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Chasing Shadows; Ch. 1



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Sat May 30, 2009 9:10 am
sugarxsnow says...



Chapter I – Bloody Rose

1800's

The soft melody of the music box faded through the dimly lit room. With a soft clickety-click-click of the small, brass winding key, the haunting notes flitted gently through the misty evening air once again, whiffing along the bed covers as it blew away puffs of snow past the charred and dusty window.
A subtle cry echoed from the interior of the house. There, huddled inside a cloak of gathered blankets, was a dark-eyed, fair young girl, looking distraught and alone as she sat atop the dirt and grime of the ancient wooden floor. It creaked lightly under her weight as she adjusted her seat on its planks; her feeble legs tiring from the weary position they had been in for quite some time now. Her heart hammered against her chest loudly. The music had stopped. She pressed her ear onto the floor and listened.

It was quiet.

Anxiety bubbled up inside her.

“The wood’s warm,” she thought to herself as she retreated to her shelter of thick blankets, the small melodious trinket box clasped tightly in one hand, and wound them tighter around her small form. “The wood’s unnaturally warm and blistery.” She dared not set her foot down the steps and towards the living room. Her head was already spinning with nerve-wracking distress.
There, as she sat still and unobtrusive inside the sanctuary of the parlour, nightmarish forethoughts plagued her mind. These visions were so vivid – so real, in fact, that she cried and shook her head violently, taking her some few minutes to realize that there was entirely nothing to fear. The vestiges of the trance still remained to her until now. She shook her head wildly and forced the thoughts into complete oblivion.
“Just a little while... I’ll wait just a little while longer.” The undersides of her gaunt thighs were already seared with light crimson bumps due to the prolonged contact to the burning wood. “They’ll come for me, and we shall leave this place all together. We shall live all together. They’ll come. Oh, they better. They still breathe – oh, God, tell me they still breathe. They breathe, and they live, and they shall laugh with me, and sing with me, and play with me once again – dear little sorrowful self, why are you in such woe? They live.” She reassured herself almost too firmly, as she was already on the brink of breaking down into hysteria. She curled herself up into a ball.
Finally gathering a handful of courage and resolve, she placed one cold foot onto the scorching staircase steps. She hurried down, neglectful of the sting of crimson flames which continued to lick violently at the soles of her bare feet.
She was too late. All that remains of those she once treasured had been reduced to nothing - charred debris of coaly skin and burning flesh and bones, almost completely unrecognizable as they are devoured ever so vigorously by the fire. Out at the far corner, a pair of ghastly, beady eyes stared down at her with a dead, steady gaze, as if inflicting yet more remorse into the girl's already unstable conscience. A slab of wood fell from the height of the ceiling, along with the scattering of burnt limbs and the cracking of several bones; hardly any blood left inside the body's dried and shriveled tissue. She averted her eyes.

A nauseating, empty feeling sank slowly down into the depth of her hollow core.

The girl sobbed and wailed, her neck arching into an unnatural curve as an almost inhuman ululation was released from the back of her throat in such a way that was completely heart-wrenching for anyone to hear or bear witness to. Her dark eyes was strangely devoid of tears. Her hands seemingly took on a life of their own, almost tearing off her hair and beating wildly onto the girl's own frail chest. Her voice began to grow hoarse.
How entirely foolish she felt! Never in her life did she experience such misery; the mere consequence of lacking courage during a time she didn’t even dare think of as dire turns out to be more desperate and guilt-inflicting than any wicked deed could ever impose onto a man. She pressed the small trinket box close to her heaving bosom and cried out some more, helpless, fraught and bereft of those she held most dear. She is alone, and now, she will always be. Something that is lost can never be brought back again.
These few words lashed at her like a stinging whip.
The air was barely still, stirring with the intoxicating, heady scent of burning flesh and smoke. The girl, however, didn’t care nor mind the extreme heat any longer. She was already so confused and unnerved and half-mad, much so that any more uncertainties to add up to her own would make her head burst. At the back of her mind, her malicious visions played themselves back and again, making her hate herself even more. If anything, all she wanted was to become a different person, any person at all, besides herself. Oh, but who would be foolish enough to stand in her shoes? Reality is cruel. Reality is unmerciful and ruthless.

