Young Writers Society

Her.
“Finally,” I croaked. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumnal frost. I had been waiting for her for 15 years. “Mom!” I shouted hysterically, waving my hands like a mad-woman. She continued to walk away from me with her head bowed against the frigid, salty air from above the sea.
I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she walked adamantly toward Luna General Hospital. Her heavy coat slid from her shoulders and exposed two infants with thick black hair. Just like mine. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. She laid the children in front of the locked doors and stepped away as the moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.
“Stay safe my beloveds.” she whispered, kissing them lightly on the forehead. She scurried into the ominous forest never to be seen by me again. I fell to my knees, gladdened that I could move, but tormented by the fact that she had left me yet again. I sobbed for what felt like hours, but when I quieted I gathered up my dignity, wiped off the dirt from the road and started on my way home. I was only a yard away from where I started when someone spun me around abruptly.
Her gentle features and small figure screamed nurturer. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me.” I fell into her embrace, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mothers' hugs should be it felt cold and hard; a brick wall. I pulled away, my eyebrows scrunching in confusion.
“What’s wrong Asha?” She cackled maniacally. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother.” She said gesturing toward the babies on the hospital step. “You were a burden on my life. I’m glad I abandoned you.”
She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength as she continued to laugh. I cried out in pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground; small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed a thin layer of sweat covering my body.

Wow.

That was powerful. I feel like you have so much potential to be a truly great author. Your descriptions were so amazing, I could picture the entire scene in my head. And that is awesome.

I did notice one thing that I think could be tweaked this make this part of your story 20 times better.
I noticed that you used the word 'scream' 5 times. You are SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO good at describing the scene and what is going on. You can describe her screaming instead of using the word.
Remember the writing rule?: Readers don't want to be told what they're reading.

It's like saying:
"You suck!" Jasmine exclaimed. <--- If there's an exclamation mark there, we all know she's exclaiming lol.

It'd be better to say:
"You suck!" Jasmine said, blah blah blah...

That's just an example similar to this.
You can describe her screaming by saying she cried out in fear, she cried out in pain, she bellowed, she shrieked in fear or sadness.
She yelped, she howled, she screeched.

Those are the synonyms of scream.
I think it would make your story more interesting if you used one of these words as you described it.

Keep the line "Her gentle features and small figure screamed nurturer."

But a line like: "I screamed when my head snapped forward then back again,"

You could change to: "I cried out in pain/fear when my head snapped forward then back again,"

And : "I screamed when she slammed me on the ground"

Could be: "I yelped loudly when she slammed me on the ground"

There are SO many cool ways to describe screams. You could make them so eerie and haunting or just frightening to hear.

Like describing a scream like, "I felt my insides tighten in fear as a loud, painful scream escaped my lips" [or throat or mouth, whatever you want]

You are so good at writing and I'm so excited for you!
I hope you take my advice with that, I believe that it will really help!

-Jassie

Yeah this story was really really good and i honestly couldnt think of anything that i could tell you to make it any better than it already was. Keep it up!

Awesome

I did find a grammatical error here though:

but instead of being warm and comfortable like and mother’s hugs should be

should be

but instead of being warm and comfortable like a mother’s hugs should be

Other than that, I enjoyed that a lot for a short-story! Very powerful emotions, and awesome descriptive work. Oh, and I love your use of metaphors!

Wow.

I really like the way it is obvious that she is dreaming although you do not say it until the very end. Everything is so obviously nightmare scenario. It is really good.

I would love to know how this continues. Perhaps I can give you a more constructive review than this is. I am having a hard time finding something that you could improve.

She removed a silver necklace form around her neck where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

What does she do with the necklace? I don't think you mention that. This way it sort of looks like a lost snippet that is irrelevant to the complete text.

Her gentle features and small figure screamed nurturer. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her.

Okay I did not know that the underlined word existed. I had to look it up. I get what you mean but it sounds strange. I would melt those two sentences to something like this:
Her gentle features and small figure screamed: Hug me! Trust me!
Nurturer just sounds really weird.

I hope I could help. Perhaps you could PM me when you write more.

Hey there! Thanks for the PM!

First thing I noticed: Speech tags. It doesn't end with the dialogue. Like...

“Finally.” I croaked.

Should be: "Finally," I croaked.

they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumnal frost.

Nice. I like the imagery that produces.

“Mom.” I shouted hysterically

Mmm. If she's shouting hysterically should there be an exclamation mark at the end, rather than a cold full-stop?

