Young Writers Society

Time never stops. It goes without a break. Normally it didn’t have anything against that. It travelled around the world, met people, some were happy to see it, others not so much. Some even cursed it, but that is the way things work. Despite all this it was joyful. It was somewhat exciting each and every time. It was wondering how people managed to change so much every time it met them. Remarkable creatures. Moreover, they transformed the world around them. Truly unbelievable.

Time loves shoving in the tiniest gaps and the most unnoticeable corners. It doesn’t overlook not even one detail. True, there wasn’t much going on in the monotonous life of the unicellular, and insects were not that much of an attraction either, but it felt the uncontrollable desire to check whether something wasn’t different this time. It was disappointed, but didn’t give it any thought.
It is hard to describe how time looks. It had heard that some describe it as the Fourth Dimension. It didn’t understand, but it usually found it hard to grasp the meaning of the complicated human words. Time is time. Well, yes, clear, it didn’t have three names like most of them, some even more, but it was still fine. Perhaps those were its other names? Time Fourth Dimension. Yeah. Next time someone asks, it will introduce itself that way. No one has. For now.

And still, it was wondering how it actually looked. It had no way of examining itself, it always had to go. That was its only desire – to see itself in the human eyes. Actually, sometimes it was jealous of them. They could look at each other for as long as they wanted, they knew their appearance. It felt injustice had been done.

Until one time it met something peculiar. Normally no one would notice time. It went through the people and zero attention. But this time his eyes met those of someone else. Or at least it decided that way, it had no idea if it had eyes, let alone where they were. A child. Time didn’t have a clear idea what that word exactly meant, but a more suitable one didn’t come to mind. In reality it was a baby. It was watching time with curiosity and was smiling. But time had to pass. It promised itself to have a look the next time it goes there.

But next time it wasn’t the same child. It was older. It smiled again and time passed. Their brief meetings reoccurred from time to time. The last moment, time wanted to stay longer. It was yearning to get closer. It didn’t understand, but people called the emotion it was feeling love. It met the eyes again. Another smile. And then the light disappeared from the eyes. Time was the witness of the last flash of life. It knew people had the habit of losing the ability to move at some age. Couldn’t quite grasp it, though. All it knew was that next time it went there, no sign of the eyes awaited it.

Confused, it continued on its usual way, but never once showed any more enthusiasm for discoveries. It was only when it saw two lovers that life came back to it and it rushed to return to them, to have a look at them for another moment, to relive the memory. Since then for everybody who was struck by the Cupid arrow, time goes faster when they are with their loved one and intentionally slows down when they are apart

This was good. I liked the way you portrayed time, and I liked the whole concept. I liked how you portrayed time as something almost human, but not quite. Like it wasn't the traditional god-like Father Time, but it wasn't just a force; it was something in between.

Two things though. First of all, I think this should go more in the fiction section. Secondly, it was a bit wordy. Some sentences were really long, others were really short. Your punctuation was a bit off, and some if it was phrased oddly. I had to reread quite a few lines, and some I had to try and figure out what they meant. I can't go back and find every sentence that had something wrong, but I would suggest just reading this out loud. Things often make sense in your head, but once you say them out loud, they don't. Just go through and see if you can find the things that should be reworded. Hope this helped!

Hey, Nimphal. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get to your review. Hopefully you're still open to some feedback. I'll do what I can! : D

I. Little Things

Time never stops. It goes without a break. Normally it didn’t have anything against that. It travelled around the world, met people, some were happy to see it, others not so much.

First of all, let's take a look at your first sentence as the 'first sentence' of this piece. 'Time never stops.' That doesn't seem very interesting or captivating, does it? Not only that, but you really only repeat the same point in the next sentence, which is really pointless. The first real interest in this piece comes in the third sentence when you begin speaking about Time as an entity. Since you also have an awkward tense change if you keep the first two sentences, why not just start where the interest starts? :

'Normally, Time didn't have anything against going on without a break.'

That way, you'll hook the reader with the personification of time and avoid that awkward tense thing. : D

It was somewhat exciting each and every time. It was wondering how people managed to change so much every time it met them.

Now, since you're speaking in this whole piece about 'Time' as an entity, you need to avoid using the same word in cliched phrases like 'each and every time'. Not only does that confuse the reader between the normal concept of time and this being you've created, it's also a lackluster way to describe things.

The first sentence in this section really has no meaning anyways. I don't understand what you're trying to say or what 'it' you're referring to. I do, however, love the way you speak to the reader about Time's thoughts and opinions. It's refreshing and original, so good work on that front.