The shuffling of heavy, iron boots resonated amidst the wicked cackling of fire.

The girl’s eyes widened. She tried to stand up on her own frail legs once again, but to no avail. The footfalls sounded closer; the heavy, candid treading echoing through the vast room. With the quickening of her pulse, and the tightening of her chest, the girl ran away from them frantically, past debris of charred wood and an eternal sea of crimson which stretched endlessly in front of her and all around the mansion.

A sickening squelch came from beneath her as she inadvertently trampled over a freshly roasted corpse’s rib, puncturing her left foot deeply and exposing her own flesh onto the dead man’s own warm, burnt tissue – a barbaric, stomach-churning sight of charred, bloodied meat still clinging to dried, cracked bone and mashed internal organs – a man she soon recognized to be her father. She yelped in horror and scampered away. Much to her surprise, the stranger’s silhouette was vividly visible, just a few meters in front of herself. A man; she knew from his bulky, lean figure - curved his neck at her in a menacing manner. Her head spun with terror.
Her little mouth merely hung open as if to say something, but no words, aside from senseless babble and choking noises, escaped from her lips. Her bright, amethyst eyes reflected his likeness in their glassy sheath of welled-up tears: raven hair, a mocking, sinister smile playing at the corners of his lips, thin, arched eyebrows and light auburn eyes; turning crimson as an illusion of the flames which danced and waved near his pleasing patrician countenance.
He grabbed her harshly by the length of her hair, twisting a thick weave of her ginger-coloured locks through slender fingers and yanking her head up, forcing her to face him. She gasped and struggled from his iron grip. He struck her across the face with such inhuman strength, it was a miracle that her neck didn't snap. She felt sickeningly light. A pair of cold, sturdy arms scooped her away from the hungry flames just as the flames began to consume her, but a hint of doubt replaced the gratitude she almost felt as she caught another glimpse of the man's cold, unsympathetic gaze.
In the trickery of light and the dancing of crimson fire, a pattern of rose filled the vast marble floor. It flickered and grew upon wolfing away the remains of everything it touches. It burned brighter, got more sweltering than before, and bloomed as dynamically as spider lilies in the first of spring, ironically living up to the mansion's name.

Red Rose.


Bloody Rose.


With one last, labored breath, she caught a whiff of smoke inside her faltering lungs.

Slowly, everything dissolved into darkness...
Last edited by sugarxsnow on Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:51 am, edited 5 times in total.
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  





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Sat May 30, 2009 2:29 pm
EmmaJane says...



Hey!
Your Quote at the start really caught my eye. You shouldn't have moved it! :)

Your writing is very sophisticated, perhaps a little too sophisticated. I felt it was a little too descriptive. When you add too much description the reader tends to skim a little over lengthy paragraphs.

It took me a while to realise she was in a fire. Probably due to not paying attention. ^^' And I only realised when you said about the flames licking at her feet. - By the way, I loved how you used "licking" rather than boring, old "burning" :)

I also love how you start with the sweet mystery of the light, tinkling sound coming from the music box.

“The wood’s warm,” She thought to herself as she retreated to her shelter of thick blankets...
To me it looks too much like she's saying it. Perhaps if you put the thought in italics. Like: The wood’s warm, she thought to herself as she retreated to her shelter of thick blankets..." Ah, now I see. Warm because of the fire. Right. Sorry.

...so real, in fact, that she cried and yelped and shook her head,
Repetitive use of the word "and"

Oh, how entirely daft she felt!
"Daft?" Somehow seems the wrong word to use amidst all the agony you're conveying. Foolish, perhaps?

The girl’s eyes widened. She tried to stand up on her own frail legs once again, but to no avail. The footsteps sauntered closer. With the quickening of her pulse, and the tightening of her chest, the stranger’s candid treading echoed through the vast room still. The girl ran away from them frantically.


So, she couldn't stand and then all of a sudden she runs? Hmm.. Maybe you could say the fear those footsteps inspired in her ran through her veins like fuel, giving her the energy to flee. Something like that, ^^ It's an awful example.

