Young Writers Society

A/N: I like this story. But, I haven't submitted anything for it in awhile. So, if you want to scan through the other parts, go ahead. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Ryan watched his dad go and pressed his thumbs to his tear ducts, as if to prevent the tears from coming. He stood up and walked over to Lacy, who was talking to Grandma May. “Mom?” he tapped her on the back.
She turned around. “Yes, Ryan?” she asked.
Ryan motioned for her to follow him. “How long is this little get together?” he asked as they stood in the hallway.
“It will be over in about a half an hour,” Lacy told him. “Why?”
“Aiden doesn’t like it,” Ryan said. “He doesn’t think its right. He thinks this is a party and that it’s stupid.”
“Oh.” Lacy’s face fell. “I guess I could ask everybody to leave. But, I’d rather not be rude.”
“I was just saying,” Ryan retorted.
Lacy’s eyes widened and she scowled. “You don’t have to snap at me. I just said I don’t want to send everyone off.”
“I know, sorry,” Ryan muttered. “Aren’t you at all worried about him, though? He’s really, really upset.”
“I know, Ry. Of course I’m worried about him. But, he just needs time; we all do.” Lacy placed her hand on his shoulder. “He’ll be okay.”
Everybody was telling him that Aiden was going to be fine. But, did they ever ask Aiden how he felt? Ryan had no idea what it would be like to watch someone get run over by a car. He assumed other people didn’t either. “Yeah.” Ryan sighed and walked away.
***
After everyone left, Ryan realized he hadn’t seen Aiden since he left earlier. He wandered down the hallway and knocked on Aiden’s shut door.
When no answer came, he cracked it open. The shades were drawn, but the light was on. The first thing he saw was Landon’s bed. It was left unmade, as if Landon would crawl into it. Nobody bothered to make it, they couldn’t do it.
Ryan opened the door wider and walked inside. Aiden was lying on his own bed, sleeping. He was still wearing the clothes he wore to the funeral; one off his arms dangled off the side of his bed.
Weakly, Ryan smiled and walked out of the room, turning off the light and shutting the door behind him. He wandered into his own bedroom. It was cluttered, the walls an off white color. The shades were closed, giving the room darkness. He flipped on his light, the bed was left unmade and clothes were strewn across the carpeting.
He opened his closet and grabbed some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He put them on and grabbed his laptop from his desk. Slowly, he walked over to his bed and sat down. The laptop hummed to life as he turned it on. Immediately an instant message popped up from his girlfriend, Katie.
Hey, how are you? She asked.
Fine, he replied and brushed his hair out of his eyes.
Wasn’t your brother’s funeral today? she asked.
Yeah.
How was it? she questioned.
Don’t want to talk about it.
Oh, fine… she typed.
XxKatezxX has signed off at 8:43 p.m.
Ryan sighed and walked over to his desk, she always took things so personally. He sat down at his desk and stared down at the homework Katie brought for him while he was gone. His mom would probably make him go to school the next day, so he decided he might as well finish it.
He was half way through his English assignment when he heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he muttered, loud enough for the person to hear.
He turned around as the door opened and Aiden stood before him. “Hey,” Ryan said to him.
Aiden just nodded and took a few steps into the room. “What’s up?” Ryan asked.
“I can’t sleep,” he murmured.
“You were just sleeping,” Ryan said with a small chuckle.
“I can’t fall back asleep,” Aiden corrected himself.
“Oh,” Ryan swallowed and glanced towards his own bed. “Well, you can stay in here. Then when I go to bed, you can go back in your own room.”
Aiden didn’t reply, he walked over to Ryan’s bed and sat down. “So, uh, how are you?” Ryan asked nervously, wondering why he would ask the question.
Aiden leaned back on the bed and didn’t reply. He was probably sick of getting asked that question. Ryan coughed awkwardly and turned back to his homework. As he stared down at the worksheet, he questioned Aiden. “Don’t you want to change?”
“I don’t want to go back in there,” Aiden whispered.
Ryan swiveled around in his chair to face Aiden. “Why not?”
“Everything in there reminds me of him,” his voice was shaking; his hands trembled.
Ryan stood up, “Oh.” He was unsure of what to say to comfort his little brother. “Well, you could borrow something of mine,” he murmured. He stood up and started rummaging through his dresser drawers. “Since you’re so short, it might not fit too well. But, it should be good enough.” He threw Aiden a pair of black basketball shorts, and a blue t-shirt. “These are kind of small on me.”
“Thanks,” Aiden murmured.
“Ryan!” Lacy called. “Come out here!” Ryan sighed and held up a finger to Aiden.
He ran down the hallway and into the kitchen. The dark, night sky was pouring through the windows. He sat down across from his mom at the circular kitchen table. “Yeah?”
“Would you be okay with school tomorrow? I just…I don’t want you to get too far behind,” she asked him.
“Yeah, I’ll go. Is Shay going?” he questioned, knowing they went to the High School together; Aiden was stuck in the middle school.
“Yeah, I already talked to her about it. Um, do you think I should let Aiden stay home?” she said.
Of course you should, Ryan thought. “He saw someone get hit by a car,” Ryan murmured.
“I know that, but do you think I should let him stay home? At least for a few more days?” she asked.
“Yes, but I think you should ask him,” Ryan said.
Lacy sighed. “I’ll ask him in the morning. He can always go in late if he decides to go.”
Ryan nodded, stood up, and retreated back to his room. “Hey, Aid?” But, Aiden was already sleeping. He had made his way up to Ryan’s pillow and had one hand curled under his cheek. His breathing was even. Ryan didn’t want to disturb his few hours of peace.

