Young Writers Society

Somnia.

The world is drenched in a soft silky shadow, the pure, untainted darkness of the Daybreak Solstice. The moon is hidden away in the clouds like a precious stone in a box, the stars have dwindled into nothingness, and all is still….
ll is still. All is silent. The world is waiting…
Waiting….
And then– There… in the black… a glimmer of light…. Then another. And another…

Time seems to stop.

For a fourth time, light is seen. The sparks, the seeds of the light, have burst into a steady glow….. a small, frail, flickering thing… but spirited, all the same, and beautiful. Still, it grows, smoldering, breeding illumination. Soon, it has gone from candle to torch, burning with the deep red of the heart, throbbing, pulsating, planting luminescence in the depths of the darkness. Houses, many sleepy houses and shops, loom into vision, solemn and silent in the shadowy streets of the city. With the earth, they seem to wait… still waiting… and watching, alert in their anticipation…
For that timeless moment, when the shadows weaken and fade, passing into oblivion like souls, and the glow, that numinous glow, grows in intensity, slowly… slowly, deepening, ever-deepening….
And then, in that moment…. blooming! Blooming into a magnificent radiance of shimmering light, crippling the darkness into surrender, unveiling The Great City of Peralyth in all its glory, breathing life into the mystical lands beyond!
From the great Lighthouse of Time, a thunderous sound detonates, sweeping through the stone streets, shaking the people into life. It is like the sound of thundering horses and crashing hammers of an armory… Like that of beating faerie wings and whispering oceans…. Like many other things too powerfully wonderful to describe, all bound together with the tolling of the Clock-tower; Ethriel’s call to the light…
All who hear it leapt to their feet immediately. River Folk, Tree Dwellers, even Byzarians and Halfim… no one can slumber while the King calls. All awaken, and all rejoice.
Soon, the clocktower’s reverberation fades back unto itself, and the city comes alive with a thousand other sounds, the sounds of a city, of a kingdom, of a whole world teeming with vitality, and the sequence of the Daybreak Solstice is complete. Shard… has dawned.

“Dawn, oh, sweet dawn,” A poet breathes, scratching words into the parchment with his quill. He has been observing the whole thing since the very beginning, as one the few Shardians able to wake before first light, and writing since the glow began. With a dramatic swish of the pen, he inscribes his name at the bottom, rolls his work up into a scroll-like cylinder, and places it in his satchel. Swinging to his feet, he opens the triangular door, taking a moment to run his hand along the smooth, runic wood, and heads out of the observatory. He hurries down a few crooked corridors, through the living room, and out the front door. And he sets out for the palace.
The palace, the clocktower, the lighthouse, the epicenter of the world… the place where destinies are born, where his destiny would be born, and all would fall into place just as planned. The palace. He smiles.
“I’m coming”, he says.
And, nearby, in an alley, something, something sinister, lurks, watching all of this taking place, shivering, grinning hideously.

In Shard, nothing is as it seems.


-M.E.

Hey Dradian! Did we meet in the Welcome forums? I'm Stella, anyway, if we didn't, nice to meet you!

Okay, so here's how it works, I'll give you Nitpicks- little things that annoy me, specific issues that came to my attention and then my overall opinion. Right so...

I. NITPICKS

The world is drenched in a soft silky shadow, the pure, untainted darkness of the Daybreak Solstice.

The Daybreak Solstice? Pretty name, but confusing.

The sparks, the seeds of the light, have burst into a steady glow…..

They've burst then combined? Why do they go from plural to singular?

Okay...

II. CONFUSED

How did the poet wake up before the light? And what did the light have to do with it? Was the city under a Sleeping Beauty-esque spell? It just didn't make much sense. Perhaps it wasn't supposed to...

III. VOCABULARY

Here's a tip: when trying to reel someone into your story, sure, make the writing nice- this is very lyrical, but don't use big words for the simple fact you can use them. Like the "somnia" at the beginning. In this sense, another word, slumber or sleep, might be better... Just something for you to chew on.

IV. OVERALL

I really liked it actually, very tasteful, very pretty. There's not much I can complain about. Good job!

(By the way, there's no need to give me points like you said you might at the end of the piece, I'm grand knowing you're grateful).

Hope I helped and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

For a fourth time, light is seen. The sparks, the seeds of the light, have burst into a steady glow….. a small, frail, flickering thing… but spirited, all the same, and beautiful. Still, it grows, smoldering, breeding illumination. Soon, it has gone from candle to torch, burning with the deep red of the heart, throbbing, pulsating, planting luminescence in the depths of the darkness.