She continued to walk away from me with her head bowed against the frigid, salty air from above the sea.

I don't know. It doesn't sound right to me. maybe change the above the sea. Or perhaps get rid of it and add it in later.

“Stay safe my beloveds.” She whispered kissing them lightly on the forehead.

Speech tag, lower case "s"
"Stay safe my beloveds," she whispered, kissing them lightly on the forehead.
Oh, and a comma after "whispered"

as the moonlight coated her face giving it a beautifully ominous light.

Comma after face.

She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

Love! The "light in the darkness" is just brilliant.

I fell to my knees gladdened that I could move, but

Comma after knees?

...comfortable like and mother’s hugs should be...

The "and" should be "all" ? Oh, and mother's should be mothers' because it belongs to a group.

I pulled away my eyebrows scrunching in confusion.

Ha ha, she pulled away her eyebrows
But, yes, comma after away.

Jassie wrote:You can describe her screaming by saying she cried out in fear, she cried out in pain, she bellowed, she shrieked in fear or sadness.
She yelped, she howled, she screeched.

Those are the synonyms of scream.
I think it would make your story more interesting if you used one of these words as you described it.

And I totally agree, but, pinkangel, you don't need to replace every "scream" It is actually better if you don't try really hard to replace it, because it confuses the writer and slows the story down! Try and keep it more simple, so we're not trying to picture it, but rather the picture comes to us. I think that makes sense....

It's cool it's all a dream I didn't realise that until the end, when you said. 'tis good. I'm guessing you'll be bringing the necklace in at some point. Oh, and maybe you could have added in something about her foster-parents or something like that. I'm guessing they're all she's know when it comes to family, so she might be comparing her real mum and her foster mum.
It was a great read ^^ I dunno, you just... have something. I was, uh, in a nit-picky mood today ^^' sorry. Original start for a vamp book I love originality. I am definitely hooked. Will you be posting more? 'Cause I'd certainly like to read more.

~EmmaJane~

pinkangel54123 wrote:“Pain without love.” Three Days Grace

Her.

Just want to clarify, is the 'pain...' what this piece is inspired by? And 'her' signifies it's from 'her' POV. If not, clarify a little more, and if it is, still clarify a little more.

pinkangel54123 wrote: “Finally,” I croaked.

General pet peeve of mine is when things start with dialogue. Stories need to start off with a Bang! The first sentence should be like 'Dang! I need to read to at least the end of the paragraph!'

pinkangel54123 wrote:the early autumnal frost.

I would just say 'autumn'. 'autumnal' seems weird to me.

pinkangel54123 wrote: “Stay safe my beloveds.” she whispered, kissing them lightly on the forehead. She scurried into the ominous forest never to be seen by me again.

Another pet peeve of mine is phrases like 'never to be seen by me again'. This is present tense so how does the MC know she will never see her mother again?

pinkangel54123 wrote: I fell to my knees, gladdened that I could move,

'gladdened' sounds weird to me too. Maybe just 'glad'.

pinkangel54123 wrote: but tormented by the fact that she had left me yet again.

Did the mom know she was supposed to be here? Did the mom just ditch her or did she have no idea the daughter was there waiting for her? That might make us feel a little more for the MC

This made me go 'hmmmmmmm'.

Characters:
I didn't feel that strong of a connection to any of the characters. I didn't feel bad for the MC at all. I didn't hate the mom, (even though she is kind of a lunatic b***h) I don't know if you're continuing this at all, (the title makes me think you are), or if this is a preface or something, but maybe tell us more about the MC, especially her past. Maybe this is coming in later chapters or sections, I don't know.

Plot/Overall:
The plot was interesting. Obviously it was a dream but the only thing I'm still curious about is were the baby boy and girl actually the MC and her brother? The mom seemed to love them enough when she dropped them off. She didn't seem like a cold-hearted snake then. I mean, she cared about them enough to give them each a small gift...
Overall I liked it, I just want to know more!

-Carly

Hey Angel

This piece is interesting on a number of levels. I do hope that I do justice to it in my review. You have quite a knack for writing, but I'll try to review this as per your request and add what I can.

Let's start off with your opener:

Her.
“Finally,” I croaked. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumnal frost.

This is a fairly awkward opener to your story. Personally, I find that strong emotion can be observed through thought and feeling rather than monologue. I think that you've done well enough to capture our attention. We do wonder immediately to whom you are referring. This is peculiarly effective in hooking us from the start. My problem is more with your use of monologue to convey your persona's emotions. See, one of the key benefits of writing from a first person perspective is your ability to get so close to your character that you can desribe feelings and thoughts far more naturally than you can a monologue.

