I despise weapons of any kind but if all things go as planned this gun will be crucial.” the professor reminded himself. Now having everything that he needed he threw the activation switch on his time vest. As the machine began to spark violently he started to wonder if what he had built might be more dangerous than the prototype, he then saw a strange sort of blue aura forming around himself as his lab began to twist and bend in space and certain objects seemed to become transparent.
The aura surrounding him then erupted into a pillar of flames with the professor trapped inside. Professor Chrono screamed from the excruciating pain he was experiencing, but it was not the pain of burning flesh, rather it was a pain deep within him as though his soul were being burned in hellfire. He fell to his knees sobbing and as the flames slowly receded he found himself still in his lab. But he noticed that on his desk there was a clock, the time was 6:00AM.

after having snuck out of his house as quietly as possible Professor Chrono walked about half a mile to an intersection that his wife would pass every day as she went to work. He had picked this spot because of the fact that it was situated at the top of a hill, looking down he would be able to see Jem’s car several blocks before it reached the traffic light. Arriving there at about 7:00AM the Professor had just barely enough time to rig the traffic light to change on his command. He waited on the corner and rested his arm on a mailbox, nervously tapping it as time passed. In the distance, he saw his wife’s station wagon approaching, after activating the mechanism to change the traffic light to yellow. He then put on a ski mask and took his gun out of his coat pocket. As his wife slowed at the yellow light George stepped into the street waving his gun at her car and yelling threatening things at her. “Get out of the fucking car bitch!” the professor shouted as he pointed the gun at his wife’s window. “Oh my god don’t kill me!”, she screamed as she swung the car door open and literally jumped from the vehicle. The professor being a man of science could not help but to wonder how a woman could run as fast as she did while wearing stiletto heels. “That was easy enough,” he thought as he got into the car. “Now comes the hard part for I must still prevent the explosion at the bank so that the other victims will survive.” the professor said as he began to drive.

Professor Chrono arrived at the bank fifteen minutes later; he parked the car at the curb not quite sure what he should do to prevent the explosion. “I know that it wasn’t a natural gas explosion already, before I activated my machine I was told by the fire chief that this was an act of terrorism. The question now becoming who here is a terrorist.” he spoke to himself as he looked at the people passing his car and going into the bank all of them being potential suspects. One man in particular caught his interest, he was brown skinned and wore an overcoat and a backpack. The Professor’s first impression was that this man was dressed similarly to himself. Thinking harder, he realized that the only reason he himself was dressed in such a manor was to conceal both a large electrical devise and to hide his firearm. “What if this man is also hiding something?” the professor thought as he stepped out of his car. The suspicious man was making his way up the parking lot and Professor Chrono had to sprint to catch up to him. He grabbed the man’s backpack and unzipped it revealing a buddle of wires. “What is all of this stuff in your backpack sir, care to explain?” the professor asked as he pulled at the strange man’s shoulder. The creepy guy turned to the Professor and stared at him with dark eyes full of pain and rage. He violently pushed Chrono back and said with the conviction of a fanatic, “American infidel you will not stop me from doing Allah’s work!”
The terrorist ran towards the bank and Professor Chrono found himself pulling out his gun. “Burn in hell!” he shouted as he pulled the trigger sending a bullet into the terrorist’s backpack. A massive and blazing explosion rocked the parking lot blasting thousands of flaming chunks of terrorist in every direction.

Professor Chrono returned home tired from his ordeal he just wanted to go upstairs and take a nap. He was woken up by the sound of his wife coming home. “I’m home honey and you won’t believe what happened to me on the way to work”, she said as she slammed the door behind her. “Alright tell me what happened.” said another voice coming from the same room. Upon hearing it the professor sprung from the bed. “I was carjacked by some psychopath!” said the wife again. “Oh my god are you all right Jem?” the man’s voice replied. As he snuck into the hall, the professor wondered what was going on and why another man was in his house. As he approached the staircase he peeked over the balcony and into the living room and was dealt the shock of his life. He saw his wife talking hugging and kissing another version of himself. Professor Chrono shrank back into the hall and out of sight. “I have made a grave miscalculation,” he said to himself aloud.
The Professor realized as he thought the situation out that by saving his wife he created a reality where he would never build the time machine and never travel into the past.
“I must remedy this situation, two of us can not be allowed to exist in one time.” He thought as he took a golf club out of the hall closet.
Carefully avoiding his counterpart the Professor maneuvered his way through the house until he came upon his lab. Once inside he positioned himself behind the staircase and with the golf club in hand he waited. After about twenty minutes, he heard the laboratory door open and footsteps coming down the staircase. “A fine day for science.” Said the voice of the professor’s counterpart, completely oblivious to the fact that another version of himself was waiting at the bottom of the steps with a risen golf club.
As the other Professor Chrono stepped into the dim light of his lab he was bludgeoned over the head with a golf club and fell to the ground unconscious.