A sickening squelch came from beneath her as she inadvertently trampled over a freshly roasted corpse’s rib, puncturing her left foot deeply and exposing her own flesh onto the dead man’s own warm, burnt tissue – a barbaric, stomach-churning sight of charred, bloodied meat still clinging to dried, cracked bone and mashed internal organs – a man she soon recognized to be her father.


All of this is one sentence! Long sentences slow down a piece of writing. If it's an action bit, like this, you want to speed it up a little. I get you're trying to sound rich with all these unnecessary words, but for me it just slows it down. I don't feel her panic or her sense of desperation at all as well as I probably should. Okay, I picture it exactly, but you can do that with smaller, sharper sentences. - And do ribs "squelch" ? I thought they'd crack!. mind you, I haven't experienced this at all as I've not crushed my father's ribs in the middle of a roaring fire. So, I wouldn't know. :)

A pair of cold, sturdy arms lifted her away from the hungry flames just in the nick of time, but she highly doubts that this was done in order to save her life.
Maybe it was done to save her life, they just didn't do it because they cared about her. Dunno, your story. But if they didn't want to save her life, why do it? And I noticed you slipped into future tense a little, but it's done all the time :)
"She highly doubts that this was done in order to save her life." Plus the "highly doubts" sounds a little preachy for a frightened, partly-unconscious girl.

BUT, apart from those errors, it was great. Well done!

Sorry for the really long review... ^^'

Keep writing!

~ EmmaJane ~
  





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Sat May 30, 2009 3:16 pm
chenka says...



Maybe it's my lack of experience in reviewing other pieces, but I don't think I found any other mistakes that EmmaJane hadn't covered.
Well done over all, the descriptions definitely made me read over it a few times to get into the story, but otherwise it was a nice read.
I enjoyed the ending the most, and it is definitely a nice stopping point.
I seriously don't think I have anything else to write, except good job, and keep writing like this. =3

-Chenka.
  





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Sat May 30, 2009 8:48 pm
sugarxsnow says...



...
Last edited by sugarxsnow on Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  





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Sun May 31, 2009 1:58 am
ZaddieCaso says...



one of my first completed books is called Chasing Shadows, at first I kind of had a heart attack and thought someone had copied it, but no fear :)
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre
  





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Sun May 31, 2009 4:02 am
Bickazer says...



Hello, I'll be your reviewer for today. :) Be warned, I'm rather...nitpicky.

The soft melody of the music box echoed and faded through the dimly lit room.


"Echoed" and "faded" are opposite ideas...it seems better to connect the words through not "and" as if listing them, but saying, "echoed before fading" or something of the ilk.

With a soft clickety-click-click of the small, brass winding key, the haunting notes flitted gently through the misty evening air once again, whiffing along the bed covers as it blew away puffs of snow past the charred and dusty window.


"It"? To what is this "it" referring? I see a pronoun with no antecedent; you might want to make this "it" more clear.

A subtle cry is heard from the interior of the house.


You switched tenses here; I think this story's meant to be in past tense?

There, perched inside a cloak of gathered blankets,


Nice image, though I don't see people "perching" inside blankets; more like huddling or hiding or whatnot.

It creaked lightly under her weight as she adjusted her seat on its planks


I'm pretty sure this "it" refers to the floor; but it's not immediately clear. Say "the floor" at the beginning of the sentence.

her feeble legs tiring from the weary position it had been in for quite some time now


Gaah! More "it"s! In this case, this "it" is the wrong pronoun. I think you mean "they", if you're referring to her legs.


Anxiety bubbled up inside her.


Nice, short, sentence that says a lot in few words. :) However, I don't think the "up" is quite necessary.

“The wood’s warm,” She thought to herself as she retreated to her shelter of thick blankets – the small melodious trinket box clasped tightly in one hand – and wound them tighter around her small form. “The wood’s unnaturally warm and blistery.”


Usually, thoughts are put in italics, not quotes, but I guess it's matter of preference. *shrugs* Also, I'm not quite sure what's going on with the "trinket box".

Her head was already spinning with nerve-wracking distress.


It's just me, but I feel that "from" flows better than "with".

forethoughts


"Forethoughts"? *confused*

Oh, how the poor girl feared to face such sights!