Time loves shoving in the tiniest gaps and the most unnoticeable corners.

Think about your diction [word choice] here. 'Shoving' into gaps sounds more violent than 'sliding' or 'slipping' into gaps does. Do you want to characterize Time as something that goes about forcing its way into things or something that sort of floats between locations and is graceful?

It doesn’t overlook not even one detail.

If you don't overlook a not-detail, that's not the same as not overlooking a detail. Taking out 'even one', that's what you say. This sentence would fit the meaning you intended if you said 'It doesn't overlook a single detail' or something like that.

It is hard to describe how time looks.

Okay, I have two problems with this sentence. First of all, you have another pesky tense-change. You have to keep the whole piece in the same tense, which means you should probably say 'it was hard to describe', rather than 'it is hard'. It's a tricky thing, because your Time still exists, but it breaks up the flow if you keep it this way.

Secondly, since you're speaking of Time as a being of sorts, I think it would be appropriate for you to capitalize Time when you're referring to the being and to keep it lowercase in your phrases that include the same word.

Well, yes, clear, it didn’t have three names like most of them, some even more, but it was still fine.

This sentence is too difficult to understand. Please make it clearer.

No one has. For now.

These choppy sentences are unattractive and it's a shame to have them after such a pleasing section [I really enjoyed the characterization you gave to Time when you spoke of it considering how to introduce itself]. I would recommend changing this to 'No one has yet.' or something similar.

They could look at each other for as long as they wanted, they knew their appearance. It felt injustice had been done.

Both of these sentences are awkward. The first is a comma splice [where you have two complete sentences connected only by a comma -- I suggest you break them with a period]. The second is awkwardly worded. Why not say 'It felt that the situation was unfair'?

Until one time it met something peculiar.

I think this paragraph would be less awkward if you started it with 'One time, it met something peculiar.' The 'until' just makes the reader expect the sentence to connect to the last one, and in this case it really doesn't.

and zero attention.

This phrase makes no sense. It also repeats something you already said, so you don't need it anyways. I'd cut the whole sentence that this phrase is in.

Or at least it decided that way, it had no idea if it had eyes, let alone where they were.

I don't think you need this sentence either. It just breaks up the action to go into a side explanation that people don't really need. We know that Time doesn't have eyes, but we'll imagine that it does anyways when you go on with your description. You need the eye description for the rest of the event to make sense, so you'll have to keep the eyes.

It was watching time with curiosity and was smiling.

Be sure to structure your sentences carefully and consider how they would sound aloud.
'It was smiling and watching time with curiosity' sounds better in my opinion than does the sentence that you've used.

Time was the witness of the last flash of life. It knew people had the habit of losing the ability to move at some age. Couldn’t quite grasp it, though. All it knew was that next time it went there, no sign of the eyes awaited it.

I think you need to rephrase this section to make it simpler and to make it flow better together. Here is a tentative re-write that you should feel free to use or discard as you wish:

'Time was the witness of the last flash of light. It knew that at some point, people stopped moving, but it couldn't quite grasp the reason why. All it knew was that next time it visited, there was no light in the people's eyes.'

Since then for everybody who was struck by the Cupid arrow, time goes faster when they are with their loved one and intentionally slows down when they are apart

Wow. I love this ending. This was such a smooth story that I didn't expect it to be in a legend kind of format, but with this explanation, the story takes on a whole new meaning. The sentence itself, however, is kind of clunky. Try something like 'Since then, time goes faster when people are with their loved ones and slows down when they are apart'. It's simpler and shorter, and thus easier to understand.

II. Big Things

Overall, I thought that the introduction to the actual story was kind of slow. For example, I don't think, after reading through the whole thing, that there was any point in the paragraph that pondered what Time looked like. What relevance does that have to the story? If it is not necessary, you should remove it, because that also helps the reader go from the introduction to the actual story more quickly.

I loved the characterization you used for Time, and the little details you shared with the reader about this entity. The story, as well, was well-crafted, and the ending was surprising but appropriate. I think you have something with good potential on your hands, but it needs a little cleaning up. Consider adding some more meat to the story as well -- perhaps a specific event that occurs between Time and the person that it loves.

PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like me to review anything else, okay?

-Hannah-

Hey
Thats a really cool story and interesting. It hooked me in straight away. Its a topic nobody else would have usually thought about doing.

Well done & Good luck

I enjoyed readong this. An unusual view on things but gripping at the same time. It was fascinatin to read nice job x



Really liked it x