II
“I could have killed you,” said a familiar sounding voice to the professor. His head hurt and he found himself sitting in a chair, slowly he opened his eyes and they focused in on the face in front of him. At first he thought that he was staring into a mirror but as he gathered his senses he realized that it was an actual person standing in front of him and holding his nine iron. “Who are you? What are you?” The professor asked his double.
The double crouched down to the Professor’s eye level. “I’m you,” he said quite simply and stood upright again. It was around this point that Professor Chrono realized that his arms and legs were tied to the chair and that a strange vest with many wires and knobs had been placed on his person. “Why am I tied up and what is this contraption that you’ve attached to me?” The professor asked hoping for an answer.
There was silence for a moment and then his double turned to him, “I am a time traveler a version of you from a now defunct future. I changed the past by saving our wife and was rewarded by having no place in the present. You are in my way and so I plan to rid myself of your complication.” The professor looked at his doppelganger with fear in his eyes as he understood that this man who had tied him up was clearly insane and planning to steal his life. “Then is it that you mean to kill me?” The professor’s voice trembled as he asked the question. The double grinned wickedly at himself as though he had a naughty secret he was about to tell. “I mentioned before that I could have killed you, the reason I didn’t is a simple one. To set such a standard would invite future versions of myself to murder me. I think there is a way that we can both come out of this happy,” the Other Professor Chrono said as he put the golf club down propping it against the cylinder apparatus. The Professor nervously fidgeted in his seat as his other self came closer and began to turn knobs on the vest’s control panel. The Professor’s double got into his face staring him in the eyes as he began to explain his plan. “I will send you into the past and out of my life,” he said as he turned a knob on the vest. “When you are in the past you will have three simple tasks, first you must stop Jem from arriving at work where she would die in an explosion, secondly you must disable my past self before I become a problem and thirdly you must not prevent the explosion so that the past version of you will have time to become me.” During the following five minutes the Professor listened to his other self explain every detail of his plan and when it was over the other Professor Chrono picked up the golf club and handed it to him then flipped the switch on the vest which activated the final sequence. A thin blue aura began to emanate from the vest as it spread around the Professor’s body it grew brighter and as it grew brighter it began to burn. The aura surrounding his body danced like a flame and as it did he felt the strange internal burning intensify. The Professor’s body erupted into an inferno of blue flames that blazed all around him, the pain became so intense and so horrible that the agony became the only thing he could perceive as being real. As he burned he screamed louder and louder as the intensity of the pain increased until finally the fire died and he fell to the floor free of his binding and with a golf club in his hand. As he staggered to his feet he glanced over at his clock, it was 5:30AM.
Before leaving the house he went into the garage and picked up some rope then he grabbed a Swiss army knife out of a drawer and set out to meet his other self.


As the Professor approached the intersection he saw himself in the distance standing next to a mailbox and tapping the top with his fingers nervously. As he got closer he noticed an alley not far from where his other self was standing. Figuring that an ambush would be preferable to a direct conflict the Professor snuck around a few buildings until he saw the back entrance to the alley. Slowly and as quietly as he could he walked through the alley. Peering from behind the wall Professor Chrono could see his doppelganger, it seemed the perfect time for an ambush because his double was distracted by putting on a ski mask as he fished around in his coat pocket for something. Taken aback by the gun his double pulled out of his coat the Professor decided that immediate action was necessary. Slowly he snuck up behind his double and when he was close enough he raised his golf club and whacked his double in the back of the head. He staggered mumbling non coherently then fell over onto the concrete, out cold.

The Professor uncoiled some of his rope and cut off two portions, he used the first to tie his double’s legs and the second to tie his hands. After that he pulled the mask off of his double and placed it onto himself. The professor then grabbed hold of him and started pulling by the legs dragging his double into the alley.
After he had his double tucked away neatly the professor was caught off guard when he saw his wife’s car slowing as it neared the yellow light. He dashed out of the alley, stopping only for s second to pick up the gun his counterpart had dropped after which he jumped into the street only feet from being run over, his wife stopped barely in time not to kill him. Still Professor Chrono bounced off of the hood falling on the hard pavement.
Jem jumped out of the car hysterically waving her hands in the air. “Oh my god I hit somebody!” she screamed as she ran over to the injured pedestrian only to be met with a pistol pointed at her head. “Freeze woman and do exactly as I say,” he told her as he staggered to his feet. “Get in the passenger seat and don’t move,” he said gesturing to his left with the gun. Once she was sitting in the passenger seat he uncoiled some rope and tied her up. The Professor reached over his frightened wife and pressed the button to pop the trunk then he turned around and walked back to the alley. He hoisted himself over his own shoulders and then walked over to the trunk and dropped his other self in after which Professor Chrono closed the trunk trapping his double inside.
Jem caught a glimpse of the man’s face as he was being loaded into the trunk and recognized him as being her husband. “That’s my husband! What have you done to him you monster!” Jem screamed in a hysterical tone.

Professor Chrono then walked around the side of the car, opened the door and sat down in the driver’s seat. The Professor looked over at his wife and pulled off the mask revealing himself to her. “Guess what honey, you and I are going on a little trip.”
She was speechless, the shocked and confused look on her face reflected her feelings exactly. “No! No I saw him it was you but... I don’t understand” she stammered more confused then ever.