This gets a little ham-fisted and over-the-top, to be honest. You were doing well with subtlety earlier in the paragraph, so just remove this sentence. You might want to describe what these visions exactly are, too, instead of just saying they scare her? It'll help the reader sympathize if they can see what she's seeing (unless there's a plot reason for the visions to remain hidden from the reader?)

The undersides of her gaunt thighs were already seared with light crimson bumps due to the prolonged contact to the burning wood.


Nice description; it's the little details like this that make writing concrete and make it really jump out.

They’ll come for me, and we shall leave this place all together. We shall live all together. They’ll come. Oh, they better. They still breathe – oh, God, tell me they still breathe. They breathe, and they live, and they shall laugh with me, and sing with me, and play with me once again – dear little sorrowful self, why are you in such woe? They live.” She reassured herself almost too firmly, as she was already on the brink of breaking down into hysteria. She curled herself up into a ball.


Who's the "they" she's talking about? I feel it's meant to be intentionally vague, but it's a little too vague; I'm completely loss. I'll excuse the formal way she's talking though (even though it'd usually bother me) because of the time period this story's set in.

Finally gathering a handful of courage and resolve


I like the touch with the "handful". It's more concrete than saying "a little bit" or whatnot.

, she placed one cold foot onto the scorching staircase steps.


"On to" is two words.

She hurried down, unmindful of the sting of crimson flames which continued to lick violently at the soles of her bare feet.


"Unmindful"? I'm not sure if that's a word, and even if it was, it sounds a bit weird...maybe say "heedless"? That's more formal than "not caring about", so it'll fit with the old-fashioned tone you're going for.

Alas, she was too late.


Alas...? *twitch* Oh well, I suppose it's a time period touch, but that word just bothers me unless it's used sarcastically. That's my tastes speaking, though.

All that remains of those she once loved the most were reduced only to charred debris of something somewhat comparable to mere slabs of coaly wood when they had been eaten away by the fire.


This sentence just feels long and messy; it'd probably be better cut into two and if some unnecessary words ("only", "somewhat", "mere") were trimmed. Good writing usually says the most in the fewest words. *feels like a hypocrite saying that, given the way I write...*

A deep, dark and empty feeling sank slowly into the bottomless pit of her hollow chest.


You've got too many adjectives going on here; it's better to use concrete details than throwing around vague adjectives. Such as what you did earlier with the "handful" and describing her burned legs.

The girl sobbed in such a way that was completely heart-wrenching for anyone to hear


Never in her life did she experience such misery


These two lines are a bad example of telling versus showing; don't just "tell" us that she was sobbing in a "completely heart-wrenching" manner or say that she never experienced such misery before: Show us. Show us the way the sobs wrack her thin frame, the way she covers her face with her hands, the whimpering animal noises she's making, etc. Again, concrete details are better than vagueness. :)

the mere consequence of lacking courage during a time she didn’t even dare think of as dire out of her own silly distress turns out to be more desperate and foolish and guilt-inflicting than any wicked deed could ever impose onto a man.


Agh, another monster of a sentence that could do with some splitting and pruning.

Oh, how entirely daft she felt!


Again, my preferences are making me twitch at this, but again it adds to the old-time atmosphere, so...*shrugs* Sorry my sensibiltiies are so monstrous.

her heaving bosom


That's better; concrete details. :) I always feel that when a character's having an emotional reaction, you ought to describe their physical reaction as well. It makes it more real and, dare I say it, concrete.

Something that is lost can never be brought back again.


This feels a tad unnecessary, though I notice you incorporate it later in the story (with the words lashing her like a whip)...I dunno, maybe have her think the words, instead of just having them be narrative?

The air was barely still. It stirred with the intoxicating, heady scent of burning flesh and smoke.


You don't need the "barely still" part; knock that off and just ay "The air stirred with..."

The girl, however, didn’t care nor mind the heat anymore.


Caring and minding are the same thing; just pick one verb so you aren't being redundant.

She was already so confused and unnerved and half-mad


Eek! Never use three words when one will do: Pick one and stick with it. I do like the nice physical description you've got going with her head hurting, though. That's good.

