Prayer

For what is life without God’s grace? Amurial thought as he walked on top of dewy grass and marveled at the beauty of the night sky. How long have I suffered without feeling the love of the Father, Creator of all things? The moon looked particularly radiant to him, having been accustomed to the stinging blaze of Hellfire, the soft glow of moonlight uplifted his spirits, reminded him of a happier age full of love and peace and music. He did not dare to begin singing, even when surrounded by such beauty, even though his very nerves urged him to praise the world around him. He had not sung since the Fall, countless millennia ago.
He had heard Ramereon sing of Satan’s glory, of how they would surely triumph in the end, but Amurial wasn’t so sure. He remembered how they had used to sing together in Heaven, voices and arms entwined as they praised the glory of God, but that was before Lucifer had seduced and corrupted them. Amurial seethed as he felt the prick of tears at his eyes. Lucifer had promised them everything but delivered them nothing. They had lost. Yet still, still, Ramereon had some twisted faith in the King of Hell. After all these millennia, his hatred for the Almighty festered and grew, to the point where he thought it possible to remove God from his heavenly throne and claim it for his precious ‘Lord’ Lucifer.
Amurial didn’t care about who was right or wrong anymore. He just wanted to return to his home in Heaven, he wanted to sing and fly and rejoice in the splendor around him. The tears ran freely down his face. God had abandoned him, Lucifer had betrayed him, and Ramereon…
His gut clenched as his thought of his fellow Fallen. It was through Ramereon, his closest friend since the beginning of Time, he had joined with Lucifer’s all but suicidal campaign. Love had made him blind.
He fell to his knees and let his golden hair sweep over his face as he realized, yes, he loved Ramereon, in ways that God only intended a man should love a woman. Even before the Fall he had pined for his dearest friend, though he didn’t know the word to give to his emotions. Angels weren’t supposed to behave in this manner. Perhaps it was a trick of Satan, or perhaps he was merely a sinner that could not redeem himself in the eyes of the Lord. He longed to shed himself of sin and return to Heaven, a true Angel once more, but despite all his attempts, he could not rid himself of the tender affection he felt for Ramereon. He felt helpless in the face of his own heart, his sinful, wicked heart.
He felt bliss whenever his dear friend was near, when they talked together in the dark chambers of their abode in Hell. Strange, how Ramereon could make even Hell seem like a paradise, if for a short while. He cooled the burn of the flames with his caring smile; he made Amurial’s heart leap at the slightest contact. He still remembered and treasured the memory of holding onto Ramereon as they fell for days from Heaven to Hell. He remembered his tears soaking Ramereon’s robes, but the black-haired angel did not cry or protest, only embraced Amurial and kept saying.
“We did the right thing, my friend. Don’t be scared.”

Still, Amurial had to break himself from those thoughts. He was no longer a fledgling angel but a grown demon, though the word still gave him a sour taste. He preferred the term Fallen, even after all these years after the Fall, because it gave him hope that he could rise again.
But he could not remember paradise as well as he used to. The golden fields and palaces of light still haunted his dreams, but he could hardly remember the friends who did not Fall, he couldn’t remember what it was like to have God approving of him. He couldn’t remember why he had rebelled in the first place. What was there to rebel against perfection? What more could one want? He remembered Ramereon telling him about freedom, but freedom was hard won and harder kept. ‘Tis better, he once heard, to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven. But what did they rule over but a realm of decay and eternal torment? What purpose was there in sitting and rotting in the Hellfire, only to fight again and loose again against an almighty power?
And yet, Ramereon put his whole being into fighting against God and the Angels. Was it greed that drove him? No, Ramereon had a good heart, there must be some greater reason. But what reason could be greater than God? Love? Amurial chided himself, surely these other kinds of love, his love for Ramereon, Ramereon’s love for his cause, were all distractions against loving God. It seemed logical, at least to Amurial, that all things but what God decreed were mere illusions of true happiness. But Ramereon was the brightest light in his life that he could remember. Amurial stopped in wonder. Was the love of one being to another somehow more powerful than the love between Creator and created?
Amurial shook such thoughts from his head. Contemplations like that wouldn’t get him out of Hell. Still, he wanted to save Ramereon, he wanted his friend to come with him. Because what would paradise be without him? Before and after the Fall, he had his Ramereon by his side- he could never abandon or betray the one he loved.
But perhaps that’s what stopping me from getting back into Heaven, he thought suddenly, perhaps it’s my sinful affection that keeps me chained to Hell. If so, how could he get rid of his own cursed infatuation? Perhaps there was a way to retain a more acceptable, brotherly love for Ramereon, save him, and return to Heaven with him? It seemed difficult, though, to relinquish the burning desire to kiss him, to feel hands upon hands and skin upon skin. He fantasized too much, but it was all he could do- he was afraid to tell Ramereon what he really felt. Afraid that he would reject him, afraid even more that he would accept him.
Because then there would be no return. Amurial would succumb wholly and completely to Ramereon, and Ramereon would be his only God, his savior, his lover…
Amurial raised a hand to strike himself across the face, but something stopped his hand.
He looked up and met the deep pitch eyes of Ramereon. Overcome by emotion, he burst into sobs anew, and Ramereon held him, not asking questions, just comforting him.
“I want to go home,” Amurial said through the tears, “I just want to go home.”
“Then let’s go” Ramereon said, and opened the gateway back into the cozy apartment they shared in Pandemonium.
But Amurial was talking about a different home- a home where he was safe and surrounded by light and love and the Glory of God.

