Young Writers Society

Hey guys, uuh... please review this! It's change chapter one yet again, but it's gone through a big re-vamp. Hopefully for the better.

Stupid doctors. Stupid blood tests. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The white gates in front of Maeve stood menacingly, supposedly inviting her in. She shuddered, knowing they never would achieve their purpose. How could they be a sign of greeting if she didn’t want to enter the building they surrounded?
After taking a few deep breaths, she pressed the button on the intercom before her.
“Welcome to our prestigious school, what is the purpose of your business?” a female voice asked. Maeve suddenly had a vision of a perfect secretary sitting behind a desk filing their nails.
“I’m here to…learn?” she replied, not really knowing what the lady expected her to answer with that question.
“Please proceed to the main building as soon as I open the gates, do not wander anywhere,” the secretary instructed before buzzing her in. Maeve wondered why there was so much security over one school.
She slowly pushed the gates open and just stood there, contemplating over whether she should go in or not. Inside the gates was a tranquil and peaceful environment, grass, trees, benches. Behind her was a town; cars, buses, pollution. Yet, did she really want to give all that up? Her friends, family, school, everything? The answer was she didn’t have a choice, this place was just what the doctor ordered… literally.
The atmosphere in the school was oddly calming, the sheer nature surrounding her made her feel at peace. The evergreen trees shone in the sun as they whispered to the grass below them quietly. Benches were tossed about randomly on the lawn, all in perfect condition, not even a scratch scarring them.
Yet Maeve wasn’t fooled. She wasn’t going to let the school put her under its spell. Nor was she going to fall prey to its siren song like the sailors in old tales of the sea.
As she entered the main building, the calm aura that had surrounded her left almost immediately and once again she was left with a feeling of apprehension and unease. Slowly she shoved this feeling aside, and walked up to a secretary sitting behind a wooden desk. The young lady smiled up at her with a pair of brilliant white teeth.
“Welcome, may I please take your name?” she asked perkily. Maeve recognised the voice as that from the intercom.
Maeve answered, watching as the lady typed something into the computer before her with perfectly manicured nails. For a few seconds, she said nothing.
“Done,” she replied, once again giving Maeve a dazzling smile before handing her a large map and a key card, “Just go find the auditorium.”
Maeve stood there dumbly, waiting for the rest of her instructions. Apparently no more were to come, as the secretary took out a small compact and began checking her black hair in it.
To her right was a small leather sofa, bringing out the map she had been given, she sat down and inspected it. She looked through all the labels; ‘dormitories’, ‘classrooms’, ‘mess hall’…‘auditorium’. The route there seemed complicated, why did maps never fulfil their purpose and make things any easier?
“Need any help?” Maeve looked up to find a boy of around her own age staring down at her.
“Got to find my way to the auditorium,” she replied, showing him its position on the map. The boy took the map in his own hands and shook his head, his green eyes scanning the paper.
“These things are never clear, c’mon just follow me,” he instructed, smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her. Silently he led her down many corridors and rooms before they finally got outside on the opposite side of where she had entered.
Once again Maeve was calmed. The trees waved to her like old friends, swaying in a light breeze. Sun beat down, making her feel warm and at home. There was no path beneath her feet, but soft grass which simply tied together the entire panorama before her.
“Hello?” the boy asked, a bit ahead of her, “You coming or not?”
Maeve nodded and continued following him, all the time taking in the beauty which surrounded them.
The way it fascinated her made it seem as if she had never seen a tree or plant before. Nature had never been so alluring to her before, never so inviting. Nor had she ever wanted to just stop and stare at it, this was a first.
She had to stop thinking like this, the doctors had told her she was ill, but never had she realised the effect it would have on her. Who ever heard of an illness that attracted her to the world?


Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this.
xxMiixx

Hello! You were asking for critiques in the chat yesterday, and I finally got around to doing it! XD

Here it goes, I'll start off with bits of grammar and minor tweaks! :

“I’m here to…learn?” she replied, not really knowing what the lady expected her to answer with that question.

'with' should be changed to 'to'.

She slowly pushed the gates open and just stood there, contemplating over whether she should go in or not.