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:Ryan watched his dad go and pressed his thumbs to his tear ducts, as if to prevent the tears from coming. He stood up and walked over to Lacy, who was talking to Grandma May. “Mom?” he tapped her on the back.
She turned around. “Yes, Ryan?” she asked.
Ryan motioned for her to follow him. “How long is this little get together?” he asked as they stood in the hallway.
“It will be over in about a half an hour,” Lacy told him. “Why?”
“Aiden doesn’t like it,” Ryan said. “He doesn’t think its right. He thinks this is a party and that it’s stupid.”
“Oh.” Lacy’s face fell. “I guess I could ask everybody to leave. But, I’d rather not be rude.”
“I was just saying,” Ryan retorted. This retort doesn't seem to fit this situation. Maybe something more like, "Well it was just a suggestion," would be more fitting.
Lacy’s eyes widened and she scowled. “You don’t have to snap at me. I just said I don’t want to send everyone off.”
“I know, sorry,” Ryan muttered. “Aren’t you at all worried about him, though? He’s really, really upset.”
“I know, Ry. Of course I’m worried about him. But, he just needs time; we all do.” Lacy placed her hand on his shoulder. “He’ll be okay.”
Everybody was telling him that Aiden was going to be fine. But, did they ever ask Aiden how he felt? Ryan had no idea what it would be like to watch someone get run over by a car. This sentence is very blunt. I know you're trying to convey something traumatic, so phrase it a little more deeply. Something like, "Ryan had no idea what it would be like to watch someone you loved be killed." Well, maybe not that exactly, but you get what I mean, right? He assumed other people didn’t either. “Yeah.” Ryan sighed and walked away.
***
After everyone left, Ryan realized he hadn’t seen Aiden since he left earlier. He wandered down the hallway and knocked on Aiden’s shut door.
When no answer came, he cracked it open. The shades were drawn, but the light was on. The first thing he saw was Landon’s bed. It was left unmade, as if Landon would crawl into it. Nobody bothered to make it; they couldn’t do it. Added a semicolon.
Ryan opened the door wider and walked inside. Aiden was lying on his own bed, sleeping. He was still wearing the clothes he wore to the funeral; one off his arms dangled off the side of his bed.
Weakly, Ryan smiled and walked out of the room, turning off the light and shutting the door behind him. He wandered into his own bedroom. It was cluttered, the walls an off-white color. Hyphen The shades were closed, giving the room darkness. 'Darkening the room' sounds better here. He flipped on his light: the bed was left unmade and clothes were strewn across the carpeting. Colon
He opened his closet and grabbed some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He put them on and grabbed his laptop from his desk. 'Grabbed' is kind of redundant, so you might want to change one of them. Slowly, he walked over to his bed and sat down. The laptop hummed to life as he turned it on. Immediately, an instant message popped up from his girlfriend, Katie. Comma
Hey, how are you? She asked.
Fine, he replied and brushed his hair out of his eyes.
Wasn’t your brother’s funeral today? she asked.
Yeah.
How was it? she questioned.
Don’t want to talk about it.
Oh, fine… she typed.
XxKatezxX has signed off at 8:43 p.m.
Ryan sighed and walked over to his desk. She always took things so personally. He sat down at his desk You already said desk, so you don't have to repeat it. and stared down at the homework Katie brought for him while he was gone. His mom would probably make him go to school the next day, so he decided he might as well finish it.
He was halfway through his English assignment when he heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he muttered, loud enough for the person to hear.
He turned around as the door opened and Aiden stood before him. “Hey,” Ryan said to him.
Aiden just nodded and took a few steps into the room. “What’s up?” Ryan asked.
“I can’t sleep,” he murmured.
“You were just sleeping,” Ryan said with a small chuckle.
“I can’t fall back asleep,” Aiden corrected himself.
“Oh,” Ryan swallowed and glanced towards his own bed. “Well, you can stay in here. Then when I go to bed, you can go back in your own room.”
Aiden didn’t reply; he just walked over to Ryan’s bed and sat down. “So, uh, how are you?” Ryan asked nervously, wondering why he would ask the question. You might want to say something like, "immediately regretting his question," so it sounds more like he didn't think about that till after he said it.
Aiden leaned back on the bed and didn’t reply. He was probably sick of getting asked that question. Ryan coughed awkwardly and turned back to his homework. As he stared down at the worksheet, he questioned Aiden. “Don’t you want to change?”
“I don’t want to go back in there,” Aiden whispered.
Ryan swiveled around in his chair to face Aiden. “Why not?”
“Everything in there reminds me of him.” His voice was shaking; his hands trembled.
Ryan stood up, “Oh.” He was unsure of what to say to comfort his little brother. “Well, you could borrow something of mine,” he murmured. He stood up and started rummaging through his dresser drawers. “Since you’re so short, it might not fit too well. But, it should be good enough.” He threw Aiden a pair of black basketball shorts, and a blue t-shirt. “These are kind of small on me.”
“Thanks,” Aiden murmured.
“Ryan!” Lacy called. “Come out here!” Ryan sighed and held up a finger to Aiden.
He ran down the hallway and into the kitchen. The dark night sky was pouring through the windows. No comma He sat down across from his mom at the circular kitchen table. “Yeah?”
“Would you be okay with school tomorrow? I just…I don’t want you to get too far behind,” she asked him.
“Yeah, I’ll go. Is Shay going?” he questioned, knowing they went to the High School together; Aiden was stuck in the middle school.
“Yeah, I already talked to her about it. Um, do you think I should let Aiden stay home?” she said.
Of course you should, Ryan thought. “He saw someone get hit by a car,” Ryan murmured.
“I know that, but do you think I should let him stay home? At least for a few more days?” she asked.
“Yes, but I think you should ask him,” Ryan said.
Lacy sighed. “I’ll ask him in the morning. He can always go in late if he decides to go.”
Ryan nodded, stood up, and retreated back to his room. “Hey, Aid?” But, Aiden was already sleeping. He had made his way up to Ryan’s pillow and had one hand curled under his cheek. His breathing was even. Ryan didn’t want to disturb his few hours of peace.