Hey Fortuna, it’s lily here…I think we met in the chat room the other day…I can’t remember. Not the point, I figured I would give my services as a reviewer here sense you haven’t received one yet.

Opening Line

For what is life without God’s grace? Amurial thought as he walked on top of dewy grass and marveled at the beauty of the night sky. How long have I suffered without feeling the love of the Father, Creator of all things? The moon looked particularly radiant to him, having been accustomed to the stinging blaze of Hellfire, the soft glow of moonlight uplifted his spirits, reminded him of a happier age full of love and peace and music. He did not dare to begin singing, even when surrounded by such beauty, even though his very nerves urged him to praise the world around him. He had not sung since the Fall, countless millennia ago.

I actually really like this opening paragraph because it gives enough to pull you in, but doesn’t reveal so much that the story is given away immediately. Congrats.

Other Comments

‘Tis better, he once heard, to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven.

If I were you, I would italicize everything here except for “he once heard,” that way it becomes more distinct from the rest of the paragraph.

I do want to say that the ending dies a little. It almost seems like you couldn't find any better way to end it then this. Spend some time reflecting and try to find a different way to finish off this short.

All together, I have to say that I really like this piece for one specific reason: I can connect emotionally. I have a sudden feeling of understanding of sympathy for Amurial along with a sense of understanding for the feelings you give us: fear and desire. The fact that the reader can feel with your characters is amazing. Touching your audience is, at least in my opinion, the reason any writer should write.

Any ways, I would love to read this again, maybe through Ramereon's perspective to get an alternate opinion.

*gold star*

Hello there!
I am Incognito and here is your review as promised! ;3
Let's begin!

I. Nit-Picking

Amurial thought as he walked on top of dewy grass

You don't really have to change this, but personally I think it sounds slightly awkward. Might I recommend saying 'Amurial thought as he walked through the dewy grass'. That way it sounds a pit better and gives a better mental picture.

reminded him

In this sentence, 'reminded' should actually be 'reminding'. It makes more sense this way.

Yet still, still, Ramereon

I believe you were trying to add emphasis with the second 'still'. But I believe it would just sound better with one. It would make it more fluent and seem less redundant. (Not that it seemed like that at all, but just incase.)

Love had made him blind.

I absolutely love this line. Well played here. xD

He cooled the burn of the flames with his caring smile; he made Amurial’s heart leap at the slightest contact.

For this sentence, I would change the semi-colon into a comma and change the word 'contact' to 'touch'.

The reason why I thought you should change the semi-colon is because you used it in a way that I never do. If you don't feel like changing that is necessary alright. But I always use semi-colons where you speak about one thing, place the semi-colon, and then elaborate the meaning in greater setail. It just threw me off when I read this because I was confused about how a smile could make contact with another person.

The reason why I suggest changing 'contact' to 'touch' is simply because it would make it sound better in my eyes. 'Contact' is a very generic word, yet 'touch' sounds a little bit more intimate.

only embraced Amurial and kept saying.