As the professor drove he explained to his wife about the person in the trunk as best he could. She only seemed to become more confused then ever as he explained to her about his experiences with time travel and the attempted prevention of a paradox.
“But if there is going to be an explosion at the bank why haven’t you stopped it?” she asked trying to make sense of the situation. “Don’t you think I want to?” he said with a kind of pain in his voice. “I can’t save those people Jem.. If I did then that other me, the one you left at home working in his lab will never build a time machine and the two of us would be forced into a dangerous confrontation. ” He explained but really he didn’t expect her to understand a concept that was confusing for him.
“But what about the other you, the one in the trunk what will happen to him?” Jem asked
Not sure that she wanted to know the answer. “I will send him into the past and out of our lives.”
III
Professor Chrono woke up surrounded by darkness, his head aching and his limbs bound.
He felt himself moving and after a moment realized that he was trapped in the trunk of a car. “Help me!” he screamed but no one answered. “Don’t leave me in here I have claustrophobia I need to get out!” he waited but again, no answer. The darkness and tightness of the trunk closing in on him bringing back bad memories of a childhood experience of being trapped in a suitcase for six hours. He breathed heavily as he tried his best not to freak out, but the fact that he was again trapped in a cramped space made him feel extremely anxious. He struggled with the rope binding his hands together but freeing himself was easier said than done. “If only I could free my hands I could use the time machine,” he thought as he continued to struggle but the knots where tied extremely well and after a few more minutes of struggling all he had accomplished was giving himself rope burn. During all of this he kept screaming for help and his cries became more desperate with each passing minute. He yelled until his voice became hoarse and as his desperation grew his cries for help became frustrated screams of hate and vengeance directed toward his abductor. “ Damn you to hell I will make you suffer for what you have done to me!” he screeched as he threw himself around the interior of the trunk.
“I will kill you, I will make you bleed for your crimes!” he continued as he tried to kick at the lock. His attempts to free himself met with failure each time and he exhausted himself in the struggle and fell back gasping for air. “Revenge... I will somehow avenge myself on you.” he panted as he tried to catch his breath.

Professor Chrono felt the car come to a stop, after a few minutes he heard the voices of a man and of a woman. “He was screaming like a lunatic the whole time I think he could be dangerous, go inside incase he’s violent.” The man’s voice said however, the woman seemed somehow reluctant to comply. “I don’t believe he could ever hurt me… but if it makes things easier I’ll do as you say.” The Professor heard her walking away. He still struggled with his restraints trying to free his hands before he came face to face with his abductor however as the trunk popped open revealing a mysterious figure standing in the shadows. “Show yourself you coward!” he screamed.
The man stepped into the light of the street lamp revealing himself to be Professor George Chrono. The captive Professor’s eyes grew wide and then narrowed into a squinting glare. “So you are my time double then, a miserable rejected wretch from some defective time line come to steal away my dreams,” said the Professor, his voice full of contempt. His double approached him and grabbed him by the shirt, pulled him up out of the trunk and threw him on the hard cold pavement. The Professor pulled up his head, the fall had left his face bleeding from landing on a sharp rock. “Damn you! Who do you think you are to treat me like filth? All I ever wanted was to save Jem’s life I’ve done nothing to you!” he furiously screamed at his double. The other Professor Chrono crouched down and pulled him to his feet by the shoulders. “I didn’t mean to be that rough or to seem cruel,” he said to the Professor trying to reassure him. “Jem is alive and well and she and I will be together.” As he heard this a flush of relief came over captive Professor’s eyes followed immediately by scornful fury. “You and she... You and she!” he screamed. “Devil, filthy usurping spawn of hell! She is mine and I will not see you come in and steal her from me!” The Professor continued to scream and rant at his counterpart as he was dragged into a filthy, roach ridden, mildew stained motel room and thrown onto the bed. The Professor’s double asked Jem to leave the room so that he could be alone with himself. Once alone he removed a gun from his coat pocket and walked to the side of the bed. “I was removed from my timeline by a future version of you who wanted me out of the way, I now want you out of the way.” he said as he now brought the gun closer to the Professor. “If you mean to kill me then do it!” The Professor shouted as he felt the cold steel slip past his torso and into his own coat pocket. “Why did you not kill me?” he asked himself. “I could never bring myself to it, instead I will do to you what was done to me and you will do the same to the next.” The Double smiled at his captive as he set the controls to the time machine. The captive Professor Chrono was not smiling in fact he was angrier than when he was dragged into the room. He looked at his other self with utter disgust.
“Your solution to the problem is a problem in and of itself. It creates an atmosphere of conflict and continually produces more time doubles for each trip. Eventually things will get out of control and there will be too many then what happens? ” The Professor’s double stopped smiling and shot a troubled look in his direction. “I don’t like were your going with this, my way at least no one gets hurt.” he said as he backed away.
“You still don’t understand do you? I’m talking about something bigger than personal happiness I’m talking about the possibility of a massive unending time war! ”
The Professor’s double stood to his feet and pointed his finger at his captive. “What would your solution be then?” he asked already knowing the answer.
Coldly and darkly the Professor smiled at his captor, it was a smile as deadly as poison.
“There is only one solution, all of the others must be eradicated because only one of us can be allowed to live!” he said with fanatical conviction.
His double grabbed him by the arm and tried to force his hand back into the Professor’s coat pocket only to be pushed away. “I didn’t give you that gun for murder hand it over!” he yelled as he continued to paw at the Professor’s coat. The professor kicked him away and rolled off of the bed. “You are too late fool, in your struggles you have only cemented my success. The button has been pressed, soon I shall be the only one!” he raved as he fell to the floor and burst into blue flames. As the flames burned around him the Professor laughed through the pain and soon all that was left was the pain and the laughter as the world burned away.

