Young Writers Society

[deleted]

this is really good, but i think it goes on for way to long. and what exactly is this about is it about a girl painting?? this is good and i like your idea, but what do you mean by "it is just a broken crayon to fill fairy tale dreams" and "love beats me with flecks of gold" i am not understanding much of this.

Evi,

Ignore dogs.

I like what you're trying to do here, the exploration of the color palette in relation to emotional connections. Very clever. The length of the poem doesn't bother me in the least, though I think you can clarify and concentrate certain emotions that you feel by slimming down on the amount of colors you're writing about. The tone also seems to be relatively reserved, which I think actually takes away form what you want to be doing.

I like the contrast between the basic colors referencing simpler emotions to the use of gold, something much more grand, representing love. The image of gold flecks lost to the wind enters my mind, like idle love lost to the winds of time.

Your ending is very clean, but I feel it's missing something. Again, tone comes into play. Add some spice.

Enjoyable read though.


-PaperMoon

Evi! *chants* Hi! *waves*

I really liked this ^^ I gate it a gold star! *totally clicked it* I didn't review at first, because I must admit I was intimidated.

I only have two remotely bad things to point out:

you let me burn in your
blazing praise
and
blinding spotlight.

Your rhythm here slows really down, and your flow is off. If you add a couple more syllables, I think it'll do the trick

There's no capitalization anywhere throughout this. It really surprised me. Did you mean it that way for some special meaning?

Oh, Evi! I can't put to words how much this poem touched me. I can so relate to this!
I definitely do not think that it's way too long; it's lovely as it is. Your description, imagery and metaphors take my breath away.
In this moment, Evi, I envy you much more than what I should. If I only I could write like this!
No, please! Do not cut anything out!

Well, sorry for my non-so constructive review, but oh well.
*Kat*
P.S: I loved it

Hi Evi! June here!

Little note: Using the underscores in white shows on chimped out and on the homepage; instead to get those spaces, hold down ALT and press 255 on your numlock pad. (You may also notice that you don't need to edit out underscores...)

This was astonishingly well done, Evi. I didn't comment at first, because I have very little-- if anything at all to say on this. It was truly a wonderful masterpiece.

I love, love, love how you used the colors throughout this, Evi. It created such a vivid, exciting picture in my mind, with a hint of something not-so-happy to it. It's really an amazingly well done poem.

I have to say, the tone of this poem was very nice, almost weak as if the narrator of this is basically either calling herself or questioning herself a nobody-- really nicely done with that.


As for the ending, I liked it, but I felt it needed something a bit stronger to it. I'm not sure what exactly, but something that leaves us with a good feeling. ^_^

The length of it was perfect, Evi, as was the poem. Beautiful work here, Evilope.

June

Silly Evikins, thinking I'd pass up the opportunity to read some of her work and offer my comments. I know it's taken a while for me to stop by and take a look at this, but hopefully you can still use some of my feedback! Love you, CBF~ Here goes nothing. :]

I. Little Things


So, Evi, you have really good flow going in the first part of this poem, but I think this is the first part where it breaks down. Rather than sticking to the imagery and implying the emotions, you kind of come out and state the situation here, which really breaks up the lovely rhythm you had going with the reader. I would suggest trying to make this into some sort of simile, perhaps something about how turquoise and teal are close, but you're searching for the color in between?


I absolutely love the way you've formatted this. Rather than just saying 's t r e t c h', you've really brought us to see how it stretches. Other than that, though, I think you could just say 'horizon', because it's sort of implied that it's a line.


'Even' is a word that lessens the impact of sentences if not used correct {which is only when necessary}. That's what happens here. The sentence will have the same impact, if not a stronger one, if you write it as 'can you see the smear of scarlet/ that you left?'.

What do you mean by 'total lilac'? I'll speak about his more later in the color section under 'big things', but I feel like you just added in the adjective because the color, by itself, was not enough to make sense. oO; Unless you have some kind of meaning behind this, then, it really doesn't make sense at all, even for imagery purposes.

I think this is another part where the tone is broken, by directly addressing the other person involved in a very personal way {with the use of a pet name}. Keep it vague, like you did before, and take out 'darling'.


I think that rather than separating the stanzas this way, these three lines would go well together as one stanza. The single line break does enough to distinguish the ending declaration from the rest of the poem.

II. Big Things

-- Listing Colors

So I realize that colors are a huge part of this poem, but I don't know that you used them in the most advantageous way. I think you used too many of them, and listed some of them without any purpose at all. I liked the list of greens, because it added a type of rhythm to the poem, but after a few times of 'using' the colors to accomplish different things, it felt like you were reaching for the next one and pasting on the reason rather than finding the reason/the action and then putting in the color that matched it. This kind of blends in with the next point, though, so I'll stop here.

-- Cutting Stanzas

I do think that this poem gets just slightly repetitive, so you'll need to go through to find which elements of the relationship you really need to include and which are simply afterthoughts to match with colors. One section that I feel is completely unnecessary {which I'm sad about, because it's one that I enjoyed the rhythm of} is this one:

It is never elaborated on, and the colors do not complete the image or correlation.


This is another stanza that I think you could do without because the message of it doesn't fit with the others. You said in the 'white' stanza that you wanted to forget about the pain, but here you claim to want to cling to it. I suppose you should get rid of one or the other, but I think the 'white' one is much better written.

Also, the ending stanza that includes the phrase 'spectrum shades' is beautiful, but I think it's mostly because of that phrase.

This line lists colors with adjectives that have no purpose, which in turn leads to the colors having no purpose. I think you've listed enough colors in the rest of the poem and you're able to leave the specific mention of them out in this part of the poem.

Overall, Evi, I think this poem has potential, but you need to work on concentrating the message down to speak of exactly what you're trying to portray and work the colors around the message rather than vice versa.

PM me if you have any questions, okay, CBF? Love you! <3

-Hannah-