I don't think there's any need to use 'over' in this sentence, it flows better if you remove it completely and simply leave it as: "contemplating whether she should", I also think that you could further it by changing it to: ' contemplating whether to go in or not"

The answer was she didn’t have a choice, this place was just what the doctor ordered… literally.

I'm not really sure that there is any need to include the literally, seeing as you'd already mentioned the doctor saying that she had to go there. For me, all it served to do was confuse me for a few moments!

The atmosphere in the school was oddly calming, the sheer nature surrounding her made her feel at peace.

'sheer nature' doesn't make sense, or if it does, it's bad use of english! I suggest either changing 'sheer' to a different adjective, or adding something between the two words i.e.: "sheer beauty of the nature" or "sheer volume of nature"?

Apparently no more were to come, as the secretary took out a small compact and began checking her black hair in it.

This is probably just me, but I don't have a clue what a 'compact' is, unless you accidently missed out the word 'mirror', I originally thought she was getting out a laptop computer...Then I read on and realised! haha

“Got to find my way to the auditorium,” she replied, showing him its position on the map. The boy took the map in his own hands and shook his head, his green eyes scanning the paper.

I don't know if this is just your character's diction or not, but I think you should include "I've" in here!

“These things are never clear, c’mon just follow me,” he instructed, smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her. Silently he led her down many corridors and rooms before they finally got outside on the opposite side of where she had entered.

I don't think you can lead someone 'down a room', so maybe you need to look at the way this sentence is structured, I also think that 'got' is a horribly unimaginative word, and takes away from it a lot!


Spelling and grammar aside, I think what you've got here is the bare bones of a story. It made me curious, and it interested me, but it was hard to imagine the world! I think you need to spend some time fleshing it out a bit, taking more time to describe to the reader what's going on or what your character is seeing. For example:

She shuddered, knowing they never would achieve their purpose. How could they be a sign of greeting if she didn’t want to enter the building they surrounded?

I think this would have a lot more effect if you described the gateposts better, go into a bit more detail about how they had been designed to be welcoming.

The atmosphere in the school was oddly calming, the sheer nature surrounding her made her feel at peace.

Benches were tossed about randomly on the lawn, all in perfect condition, not even a scratch scarring them.

“These things are never clear, c’mon just follow me,” he instructed, smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her. Silently he led her down many corridors and rooms before they finally got outside on the opposite side of where she had entered.

These three parts are also very bare. There is so much potential to describe the nature the outside of the school, the inside of the school, what you meant by the 'benches being tossed about randomly on the lawn' (when i first read this I thought you meant up-ended on the grass, so you might want to change 'tossed') and how this made your character feel.

As well as that, I was a bit confused about the school in general and why she was apprehensive to it, you might want to take some time at points along the way to describe what the school is, and why your character is apprehensive. You may also want to describe/relive what the doctor's regard as this 'illness'!

All in all, I think it is an intriguing piece of work, and with a little more time and fleshing out, it has a lot of potential! Good luck with it!

~Plus

Fist off, wow. "Hooked" seems like the right word....

But there were a few things that need improvement. I noticed a lot of run-on sentences, especially when someone was talking (though I'm not sure that "run-on" is the right term), like:

“Welcome to our prestigious school, what is the purpose of your business?”

“Please proceed to the main building as soon as I open the gates, do not wander anywhere,”

“Welcome, may I please take your name?”

...and so on. They aren't bad sentences, they would work better with a semicolon or as two different sentences.

“Welcome, may I please take your name?” she asked perkily.

Perkily doesn't really work here.... Something like she said in a perky voice might be better.

All in all, a really good story. I liked how she was kinda hostile at first, but then seemed to calm down. Also, I liked the

sheer nature

part- it kind of implies that it's a facade. Keep it up!

-Wordsmith

Hi mimimac,

Just a couple of points today.

I got a rather disjointed, confused feeling from the narrative. I think it's because of the use of two specific techniques.

#1 Doubling back. Examples of what I'm talking about, with colour-coding for identification:

She slowly pushed the gates open and just stood there, contemplating over whether she should go in or not. Inside the gates was a tranquil and peaceful environment, grass, trees, benches. Behind her was a town; cars, buses, pollution. Yet, did she really want to give all that up? Her friends, family, school, everything? The answer was she didn’t have a choice, this place was just what the doctor ordered… literally.