At the end of the day, when you give us the word "finally", you want us to feel that this is something your persona's wanted for a long time. Nevertheless, as soon as you verbalize this "finally" and speak it out, it loses a substantial amount of its credibility as you wouldn't talk to yourself and when recounting the event you certainly wouldn't tell us you said this. Were I in your position I would rewrite the above piece as follows:

Her.
Finally. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumnal frost.

After this you could continue to add your feelings, a point that I will come to now.

Using the first person to full effect: Were your story written in the third person I wouldn't even be mentioning this. See, when describing things in the third person you are more detached from your characters than when you describe from the first person. When you describe from the first person, you have the tough job of seeing exactly what the character would. This means that you need to tell us not only what the character does, but also what they feel. Imagine, you've been waiting for your mother for ages. Suddenly out of the blue you see her. Surely there's a quickening of your heart; a pounding in your head; a flood of memories etc.

You narrate what her response is superbly, but we also need to feel what causes that response. You've set yourself a really tough task writing this in the first person. When a person tells their own story, they will invariably give us their thoughts over their responses. After all, their responses are only a product of their thoughts.

On seeming contradictions:

She scurried into the ominous forest never to be seen by me again.

I was only a yard away from where I started when someone spun me around abruptly.

At first glance, it appears as though you tell us that we'll never see her again and then immediately afterward do see her again. This seems remarkably contradictory. If you meant that you would never see her as her caring self again, you need to make this clearer and foreshadow it a little better. Otherwise I'd just end the first sentence after "forest" and be done with it.

Her gentle features and small figure screamed nurturer.

I notice that a couple of the previous reviewers were uncomfortable with the above sentence. I share this discomfort. The reason I do so is that at this stage you try to build up a peaceful setting; a setting of your persona's comfort. You want to achieve maximum effect when you break this peaceful image. Your use of "screamed" contrasts far too strongly with your sentence's aim. It also contrasts with the term nurturer which denotes comfort. You would build up your image far better if you changed the sentence to something like the following:

Her gentle features and small figure embodied nurture.

Setting: Throughout this piece I never had a feel of where it was taking place. I couldn't even tell whether it was day or night. I'd work as much as possible on your portrayal of the place that this occurred. Where were you observing this whole scene from, anyway? These are most of the questions that I'm left with after reading your story.

In conclusion: You write a masterful story. We are almost immediately drawn in and I certainly would want to continue reading it. You describe your actions vividly enough to perceive as real, too. I do think you need to work on describing those feelings that cause the actions quite a lot more. And I think you need to describe a little more of the setting. As far as the story itself goes, I think you've got a great thing going for yourself here, and you've certainly drawn my attention to the plot.

I do hope that my review helped.

Have a great one!

Whoa. I thought the story was very good. It kept me hooked from the beginning to the end. I felt that it needed some other words for scream. Like the others said, you could use cried out,yelped,screeched,shrieked, and howled. But otherwise, if it was made into a book, I would read it. Keep up the good work!

Don't ask why, but I teared up a little before I realized it was a dream. I honestly thought it was amazing.
You have nice style and it flowed well except in the parts specified above by the others. You have that genuine, rare ability to make the reader feel the emotions of the character. Although, I do think that the ending sounded a bit rushed, but that's just my opinion. I LOVED it. Keep up the good work, hun. \m/(>.<)\m/


<3 bElL3 <3

Hey Angel ^^ Shina here as requested

“Pain without love.” Three Days Grace

Is this a quote? Or a chapter name? IT doesn't seem to be apart of the actual story.

Her.

If it's POV, no need for period.

I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumnal frost.

*Autumnal? It should be Autumn, capitalized.

I had been waiting for her for 15 years.

Fifteen should be in word form. In novels, any number below 100 is in word form.

“Mom!” I shouted [s]hysterically[/s], waving my hands like a mad-woman.

Redundant because you already say you wave your hands like a mad-woman.

She continued to walk away from me with her head bowed against the frigid, salty air [s]from[/s] above the sea.

Doesn't need to be there.

I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she walked adamantly toward Luna General Hospital.

Comma after in place.

She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. She laid the children in front of the locked doors and stepped away as the moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

Good imagery, but there's a lot of she did this and she did that, making it tell-y.

“Stay safe my beloveds.” she whispered, kissing them lightly on the forehead. She scurried into the ominous forest never to be seen by me again.

