Unnamed

The words are escaping,
They’re flying away.
I can’t find the rhythm,
Or what to say.

They pound in my head,
A discord of drums.
Wait for inspiration,
Wait ‘till it comes.

Pen scratches the surface,
Of a secret creation.
Feel the anger,
And sense the frustration.

The letters line up,
The meaning’s obscure.
The character’s unsound,
The writing unsure.

The pen stops,
The words ring untrue,
At the bottom; three smudged words,
I Love You.

Nicely done. The rhyme actually worked, and that's a rarity nowadays. The ending, of course, owns the entire thing, so it's hard for me to really look at the rest of it when the ending really says it all..

But otherwise, the imagery, the descriptions, they worked like a charm. I'm afraid that's all I've got mate. Sorry, but you did splendidly here.

I am speechless haha. This was amazing! I can't think of anything bad to say.

Wow, Krupp's right! A poem that has a rhyme scheme and an actual rhythm? That is a rarity. So well done, just for that.

I have to say I don't understand the end. It's certainly powerful, but are "I love you" the words that are untrue? I think the third line of the last stanza is also too long, and you don't need the semicolon, probably just a comma.

Sorry this is so short, I have to go eat dinner.

Bravo!
Rachel

I like the flow of it, kept me from having to double back in order to get a clear picture of how it's supposed to sound.

the story within the work itself was pretty straightforward and kept itself on it's own path all the way through.

Well planned out and put together nicely.

Definately a star.

The ending came off a liittle typical, but then again I'ts probably just me.

Keep it up!

Hey there, Aquamarine! June here, your reviewer for the moment.

I have to agree with Krupp; it is indeed a rarity to find rhyme and rhythm executed well like this.

At the end, when you say The words ring untrue, it's easy to become confused. I'm not sure if by this you mean that the character is just assuming that they love someone, and it's not true, or if all of the words that were attempted to be written are nonexistant/untrue-- it's not a major thing, but it just stuck out to me.

Also! Your second-to-last line is long. I don't think having the complex line here is working, dear. I feel that you can drop either the first or the second part of it, still achieve the same meaning, and have your rhythm uninterrupted. For now, it seems pretty staggered.

Cliche ending or not, this poem was wonderful in all it's rhythmic glory. Keep it up! I'd love to see more rhymes from you.

Juniper

(*sigh* it's been a while since I last on this website)

this rings true to any writer who has ever written an emotionally charged compsition.

the rhyme is functioning properly, the verses are screwed in correctly and the engine of the poem has gentle yet forlorn hum.

"I question the ignition, not the key"

Thanks guys!

I totally agree about the cliched ending. It was my first idea for the last stanza and when i read it over i thought exactly the same thing. I spent quite a bit of time trying to think up another ending but none of the fitted in with my rhyme and rhythm or just didn't fit in. So in the end i just stuck with this. I'll carry on tinkering though . . .
X

Wow... I really loved your poem!
But I don't get one part.

"The character's unsound,"

What does that exactly mean?

Other than that, this poem is really lovely.

I like it!!! Good job! it really flows and sounds good! It has a good idea to it and is put

together nicely!



Thanks for sharing!











God bless.











"They can because they think they can."

AquaMarine27 wrote:The words are escaping,
[Get rid of the space here]They’re flying away.
I can’t find the rhythm,
Or what to say.

They pound in my head,
A discord of drums.
Wait for inspiration,
Wait ‘till it comes.[Maybe 'They wait for inspiration, They wait 'till it comes?' It's fine the way it is thought, just an idea]

Pen scratches the surface,
Of a secret creation.
Feel the anger,
And sense the frustration.

The letters line up,
The meaning’s obscure.
The character’s unsound,
The writing unsure. [I liked this stanza the best!]

The pen stops,
The words ring untrue,
At the bottom; three smudged words:[Colon here, I think]
I Love You.

Again, no read advice on how to change this beyond punctuation. I like the way your poems sound quite a lot, and I think the words are well chosen. ^_^ I liked it! Very nice poem.

^_^ Keek!