Oh, but who is foolish enough to stand in her shoes? Reality is cruel. Reality is so unmerciful and ruthless.


I like the bit before this; it really makes us sympathize with the character, and isn't over-the-top or emo. But these lines feel a bit schmaltzy and don't really add to the narrative; consider cutting them.


The shuffling of heavy, iron boots resonated amidst the wicked cackling of fire.


Ah, nice. A short, emphatic sentence that conveys a strong image using few words. *feels slightly envious*

With the quickening of her pulse, and the tightening of her chest, the stranger’s candid treading echoed through the vast room still.


I can sort of see what you're going for here, but the way it's phrased is rather confusing. Clarify a little.

A sickening squelch came from beneath her as she inadvertently trampled over a freshly roasted corpse’s rib, puncturing her left foot deeply and exposing her own flesh onto the dead man’s own warm, burnt tissue – a barbaric, stomach-churning sight of charred, bloodied meat still clinging to dried, cracked bone and mashed internal organs – a man she soon recognized to be her father.


Wow...now this is wonderfully concrete image. Describing a horrible scene, but yeah. Concrete, using solid details to give us a solid image. A rather disgusting image...*shudders* I felt sick inside just reading those lines, which is good; you're getting a visceral response from the reader. *shudders again*

She yelped in horror and scampered away.


You don't need "in horror"l the previous lines already should convey her horror.

Her head was spinning with terror.


"Her head spun with terror" would be more emphatic.

Her bright, amethyst eyes reflected his likeness in their glassy sheath of welled-up tears


Her eyes are amethyst? You should probably have mentioned that detail earlier. I do like the imagery of a "glassy sheath" of tears, though.

raven black hair, a mocking, sinister smile playing at the corners of his lips, thin, arched eyebrows and light auburn eyes


This is a nice description, but again sometimes you're using two words when one will do. You don't need to say "raven black" because raven and black are kind of...the same color. And maybe find one word to encompass "mocking and sinister".

He grabbed her harshly by the length of her hair.


Don't just say "grabbed harshly"; describe what that harshness is. Does he twisted the hair between his fingers and yank her head back? Again, concrete details. :)

He struck her across the face with a strength so inhuman to her, it was a miracle that her neck didn't snap


"Strength so inhuman to her" feels clunky; just use "such inhuman strength".

A pair of cold, sturdy arms lifted her away from the hungry flames just in the nick of time


Given the formal tone of the rest of the story, "in the nick of time' feels a bit too colloquial.

, but she highly doubts that this was done in order to save her life.


Watch out; you've switched tenses again.

Overall, I'd have to say that the biggest problem with this piece is verbosity--you often use five words when one will do. Concentrate not on flinging adjectives around but building specific, concrete images. It's hard, I know, and I have problems with verbosity as well...>_> But word economy is a part of good writing.

You were very successful at conveying a specific tone, though (save the few more schmaltzy moments). A lot of writers can be inconsistent when trying to build up a certain narrative voices, but except for one slip ("the nick of time"), your tone remained a sort of formal, detached, old-fashioned other-worldiness. You did a good job at creating a haunting image and building suspense. Just tighten your sentences a bit more and you'll have a very successful mood piece.

I feel that maybe this shouldn't be a first chapter, though, but a prologue? It's just me, but I really don't like vague introductions in writing. Vagueness should be contained in a prologue, not the actual start of a story. Then again, this is your story, so if you want to start it off on a mysterious note, who am I to protest? I'm wondering about the visions the girl sees, though--maybe you should have described them a little. It was an intriguing start to a story, and I'm curious to know more--who is the man, why does this girl have this power, what visions does she see, etc.

I know I was horribly nitpicky...>_> Forgive me. I feel especially like a hypocrite for ranting about word economy when that's something I have trouble with, too...
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.
  





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Sun May 31, 2009 10:40 am
EmmaJane says...