I thought it was a hospital or something. Where did this forest come from all of a sudden? Also, ominous is a cheat to describe something. Imagery Remember to paint us a picture about the setting, too.

-----------------

Overall:

The way you portrayed this was really interesting ^^ I kind of saw the dream coming since it reminded me of Meet the Robinson's, though.

The positives about this are that you have really good imagery and description when it comes to the people, and small things. However, when it comes to setting, you're not really painting the picture for your readers.

Don't just say "ominous" forest or anything like that. Actually take the time to paint it for the readers like you do with the people.

Also, please use commas, dear The sentences are awfully long and need some commas.

Hope to read more
-Shina

Hey pinkangel! I wrote out a whole review for this, and then my computer totally ate it, so you’ll have to bear with me. >_> Let me just give you some general suggestion!

Write out all numbers that can be spelled with only two words (twenty-seven, three, nine-million) because spelling out numbers is just so much cooler than writing the digits. In your case, the 15 needs to become fifteen.

She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. She laid the children in front of the locked doors and stepped away as the moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

Be careful about starting a lot of consecutive sentences with the same word. In your case, ‘She’ when you’re describing the mother’s actions. That entire paragraph is just “She did this, she did that” and you begin to sound like a broken record! Which isn’t good. ^^ So rephrase some things so that you’re not always focusing on the mother’s actions at the beginning of the sentences—focus on the moonlight streaming down her face, sounds from the forest, wails of the two children she’s leaving. Just vary things!

You use the word ‘ominous’ twice. Don’t. This is a wonderful, fantastic word, but twice in such a short piece is overkill and it stands out like a sore thumb. There are millions of amazing words out there—experiment with them! xD

Speaking of variation, your sentences are all loooooong. You should shake things up a bit by adding some shorter sentences—shorter doesn’t mean any less professional, remember. And some middle-sized sentences as well, of course.

Also! You were missing some commas. Check out tutorials in the Knowledge Base-- (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticles.php?f=151)-- to find titorials on Grammar. You can learn about Dialogue punctuation, like how to add commas and periods and stuff to your conversations. And you should brush up on where to insert commas- try reading your stories aloud, and put commas wherever you pause; put periods wherever you stop to take a breath.

So, other than these little issues, this was a solid start to an interesting idea! ^^ I’d focus on, again, your sentence structure—make sure your narration is smooth and flowing, not jagged or repetitive. PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

Wow. Your descriptions are absolutely amazing.

I didn't find anything really, except for a few spelling mistakes here and there.

“Pain without love.” Three Days Grace

I was wondering about this, since it obviously isn't part of the story. Is it some sort of pre-chapter quote, or something?

Yeah, definitely use some other words than "scream".

Add some commas in too, please.

Other than that, I didn't find anything else. Great job, and keep up the good work!

zOe

Well, everyone else got here before me, but here is your review as requested. ^^

I thought this was okay. I mean, you have really good parts but I didn't...really get into the story.

1. I didn't feel anything from your main character. You showed lots of emotions in her, but I didn't feel any towards her. I just sat there at the end like 'Is that all?' Add more to your character and really flesh her out. That's what I hate about really short stories, you never get to know the characters enough.

2. Imagery!!! Your descriptions were pretty good, but they weren't that powerful to me. Honestly, I thought you could do so much more with those sentences than you did. When you are describing something use metaphors or something. Give it a little more flare. Use all of the five senes. Sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing. Well try to fit most of them in there.

Overall, this has real potential. I thought the story was decent, but it just didn't capture my interest. I've read tons of stories with someone who was abandoned by their parents, so with something like this, you need to make it really powerful and interesting to keep the reader from automatically getting bored.

**Also, if I repeated things other people said, I'm sorry but I really don't have enough time to look at ALL of those reveiws. ^^

Hey pinkie angel, here with your review….just really behind. *oops*

I had been waiting for her for 15 years.

15 should be written out, as it looks more formal.

…wiped off the dirt from the road…

Wouldn’t you be wiping the dirt from off yourself rather than off the road? I know what you meant, but that’s not how it reads.

Characters
This a good start but it could use a little work as far as characters go. Asha falls a little flat to me. She seems to lack a real pain when she dreams about her mother and when her mother treats her the way she does. Emotion is what insures that a reader feels connected. Without feeling connected…the reader will lose interest. And because this is the beginning, you want to grab the reader right away with a strong sense of character connection. Make them ask questions and want to know more. This will make them read further.

Good luck. If you have any questions, PM me or post in my Will Review For Food thread.

~lilymoore