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In the Realm of the King



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Sat May 30, 2009 1:03 pm
Fortuna says...



Audreyllis had never known the cold before, had never seen winter in all its glory and its destruction. All around the young deity bare branches dangled and cold wind blew. Summer and her children warred against Winter and his armies in an attempt to cause a tip in the balance of power by overturning the Seasons’ rightful order, and Audreyllis carried with him a mighty weapon that could win the war for either side.
King Locyrex of the Winter Realm seemed to Audreyllis the sort of man who treated the pangs and thrills of emotion like nothing more than annoyances. He ruled over a barren land with creatures of the ice- white foxes, polar bears, and crows- to keep him company. He never showed loneliness in his mannerisms or his eyes; his gray eyes reflected a long, persistent hatred but nothing more.
For all of the king's aloofness, he possessed mystery and watching him stirred a feeling in Audreyllis akin to the unveiling of dark, arcane secrets. For this and other reasons Audrellyis, child of the Summer Queen Glaerial, royalty of the realm most despised by Locyrex, crossed borders into the world of ice and snow.
"Child of Summer," the king remarked upon seeing Audreyllis in his realm, "what foolishness brings you here?"
"I bear a gift from King Drozuza of the Chaotic Gods" Audreyllis said, holding up a small wooden box, “which I have not seen the contents of.”
Of course, Audreyllis could guess at the content of the box- something powerful, deadly, and awful. Perhaps handing this box over to Locyrex would result not only in the death of Audreyllis’ cruel mother- what if this god’s bloodlust wouldn’t be satisfied until he killed all of the Summer Monarchy, including Audreyllis’ beloved sister Nezzarade? What if the innocent as well as the guilty received the same punishment for upsetting the balance of the world? Could Audreyllis put that much faith in the Winter King?
"Only a fool would stumble into the land of their enemies, especially carrying something beneficial to their foes." His majesty's cold words flushed Audreyllis' face.
"I do not consider myself a part of this war you wage against my mother. I hold no fear for you and no hatred for your world."
"One of Summer's own children without a fear of death? What a naïve and arrogant child. You have seen mere centuries of this world while I have walked this world since the beginning."
Audreyllis met the gray eyes of the king. Locyrex saw no fear in the bold young deity.
"I, Audreyllis of the Summer Realm, have journeyed from my home and across the mortal world to see the winter realm with my own eyes. I wish to become an ambassador from my lands to you.”
Locyrex looked impassive still.
"You will find death and only death here. I send the frost that kills the crops; I conjure blizzards that silence men, women, and children, I smother the ground with snow and freeze your plants to death."
Audreyllis smiled to Locyrex, "Ah, but death possesses many harbingers, my lord. Though named Audreyllis, many creatures call me Poison. I create beautiful flowers and fruits that mean death for those who ingest or even touch them. My Mistletoe, my Snow Berry, and my Christmas Rose- these poisons stand the trial of your winter and grow when other plants die. My death plants look beautiful or plain, and give long or quick, painful or silent ends to those who eat them. So heed my sincerity, King Locyrex, I do not fear death."
The silence between the two proud monarchs lingered like the chilled breath from Audreyllis' blue lips. Locyrex passed a scrutinizing look over his enemy's offspring and took the box still in Audreyllis’ outstretched hands, responding, "I suppose death's servants would do best to cooperate, especially in times of war. But I must warn you, Audreyllis, that you should not consider me a friend. I will turn you from an ambassador to a hostage if I see an opportune moment."
The King turned and headed deeper into his lands, the frozen white world where death reigned supreme. Out of Locyrex's earshot, Audreyllis whispered,
"I do not fear you." and followed, leaving a single shoot of deadly green behind.
They walked in silence, one behind the other, in a solemn procession through the land of death and virgin snow. Audreyllis marveled at the formations of ice crystals along the trees and streams.
“Young Audreyllis,” Locyrex said, stopping suddenly, “do you enjoy taking the lives of others? Do you revel in that power?”
Locyrex suddenly dived at Audreyllis and threw the younger deity against the snow-covered ground. To Audreyllis’ pale throat he held a black knife, burning with power. The box which had held it lay discarded in the snow.
“Do you even understand what you have given me? This knife has the power to kill even we gods. What shall you do now that I wield such power against you?”
Audreyllis’ eyes narrowed but still gave no sign of fear.
“I think you a fool if you’d prefer to waste such power on me, and not my idiot of a mother who works towards the destruction of the world we try to protect! I thought you wise enough to put aside petty vengeances and work together with me.”
“And what if I put your own mother to death in order to restore balance?”
And what if he did? True Glaerial had treated him harshly, but it didn’t erase the fact of her being Audreyllis’ mother. And again, Locyrex had made no promises not to go after Audreyllis’ innocent siblings. Audreyllis feared putting Nezzarade in danger, but yet…Audreyllis feared the destruction of all things even more.
“All the more reason for her to die. Locyrex; let me help you. Let me stand beside you and right these wrongs. I do not know or care if you really seek some sort of trivial revenge against something she did, but I care about this world.”