Way too much detail on light. Description boosts a story but as of yet there is no story and all this purple prose will turn the reader away before you introduce the story.

For that timeless moment, when the shadows weaken and fade, passing into oblivion like souls, and the glow, that numinous glow, grows in intensity, slowly… slowly, deepening, ever-deepening….
And then, in that moment…. blooming! Blooming into a magnificent radiance of shimmering light, crippling the darkness into surrender, unveiling The Great City of Peralyth in all its glory, breathing life into the mystical lands beyond!

I'll give you this you're descriptions are amazing. I can really see what you describe a problem I struggle with even now.


This was well written, but offers little in what you're story is about. Considering how short it is I'd say this is fine but you need to get to the point faster. The first sentence is a hook, but you stay on the description for too long.

None the less it was really good.

Hey Dradian ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer this afternoon.

Somnia.
The world is drenched in a soft silky shadow, the pure, untainted darkness of the Daybreak Solstice. The moon is hidden away in the clouds like a precious stone in a box, the stars have dwindled into nothingness, and all is still….

Okay, so first of all, I'll address the punctuation. This should be:
"The world is drenched in a soft, silky shadow; the pure, untainted darkness of the Daybreak Solstice. The moon is hidden away in the clouds like a precious stone in a box, the stars have dwindled into nothingness, and all is still..."
An ellipses only has 3 periods and you have a lot of run-on sentences.
On the flip side, you have good imagery ^^ There are a lot of newbies around here who have a problem with telling more than showing, but you don't However, in some situations, you seem to show too much in the way that you're packing many adjectives into a sentence and doing it for several paragraphs. I do like this introduction paragraph, though ^^

I also agree with Stella, I'm not exactly sure if this Daybreak Solstice is a bad thing because it sounds pretty good to me.

All is still. All is silent. The world is waiting…
Waiting….
And then– There… in the black… a glimmer of light…. Then another. And another…
Time seems to stop.

Since this is a novel, you don't need to put the words like this and you're also using ellipses too much. You can just keep it as:
"All is still. All is silent. The world is waiting.
Waiting,
And then, there in the black....a glimmer of light, and then another, and another. "

Something along the lines of that.

For a fourth time, light is seen. The sparks, the seeds of the light, have burst into a steady glow….. a small, frail, flickering thing… but spirited, all the same, and beautiful.

Should be:
"For a fourth time light is seen. The sparks, the seeds of light, have burst into a steady glow; a small, frail, flickering thing, but spirited all the same. "

I'd scrap the "and beautiful" because it makes the sentence too long andbreaks the flow. I like the literary devices here ^^

Still, it grows, smoldering, breeding illumination.

I love this line ^^

[s]Soon[/s] It has gone from candle to torch, burning with the deep red of the heart, throbbing, pulsating, planting luminescence in the depths of the darkness.

"Soon" is a future tense and "has gone" is past-tense.
Should be:
"It has gone from candle to torch, burning deep red of the heart;(not comma, semi-colon) throbbing, pulsating, planting luminescence in the depths of the darkness.

Houses, many sleepy houses and shops, loom into vision, solemn and silent in the shadowy streets of the city.

"Houses" is repetitive, so I suggest changing it to:
"Buildings, many sleepy houses and shops, loom into vision, solemn and silent in the shadowy streets of the city."

With the earth, they seem to wait… still waiting… and watching, alert in their anticipation…

You need to stop using ellipses so much because they're losing their effect on the story. Also, the tenses are wrong:
"With the earth they seem to wait, continue to wait, and watch, alert with their anticipation."

For that timeless moment, when the shadows weaken and fade, passing into oblivion like souls, and the glow, that numinous glow, grows in intensity, slowly… slowly, deepening, ever-deepening….

"Timeless moment" contradicts itself. You can't call a moment timeless because a moment is just a small fragment of time. Maybe moment that seemed timeless?
Again with the ellipses:
"For a moment that seemed to linger on, when the shadows weakened and faded, passing into oblivioon like souls, and the glow...that luminous glow grows in intensity, slowly deepening."
You don't need to repeat yourself so much because the effect is being overused.

And then, in that moment…. blooming!

You don't use exclamation points except in dialogue or thoughts, so it should be:
"And then, in that very moment, blooming."

Blooming into a magnificent radiance of shimmering light, crippling the darkness into surrender, unveiling The Great City of Peralyth in all its glory, breathing life into the mystical lands beyond!

