Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

Can I call you friend?



Crackles, swirls, and when I flip the burning leaves, the fiery splints dance[s]s[/s] along (I'm not sure about along as I would think the splints were inside the flame, maybe within?) the flame. Tonight's not windy, something the local people say only happens when it's a full moon. I look up, but the black clouds are too thick to [s]give out[/s] let through (This might be better as it's not really the clouds giving the light but the sun) any light. Tonight, the only light in this empty grassland is this bonfire, so warm and so comforting among the cold evening air. I'm alone, sitting while resting my head on my knees.

The color of your eyes used to shine as bright as that flame, but now it looks dead; red and damp. (Are you talking about her eyes here or the flame? It comes across to me like you were talking about eyes but then it doesn't fit. Here's a way you could write this sentence if you were referrring to the fire-
The brightness of the flame used to shine like the colour of your eyes, but now it looks dead; red and damp)

"I know. I guess it's more fit to compare it to blood rather than fire now right?" I replied, a stupid one that is. (Do you mean her reply is stupid? If so, I'd maybe just say supidly as its a bit confusing written like this )

You shouldn't be too desperate like that. Good things will happen if you [s]be[/s] stay strong.

"I'm ok, Raziel. I don't feel like talking to you right now," I said, throwing myself back facing upwards. (I think you could show this action better by just saying she threw herself onto her stomach maybe.)

Why?

"Because right now I'm dying to ask you to look at how my brother's going, but I know you can't tell me anything because you're forbidden to do so," I tried to sound angry, desperate, and pleasing (Do you mean pleading here? I think that would fit better.) at the same time, hoping this angel [s]can[/s] could (I'm not completely sure about this but could just seemed to sound right instead of can ) be corrupt once in a while.

Oh. That's right.

"..."

What?

"Sometimes I wonder why I'm able to talk to you. I don't see the point," I sighed.

Yes, I wonder why too. Usually I'm the one to choose who can hear my voice, I don't remember considering [s]you as one.[/s] letting you.

I can't really see this as a miracle. I don't like it, it's like I'm stealing someone's gift but I can't open the box, all I can enjoy is the wrapper, while having to wonder what's inside every second I possess it. (I love this similie! )

Here is Raziel, an angel. That's what he refers to himself [s]to[/s] as, but the silly thing is none of us can prove it wrong or right. If he is, I thought [s]it's[/s] he would be the type of angel that flies by my side invisibly, but sadly [s]this one[/s] he isn't.

Back in my hometown, I used to rest under a tree[s],[/s] and watch people walk around[s],[/s]. [s]s[/s]Sometimes they would stop and sa[s]id[/s]y hi, most of the time they just passed as if [s]I'm not[/s] I wasn't (Even might be good on the end of this too ) there. I never understand them, I always wonder what it feels like to be one of those kids with parents, [s]they had[/s] with (I think this runs a bit smoother but it's up to you) so much free time to have fun, to learn, or just to be a bully. The kids, the oldies, the teachers, they all had their own ways of looking at [s]this[/s] life. I could hear their voices, without them saying it. That's when I realized, the voices came from their mind[s],[/s]. [s]i[/s]If only I try to look from their eyes, when I look at their eyes, I understand what they feel. (This is a bit of an awkward sentence, I'd maybe work on rephrasing it. I think it's to do with the repetition of eyes that makes it a bit confusing. Maybe changing the first one to something about seeing things from their perspective would work better?)

I guess my ability and Raziel's intertwines somewhere. He's the all-seeing angel, [s]it[/s] which means he ha[s]ve[/s]s his eyes on every corner of this world of Panna. [s]While[/s] I'm able to read people's mind by looking at their eyes[s],[/s] and angels are no[s]t an[/s] exception. I can hear Raziel's thoughts, or voice, it's no different assuming angels can't lie. Reading his mind is like having a real conversation.

I always bragged about Raziel to my brothers, but I stopped because they never missed [s]this[/s] the chance to laugh at me.

"Mr Raziel?" My ten year old self appeared in my mind, shyly asking this angel to talk to me.