A man laid in bed with his girlfriend, they had just finished having sex and where getting ready for round two when the room was suddenly filled with laughter and a blue column of flame shot up beside the bed. The professor lay on the floor still laughing as the burning flames and the searing pain that came with them faded away. “What the hell do you think you’re doing,” the burly naked man demanded an explanation as he jumped out of bed and grabbed the professor by the neck. The professor opened his eyes, they seemed psychotic as he stared at his assailant. “I am not in the mood,” he said as he pulled the gun out of his coat and shot the nude hulk dead. The woman in the bed screamed and the Professor stood up, noticing her for the first time. “I don’t want to kill you but I can’t leave witnesses lying around,” he said as he pointed the gun at her and slowly pulled the trigger to silence her screaming forever. He looked at his pistol afterwards and thought, “Such a small gun is for small prey I need something bigger.”
Then he saw the watch on the dead man’s wrist, it was 5:00 AM

After cleaning himself up the Professor left the motel and observed the traffic on the freeway, across the raging river of cars he saw a small shop that’s sign had four big letters, GUNS.
At the side of the freeway a great plum of blue fire shot up and Professor Chrono stepped out of it while holding a note book in front of his face. Without any hesitation he stepped out into the freeway not looking at anything but his notes.
He stopped abruptly and a car whizzed past him, he didn’t look up after it had gone by he just kept walking and stopped again before switching to the right lane of traffic, as he did three cars shot past and continued never letting his eyes leave the notebook.

Professor Chrono browsed the large selection of weapons at the gun shop, there were guns of every shape and size legal in the U.S. and a few that weren’t. Eventually he chose a large semi automatic rifle that came with a free scope.
After purchasing the gun he attached the scope and stood at the side of the freeway again.
To be precise he was standing on a hill that overlooked the freeway and as he looked at the passing vehicles through the scope of his riffle he finally saw what he wanted to.
A motorcycle came speeding down the freeway, its rider was young and had long hair, he wanted to live fast and die young and got his wish as a bullet tore through his torso. The young rider slumped forward and the motorcycle leaned to the side and fell and skidded for a few yards until it finally hit a tree at the roadside.
Professor Chrono calmly walked down from the hill and over to the motorcycle.
He kicked the corpse to the side and lifted the motorcycle to its upright position.
He got on and rode saying only, “This gun is exactly what I will need”.

