Young Writers Society

Hey everyone! This is for this contest right here: The Monster Is Back Contest!
Do me a small favor and rip this to shreds, yeah? I want to win.
Part Two will probably be up by Wednesday or Thursday.

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The Monster Under My Bed Part One

"Time for bed."

Those three words I feared the most. I hated bed time. Hated it so much. Not because I couldn't watch anymore cartoons, not because I had to go to sleep, but because of the monster under my bed.
I always tried to stall. I tried anything so I wouldn't have to walk up to my room alone. "My tummy feels weird" or "but I'm not tired", lines were used, along with many others. But nothing worked.

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas and my waist length light blonde hair back in a ponytail.

Mommy kissed me goodnight. "Sleep well, sweetheart. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

It wasn't the bed bugs I was scared of.

She turned off the light and went to close the door when I heard the sound. The familiar sound of the monster under my bed. It sounded like a rumbling tummy, growling dogs and crackling dead leaves all mushed into one scary sound and it seemed like I was the only one who could hear it.

"Wait, Mommy! You forgot my nightlight!" Sometimes my nightlight made the monster much less scary. I always had to have it on. Always, just for that reason.

"Oops, you're right, I did." Mommy came back into the room, went over to my dresser and turned it on. Instantly, the room was filled with a soft blue light, making the dark room seem much less scary. She gave me one more kiss on the forehead and headed toward the door.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Annabelle?"

"Look for the monster," I told her. "He's there, Mommy. I can hear him."

"Annabelle, honey, you do this every night. Listen to me, sweetie." She came back into my room and sat at the edge of my bed. "It's just your imagination. I promise you, there are no monsters under your bed."

I bit my lip. I could tell he was listening to us talk and it made me nervous. "Please, Mommy."
Sighing once again, she got on her knees on the floor and looked under my bed. "Nothing there, Anna dear. Now please go to sleep."

I nodded and let her go. She turned off my light once more, shut my door so it was only a crack open and left.

I knew she was mad at me, but I couldn't help it. Every night he was there, waiting for Mommy or Daddy to leave so he could get me. I didn't know why, but only I could see and hear him. Only I could fear him. He was there for me and me alone. I always had Mommy or Daddy check for me so maybe they could catch him and make him go away. But they never could.

Turning on my side, I tried to ignore the sound the monster was making. I squeezed my eyes shut, put a pillow over my ears; nothing worked to keep out the sound.

And I felt it. That feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. How the room suddenly gets cold, you break out in a feverish sweat and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
I drew in a shaky breath and squeezed my eyes even tighter; as tight as they would go. Count to five and it'll go away, I told myself.

One. Everything went quiet. I couldn't hear Mommy and Daddy talking anymore.

Two. The sounds got louder. People shrieking and moaning in pain were added. A small chuckle.

Three. I turned around to face the monster, my eyes still shut tight. I could do this. I was going to fight the monster and win.

Four. I saw a shadow through my eyelids. A hand reaching out to me.

Five. I opened my eyes and screamed bloody murder.

XxXxXxXxX

And Part One is done.
Pleasepleaseplease rip this to shreds.

Oh, and for any confusion that may occur, Annabelle at this point is about 6 years old or so.

Hiii~ :D

Those three words were the words I feared the most.

You've got a little bit of repitition there.

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas and my waist length light blonde hair back in a ponytail.

Is this detail really needed? If it isn't directly linked to the story you should probably just nix it.

It wasn't the bed bufs I was scared of.

Typo.

With regards to the countdown, it might be worth putting the numbers into italics.


One thing that you might want to look at is Annabelle's language, as some of it doesn't really seem to be the sort of thing a six year-old would say.

Another thing is her mother's attitude. She doesn't really seem to make a big deal of it, and seems to treat the fear as if it's more of a nuisance. She could at least play along a little, all the sighing makes her seem really exasperated. I also would have though that in that sort of situation, they might give her a night-light as that sort of thing can often help kids that don't like bumps and sounds in the night; I know I used to have one when I was a little kid.

This is pretty interesting, though. Let me know when you post the second part!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions and whatnot, I'm sure you know the drill.

Tinny!

O hai.

This is cute!

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas and my waist length light blonde hair back in a ponytail.

We don't need to know all this blurb. Bright orange covers, yes, Tinkerbell pajamas add a nice touch, but the bit about her hair is too much. Take out the hair description and it'll be better.

Mommy kissed me goodnight. "Sleep good, sweetheart. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"Sleep good"? Sleep well sounds more natural.

I bit my lip. I could tell he was listening to our conversation and it made me nervous. "Please, Mommy."

"Coversation" seems too mature for a six-year old. "Listening to us talk", or something, perhaps?

I knew she was mad at me, but I couldn't help it.

She didn't seem mad. A little frustrated perhaps, but definitely not mad.