To that Locyrex smiled very faintly. “We have more in common than I had initially thought.”
  





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Sat May 30, 2009 9:42 pm
Kale says...



Hello, Fortuna. I'm Kyllorac, and I'll be reviewing you today. :D

Your spelling and grammar were superb overall. I caught a couple missing/misplaced commas, but I think you'll be able to find those on your own. One thing I would like to bring up is that you tend to use more words than needed to say something, and yet you leave important details out. You also tend to make sentences much longer than they have to be. For instance:

Summer and her children warred against Winter and his armies in an attempt to cause a tip in the balance of power by overturning the Seasons’ rightful order, and Audreyllis carried with him a mighty weapon that could win the war for either side.

I believe it would be more effective as:

Summer and her children warred against Winter and his armies, attempting to tip the balance of power by overturning the Seasons' rightful order. One of Summer's sons, Audreyllis, carried with him a mighty weapon that could win the war for either side.

Also, telling us earlier on that Audreyllis is journeying to Locyrex's kingdom makes the whole situation easier to understand right away. As is, it took me until near the middle of the chapter to realize that that Audreyllis was in Locyrex's kingdom.

I adored how you portrayed Summer and Audreyllis as not wholly benign. It's a nice change from the usual summer = everything nice. Locyrex seems pretty typical for an embodiment of winter, however, I believe I espy some depth to his character. :3 In short, wonderful job with the characters so far. I would like to see more of them.

The plot itself, from what brief bits you've shown, has also gotten me interested. I eagerly await the next part. :D
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Sun May 31, 2009 1:19 am
octocoffee says...



Wow, this was great, absolutely fantastic. I'm octocoffee by the way, nice to meet you.

But as mentioned, spelling and grammar were impeccable. I'm terribly jealous of your skills. The names are beautiful as well, I love saying them. If you ever decide to expand on this, please PM me. It's really interesting to personify the seasons, and I'm really interested in how the conflict started, and just why Summer seeks all of this power. I also thought that you characterized them well; Locyrex and Audreyllis have their fair share of 'good' and 'bad', which rounds them off as characters. In this way, I like the both of them.

I have only one thing I think could be improved. I wish I was a better reviewer, so as to help you fully form this piece. But you've done all of it so well, it's so difficult to pick out mistakes. Here is what I thought was a little confusing:

For this and other reasons Audrellyis, child of the Summer Queen Glaerial, royalty of the realm most despised by Locyrex, crossed borders into the world of ice and snow.


The commas threw me off. Perhaps you could do... this? "For this and other reasons Audrellyis - child of the Summer Queen Glaerial, royalty of the realm most despised by Locyrex - crossed borders into the world of ice and snow."

Anyway, nice work! It definitely deserved to be in your school's literary magazine. I'd love to read more of your work in the future :D
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
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Sun May 31, 2009 11:12 am
Fortuna says...



Kyllorac and Octocoffee, it's a pleasure to meet the both of you!
Thank you so much for your kind and honest reviews, I shall keep your cirtiques in my mind and your praise in my heart. :)
I unfortunately have put this particular story on the backburner, because it still requires some work in the worldbuilding and some plothole fixes. Nevertheless, I'm glad that I've sparked an interest about my characters and this story.
Also, Kyllorac- congrats. You're the first person I know of to correctly guess that Audreyllis was a boy. I purposefully wrote this piece without gender pronouns towards Audreyllis just to prove I could XD
  








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