Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

Through death and destruction the feud continues.

My brother sat next to me at the table, tearing into the chicken our chef had prepared for us. My mother’s thin, pale lips were stained with red from the strawberry preserves and my father; my cruel, heartless father raised his wine glass to what he had done.

I sat at the table with my family, keeping my head turned away so no one would try to make conversation with me. My father boasted about how he burned some of the Rotan crops and even one of their village’s. I took a sip of my water to wash down the bile rising in my throat. How could my own father be so barbaric?

My chair screeched noisily as I stood at the table. My brother only gave me a warning glance. I pursed my lips. He knew exactly why I was angry and he couldn't care less.

“Gale dear,” my mother cautioned, widening her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

I could tell she wanted me to sit and by the look on my father’s face, he wasn’t happy about my outburst.

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s not like there was a village burned today or innocent people were killed,” I replied, through gritted teeth. I spun around, my dress flowing across the floor as I walked from the dining hall.

“Gale!” My father roared. I heard his cup hit the stone floor. He was very angry, but so was I.

I pulled up the hem of my dress and climbed the stairs to my room. I always loved that my room was right next to the stairwell and not down the hall. I could hear all the conversations from the kitchen and the dining hall. Today was a different story. I was almost certain that I didn’t want to hear what was going on down there right now.

I opened my door, making sure to lock it when I was inside. I looked to the ceiling and leaned against the red painted, wooden wall. I had lost my temper yet again. My father had already told me not to speak out at dinner. I was only a child to him. His daughter and nothing like James, his precious heir.

I tore off my gown, stripping until I was left in my undergarments. I searched my drawers for the silky pajama dress. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving my room anymore tonight.

I threw my robe on to hide my bare shoulders and arms and turned to the full sized golden mirror in the corner of my room. Outside the moon was just beginning to rise, the stars growing brighter and more abundant with each passing minute. I could see it all from my mirror. Everything except Ava.

I touched the smooth, water-like surface and so did the tiny, brunette girl in front of me. I ran my pale fingers down the glass and to the intricate designs running along its golden edge. It’s hard to imagine that my family actually crafted this with the Rotan’s. It was meant to create peace between our kingdoms, but obviously that didn’t quite work.

Through death and destruction the feud continues.

I sighed, turning away. There was no use thinking on the past. That was so long ago. Back to Ava’s age. I could only hope that James would be a better king than our father. To end the feud that had taken so many innocent lives.

“Gale,” a soft, melodic voice called. I smiled. It was about time she came.

“What kept you Ava?” I asked, spinning to the mirror once more, only this time I was greeted by a beautiful woman. She had golden hair, piled on top of her head that framed her pale heart-shaped face. Her very essence spoke of delicacy and royalty.

“I have other duties than just check up on you, dear,” she said, kindly. “Now tell me what I was called here for.”

“My father burned down one of the Rotan village’s today. There is no telling how many innocent lives were taken. Oh, Ava, please tell me how much longer this feud must last,” I begged.

“In due time,” Ava smiled, wearily. “You know you must be patient.”

“How can I?” I questioned. “You’ve helped other Mikulski’s and yet the feud still continues. Even you failed to gain peace between our families. What can I really do?”

“Patience, child!” Ava exclaimed. “Remember only a brave and curious ruler from the kingdom of Rotan united with the selfless and pure ruler from the kingdom of Mikulski can end the feud and bring peace between our families, once and for all.”

“James is far from selfless and pure,” I sighed. Ava laughed quietly.

“Work with him. James isn’t what you think he is. There are still so many things you have yet to understand.”

“Well, I really wish you would tell me, then,” I mumbled, grumpily. Ava smiled at my expression for a moment. I saw it in her face. Her eyes grew distant and far-away. I knew what this meant. She had to leave.

“Do you really have to go so soon?” I asked, my voice rising with my reluctance to let her disappear yet again.

“I’m sorry, Gale. I promise to be here early tomorrow. Right when you wake up,” Ava responded with a certain reluctance of her own. I nodded, but it was too late for her to see. Ava’s image had already faded from the mirror, leaving me to face my own sad reflection.

I crawled into bed. I could only hope to see Ava before my mother woke me for the chores. Tomorrow would be terrible. I would have to face my father and possibly his whip.

My head lay against my feather pillow and my eyes drooped. I knew I would have nightmares tonight. Probably about the Rotan village my father burned.

It’s almost funny. Through death and destruction the feud continues.

Hey Tiger ^^ Shina here, and this evening you shall get my first review as an instructor

Through death and destruction the feud continues.

This is a decent hook, an okay introductory line. It kind of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. Also, it's a bit flat. Try to add some emotion into this so it won't sound so passive. And also, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the following paragraph. The introductory line is supposed to open up the story, not sum up what happens.

My brother sat next to me at the table, tearing into the chicken our chef had prepared for us. My mother’s thin, pale lips were stained with red from the strawberry preserves and my father; my cruel, heartless father raised his wine glass to what he had done.

To me it just seems like your average family dinner. Brother stuffing his face, mom eating healthy, dad drinking too much one and toasting to whatever he "did". There's not much imagery here, so you might want to change that, Tiger. You're telling quite a bit when you should be showing the reader. Bring the five senses into the picture.
Perhaps the MC inhales the deep aroma of garlic from the chicken? And maybe these scents make his mouth water, and his eyes wide like a hungry dog's? Remember literary devices like similes, metaphors, and imagery

My mother’s thin, pale lips were stained with red from the strawberry preserves and my father; my cruel, heartless father raised his wine glass to what he had done.