I read 1.2 to this, and I'm assuming there is a 1.1, too, and maybe just a 1, but I have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Now, I'm not sure if you're intending this to be a short story, or a novel, or just some free writing, so I can't say much about where the plot is going. However, I think, should you continue this plot, you can get some good story out of it. Now for the nitpicking.

I edited all of your punctuation and grammatical errors above, and since I wasn't sure you'd notice where I changed the punctuation, I made a note at the end of the sentence I modified. On the whole, you just need to work a bit on your comma placement, but other than that, you're good.

I was a little confused as to why you called the mom Lacy, but then had Ryan call her Mom. Since the story is from the kids' point of view, I think you can just refer to her as his mom, especially since you say "his dad." Consistency prevents confusion!

One other small thing I was wondering about: It seems that Landon's death really is hitting Aiden hard (obviously), but I really couldn't get a feel for any of the other characters' emotion over the event, accept concern for Aiden. As Landon's parents and siblings, I felt they should show some more emotion, to make this piece more believable.

I think this story has great potential, if you keep writing on it, and I think you have some great writing skill; you just need to hone it a little more. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work!

Alright. Here I am, as requested! (: Chips has already gotten to all the good stuff so I'll ell you what I think you need to work on. (:

One. You repeated thing so much. Chips pointed out the main things, like when you used Dad or desk multiple times. Also, you use things like, 'He said' or 'He sighed.' Try to find other things. I saw you did that sometimes, but I just found that repetitive all the same.

Two. There is a lack of emotion where you could do so much with it. Descibe it a little. For example, when he's talking to Katie you don't really give much away about how he's feeling. Talk about how her signing off so soon irratated him or hurt him. Or when he was talking about his father and the death you just say he sighs and goes along with whatever. Talk about how thi death really effect him besides the fact that it's 'hard on all of them.'

I agree with Chips. This story has potential and I really like it, but it needs a little work. These are just suggestions. (: Ignore them if you wish.

~Nicole