Young Writers Society

The rough autumn wind blew harshly though the room, ruffling the curtains in front of the open window, and teasingly played with the slumbering girl’s golden blonde hair. Stirring slightly, the girl pulled her covers over her head, shutting the wind out.
She was dreaming, and nothing was to disturb her. She was a fantasist, and belonged only to her dreams. Her dreams were her reality, a place where her imagination could run wild and the only place she could truly be herself.
Today she was visiting her favorite place in the whole universe she’d created. It was the first place she had ever created, and she loved to go back and reminisce of the wonderful memories she’d made there.
She sat quietly in a small boat a younger version then her true self, gazing at the slow flowing river on either side of her. The murky green water had a soft glow from underneath it, as if the unseen bottom was covered in lights. Looking ahead, she realized she had reached her destination.
The boat drifted to a halt in a large cove. The cove was filled with giant stalactites of magnificent proportion and colors, reaching from the ceiling to merge with the floor. The stalactites had created many passage ways, off of the main cave. Covering the floor of the cove, were hundreds of tiny colorful stalagmites. The stalagmites were grouped together making beautiful gardens of tiny crystals.
Gently standing in the boat the girl carefully exited, wary of the ever flowing river. Reaching back in to retrieve the candle in the bottom of the boat, the girl faced the room, and as she took a step forward the candle wick burst into flame. She hardly needed the candle for light, but she loved the way the crystals reflected the small light and made it more than it was.
Glancing at the different passageways, she knew each lead to a different place her wandering mind had created. One lead to a world of winter, a place where there was always snow and the Christmas spirit never died. Another lead to a world of night, where the moon never slept, and sun did not exist, where the moon and stars where the only light. Still another extended to a room of perpetual sunsets at the beach, where the sun was always setting beyond the vast ocean. Then there was the passage that lead to the Valley of the Waterfalls. It was just what it’s name portrayed, a lush green valley surrounded by mountains, that thousands of waterfalls cascaded over, making rainbows in places where the sun and water met in perfect union.
Sighing deeply, the girl was thoroughly satisfied as she wandered the many wonderful corridors with her mind, placing changes where she saw fit, and removing things she no longer felt belonged.
When the girl was pleased with the work she had finished, and felt she could face the pain of the real world, she let the light from her candle die and made her way gingerly back to the boat. Stepping warily into the unsteady craft, she seated herself in the middle, and placed her green skirts neatly around her legs. Taking one last longing look at the worlds, the girl allowed the boat to carry on, and take her back to the world where should could no longer be herself and where no one truly knew her, the ever dreaming fantasist.

Hello Zanna!

Exceptional imagery here. A very beautiful piece of writing. I could feel the pleasure of drifting down in world created by one's own imagination. To write such a piece of imagination, one has to have such imagination, so kudos for such and awesome imagination.

The rough autumn wind blew harshly though the room, ruffling the curtains in front of the open window, and teasingly played with the slumbering girl’s golden blonde hair.

You mean 'through'? There's an 'r' missing. : )

She was dreaming, and nothing was to disturb her. She was a fantasist, and belonged only to her dreams.

This is entirely up to you, but I feel instead of 'to her' it should be 'in her'. Both makes sense, but I think the latter fits in better the whole context.

All inciting short stories have some sort of plot, a conflict. The problem the main character had to face in this story, in my opinion was the fact that her dreams were just dreams, they were not a reality. Also, she could not be herself in the real world. I could not help feel that the conflict was not elaborated on enough. You need to emphasize on her problems. All that we have of the conflict are a couple of sentences, everything else is smooth sailing. That can become rather dull to read. Beautiful as the writing was, if I got up in the middle of it, I wouldn't feel the urge to finish it, since there doesn't seem to be much of a problem.

Maybe add some flashbacks the girl has of the real world. Why can't she be herself? What troubles does she have to face in the real world? Why does she dread it so much? Answer these questions and you're good to go. : )


Very beautiful writing, we just need some more conflict. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Keep writing!
-Zehra

Lovely. ^^ It's refreshing to see so much imagery, really. (: That was, by far, your strongest point.

Now, off to point one. While, your imagery was at it's strongest, your emotion was not. Throughout the entire thing I would smile at some of the sentences and how descriptive and how real they seemed, but I didn't really feel anything. For example:

Then there was the passage that lead to the Valley of the Waterfalls. It was just what it’s name portrayed, a lush green valley surrounded by mountains, that thousands of waterfalls cascaded over, making rainbows in places where the sun and water met in perfect union.

And I love that sentence, but then you go on to say that the girl was sighing, pleased. Is that it? Is there nothing else. Yes, we get that she belongs here, but tell us more. Maybe try something like:

The girl closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of true freedom and belonging. Finally, she was free here. She could be herself and be welcomed for it. The girl tilted her face up to the sun, smiling. This was her place.

Well, you see. I don't know your character, but put a little feeling in her. Like about her guardians or someone. Talk about how they could never spoil this place and how they make her feel. Etc, etc.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. I feel like I'm just rattling on now. I hope I helped. (:

~Nicole

Wow, this is so creative!

Instead of pointing out typos or other mechanical errors, I'd like to offer a suggestion- Take it or leave it.

I think you are intending this to be very surreal, and (obviously) dreamlike. Though you do a great job describing things as a distant, unattached observer (which is ideal for your dream world), I think you could use shorter sentences. Not abrupt, just not quite so elongated. That would achieve an unreal quality.

Anyway.
Great work here.

BABS

Hey there,
Thank you everyone for critiquing my work! I changed several things and re posted a new draft. Here's the link if you wish to see it.
topic50821.html
I really appreciate everyone's help, it really helped me to see where I need to improve on this piece of writing, and also in my overall writing.
~Zanna

very creative ^^ but i have to say, while you had a lot of descrition in it, i think you sort of side tracked a lot from the main point. the descriptions were beautiful but a bit consistant. also you have no emotion. but it was very good

Hi Zanna! Nice to meet you, I'm Kat. A while back you requested a review, and so I'm here to give you one. I was on vacation so I couldn't review, but I can now. Do you want me to review this one or the other new draft?

*Kat*

At this moment there is nothing to negatively critique. My mind is full of beauty, waterfalls, caves, and mountains. This little girl sounds like she has and will again have a great adventure. I so want to write like that. You're an awesome writer, I so look forward to reading more about this adventuring girl.