Ah. okay. Perhaps you could put the time (1875) at the start of the chapter, Like:

Chasing Shadows

Chapter I – Bloody Rose

1875

If you're writing in that time period, then I totally recommend "A Great and Terrible Beauty" by Libba Bray who also writes in that kind of style. Seriously, look it up and check out that style. Maybe I'm kinda biased 'cause it's one of my favorite books, but it's set around that time - I think. Can't remember the dates exactly. :S

Also, the next chapter will explain why she wasn't actually saved from the fire. They have <spoiler-spoiler-spoiler-spoiler> for the <spoiler-spoiler-spoiler-spoiler> and her family was <spoiler-spoiler-spoiler-spoiler>, that's why she was taken away.


Ah! My Gawd, I SO want to know more. PM me when the next part's up, please!

No, but broken tissue does. The internal organs were mashed, and the girl's foot was punctured, right? That was the squelch you heard. I thought I mentioned cracking, too, but I dunno...


Lovely.... So glad I brought that point up, lol. Excuse me if I'm turning a little green :S

Looking at it with new eyes it's a great piece. ^^
Write some more soon, please! Oh, and PM me when it's up ^^
Thanks :)

~ EmmaJane ~
  





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Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:27 am
sugarxsnow says...



...
Last edited by sugarxsnow on Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  





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Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:37 am
mikedb1492 says...



I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeating on my part. So, let's get started!

The soft melody of the music box echoed and faded through the dimly lit room. With a soft clickety-click-click of the small, brass winding key, the haunting notes flitted gently through the misty evening air once again, whiffing along the bed covers as it blew away puffs of snow past the charred and dusty window.

Creeeeeeepy... I like it. Way to set the mood.

It creaked lightly under her weight as she adjusted her seat on its planks; her feeble legs tiring from the weary position it had been in for quite some time now.

Since you're using a semicolon, you should change the second part to "her feeble legs were tired from the weary position they had been in for quite some time now."
Also note I changed "it" to "they".
The way you have it, you should probably use a comma instead of a semicolon. But if you want to keep the semicolon, it would be best to change it to my example.
Her heart hammered onto her chest loudly. The music had stopped. She pressed her ear onto the floor and listened.

This would work better if you changed "onto" to "against" since onto makes it sound like she has a heart atop her chest that's flopping around. Then also change "onto" to "to" in the second sentence. Hi. This is me nitpicking. I hope it doesn't bother you... Well, moving on.

“The wood’s warm,” She thought to herself as she retreated to her shelter of thick blankets – the small melodious trinket box clasped tightly in one hand – and wound them tighter around her small form.

First, you need commas, not hyphens. As it is now, with and without the hyphen change, it's too long. So the ideal set up would be...
"The wood's warm," she said to herself (notice how I didn't capitalize the 's' in 'she'? This is because someone was speaking. Be sure to look out for that). She retreated to her shelter of thick blankets, the small, melodious trinket box (notice how I put a comma after 'small'? I did this because you have two words describing 'trinket box', so you need a comma to separate them) clasped tightly in one hand, and wound them tightly around her small form.
These visions were so vivid – so real, in fact, that she cried and yelped and shook her head, taking her some few minutes to realize that there was entirely nothing to fear.

A comma could be used instead of the hyphen in this situation.

“Just a little while – I’ll wait just a little while longer.”

You use way too many hyphens, you know that? Usually, in stories, you'll see them scarcely, but in here I've seen them more times than in most books I've read. Try to cut back on them, because they're not necessary. Here are common times they should be used. Anything varying too much from this is usually wrong except for in some rare situations, which are the ones I think you're trying to do (the little secret about it, though, is that even in those situations, they're not necessary). So just stick to using it in ways as listed below, and no where else. That's what I do, and it works out fine.

"Look! It's a two-legged deer!"
It's a tool-like object.
It's the mother-in-law.
I played halo in co-opt.
I'm pro-life.
He's a well-known performer.

Do you kind of get what I'm getting at?
Anyway, back to the quoted sentence above. You should write it as "Just a little while. I'll wait just a little while longer." or if you want more of a pause "Just a little while... I'll wait just a little while longer."

Alright, moving on.

The undersides of her gaunt thighs were already seared with light crimson bumps due to the prolonged contact to the burning wood.