The Professor dismounted his new bike about a block from the intersection where he was headed. When he arrived there the first thing he saw was the past version of himself standing next to the mailbox. He was disgusted to think that he could have ever been so weak as to be ambushed and taken prisoner. He aimed his riffle at his former self’s head thinking only that he would be lucky to die this way rather than suffer that humiliation.
Without hesitating he pulled the trigger and watched the brains splatter out of his own skull. Professor Chrono fell to the ground dead not even knowing what hit him. From the alley the professor heard a cry of horror, “Sweet merciful heaven!” The Professor switched his gun from sniping mode to semi automatic and began to spray bullets in the direction of the alley as he marched forward. “Mercy is for the weak, there shall be none of that today!” He shouted violently as he shot at the alley. His other self had already began to retreat into the depths of the small street, bullets whizzing past him and hitting the walls the whole time. Both of them had forgotten the original reason they were waiting in that place and a car slowed at the yellow light getting in the professor’s line of fire. Before he could stop it was already too late he had killed the driver and the car crashed into a light post. It was Jem, he had killed his own wife and as he realized this he lowered the gun for a moment. The other him that was hiding in the alley came staggering out crippled by the pain, he hadn’t been shot but the grief was overwhelming. His wife was dead and worst more killed by the hand of some dark alter ego of himself. “Damn you she’s dead!” he screamed at himself in outrage. The Professor raised the gun again to this other self who had challenged him. “So what if she’s dead I can just nab myself another one from some other time, but first I’ll kill you!” he shouted as he pulled the trigger but just as he did his other self burst into blue flames. He shot bullets at him but they passed through hitting the wall behind him as though he weren’t even there.
IV
Jem’s car slowed at the yellow light just as the Professor’s dark alter ego marched on the alley spraying bullets with his semi automatic rifle. Just as she was about to pass into the line of fire there was a bright blue plum of flames, out of which ran her husband who jumped in front of the bullets catching them all himself then falling to the ground dead.
Jem screamed and stopped the car as she realized that it was her husband who was just gunned down. “Oh my god George what have they done to you!” she screamed hysterically but as she began to open the door to go to her dead husband’s side she heard a banging on the passenger side. When she looked over it was George, she looked back to the left but the corpse was still lying where it was. “Jem let me in for god’s sake he’ll kill me too!” he demanded as he banged on the window. As soon as Jem unlocked the door the Professor swung it open full force and jumped in. “Drive now woman before he starts shooting again!” he yelled. She pressed the accelerator down with her stiletto shoes as hard as she could and the car flew down the street at speeds twice as fast as the speed limit. “What’s happening George who was shooting at you and why did that other man look just like you?” she asked as she turned onto the freeway.
As they drove, George tried to explain as best that he could the situation he was in involving time travel. “As to the identities of either of those men, I can only say that they must have both been versions of myself,” explained the professor. “The one who was shooting at us must have undergone some psychological trauma during time travel resulting in a kind of totally homicidal logic, I think this could best be described as a sort of temporal psychosis.” He told her as they pulled into the parking lot of a cheap motel. There was an ambulance leaving the scene with a few police cars. “Why did you want us to come here?” she asked. “That other me sacrificed his life because you got caught in the crossfire, I need you to stay here where it’s safe.” he told her as they stepped out of the car. “As I explained before sending you home wouldn’t work, the version of me there needs to think that you are dead.” he continued to explain while he walked her to her room. “But why fight, why not hide here with me?” she asked as the tears ran down her face. He wiped them away with his fingers and pulled her body closer to his own. “Jem I love you more than life itself but if I hide he will find me and one of us will die. If I confront him one of us will still die but it would be better then hiding. I know this man as well as I know myself and I know that he won’t stop under any conditions until one of us is dead.” he said embracing her, holding her tight and close he kissed her ruby lips.
As they kissed the Professor slipped his hand into his wife’s purse and removed her cell phone. “I’ll be needing to borrow this.”
Professor Chrono knew that if he were going to confront his alter ego he would need a weapon. Unfortunately, he had not had time to pick up the gun dropped by his murdered counterpart. Instead he decided to make a stop at a nearby gun shop, he browsed the store’s vast selection of both legal and illegal weapons until his interest was grabbed by a black assault rifle. As he inspected the gun he knew that it was exactly the weapon he would need when going against his alter ego.
After purchasing the weapon he dialed a number on his wife’s phone, after doing this his own cell phone rang but he did not pick it up, instead he waited.
Eventually someone answered the call. “I do doubt that this is my beautiful wife calling me after hearing the lies you must have told her, so It can only be my noble prey but tell me why the gazelle should call on the lion who he knows will kill him?” his alter ego asked. The Professor smiled as he replied, “You can find me waiting at the Camelot amusement park but beware for when you enter the gates the hunter will become the hunted, before the game begins meet me in the fun house.” Before waiting for an answer, the Professor hung up the phone and left the gun shop with his purchase. “There is much to be done in a short amount of time.” He drove his car into the parking area of Camelot.