Yes?

"Well, hello. My name is Aka." (I think you made a mistake here as this bit shouldn't be in italics )

[i]I know that.

"...Well...umm...what are you doing?"

I'm writing a book.

My eyes grew larger when this angel actually responded to my conversation, "Really? What is it about?"

Truth.

"What is truth, Mr Raziel? Is it like when I found out the neighbor's been cheating on his wife?"

Oh my, a young girl like you [s]are[/s] is not supposed to know something like that! ...Well, I don't know what truth is myself. The Old Man just told me to write down the things he says.

"Old Man?" I wondered[s],[/s] who could be older than someone that ha[s]s[/s]d been watching from the beginning of [s]everyone's[/s] time[s]?[/s].

The Generator, the Operator, and the Destroyer of all put together. You call him God, but I'm sure we're not thinking of the same one.

I didn't know what to ask. If only my brother would have just believed me about Raziel, I would have passed the topic to him, he would have been more interested. Six years have past since those peaceful moments, I don't have any more chances to let my brother know about Raziel since now my brother is most probably...dead.

Now I'm alone, with just the bonfire sparks and the clouded moon. Another rustl[s]ed[/s]ing [s]sound[/s] alerts my ears, snapping me from my reminiscence[s],[/s]. [s]t[/s]This time it's the sound of branches cracking, I'm sure someone's been watching me.

"Who's there?" I shouted to the trees behind me[s],[/s] [s]and[/s]. [s]m[/s]My presumption is right, a figure that's not shunned by any light moves closer towards me.

Before I can see the face, the figure speaks to me, while still walking cautiously forwards, "Excuse me...may I join you, little girl?"

Now I see a man, maybe [s]o[/s]in his twenties, with clothes half ripped half stained with something like blood. (I'm not sure about saying 'like blood' as she doesn't know what it is yet and later you say it could be dirt. Maybe instead describing the colour would work well, for instance saying a deep red or rusty brown or anything like that )

Umm, no, is what I had in mind, but instead I welcome him to my company, "[s]s[/s]Sure, sit [s]along[/s] down."

Now I have someone to compare to, I realize my clothes are as messy as his. Not ripped, but [s]it's[/s] they're stained with dirt all over the place, perhaps my face is dirty too.

After we exchange[s]d[/s] names and introduce[s]d[/s] ourselves a bit, this guy named Luther asks me where I'm going.

"I'm trying to reach Peril, but I think I'm lost because of a stupid sign-post I came across earlier," I sa[s]id[/s]y, while remembering that sign. After days of [s]long[/s] walking, I thought I had found something that would give me a solid lead to Peril, but unfortunately, the sign [s]is[/s] was really misleading. It sa[s]ys[/s]id Peril [s]goes[/s] was left, while if I looked at the sign from behind, it also sa[s]ys[/s]id Peril [s]is[/s] was left. (There were quite a lot fo problems with your tenses in this bit, I'd watch out for that in future.)

"Oh, that sign?" He sa[s]id[/s]ys while trying to hold in his laughter. "The road splits into two, the signpost is indeed a trick. You're supposed to detour from the road, and just head straight into the woods. With a bit of luck, -and certain conditions-, you'll find that cave called Peril," he explains while moving his index finger around.

"Certain conditions?" I ask[s]ed[/s].

"That place was designed by powerful Caspers, the people of the wind that dwell[s]s[/s] in the heart of this continent. They placed a seal there so only when it's [s]em[/s]bathed by the full moon, [s]then[/s] the cave will show it's [s]way in[/s] entrance. " He sa[s]id[/s]ys, this time munching on the food I shared with him. It's just some wild yam and mushrooms, not hard to find. "I'll show you the way, if you don't mind. To[s]day[/s]night is the only time you can go in, I guess we[s]'re[/s] were fated to meet [s]now[/s]."

An ally, is what my brother told me to have. I'm very glad I met him at this time when I'm stuck without knowing where to go. Before I agree though, I look to his face, to his eyes. Even though he looks like a nice person, I don't want to risk anything. My fear prove[s]d[/s]s [s]me[/s] right.

