Young Writers Society

My eyes flew open. The speed of my heart thumping increased as I realized I was in a dark, seemingly empty place. I heard nothing, except the tip-tap of trickling water. Breathing heavily, I sat up and looked around. My hands waved around as I tried to find my way through the dark.

As I took one step, I felt my foot set down on something hard. Tap tap. Not long later, it became clear to me that I was standing on something wooden. I felt around, and I realized that I was in a boat.

Then, it all came to me. I remembered playing with my brother, Alvin, at the riverbank near our home just a while ago. It was a bright, sunny day, and perfect to spend time outdoors. After chasing pigeons and climbing trees, we became tired and decided to rest under a tree.

That was when Alvin spotted a shape at the river. When we moved towards it, we found out that it was a wooden boat. It seemed big enough to fit in at least two people. Since the owner of the boat was not in sight, I bravely climbed into the boat and lay there. For some reason, it was cosy inside. I closed my eyes and stretched, enjoying the sun’s warmth.

"Hey, Ed, are you sure you can do that?" Alvin asked. "I mean...that's not ours. If we get caught we might go to jail!"

"Impossible." I said lazily. "I'm just ten, and you're gonna be six next month. No way we'll go to jail."

There was a short pause. Until -

"Well, Ed, I'm kinda hungry." Alvin voiced out. "I'm going to get some apples."

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I responded, not bothering to look back.

I heard the sound of his footsteps upon the grass, fading away not long after. Minutes later, he didn’t return, and I wondered why. I wanted to get out of the boat and find him, but at that moment, I felt drained of energy and my eyelids felt terribly heavy.

Alvin can wait, I thought. I yawned, and closed my eyes for the last time.

It was not long before sleep had me in its hold.

Glancing around the dark, I guessed that while I was asleep, the boat had somehow drifted into the river’s current and brought me here. I climbed out of the boat and wondered where I was. Then, a thought seeped into my mind.

Did Alvin push the boat?

However, I decided not to think too much about it. There’s still plenty of time. I can get back at him later on. Looking around wouldn’t be too bad, wouldn’t it?

For the next few minutes, I begin walking slowly, feeling the way through my hands. The darkness seemed eternal; there was no sign of light. However, for some reason, my feet chose to go on and on.

Then, I heard something. At first, I thought it was water dripping, but as I strained my ears, I heard a tinkling noise. It sounded like a musical box.

Musical boxes were supposed to be calming, but in my situation, it wasn’t. The tinkling was getting louder, and I felt the hairs on my skin stand straight up. A part of me wanted to go back to the boat, but another part wanted me to carry on with exploring.

After a few seconds, I decided to continue.

Suddenly, the tinkling stopped, and multi-coloured lights flashed before me. I shut my eyes tight and turned away. As the lights started dimming, I opened them once more.

I expected flying balls of fire, or UFOs, something like that. But it wasn’t.

To my astonishment, it was a large collection of grottos. They were everywhere; left, right, top, bottom. But the astounding part was that you could see sceneries and landscapes in the grottos; I could see green forests, sunset skies, and even the universe! They seemed like portals to different worlds. My mouth was agape, eyes lit with curiosity and awe as I considered one more thought:

Should I turn back?

Wow! Amazing job! (No, you shouldn't turn back lol) I wrote a story off of 'What Path to Take' as well and it's neat to read what the picture brought to mind to someone else. I loved the way it was you talking as you led the reader down into the tunnel with you, reflecting on what could have happened. Good job on the spelling and grammar as well, though I didn't fine tooth comb it. Good luck in the contest too, I really enjoyed reading your story.
~Dakota

Hey Pau, Stella here!

So I'm checking out the competition for the contest...

I. NITPICKS

The speed of my heart thumping increased

This seems awkward...

nearby our home.

Near will do.

I bravely climbed into the boat and laid there.

I think it's lay...

Okay...

II. CHARACTERS

I know nothing about your main character except their name and that they have a brother. I want to know more! What age are they? What are they like, are they brave, cowardly, neither one nor the other? We can't wonder about their turning back, because we don't know what they're most likely to do... What are they missing at home? What about their parents, would they be worrying? Are they worrying about their parents?

We don't feel for them because we don't know them. This is a short piece, so you have the ability to develop without making it boring, it'll still be short enough...