That night it rained, the heavens were dark and in anguish as they gushed forth tears that spilled onto the ground and flowed in streams everywhere. The Professor waited patiently and well armed inside of the fun house. He had been there for an hour already and regretted having forgotten to give his darker self a specific meeting time. He was almost about to dose off when he heard footsteps enter the building.
The mirrors all around him provided a perfect cover for not only himself but for his alter ego as well. The other Professor had already become visible in them as he walked out of the rain and into the maze of mirror. Professor Chrono raised his gun and commanded his alter ego to stop. “Don’t come another step.” he said and his other self seemed to cooperate, though notably he did not lower his own weapon.
“I trust that you did not bring your time machine to this battle.” the Professor asked.
“You will be glad to know that I did not.” the other replied.
“Must it come to violence, is there no way for us to coexist?” the Professor asked.
“We can never coexist fool, there can only be one!” the other replied.
“Why can we not coexist, is it not possible for us both to find happiness?” asked the Professor still trying to make peace. “What you propose is what I am intent on preventing, nothing but disaster can ever come of such a mad method! Yet you with your selfish preoccupation with personal happiness do not see the potential of unleashing a great time war that could destroy reality!” the other raved.
“Then it is that to prevent a time war we are here about to have one.”
“Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!” the mad Professor screamed as he pulled the trigger spraying the interior of the funhouse with bullets as shards of shattered glass flew in every direction. Professor Chrono responded by pulling the trigger of his own gun and shot any mirror that he thought had the remote possibility of being his alter ego.
With the air full of glass and bullets flying all over the room it became a hazardous place to be. The Professor backed into the staircase leading to the second story of the fun house. As he walked up the steps he heard the furious screams of his alter ego behind him. “Coward, you will not be allowed to escape me!” he screamed firing shot his gun wildly. The upper portion of the building seemed to be only used by the staff, there was a hall way with a few doors with signs marking their function, sound effects, light effects and so on. Hiding would do him no good, he knew that already so he was looking for a way out. The only exit besides the stairs that he could find was a plastic window.
Being two stories up the Professor was naturally reluctant to jump. But then he heard the most unwelcome sound of his alter ego storming up the stairs.
The Professor kicked the window open just as his double barged into the room, bullets flying all around him he jumped but not before being grazed in the arm.
He landed in the mud as his insane double rained bullets down on him while screaming out spiteful things. “Die! Die and burn in hell!” he shouted as he continued shooting at the Professor who would have shot back had he not dropped his own gun in the fall. So the Professor ran and ducked into the Dragon’s Den Pub, his other self jumped out of the same window in order to follow. The Professor had gone behind the bar when his alter ego walked into the pub. “Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, looks like your numbers up. Got any last requests? ” his double asked as he pointed the gun at the professor. The professor could only smile. “How about a cocktail?” he lit the rag sticking out of a liquor bottle and tossed it at his alter ego. The bottle exploded into flames as his double tried to knock it away with his riffle catching himself on fire. He dropped the gun reflexively and tried to bat out the flames on his clothes. While his double was distracted the Professor pulled a sword from the hands of a standing suit of armor and charged swinging the metal blade at his alter ego. His double dodged the attack and rolled out of the way stopping beneath a hanging shield with two crossed swords he grabbed one of them and thrust in the direction of the Professor. He held up his sword deflecting the attack and swung it back at his alter ego who dodged the attack and thrusted again.
This time the blade came very close to cutting the Professor’s neck. The professor kicked away his opponent and swung his blade down only to be deflected away from the soft flesh by hard steel. The Professor’s alter ego was not about to give up, he swung his blade at the Professor more furiously. “Your blood will run free tonight my friend!” he said as he gashed the Professor’s arm sending him stumbling back into a lever.

The Dragon’s Den pub was home to the Deadly Dragon roller coaster which until now sat unmoving on the tracks at the far side of the pub. The battle between Professor George Chrono and his other self had wound up bringing them within inches of the roller coaster and as the professor stumbled backward after being injured he pressed the lever activating the roller coaster. His double brought his sword down on the professor meaning to kill him with a single blow but despite being injured in both arms the Professor brought his sword up blocking the attack. The Professor’s double did not stop his attack there, rather he kicked up the pace of his swings. Some of the attacks the Professor was able to dodge and others he could block yet there were always some that got through. As the roller coaster slowly began to move on the track the Professor climbed aboard followed shortly by his alter ego who still madly swung his sword at him.
The professor continued to block his double’s attacks but each one that got through came closer to his vitals than the last. As the roller coaster began to move it took them from the shelter of the pub and out into the rain. The Professor climbed backward over the cars as he was pushed to the front by his relentlessly swinging enemy. The Professor, seeing an opening thrust his sword forward cutting into his double’s thigh. His alter ego let out an enraged scream as he brought his sword down on the Professor with all of his might and as the Professor blocked it he kicked him with the injured leg knocking him onto his back and causing him to drop his sword over the edge. The Professor’s double leaned in with a gruesome smile as he jabbed his sword into the Professor’s shoulder. The icy cold razor sharp steel cut through the Professor’s flesh until it hit bone. “I would kill you quickly but you know how masochistic I can be.” his alter ego said as he slowly turned the blade in the Professor’s wound. The roller coaster made a sharp turn knocking the mad double off of his feet, the Professor sprung up and pulled the saber from his arm and tossed it over the side. “Bare hands only!” he shouted as he punched his double in the face.
His double hit him in the stomach and the two of them struggled as the ride twisted and turned throwing them each off balance. At one point the Professor’s alter ego had him hanging over the edge as he tried to behead him with the wheels. The roller coaster then reached an arch and as it reached the side the Professor punched his double in the face with every last bit of his strength sending him flying over the side of the roller coaster and plummeting into the power lines before crashing into the concession booth which then caught on fire. Professor George T. Chrono died that night but he also survived to live the life he wanted. He returned to the motel where he met up with his wife and the two of them spent the week together there on a kind of second honey moon.
It was sad but they both knew that the man who at that same time was constructing a time machine would be killed by the bullet of a crazed future self, accomplishing the goal of preventing a time paradox set by that same crazed sniper. As long as Professor Chrono and his wife left things alone there would never be another time war. But what is the likelihood of a man with the godlike power over time to never use it?


:roll: I know, it's a LONG story, but i'd really like some feedback.
  





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Wed Jul 15, 2009 9:44 pm
McDanny says...



I'm going to be completely honest; I only read the first couple of paragraphs before noticing how long it was and remembering I had other important stuff to do this week; perhaps people would be more receptive to reading it if you broke it down into multiple parts and posted them separately?

However, a few things in the short space I read caught my attention;

ermixon wrote:After each change he made to his equipment he would pause for a moment and look to the left of the room where a cylindrical apparatus with a small iron ball on the interior being levitated by magnetism and a copper wire coiled around the outer portion like a constrictor snake.