“We did the right thing, my friend. Don’t be scared.”

The only thing I found wrong with is that you ended the first part with a period before elaborating what he had actually said. Just replace the period with a colon and it makes a lot more sense.

Or you could do it how I would, and make it all into one sentence on the same line. I would take out the period, replace it with a comma and make the dialogue beside the first part. The only reason why I would do that is because for me, it just blends better.

But I do believe the way you have done it this way does add an effect because it is on another line. It simply makes the dialogue more emphsized.

though the word still gave him a sour taste.

To me, this sentence doesn't seem like it has fully ended. It ended to briskly. I think if you add 'in his mouth' it would make it make more sense and expand the sentence long enough.

Another reason why I suggested that was because when you write you have be specific. You left people thinking, where was the sour taste even though it was kind of obvious because where else can you taste something.

On the other hand, I like how you use the five sense in your writing well. This is just an example of taste, which I find the hardest to find a place for in writing.

But perhaps that’s what stopping me from getting back into Heaven, he thought suddenly, perhaps it’s my sinful affection that keeps me chained to Hell.

His thoughts should be in italics. ;3

“Then let’s go”

There should be a period ending the dialogue.

But Amurial was talking about a different home- a home where he was safe and surrounded by light and love and the Glory of God.

I love this ending line. Beautiful.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

Your Grammar was stunning. You had one simple error that I think can not acually be an error. Your vocabulary is also excellent. You certainly have great vocabulary and know how to use it.

I believe with punctuation you are superb at it. One of things I recommend to metnion again is that colons are not used much in many peices but remember they are used to depict certain things and list certain things. You just ended the one sentence with a period and it didn't make as much sense as it could have been if you place a colon there.

Another thing that doesn't really count. With your dashes, with just one there it makes me always think when I see them that it was supposed to be a hyphen and you never completed the other half. Might I recommend making a space between the dash and the word and maybe adding an extra dash? That way it looks enlongated and people would be able to tell what it was right away.

III. Character Development

Your characterization was stunning. You could actually see the personalities clash between Amurial and Ramereon. Absolutely stunning, just the way you described the reactions and actions made them so easy to read.

One thing I would comment on though is that I knew nothing about what the two of them looked like other then Amurial had golden hair and I think Ramereon had black. Were they tall? Short? I believe if you just added a bit more of the descriptions of the characters that would be amazing.

But remember, don't info dump their appearances. Make subtle hints about what they look like through out the piece, maybe adding a few hints of the color of their clothing here and there.

IV. Writing Format

You have perfect set up for paragraphs and dialogue. Good job.

One thing I would have to say is that I would have to agree with lillymoore and say that your beginning was so good I found it startling. It rapped me in right away. You described the right amount of information before just giving all the plot away. I found the thought process beautiful and fluent, a thing that some people have trouble on like myself. xD
Let's just say I never think rationally and my characters reflect that.

Another thing I have to agree with lillymoore is that your ending did slow down. Your last sentence was beautiful but I think that if you spent a little bit more time thinking the story over, maybe find a thing that you can reflect on when he is in Ramereon's arms, just something that you can make the ending even better then the beginning.

One last thing that I really like about your writing was that for most of the paragraghs you ended them effectively with lines that keep the reader wanting to read more. That is vital to a story because after all if you can't keep the readers attention, what good it the story?

V. Overall

Your writing is certainly beautiful. You can blend the words so perfectly to create something that was never there before, almost a whole other world. Your descriptions were stunning and could make a perfect picture in the readers mind. Might I also say, but this story was certainly something that I have never read before. I like the different take you took on religon and the angels fall.

I would again have to agree with lillymoore and say that I would love to read more, and I am certainly wanting to read of Ramereons point of view. He just seems like such a different character. I want to know why he is so determinded to get God off the throne of heaven.

Brilliant.
A gold star for you.

~Incognito

Ok, sorry, this is a quick review, so I'm just going to say my praises, and maybe later let loose my critics.
I LOVE this!! By my Faith in Christ this is truly a masterpiece in the making!! I especially love the beginning, and the circumstances this story is set, just wonderful!! I compliment you on using our Religion to create such an amazing work!