Delicious, juicy piece of meat. That's what he thinks when he looks at me, along with such a wild beastial feeling he kept holding (I don't think I understand what you mean here. Maybe 'he kept a tight hold of' if you are talking about him keeping a wild bestial feeling pinned down?). Is that [s]where[/s] how he got all those blood stains [s]i[/s]on his clothes? (This still doesn't make complete sense as you haven't actually offered an excuse for how he got the blood stains on his clothes, if you mean that he ate someone or attacked them then I think you need to make some reference to that. For instance you could comment on how he seems ready to attack someone at a moments notice.) It's dark, I can't tell the difference between dirt stains and blood stains[s],[/s] and I don't want to offend him by mentioning the stains on his clothes.

Don't worry, he's a nice person. Just watch out for him under the moon.

Raziel can't read people's mind like I [s]do[/s] can, but he ha[s]ve[/s]s never missed any event. (I'm not sure what you mean by event here.) Maybe he knows more than me, maybe not.

Decision, it's something I have never considered before. (I don't think this really makes sense on it's own, maybe if you said she had never had to make one before it would be clearer what you are talking about? ) My brothers always decided things for themselves, whatever it [s]is[/s] was, I always followed. Raziel has given me a fact, (You don't know it is a fact at this point, maybe a point?) and Luther's thought [s]gave me[/s] has given me another to consider.

"Should I even continue this journey for my brother, Raziel? I don't have anyone to follow anymore,"(You need a space here)I asked, this was right after I got separated from my brothers. Raziel had kept me company all those times.

(Have you gone back to another time here? I think you need to separate it somehow as it is a bit confusing. Maybe you could put it all into italics or something like that?)

Faith, it's something you need to put in the equation. No matter what decision you take, you need to believe.

"How can I rely on faith, when you're holding all the truth?"

What I hold are facts, not truth. You don't get the right facts all the time, what I see may not always be right. This is when faith comes to play, you'll realize in the end, decision is not a matter of right or wrong. It's what you think is right, based on your perception. For once, without your brothers by your side, make your choice, and believe in it.

It took me some time to think[s],[/s]. [s]t[/s]This is just like the time when I was full of doubt about whether I should go on or not, when my brothers were not present. The final verdict?

"Y-yes. I'll go with you," I say, trying to hide my shaky tone.

"Good, we can't waste any more time, lets get going then," He sa[s]id[/s]ys, immediately standing up.

He is my only lead, even though he may not be an ally, I have to keep going.

I'm alone, sitting while resting my head on my knees.

I said, throwing myself back facing upwards. I forgot when I lost my hair tie, but now I don't really care if my hair got grass stuck in it.

but I know you can't tell me anything because your forbidden

Yes, I wonder why too. Usually I'm the one to choose who can hear my voice. I don't remember considering letting you.

I don't like it, it's like I'm stealing someone's gift but I can't open the box, all I can enjoy is the wrapper, while having to wonder what's inside every second I possess it.

Here is Raziel, an angel. That's what he refers to himself as, but the silly thing is none of us can prove it wrong or right. If he is, I thought he would be the type of angel that flies by my side invisibly, but sadly he isn't.

under a tree and watch people walk around.

"Mr. Raziel?" My seven year old self appeared in my mind, shyly asking this angel to talk to me.

"What is truth, Mr. Raziel?

"Old Man?" I wondered. Who could be older than someone that had been watching from the beginning of time?

If only my brother would have just believed me about Raziel. I would have passed the topic to him and he would have been more interested. Six years have past since those peaceful moments and I don't have any more chance

Now I see a man, maybe in his twenties, with clothes half ripped half stained with fresh blood.

Umm, no, is what I had in mind, but instead

bad smell for days that it blurs my sense.

"With a bit of luck, -and a certain condition-, you'll find that cave called Peril," he explains while moving his index finger around.

It's just some wild yam and mushrooms, not hard to find.

"Good, we can't waste any more time. Lets get going then" He says, immediately standing up.