To be honest, this is seriously really long. It would be better as (also with better punctuation):
"Blooming into a magnificent, radiant light, crippling the darkness into surrender, unveiling the Great City of Peralyth with all its glory, breathing life into the mystical lands and beyond."

From the great Lighthouse of Time, a thunderous sound detonates, sweeping through the stone streets, shaking the people into life. It is like the sound of thundering horses and [s]crashing hammers of an armory[/s]…. Like that of beating faerie wings and whispering oceans…. Like many other things too powerfully wonderful to describe, all bound together with the tolling of the Clock-tower; Ethriel’s call to the light…

Good imagery, but should be:
"From the Great Lighthouse of Time, a thunderous sound detonates, sweeping through the stone streets, shaking the people into life. Like the sound of thundering horses, like that of beating faerie wings and whispering oceans, like many other things beyond words, all bound together with the tolling of the clock-tower. Ethriel's call to the light.

All who hear it leapt to their feet immediately. River Folk, Tree Dwellers, even Byzarians and Halfim… no one can slumber while the King calls. All awaken, and all rejoice.
Soon, the clocktower’s reverberation fades back unto itself, and the city comes alive with a thousand other sounds, the sounds of a city, of a kingdom, of a whole world teeming with vitality, and the sequence of the Daybreak Solstice is complete. Shard… has dawned.

"All who heard it leapt to their feet immediately; river folk, tree dwellers, even Byzarians and Halfim. No one can slumber while the king calls. All awake and all rejoice.
Soon after, the clocktower's reverberation fades back unto itself and the city comes alive with a thousand other sounds. The sounds of a city, of a kingdom, of a whole world teeming with vitality. And thus, the sequence of the Daybreak Solstice is completed.

Shard has dawned."

“Dawn, oh, sweet dawn,” A poet breathes, scratching words into the parchment with his quill.

change to:
"Dawn, oh, sweet dawn," a poet breathes, scratching words onto the parchment with his quill."

He has been observing the whole thing since the very beginning, as one the few Shardians able to wake before first light, and writing since the glow began. With a dramatic swish of the pen, he inscribes his name at the bottom, rolls his work up into a scroll-like cylinder, and places it in his satchel. Swinging to his feet, he opens the triangular door, taking a moment to run his hand along the smooth, runic wood, and heads out of the observatory. He hurries down a few crooked corridors, through the living room, and out the front door. And he sets out for the palace.
The palace, the clocktower, the lighthouse, the epicenter of the world… the place where destinies are born, where his destiny would be born, and all would fall into place just as planned. The palace. He smiles.

Punctuation is off again and "dramatic" is more 1st person.

He has been observing the whole thing since the very beginning sa one of the few Shardians able to wake before first light. He has been writing since the glow began.
With a swish of the pen, he inscribes his name at the bottom, rolls his work up into a scroll-like cylinder, and places it in his satchel. Swinging to his feet, he opens the triangular door, taking a moment to run his hand along the smooth, runic wood before heading out of the observatory. He hurries down a few crooked corridors, through the living room, and out the front door. He sets out for the palace.

The palace, the clocktower, and the lighthouse all in the epicenter of the world; the place where destines were born, where his destiny would be born and all would fall into place.
He smiles"

-------------

Description: You have lovely imagery and description, but sometimes you silver-line it too much to a point where it gets boring and overused. Also, I noticed you only use the senses of sight and hearing in your description. Don't forget about fragrances and odors! Your description also lacks dimension in the way that the readers don't feel much connection with the main character. In other words, your imagery is overshadowing your characters and the real point of the story.

Plot: The whole thing with "lurking in the shadows" and a prophecy seems really, cliche. You have to be careful with prophecies because if you give out too much in the beginning, the reader won't really need to read the ending because they can already guess what'll happen. It's also not clear if the Daylight Solstice has already happened, or if it's going to happen, and what we're waiting for. We just know there's this writer guy and he's going to have an adventure in an epic place because there's a shadow somewhere.

Also, I'm not sure if the Daylight Solstice is good or bad. It sounds pretty nice, but you mention shadow a lot and then light, and then darkness, and then hope, and it's really confusing.

You need to focus and narrow it down a bit because you're being broad.

Overall, I really liked the imagery and description ^^

PM me if you have any questions.

-Shina




Hope you liked it... its the prologue (or something like that) to an epic fantasy novel I'm writing.
Any reviews, critique or such will be rewarded with many points and many thank-yous...

Oh, and sorry about the spacing, you can blame YWS for that, its not how it was originally.

-M.E.[/quote]