Hi. This is me nitpicking again. Please bear with me, for this one is probably more for you to decide, but I still feel I should give my suggestions.
Okay, light crimson... That's pink. I suggest just saying "seared with pink bumps". Or if it's darker than pink, just say "red bumps", because crimson is an intense word for red. It feels powerful. I'd consider it fitting well if you used it like "his back was burned crimson because he didn't wear a shirt" because that's intense. But in this situation, we're talking about a skinny little girl and the bumps on her legs. It just seems a little too extreme for bumps on a dainty, little girl.
Anyway, this is me nitpicking, and I'll leave the decision to you.

“They’ll come for me, and we shall leave this place all together. We shall live all together. They’ll come. Oh, they better. They still breathe – oh, God, tell me they still breathe. They breathe, and they live, and they shall laugh with me, and sing with me, and play with me once again – dear little sorrowful self, why are you in such woe? They live.” She reassured herself almost too firmly, as she was already on the brink of breaking down into hysteria. She curled herself up into a ball.

"we shall leave this place all together" just sounds weird to me. Change it and the one after to "we shall all leave".
Now I don't know the exact way to use a hyphen, but I'm pretty sure the first one is actually in a place that it's meant to be. Good job on that one. But the second one should be replaced with a period.
All that remains of those she once loved the most were reduced only to charred debris of something somewhat comparable to mere slabs of coaly wood when they had been eaten away by the fire.

Remember to stay in past tense. Change "remains" to "remained".
Also, this is a big run on. If you don't mind, I'll trim the fat off this sentence for you. In other words, I'll show you which words only hinder the sentence. Here it is...
All that remained of those she loved was chard debris comparable to wood that's been eaten away by fire.
There we go! We get the same message across with half the effort. You should skim through your work and try and find words that are unnecessary. This will greatly increase the fluidity of this piece.

Never in her life did she experience such misery; the mere consequence of lacking courage during a time she didn’t even dare think of as dire out of her own silly distress turns out to be more desperate and foolish and guilt-inflicting than any wicked deed could ever impose onto a man.

This time around, a period works better than a semicolon. Next is the issue of length. This sentence is huge! I kept thinking to myself, "when in the world will it end?" A consistent problem of yours tends to be run-on sentences. I think this comes from you trying to use that old style of writing, trying to pretty it up with complex wording. Writing in this older way is fine, but you've got to take into account the fluidity of the peace and the length of the sentences. Be sure to read through your pieces thoroughly, and if you feel fluidity is lost, don't hesitate to change it.

It stirred with the intoxicating, heady scent of burning flesh and smoke.

Just to show descriptive prowess, also mention the smell of burning hair. Burning hair is supposed to smell horrible because of the sulfur compounds within. When I think about it, the hair would probably smell worse, because all flesh really is, is meat. I mean you wouldn't eat it, because that's weird (and illegal in the United states (excluding Texas (sorry Texas. That was cheap))).
Anyway, keep the smell of burning flesh, because I'm sure it doesn't smell great. I was just trying to make the point that burning hair deserves mentioning. Well that was a fun rambling. Moving on.

She was already so confused and unnerved and half-mad, and any more uncertainties to add up to her own would make her head burst.

This was worded oddly, so you should rephrase it. Also, don't say "and" as much. It gets repetitive.

If anything, all she wanted was to become a different person – any person – besides herself.

Change the first hyphen to a comma, ditch the second one, and all will be well.

Oh, but who is foolish enough to stand in her shoes? Reality is cruel. Reality is so unmerciful and ruthless.

Change the first "is" to "would be". Then change the other two "is"s to "was". Remember to keep past tense at all times.

The shuffling of heavy, iron boots resonated amidst the wicked cackling of fire.

Comma after "wicked". Remember what I said earlier about how if two words describe the same word, then you need to separate them by commas? Well here's another example.

With the quickening of her pulse, and the tightening of her chest, the stranger’s candid treading echoed through the vast room still.

Get rid of "still".
A sickening squelch came from beneath her as she inadvertently trampled over a freshly roasted corpse’s rib, puncturing her left foot deeply and exposing her own flesh onto the dead man’s own warm, burnt tissue – a barbaric, stomach-churning sight of charred, bloodied meat still clinging to dried, cracked bone and mashed internal organs – a man she soon recognized to be her father.