And I felt it. That feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. How the room suddenly gets cold, you break out in a feverish sweat and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

This entire chunk seems really, really out of character-voice. It's too mature, it's you as the author wanting us to get Annabelle's feelings, not Annabelle telling us that herself. I'd take it out, but if you can reword it, make it more six-year-old-ish, that would work too.

Five. I opened my eyes and screamed bloody murder.

While I really like the countdown -- it really creates tension while staying in the voice -- I always think that "screaming bloody murder" has rather sarcastic undertones. It's like something that an older person might say, describing an incident that they're slightly embarrassed about, you know?


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This is very good and I hope you do well in the contest!

Eeek! Sorry, I know I shouldn't have been hiding under the bed, but I couldn't resist.

Anything to make me not go up there alone, I tried.

This reads so clumsily. Try: “I tried anything so I wouldn’t have to walk up there alone.” (Also, where is “there”? I’m guessing to the character’s room, correct? If so, change “there” to “my room” or “the staircase”)

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas and my waist length light blonde hair back in a ponytail.

This is just unwanted and unneeded information. Sure, you can tell us that she is tucked in tightly but do we really need to know the colors of her covers. The pajama pattern, smash it with a sledgehammer, the hair bit, burn it to bits. We don’t need to know it, so don’t tell us.

It sounded like a rumbling tummy, growling dogs and crackling dead leaves all mushed into one scary sound and it seemed like I was the only one who could hear it.

Repetition!

SCARY!
Obviously, the character is young, but the word scary comes up a lot throughout the story and you’re going to want to find some new words to spice things up.

Style and Tone
Okay, obviously this is being told from the perspective of a little girl but don’t go too over-board. You’re still going to want connect with your readers who probably aren’t six.

Character
She seems flat to me. I know she’s only six, but what type of six year old is she. We know so little about her. Is she a girly girl, does she like to play in the mud, does she ride a blue bike or a pink bike. We need to at least have some idea of who she is, even if she is only six. Perhaps give us these details by better describing her going to bed routine. I know I had one when I was that age. I had my Power Ranger toothbrush and an obsessive need to brush my hair before bed. Details will make Annabelle’s fears seem more real.

The Idea
I do like the idea of the monster under the bed and it’s one that has largely been forgotten I think, even if I do still tell my little nephew that El Chupacabra lives in my room so he will stay out. But these days, I think the idea of a monster under the bed has been lost and I’m glad you brought it back. Just remember execution. A good idea will only get you so far. If you want the story to be great, it has to be written spectacularly. Remember that, and you’ll do great.

~lilymoore

Hey Phantom! I can't really see many things that could be improved, I think the previous reviews pointed out the important ones but I'll see if I can spot a couple of little things

"My tummy feels weird" or "but I'm not tired", were used, along with many others

I'd maybe add 'lines' either before 'used' or after 'others'.

Always, just for that reason.

Instead of saying 'just for that reason', it might be better to repeat the reason just to emphasise the fear, like saying 'always, just to keep him away from me.' or anything like that.

He was there for me and me only

Just me being very picky but I think this sentence might sound better rephrased in one of two ways, either as 'he was there for me and only me' or 'he was there for me and me alone'.

I saw a shadow from behind my eyelids. A hand reaching out to me.

behind your eyelids made me think of being on the other side to what you mean, maybe saying that she saw a shadow through her eyelids or on the other side of her eyelids would work better?

Overall: I thought this was a really sweet piece! I could really feel the tension towards the end and I thought you managed to get across a childlike fear and feeling towards the situation through your character- good work!

I agree with what the other reviews have said about adding some more individual details to the little girl as I think she could do with being made a bit more personal to the reader. Something I thought that could be improved upon a bit though would be to add more about how the mother sounds and acts- I would kind of think of her being exasperated but maybe putting this into how her speech sounds to show she is getting annoyed would further make clear how often she has to do this to reassure her daughter. The same with the little girl really in showing how scared she is in her voice- perhaps squeaking a little or something like that.

I like how you have shown the monster so far in describing the awful sounds it makes (I loved the idea of crackling leaves growling dogs and rumbling tummies being all mushed together! ) but I think you could show a couple of other things to make her fear seem all the more real. You do well in general in appealing to the readers senses but I think it could help to describe the scene to add in the smell of the monster and perhaps the taste it leaves in her mouth as you could use this to show further how terrible the monster is.

I really enjoyed this and am looking forward to reading more! All my comments are just suggestions and I hope I've helped

"Time for bed."

Those three words I feared the most.

My initial reaction was to think this might sound better as 'Those were the three words I feared the most'. But after re-reading it, it's okay. Just not how I would phrase it. =P

Lines like "My tummy feels weird" or "But I'm not tired" were used, along with many others. But nothing ever worked.

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas with my waist length light blonde [Not sure if this should 'blond', but my spell checker suggests it should be] hair back in a ponytail.

It wasn't the bed bugs I was scared of.