The narrator wonders whether she wants to go in or not. Then we're told that this wondering is completely meaningless, because she doesn't have a choice, she has to go in.

The atmosphere in the school was oddly calming, the sheer nature surrounding her made her feel at peace. The evergreen trees shone in the sun as they whispered to the grass below them quietly. Benches were tossed about randomly on the lawn, all in perfect condition, not even a scratch scarring them.
Yet Maeve wasn’t fooled. She wasn’t going to let the school put her under its spell. Nor was she going to fall prey to its siren song like the sailors in old tales of the sea.

The narrator muses about how calming and peaceful everything is. But then we're told that this is completely meaningless, because actually the narrator isn't fooled at all.

#2 Rapid emotional changes. The constant back-and-forth between calm and not-calm is disorientating for me. One sentence the narrator will be chilled out, the next she's talking about how uneasy she is. Back and forth, back and forth. I felt like there wasn't a cohesive emotional story that I could believe in.

I'm also concerned about how familiar this opening is to me. I haven't read this specific story before, but it certainly feels like I have. Narrator goes to new school for first day, is disorientated and lost, meets hot guy who shows her around. It feels like I could confidently predict the rest of the story: she falls for him, both she and hot guy turn out to have special powers, etc. (If this is not how the rest of the story goes, it needs a less cliched opening to match the less cliched story.)

Plus-One has a good point about wanting more fleshing out of these bones.

Good luck with rewriting!

Karsten

Hi Mimz! It's been a while since I have read any of your work, this piece is pretty good! I'll go through being picky though since you wanted honest advice (although a lot of my picks will just be opinion so you don't have to listen to them). The previous review has covered quite a bit of what I was going to say anyway so I'll try not to repeat anything they have already pointed out but sorry if I do!

Maeve suddenly had a vision of a perfect secretary sitting behind a desk filing their nails.

I think you could extend more on what you mean by 'perfect' as it's a bit of a vague description (I do like the part about her filing her nails though ) maybe something about her being pristine or organised or plasticated or anything to show a clearer image of what you mean would be good. I'd also maybe change 'their nails' to 'her nails' as you have already mentioned that it's a female voice.

She slowly pushed the gates open and just stood there

I think you could add a bit more surrounding this action and the gates in general as I think Plus-one already pointed out (the corrections she has made to this sentence I think would work well ) I haven't got much of an impression of what they look like and I think it would do well to give a bit more description on them and the effort it takes to move them. (When she pushes them open is the metal of them cool against her skin does the gate creak or ease silently etc... ) As they are the first objects introduced and the character is hesitant to go in, this would probably be the centre of their focus so I'd include a bit more.

The evergreen trees shone in the sun as they whispered to the grass below them quietly. Benches were tossed about randomly on the lawn, all in perfect condition, not even a scratch scarring them.

I'm not sure about saying the evergreen trees whispered to the grass below, it just sounded a bit strange to me. Instead something about rustling as the wind blew through their leaves or a description like that might be better ‘Benches were tossed’ put an odd image in my head of benches flying around I’d maybe replace ‘tossed’ (for instance sat or placed or anything like that really).

For a few seconds, she said nothing. "Done,” she replied,

It isn’t that clear who ‘she’ is in these two parts, I thought the first one was referring to Maeve but then the second is referring to the secretary so it came across a bit confusingly. I’d replace the first she with something like ‘the secretary’ or ‘the woman’, just so it is obvious who you are referring to.

the secretary took out a small compact and began checking her black hair in it.

It’s just my opinion but I didn’t like just ‘black hair’ that much, I think you could say something more that adds to the overall image of her as this perfectly manicured woman so something about her stylishly highlighted hair or smartly cut bob or anything that gives the reader some more information on how she looks

bringing out the map she had been given

I thought she was still holding the map so it wouldn’t really be being brought out from anywhere, maybe ‘unfolding’ would be better to show the action so that it would mean she had been given it folded up.

smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her. Silently he led her down many corridors and rooms before they finally got outside on the opposite side of where she had entered.