This sentence needs rewording. It sounds like the MC's mom's lips were stained from strawberry preserves and his/her father. Also, since the mother's lips are stained, you don't really need to mention they're pale.
It should be:
"While my mother's thin lips were stained a shade of deep red from the strawberry preserves, my father raised his wine glass, not a single sign of guilt inching on brow, to what he had done."

I rewrote it a bit so it has more imagery. Use it as an example of how to show rather than tell.

I sat at the table with my family, keeping my head turned away so no one would try to make conversation with me.

The first part of the sentence is a repeat. You already said the MC was at the table. Also, the second part of is too tell-y.
Try: "I turned my head away from the others and only rarely opened my mouth in attempt to shrink away from their presence"

You don't always need to tell the readers why you're doing something or exactly what you're doing. Just give little clues and bits of information that implies those basic things.

It’s almost funny. Through death and destruction the feud continues.

Sometimes repeating a line is a clever way to start and end a chapter. However, that's only if the line is a cliffhanger. This line isn't a cliffhanger, and it seems ongoing.

Like, "Oh yeah, people are dying and there's destruction, but it's continuing. Mhmm. No biggy."

-----

And this is where I'll stop reading and doing line-by-line.

The problems I'm seeing here, Tiger, is your lack of literary devices and your bad habit of telling rather than showing. This good idea is hidden underneath a layer or dust, so we need to clean it off immeidately!

You need to use literary devices. No more telling, and more showing. That means imagery and the five senses as well as all those other literary devices. Start thinking about your stories and thinking with imagery sentences, and before you know it, you're writing will be all imagery Remember it's best to think in the way you want to sound!

Also, you need to learn how to begin with hook, and end with a cliffhanger. I can't get any references right now since it's midnight, but bascially, it's when you start with a question and end with a question. Not a real question with a question mark.

For example, I'll use a bit from Evi's short story "Watermelon Rinds"

The flower was drenched in teardrops.

This is her opening line. See how imagery is used here? Immediately the flower covered in teardrops comes to mind. The hook is simple: Why are there tears?

PM me if you have any questions and if you need any more help! Sorry it's a bit short =_=

-Shina

Through death and destruction the feud continues.

I disagree with Shina, I like this kind of opening. Short and catchy.

It’s almost funny. Through death and destruction the feud continues.

But I do agree here. I would remove the last sentence. "It's almost funny" is quite a good ending for this scene as it is. The repetition isn't brilliant.

I echo Shina's other points. You have a tendency to "follow up" your showing with horrible, ugly telling. "The father raised his wine glass.." is fine as it is but you tack..."to show what he has done"...on the end which ruins an otherwise nicely phrased piece. If you think of a story in terms of a film. In a film the camera shows character's expressions, the microphone picks up their voice intonation. We, as the viewer infer what the character's motives are THROUGH their expression and voice.

You as the writer are the director of your story. You need to pick up on expression, gesture and voice to give us the underlying meaning of the piece.

Adam.

Nicole!!! Sorry it took me so long, but apparently I wasn't 'watching' my Will Review for Food thread :S

Anywho, nit-pickys!

My chair screeched noisily as I stood at the table.

Comma after 'noisily'.

“Gale dear,” my mother cautioned, widening her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

Comma after 'Gale'. Also, I'm pretty sure the period after eyes should be a comma

Today was a different story. I was almost certain that I didn’t want to hear what was going on down there right now.

Why almost certain? If the conversation topic was the acts of her father which she despised, then why almost certain? Shouldn't she be certain? If you make this part a bit more clearer, it will be easier to understand. The 'right now' isn't needed. I advise you to cut it out, since it only makes it harder to read.

Outside the moon was just beginning to rise, the stars growing brighter and more abundant with each passing minute.

Comma after outside. Beautiful description ^^

“What kept you Ava?” I asked, spinning to the mirror once more, only this time I was greeted by a beautiful woman.

Comma before Ava.

“Remember only a brave and curious ruler from the kingdom of Rotan united with the selfless and pure ruler from the kingdom of Mikulski can end the feud and bring peace between our families, once and for all.”

Comma after remember. So, Gale is on the Mikulski kingdom, right?

I really liked this. It's quite interesting, and I'd like to read more of this. Your description and imagery is lovely, absolutely delightful. You hadn't any grammar errors, except for the few lacks of commas or so, and your plot sounds constant. There's only one thing:there's a lot of questions that remain in the air, about what's happening and the origins of such conflict. I advise you to add a bit more, and clear that out.
Other than that, it was a great read.

*Kat*

i thought it was good all together. good description. good plot. good theme. quite lovely.

I enjoyed reading your story Tiger, and I won't get into editing too much seeing as Kat, Shina, and Adam took care of that. I think your story needs a little more in the way of a setting description. I had trouble envisioning her surroundings as she moved from one area to the next. On the whole I didn't really have that good of an outline in my head of any of the characters. The only thing that set your story appart from a "royal family's night celebration with a disgruntled daughter" was the mirror. I think you should elaborate a bit on the Mirror and Ava. On the whole though I really liked reading it! Keep up the good work.
~Dakota