She turned off the light and went to close the door when I heard the sound. The familiar sound of the monster under my bed. [This sounds almost redundant since you just said 'the sound'] It sounded like a rumbling tummy, growling dogs and crackling,[there should be a comma here] dead leaves all mushed into one scary sound and it seemed like I was the only one who could hear it.

"Wait, Mommy! You forgot my nightlight!" [How does she say this? Panicked? Quickly?] Sometimes my nightlight [Again, my spell checker suggests this should be 'night light'] made the monster much less scary. I always had to have it on. Always, just for that reason. [Again, the repetition sounds a bit redundant to me. But maybe you want that insistance for a reason]

Turning on my side, I tried to ignore the sound the monster was making. I squeezed my eyes shut, put a pillow over my ears; but nothing worked to keep out the sound.

And I felt it. That feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. How the room suddenly gets cold, you break out in a feverish sweat and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

I drew in a shaky breath and squeezed my eyes even tighter; as tight as they would go. Count to five and it'll go away, I told myself.

One. Everything went quiet. I couldn't hear Mommy and Daddy talking anymore.

Two. The sounds got louder. People shrieking and moaning in pain were added. A small chuckle.

Three. I turned around to face the monster, my eyes still shut tight. I could do this. I was going to fight the monster and win.

Four. I saw a shadow through my eyelids. A hand reaching out to me.

Five. I opened my eyes and screamed bloody murder.

"Time for bed."

Those three words I feared the most.

My initial reaction was to think this might sound better as 'Those were the three words I feared the most'. But after re-reading it, it's okay. Just not how I would phrase it. =P

Lines like "My tummy feels weird" or "But I'm not tired" were used, along with many others. But nothing ever worked.

I was tucked into my bright orange covers, in my Tinkerbell pajamas with my waist length light blonde [Not sure if this should 'blond', but my spell checker suggests it should be] hair back in a ponytail.

It wasn't the bed bugs I was scared of.

She turned off the light and went to close the door when I heard the sound. The familiar sound of the monster under my bed. [This sounds almost redundant since you just said 'the sound'] It sounded like a rumbling tummy, growling dogs and crackling,[there should be a comma here] dead leaves all mushed into one scary sound and it seemed like I was the only one who could hear it.

"Wait, Mommy! You forgot my nightlight!" [How does she say this? Panicked? Quickly?] Sometimes my nightlight [Again, my spell checker suggests this should be 'night light'] made the monster much less scary. I always had to have it on. Always, just for that reason. [Again, the repetition sounds a bit redundant to me. But maybe you want that insistance for a reason]

Turning on my side, I tried to ignore the sound the monster was making. I squeezed my eyes shut, put a pillow over my ears; but nothing worked to keep out the sound.

And I felt it. That feeling you get when you think someone is watching you. How the room suddenly gets cold, you break out in a feverish sweat and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

I drew in a shaky breath and squeezed my eyes even tighter; as tight as they would go. Count to five and it'll go away, I told myself.

One. Everything went quiet. I couldn't hear Mommy and Daddy talking anymore.

Two. The sounds got louder. People shrieking and moaning in pain were added. A small chuckle.

Three. I turned around to face the monster, my eyes still shut tight. I could do this. I was going to fight the monster and win.

Four. I saw a shadow through my eyelids. A hand reaching out to me.

Five. I opened my eyes and screamed bloody murder.

Great. I'm late as always. ): Sorry it took me so long and it seems that everyone else got all the good stuff, but I will try to give you a decent reveiw. Here goes.

I liked this. I loved your description. That was definetly your strongest point. You made your character really young and frightened and I know it reminded me of the time I was little and afraid of the monster in my closet, or under the bed. (:

Now for the things you need to work on. Your emotions were limited. I know that Anna feels scared but...what else? Is she only frightened. Yes, this is a short peice, but I didn't feel anything towards her. You could talk about other characteristics she has or maybe even talk about what her mom means to her. Like how she feels betrayed that her mom dosen't believe her about the monster? Something like that.

I can't wait to read more. Would you PM me when part two is up? It may already be up, I'm not sure. (: This is prety good.

~Nicole

If you want us to really feel the fear, to feel like we're the child on the bed, you're going to have to delve deeper. A lot deeper.

Lines like "I tried anything so I wouldn't have to walk up to my room alone. "My tummy feels weird" or "but I'm not tired", lines were used, along with many others. But nothing worked." aren't very good. They summarize, generalize. You need to focus in on the moment. Who cares what she used to do? What is she doing this particular time - that's what we want to know. Then hint that she always does it by having her mother sigh.

And you're working with fear here - what comes along with fear? A pounding heart that physically hurts. Clenched muscles. Cold sweat. Your senses heighten - what do the blankets feel like? What's the slant of light look like? Does she hear the monster under her bed - what's it sound like?

Also, that's a very easy way to heighten our fear. At first, let us be aware of everything. The parents watching tv and eating down the hall. Let us be aware of the light, the conversation, the smells. Then slowly make it fade. Focus in on the monster until we aren't even aware of the parents in the background. It's like a movie. =]

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415