You use ‘black hair’ again here which is perfectly fine it’s just the same as with before, I think more details could be used, especially as you have already said the secretary has black hair so it would be good to give more of a contrast between their hairstyles. I’m not sure about ’got outside’, I don’t really like the use of got that much where it can be avoided though maybe ’arrived’?

Sun beat down, making her feel warm and at home.

‘beat down’ is a harsh description that makes the sunlight sound not very enjoyable, something softer and more positive like ‘bathed her’ I think would better fit in with the rest of the description.

The way it fascinated her made it seem as if she had never seen a tree or plant before. Nature had never been so alluring to her before,

Just being very picky here but the use of ‘before’ so close to one another caught my eye and I just thought it might be better to change one of them, maybe just leaving one of them out?

Overall: I wrote half of this before the other reviews so I’m not sure if I am repeating what they have said sorry! I did think this was a great opening Mimz I am already curious as to what her illness is and what exactly goes on at this school and I think you have left just enough air of mystery surrounding it all to make everyone want to read on, nicely done!

I think your writing in general worked but I felt that a couple of times you skimmed over things or descriptions were left out that could benefit the story. I think you could add more emotion in general to Maeve, like how she says things. Instead of saying ‘replied’ I’d add something to show how at a couple of points to get across how she is feeling I’d also add a bit more surrounding her reaction to the boy- what are her initial impressions of him? How does she react to his help? Does it take her by surprise or is she grateful? I think you could show this in her thoughts and also how she responds to him and both of their expressions. I do think that more could be added to the boy if he is to crop up more often (if not then I wouldn’t bother but I kind of thought he might) just to show his personality and how he acts towards Maeve.

I felt that a point that could be extended upon would be when the boy is leading her outside- this might be a good place to comment more on her own emotions and what the inside of the building is like. I felt you went past it quite quickly so maybe a bit more could be added to give a better impression of what the school is actually like and what Maeve's thoughts are regarding everything and the new character of the boy

Basically just a bit more detail here and there and showing more how people are saying things and acting out whatever it is they are doing, other than that I really did enjoy it I think the descriptions you did use painted a good picture of her surroundings and in general I thought the story flowed well, all my comments are just suggestions and I hope I’ve helped my ninja-pacman-men-in-black-instructor pal ! *star*

Hi minimac, I'll be your reviewer for today. Prepare for lots of nitpicking....

The white gates in front of Maeve stood menacingly, supposedly inviting her in.

Ack, you're using too many adverbs here, in close proximity. Try for stronger verbs, such as "loomed" instead of "stood menacingly". Then you don't need adverbs. Perhaps you shoudl also describe how the gates look. Are they wrought iron? Solid wood?

She shuddered, knowing they never would achieve their purpose.

This sentence just feels rather...awkwardly worded. I know what you're trying to say, but it comes across as a bit stiff.

“Welcome to our prestigious school, what is the purpose of your business?” a female voice asked.

This doesn't seem quite professional enough; seems the secretary would actually name the school (you know, "Blank Academy, producing honor students since 1899" or something like that). I don't think a real secretary what say "our prestigious school".

Maeve suddenly had a vision of a perfect secretary sitting behind a desk filing their nails.

Her, not their.

“I’m here to…learn?” she replied, not really knowing what the lady expected her to answer with that question.

I don't quite understand what you mean by the last part of the sentence ("answer with that question"?).

“Please proceed to the main building as soon as I open the gates, do not wander anywhere,” the secretary instructed before buzzing her in.

I think a full stop would be more effective after "gates", instead of the comma you have.

Maeve wondered why there was so much security over one school.

This is excessive security? You know, many real schools--public schools, at that--actually have metal detectors, security checkpoints, and patrolling guards. A gate you have to be buzzed into doesn't strike me as excessive.

She slowly pushed the gates open and just stood there, contemplating over whether she should go in or not. Inside the gates was a tranquil and peaceful environment, grass, trees, benches. Behind her was a town; cars, buses, pollution. Yet, did she really want to give all that up? Her friends, family, school, everything? The answer was she didn’t have a choice, this place was just what the doctor ordered… literally.