Woah, woah, woah. Just reading that makes me feel breathless. While this accurately conveys the professor's urgency and haste- which was completely deliberate on your part, of course- I'm pretty sure that commas aren't being rationed by the government and so you can afford to put a couple in somewhere.

ermixon wrote:Both devices exchanged violent sparks of electricity as blue bolts of energy shot from one machine to the other, as he watched this spectacle of power Professor Chrono’s eyes lit up in excitement and a maniacal grin came to his face followed by maniacal laughter.

Too much maniacal. I'm not sure whether this was deliberate, in order to emphasise the Professor's, erm, maniacality (which I'm pretty sure wasn't a word before but is now!), but I'd use a synonym the second time round- crazed, maybe?
Also Professor Chrono seems like quite an unimainative name- unless it has some relevance later in the story, you may as well have called him 'Doctor Time'.

ermixon wrote:“Heisenberg was a fool I wish he were alive for me to shove his bullshit theory up his arrogant asshole! Soon they all will see the power of my teleportation device and when they do…”, he halted himself mid-rant as he turned a couple of knobs taking special care to make sure they were at the right setting.

I'm beginning to think commas ran off with your childhood sweetheart or something because you seem incredibly reluctant to use them. There should be one between 'fool' and 'I'- although that's probably a typo- and, conversely, when he finishes speaking I would take out the comma there and put a capital H on 'he'. Additionally, the swearing seems a little unnecessary at this stage. Sure, it's good for characterisation, but I can guarantee it will put some readers off going through the rest of the story; if I were you I'd wait until the reader was hooked before throwing obscenities around.

...and that's as far as I got. Good luck with the story, sorry if I've seemed harsh, and PM me if you have questions. =)

EDIT: Out of curiosity I copied the story into Word and found it was over 10,000 words long; I would seriously recommend breaking it down, as people are far more likely to read 7 or 8 bite-sized chunks than a monolithic slab of writing as it is now.
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Fri Jul 17, 2009 12:33 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Here by request!

This review is going to be done in parts. This post is for the first part of your story. I'm going to be as honest as possible, and I hope you won't be offended by anything if the review seems harsh.

Commas
Your biggest problems are these commas. Run on sentences too. You seem to get confused when to end a sentence, when to start a new sentence and when to use a semi colon, etc. I saw that instead of ending a sentence and beginning a new one, you substituted the period with a comma. Check out this link for a thorough guide on comma usage.

Dialogue
Your dialogue was rather flat, and was not unique to the character. I should see the Professor's personality reflected quite clearly in his speech, but it wasn't. Also, note the timings when he talks to himself, and on what occasions. Sometimes his dialogue seemed forced, so that you as the writer could tell what was going on in his mind. It is a good idea to use dialogue for a such a thing, but use it carefully and tactfully.Try to not make it obvious. ;)

Also, every time some one different speaks, start a new paragraph. Which brings me to my next point.

Paragraph breaks
You have huge chunks of rigthing that need to be broken into neater and smaller paragraphs. By breaking your work in to neat, easy to consume paragraphs, your story will run smoother.

Typos
Too, too, too many typos! Did you type this in word? Try to run your writing through a spell check, every one in a while. Some of these mistakes were very obvious. I won't pin point each typo and spelling error as slow and thorough reading of your work and a good spell checker should suffice.
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Fri Jul 17, 2009 12:33 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Here by request!

This review is going to be done in parts. This post is for the first part of your story. I'm going to be as honest as possible, and I hope you won't be offended by anything if the review seems harsh.

Commas
Your biggest problems are these commas. Run on sentences too. You seem to get confused when to end a sentence, when to start a new sentence and when to use a semi colon, etc. I saw that instead of ending a sentence and beginning a new one, you substituted the period with a comma. Check out this link for a thorough guide on comma usage.

Dialogue
Your dialogue was rather flat, and was not unique to the character. I should see the Professor's personality reflected quite clearly in his speech, but it wasn't. Also, note the timings when he talks to himself, and on what occasions. Sometimes his dialogue seemed forced, so that you as the writer could tell what was going on in his mind. It is a good idea to use dialogue for a such a thing, but use it carefully and tactfully.Try to not make it obvious. ;)

Also, every time some one different speaks, start a new paragraph. Which brings me to my next point.

Paragraph breaks
You have huge chunks of rigthing that need to be broken into neater and smaller paragraphs. By breaking your work in to neat, easy to consume paragraphs, your story will run smoother.

Typos
Too, too, too many typos! Did you type this in word? Try to run your writing through a spell check, every one in a while. Some of these mistakes were very obvious. I won't pin point each typo and spelling error as slow and thorough reading of your work and a good spell checker should suffice.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Mon Jul 20, 2009 5:28 pm
Master_Yoda says...