Also, Alvin, would he push the boat? What's their relationship like? They seem like friends, but then Alvin never comes back, and Ed thinks he may have pushed the boat? And neither of them worry about the fact the boat may belong to someone? Are they similar, or do they complement each other?

III. OVERALL

I'd like to see some more development, but this was an enjoyable read!

Good luck, hope I helped and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hi Lil_Pau! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

I really liked the whimsical notions of this piece. It lead us along, little by little, with bits of childlike innocence as treats. All in all, that makes it pleasant to read, with a nice even flow.

There were a few things that I didn't like though. For one, when she says that she might kill Alvin, even though we know that's in jest it is rather jarring. Consider simply saying, "get him back" or "get even." Also, your ending seems way too abrupt and with too much left unanswered. Expound on what might be hidden behind the portals. Are they gateways to realities in which the protagonist's life is different? There are many possibilities with that. Here, it just seems like you've dumped us in the middle of a desert without any road in sight. At least give us a map.

But, all in all, I did like the story. You just need to give it a little tender love and care. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews! I've edited the story.

Looks like I'll have to write that 2nd part...oh well...

Hey Lil_Pau! ^^ Here as requested. I know I'm late, but I've been super busy, and I'm sorry. >_> But we can always use advice, so hey! Here we go.

My eyes flew open. The speed of my heart thumping increased as I realized I was in a dark, seemingly empty place. I heard nothing, except the tip-tap of trickling water. Breathing heavily, I sat up and looked around. My hands waved around as I tried to find my way through the dark.

This is actually a pretty exciting scene here, yes? Someone's waking up in a strange, foreign, dark place. This would be scary! I don't think you really wrote through the emotions here, though; for one, the rhythm is a bit to choppy to be properly ominous. Try taking out some periods and using commas and conjunctions instead (and, but, or) to lengthen some sentences. On the opposite end of the spectrum, try shortening some sentences. Varying sentence length and structure can really make a paragraph seem well-rounded. And this goes for the entire peice, not just this segment.

As I took one step, I felt my foot set down on something hard. Tap tap. After a few times of stepping, I found out that I was standing on something wooden. I felt around, and I realized that I was in a wooden boat.

She how I bolded the repetition? Try rewording this phrases so that you're not repeating anything unnecessarily. Also, you have a minore plot-hole. How could this MC not feel the sway of the boat, especially when they first get up and scramble to their feet? If it's small enough that she can tell it's a boat my just feeling around, it's small enough to sway at the slightest motions. Mention that!

Then, it all came to me. I remembered playing with my brother, Alvin, at the riverbank near our home. It was a bright, sunny day, and perfect to spend time outdoors. After chasing pigeons and climbing trees, we became tired and decided to rest under a tree.

I think you need to mention something here about how this is talking about something that happened just earlier that day, not a week ago or ten years ago, because that's what it sounds like here.

That was when Alvin spotted a blackish shape at the river.

Since you keep mentioning how the boat is wooden, then why is the shape blackish? Wooden boats are brown, aren't they? Unless they're painted-- but then it would be harder to tell that it's wooden, when your MC is obviously very sure of that.

Alvin's dialogue could be a bit more six-year-old-ish, if you know what I mean. Right now he's articulating perfectly, which is a tad unusual, yes? Try having a conversation with a six-year-old and see how long you can keep them focused on you, how long you can keep them on topic, and how clearly they enunciate.

Stella is absolutely right-- we don't know much about your characters! You have a lot of room for development and characterization here throuh how Ed reacts to his situation, but you don't really show that. You tell us what he does, what the hairs on his skin are doing, but you never let him fully freak out (is he terrified of the dark?) or bravely, arrogantly traipse forwards towards certain death. How does he feel about this? You could definately show some more of this.

And Stella's also right about Alvin and Ed's relationship. Why would Ed think Alvin had pushed the boat on purpose? Had they just had a fight? Was Alvin unreliable? Their connection is fuzzy-- I know they're brothers, but other than that we don't see the normal brotherly interaction.

So, all in all, I really did enjoy this! xD Hard to believe, maybe, but I did. I'm just mentioning the less-than-perfect parts so you can work on improving even more. But, an overall good story! ^^ PM me for anything.

~Evi

Thanks, Evi! I've revised some parts of the story.