You're being too general here. I feel there should be some emotional impact, but I dont' feel anything because I don't know Maeve at all. I don't know what her family or friends are like, I don't know why she'd feel so strongly about leaving them. Granted, anyone would, but all the same, you need to make us empathize deeper with Maeve's feelings, on a more personal level. Have her mention what she'll never be able to experience again--her father's bad jokes, her best friend's boy-crazy nature, her friendly teachers, etc. It'll get us to feel more deeply for her.

the sheer nature

Sheer nature?

Benches were tossed about randomly on the lawn

"Tossed about randomly" makes me think of rubbish, yet you're trying to make clear that the atmosphere is peaceful. Maybe "strewn" would work better?

Nor was she going to fall prey to its siren song like the sailors in old tales of the sea.

Nice allusion, though I don't know what's so awful about the school yet. Everything points to it being a calm place; the only thing you have to the contrary are Maeve's opinions. But because we don't know why she's being committed to this school, we're unsure why we should have to hate it.

As she entered the main building, the calm aura that had surrounded her left almost immediately and once again she was left with a feeling of apprehension and unease.

This needs to be expanded. Why does this happen? Also, you're telling instead of showing here. Don't just say she feels "apprehensive", show it in the prickle that runs down her spine or whatnot.

“Welcome, may I please take your name?” she asked perkily.

Ack! Do try to avoid the "X dialogue-tagged adverbly" structure. It's a major example of telling instead of showing. Show us the secretary's perkiness, in her smile or in the way she sits.

For a few seconds, she said nothing.

Who? Maeve or the lady?

To her right was a small leather sofa, bringing out the map she had been given, she sat down and inspected it.

The comma after "given" should be a semicolon.

She looked through all the labels; ‘dormitories’, ‘classrooms’, ‘mess hall’…‘auditorium’.

And this semicolon should be a colon.

The route there seemed complicated, why did maps never fulfil their purpose and make things any easier?

Full stop after "complicated".

The boy took the map in his own hands and shook his head, his green eyes scanning the paper.

The boy's introduction feels a bit...sudden. It's like he just appeared out of nowhere. Does Maeve have an opinion or reaction his appearance? Because right now she doesn't seem to be feeling anything.

“These things are never clear. C'mon, just follow me,” he instructed, smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her.

Corrections in bold.

Silently he led her down many corridors and rooms before they finally got outside on the opposite side of where she had entered.

This definitely needs to be expanded. Again, does Maeve have an opinion on any of this?

Once again Maeve was calmed. The trees waved to her like old friends, swaying in a light breeze. Sun beat down, making her feel warm and at home. There was no path beneath her feet, but soft grass which simply tied together the entire panorama before her.
“Hello?” the boy asked, a bit ahead of her, “You coming or not?”
Maeve nodded and continued following him, all the time taking in the beauty which surrounded them.
The way it fascinated her made it seem as if she had never seen a tree or plant before. Nature had never been so alluring to her before, never so inviting. Nor had she ever wanted to just stop and stare at it, this was a first.
She had to stop thinking like this, the doctors had told her she was ill, but never had she realised the effect it would have on her. Who ever heard of an illness that attracted her to the world?

This entire scene at the end...I have problems with it. You see, it just feels...random. Where did this sudden love for nature come from? I don't understand why this is happening, so I feel completely lost. It doesn't seem to connect with the rest of the story at all.

The last paragraph has gotten me even more lost. I know you're trying to create a sense of mystery--but the best sense of mystery is created when you drop some details and withold others. Right now, you're just confusing the heck out of your readers. So many things in this story are happening, and I don't know why. Not knowing why gives me no emotional investment in the story. Why should I care if random things are happening to Maeve if I don't know why she's in this situation in the first place?

I don't mean to sound harsh; I think this could be an interesting story if you only explained a few things earlier. The sense of mystery just doesn't work here; this sort of opening would do much better with an explanation as to why all this is happening. Seems like you're building some sort of paranomral school idea, which I'm a sucker for. I'd be intrigued to find out more, but again, you need to explain things better.

The only other real problem is that your description was rather sparse. I couldn't picture anything clearly in my head. Now, don't go overboard with description, but do try to give us at least some bearings on where Maeve is. This school is definitely important--so describe it more. For all I know, it could look like my boring public high school, or be a castle like Hogwarts. You skim over some parts, such as Maeve following the boy to the auditorium, that need to expanded on.

