Young Writers Society

I remember that, when I was small, I found a baby robin beneath a tree. It had fallen from its nest, though where that nest was we could not see. I immediately set out to save it. My parents set up a little box with a towel in it and I put the bird inside. He chirped and I would feed him. He did not grow hungry and was never neglected. A week later he was dead. I buried him beneath the tree where I had found him.

I’ve thought about the bird, from time to time, on through my life. A tear used to well up in my eye whenever I heard another young one chirping. I wondered why all the things I’d done hadn’t meant anything, why the bird had died anyway. As I got older though, and thought about it more and more, I realized something. Sometimes things must pass away. We may put forth all our effort into them, and still find the life in them has gone away. It is inevitable, as much a part of existence as a newborn’s screams or a toddler’s stumbles. Sooner or later we all have to die.

I am like that hatchling now. I am in a bed with towels. I am fed when it is needed. The nurses are good; they do not neglect me. I smile for them. But it is all for naught. In a week, there will be one last ride for this old body. By that time I will be gone. Perhaps when I go, I shall see the robin. I hope I do. He deserves my thanks.

I remember that, when I was small, I found a baby robin beneath a tree.

This sentence is a little wordy to be an opening sentence. i say take out the word that after remember.

My parents set up a little box with a towel in it and I put the bird inside.

For the conjunction to work you need a comma after it

He chirped and I would feed him.

Here as well, you need a comma after chirped

A week later he was dead.

The bluntness of this statement makes me feel sad. which in turn makes me sympathize with the narrator. Well done!

I buried him beneath the tree where I had found him.

But as well there needs to be more emotion. in this part, I think its feels more like just a strand of then i did this, then this, then this. Is that interesting to you?

Perhaps when I go, I shall see the robin. I hope I do. He deserves my thanks.

I love this ending. Bravo!

Overall this was a very well written piece. i enjoyed this very much, and have nothing bad to say about it. Amazing job:)

-Tiffany

Conrad, this is such a sweet little story.

I was flipping through the forums for something to read that would make me feel better because I’ve just had a rough day and I saw this and saw that you wrote it and figured why not. It make me cry, but I cried good tears I promise.

First off, the story about the robin when he was a boy is sweet. I remember when we had bunnies at home when I was a kid and one of them had to be hand fed and kept in an incubator.

Then too when you go back and think about the situation again in the second and third paragraphs, it’s just very emotional. You tapped into an idea very strongly and I really enjoyed reading this. I didn’t look very closely for nitpicks, I just wanted to give you a very generalized opinion.

But to be honest, I was just kind of flattering. So this isn’t even a critique. It’s just a brag you up post.

I really should have at least one mean thing to say.

Um…

Uh…

You could maybe find a more creative title? ^^

~lilymoore

*completely agrees with Lily*
It's kind of weird, I had a similar experience. I had a pet lizard. Okay, five, but what does it matter? So what when I was little I used to try to have pets? xP

But anyway, it would happen exactly as you told it. Mom told me that I was just terrible with taking care of pets, which of course would totally boost my self-confidence. But you're totally right. No matter even if the lizards were completely fine and if I had let them go, eventually they would of died. Everything must pass.

I, unlike Lily, do not think I should say anything bad about this... what was it, a short story? Perhaps you can make a little poem out of it.

Great work--you fished that gold star right out of me!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Wow. That's just lovely. The style is fairly simplistic, but I think that complements the raw emotion of this piece quite nicely. My only complaint might perhaps be that it felt too short! =) I wish I could offer more helpful comments, but I honestly don't think you need to change anything. Maybe get rid of the "I remember that" in the first sentence? Either way, well done.

~Pan