Hey There Ermixon,

Here's the review to the first part of your story. I'll get to the rest later. To start off with I'm going to take the first 1500 or so words, and look at them alone. I'll have to move on bit by bit because of the sheer length of this piece. I don't expect I'll finish reviewing the story for a while. If you want more reviews on your story I suggest that you either break it up and post each little piece separately, or you could post the whole thing in “Advanced Critiques”. You're sure to get some help there. :)

So, first thing I notice when reading this story after the actual length of it is the length of each independent paragraph. You'll want to try shortening each paragraph to make it easier on the reader's eye. It's a fact about humans: we like to feel accomplishment. The longer you make us take to read a piece of your story, the longer we have to wait to feel like we've accomplished something. You don't want to intimidate your reader, so I suggest breaking up some paragraphs.

Let's take a peek at some stylistic aspects of your writing, and see what we can improve on.
:arrow: Pacing yourself: I'm not sure whether you notice that you tend to consistently write long sentences throughout your piece. This is not in and of itself a problem but it does at times bore us, it's usually unnecessary, not to mention that once or twice you stumble and make grammatical errors because of this tendency. Consider the following:
He rushed over to a rusty folding table with control panels and switchboards piled one on top of the other, after taking a second look at his notebook he begin to turn knobs and press buttons.

You should have grammatically ended the sentence after “other”. Why you didn't I can only presume is because you lost track because of your own length of sentence. Also, I don't usually do this, but while I'm here I might as well mention that “begin” should be “began”. Remember, the longer your sentence, the more chance that the reader will have to go back and read. You want your reader to be able to just whizz through your pages.

:arrow: Monologues: Stylistically, a monologue will only work if the character would have been likely to say them aloud. Even in humour, you lose your credibility as a writer as soon as you start ranting manically and trying to get some of your thoughts across. If you do feel the need to tell us your thoughts, you should let the professor talk to a robot. Alternatively, you can tell us what he had achieved without ever having him gloat to himself about it. Talking to oneself just doesn't quite cut it as believable, or even funny.

:arrow: Dialogue: Remember, as soon as a new person starts to speak, move onto a new line. This protocol helps break things down for the reader and makes it entirely easier to read. But, I very rarely bring something down for grammar alone, as these errors are usually seen by others, I wanted to point out a couple of things. Consider:
“Come diner is ready, you will enjoy it”, she said simply and softly with a subtle bit of force behind her words.

Firstly, it is very important to punctuate your dialogue correctly if you want maximum effect. You need to place the pauses where they are due and the character who speaks must have pauses built into her sentences. She needs a period after “Come”. She needs another period after “ready”. But I tell you this because of my next point. If you do this part right, you won't need to describe her manner of speaking. Good dialogue is in and of itself emotive enough to include the manner of speech, and you wouldn't need to waste our time with telling us that her dialogue was simple, soft and with a bit of force to build reality. Your reality will built into the dialogue itself. Remember, you want to be able to avoid describing unless the reader would be interested in the description or it is necessary to the story as a whole. Extra baggage is never good.

:arrow: Speech Marks! Consider the following piece of dialogue:
“Though I was unable to achieve the desired effect of my experiment, I came very close today, I was able to produce a radiant aura that was like nothing I’ve ever seen before, I believe that I am coming very near to a significant breakthrough!”

An exclamation mark works best when there is an exclamation before it. In other words, you'll use one after “Help!”, “Shut up!” or “You are a freak!” But the exclamation mark specifically puts the exclamation on the last word of the phrase. You will thus only use one if you want the last word to have additional emphasis. A period would suffice here, and you should stick to the simple rather than adding extra features such as exclamation marks when a period would have done just as well.

:arrow: Characters: I think that we have a bit of insight into your professor's head after reading this piece. His wife on the other hand has no distinct personality. After this first supper meeting, we know a little about her: She's beautiful, clever, athletic and cooks horribly. The problem is that we encounter certain conflicting values when reading about her. You tell us she's almost as clever as the professor, but if this is the case when she responds:
“Such a fascinating experiment George, when you succeed the shipping industry will change overnight. Imagine if it proved safe for human use.”
, we have to ask the following question:

Why is it that if she is so smart she does not ask about the physics involved in the teleportation process? She seems to respond so naively that we see her as pretty stupid actually.

It is things like the above that cheapen your characters. It is therefore important to give your characters profiles that are real and develop them as fast as possible to answer up for any inconsistencies in character. First impressions last.

:arrow: Setting: At this stage we have no concept of where this actually takes place. You have time to develop this later on in the story, so before I criticize I'm going to read the rest. You'll get a comment on this in one of the following reviews.

:arrow: Style of Writing: I found you stylistically quirky, and therefore would continue to read despite the fact that your piece isn't polished 100%. The writing is energetic, strong and clear. You tie down each description well and confidently as you write. I really thought this first bit was a pleasure to read.

:arrow: Overall: I found this to be an unpolished gem. You have some great ideas but they need polish. You need to end sentences in the right place, and work on certain inconsistencies that appear in the story. Your end product, though, will be a gem, I think. :) I'll work through the rest of the story and see what help I can give there, but this obviously takes quite a lot of time, so I can't promise

Have a great one!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522
  








I'll actually turning 100 soon
— Ari11