Basically, all the advice above can be condensed into three words: Clarify! Elucidate! Explain!

...which all mean the same thing.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

Hi Mimi! Here as requested. ^_^

Since you've gotten some really good shred reviews, I'll just point out a few things here.

Similes and Allusions: You've used at least one of each here. I'd work on making them more subtle. When you describe the Siren's song, you don't really need to mention the root mythology. Most people know what a Siren is and what they did to sailors. When you use choice description, make it so those words make sure you don't give everything about the place away. Leave us hanging a bit more so we don't feel like we know the plot already.

The beginning:I found the first line rather disconnected from the rest of the work. It made me think she was entering a hospital, not a school. You slowly explain it as the chapter goes on, but I had a hard time getting over that initial choppiness. I'd work on making that transition smoother.

Sentence Structure: Watch that you don't cram so much into a sentence that it looks like people are doing five things at once. Like, here:

he instructed, smoothing out his black hair and handing the map back to her.

In this tag, you make it look like he's talking, smoothing out his hair and handing the map back to her all at once. Replace the "and" with "then" to fix that, and watch for it while you edit.

Overall: I found you were trying to explain the nature of the school a bit too much here. It sets us up to know what's going to happen there (something bad) without leaving us guessing. Since guessing is what drives readers to keep moving, I'd work on how much you let on about any given place and situation.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hi Mia! I'm really sorry this took so long, and also, I'm way too lazy to read the other reviews, so forgive if I repeat anything.

Quote: “Welcome to our prestigious school, - Yeah, don't use 'prestigious school' here. Usually the really prestigious schools, everyone knows about their reputation. I think the secretary would actually say the school's name in a really snobbish and/or proud voice. Also, that way you could show us how/why/what makes the school so prestigious instead of just dumping it in here.

Quote: The atmosphere in the school was oddly calming, the sheer nature surrounding her made her feel at peace. - Oh noes! Comma splice. Replace it with a semicolon.

Quote: siren song like the sailors in old tales of the sea. - This simile feels very, very out of place, like you're trying too hard. Sailors have nothing to do with anything, yet, and it just doesn't fit. I'd put a period after 'song' and cut the rest of the sentence.

Quote: began checking her black hair in it. - The reader really doesn't need to know or care what colour the secretary's hair is; don't tell us. Maybe if it was like...purple and dreadlocked, because that would say something about both her and the school and Maeve would definitely notice it, but just 'black'? It's not even an interesting description. Get rid of it.

And speaking of description, you need more. (Hehe, sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not, I promise.) The description of the school is very general, very boring, really doesn't tell us anything. Yes, there are benches. But what are they made of? Are they square or round? Are there little 'in memory of' inscriptions on them? Are they unscarred because no one has graffitied them, or because some poor janitor has worked hard to clean them? What kind of flowers are there? Are there flowers? What are the paths made of? Where do they lead? Tell us about the buildings. This is where Maeve is spending the majority of the story, I assume anyway, and this is her first time there. She'd have to notice absolutely everything and we readers want that too.

That goes for this mysterious boy as well. The first thing humans notice about someone when they first meet them is what they look like, and then we judge them on those looks. And yet, the only things the reader knows about the boy are that he has black hair and is helpful. This is the first person from her new school that she's met; she must, MUST, notice everything about him and have thoughts on those observations as well.

...which brings me to Maeve herself. Right now, she's a ghost. I mean, this story is from her point of view and I know hardly anything about her, about her thoughts, about her past, whatever. The most important thing is her thoughts/emotions. I need more of them. Is she apprehensive? Calm? [So far she seems both? which is okay, but explain that, and the confusion it must cause.] Is she indignant at being forced to go to this school, or glad for the opportunity? Is she worried about what the other students will think or does she not care or does she pretend not to care but secretly needs them to like her? Does she miss her old friends already? Is she nervous about her appearance? Is she nervous about the boy? What does she think of boys in general, normal, cootie-filled, boyfriend material? I think she's got the potential to be this wonderful, interesting character, yet you wouldn't know it from this.

So, overall, I think it's a good rough draft, but it needs fleshing out and thinking about.
Hope this helps.