Kudos to you for this part. It's creepy, a little sick, and just what the reader needs to continue being hooked. The problem is the hyphens once again. You need to replace them with commas. However, this sentence will still be a huge run on. Go through it, trim the fat like I did a few tips back, and separate it into more than one sentence.

crooned his neck at her in a menacing manner.

Croon: to sing softly.
That's the definition of croon. I know what you're trying to say, because the word feels like it would work, but it just doesn't. You'll have to find another one.

Her little mouth merely hung open as if to say something, but no words – aside from senseless babble and choking noises– escaped from her lips.

Use commas instead of hyphens.

Her bright, amethyst eyes reflected his likeness in their glassy sheath of welled-up tears: raven black hair, a mocking, sinister smile playing at the corners of his lips, thin, arched eyebrows and light auburn eyes; almost crimson as flames danced and waved near his pleasing patrician countenance.

This sentence is pushing it, but I think it works well enough without verging on run on. This is mostly because its made up of quick, short sections. The last part, though, starting with "almost crimson" on, makes no sense. I'm not sure at all what that last part means, so I won't try fixing it. I'll just leave it to you.

but she highly doubts that this was done in order to save her life.

Remember to stay in the past tense. I believe you can fix this one without my help.

Despite my hefty critique, I actually really enjoyed this. You've got an interesting style going for this story. It still isn't working quite yet because you need to work out the kinks, but with a bit of time and work, it could be great! Also, try not to abuse the hyphen and keep your sentences from becoming run ons. Otherwise, good job. It was a very creepy, intriguing beginning to your story. I liked it. Good luck with the rest of it.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:36 am
sugarxsnow says...



...
Last edited by sugarxsnow on Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  





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Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:19 pm
mikedb1492 says...



By the way, your review wasn't too repetitive at all of what others have already mentioned about this piece, but it's just as helpful!


Ah, good. That's usually the reason why I don't review pieces of writing with a load of reviews, because I feel like I'll sound like a broken record.

Well, good luck with editing!
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:59 am
PhantomInvader says...



Perhaps it's my naivete, but I can't find anything terribly wrong with this piece (well, nothing that I can point out without sounding like a broken record).

So I'll tell you what I do like, because there's plenty of that.

The soft melody of the music box echoed and faded through the dimly lit room. With a soft clickety-click-click of the small, brass winding key, the haunting notes flitted gently through the misty evening air once again, whiffing along the bed covers as it blew away puffs of snow past the charred and dusty window.


May I just say that this opening itself is what drew me in? I got intrigued by the eerie mood created by your word choice. I live for that kind of stuff.
And I can just picture what you're describing here, and I like what I see.
[that was a corny thing to say, I'm sorry]

“Just a little while – I’ll wait just a little while longer.” The undersides of her gaunt thighs were already seared with light crimson bumps due to the prolonged contact to the burning wood. “They’ll come for me, and we shall leave this place all together. We shall live all together. They’ll come. Oh, they better. They still breathe – oh, God, tell me they still breathe. They breathe, and they live, and they shall laugh with me, and sing with me, and play with me once again – dear little sorrowful self, why are you in such woe? They live.” She reassured herself almost too firmly, as she was already on the brink of breaking down into hysteria. She curled herself up into a ball.


I myself like writing about how certain situations effect the human psyche, and exactly how much stress the mind can take before reaching, well, hysteria.
And in this, it's--it's like I can hear the pure, heartbreaking desperation in her tone. Creeepy. [Three 'E's.]


I liked the flow, I liked the diction, I did notice a few mistakes but they were pretty much covered by everyone else above me, so.
Awesome piece.

--Phanny
  





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Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:34 am
sugarxsnow says...



...
Last edited by sugarxsnow on Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  





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Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:09 am
gracielle von rouge says...



Wow... *claps hands* I have nothing more left to say! The previous critics have covered almost everything, I guess... You meanies! :lol:


This is an awesome piece. PM me when its done, OK? I would love to read more of this in the future, and I know you'll do well enough. Keep it up!



*gold star*




- Grace
  





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39 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:32 am
sugarxsnow says...



...
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.
  








"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening