Young Writers Society

This took me two days to finish. What I'd really like is critique on characterization and prose. This is pretty much my first time portraying Iris and Arion interacting, since she hasn't shown up yet in the actual story they're in. I want to get used a feel for them before she appears.

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Arion had found her huddled within her room, curled up so delicately in the night, moonlight spilling through the grand window behind her. She wore nothing, and when she moved, the light flashed across her sallow skin like a chalky film, showing every bit of her insides. He mostly remembered the blue veins that had shown through her hands, and the way her ribs poked through her skin like it was a sheer cloth.

“I came for my map.” He said it so nonchalantly, his face stern and blank.

She said nothing, but stood up and forced him to take in her body. He took in a sharp breath, his eyes darting and straining to avoid her scarce breasts, her absent curves. Every part of her was skin and bone, sharp angles and snatching crevices that weren’t at all like any other woman he had seen.

“Iris,” his voice shook and stifled, “I came for my map.”

“I took a bath just now.”

Of course they weren’t on the same page. She was rarely direct with him; and as his eyes flickered back towards her, he knew she was lying. The moonlight didn’t bounce off of her skin in the right way; there was no slickness or intense shine, just greyish shadows and bluish tints that almost made her healthy.

“Iris, the map.”

She looked at him oddly with a slight tilt of the head.

“Do you know where it is?”

Her grey eyes drifted off to the side and hazed. “Yes.”

She plodded to the left, her feet dragging along the floor, hands and arms moving to finally cover herself as if she was only just aware. Arion was slow to follow, taking deliberate, noiseless steps behind her. Iris led him to a small, dark-wooded drawer in the far corner, untouched by the light in the room. Her hands quaked toward the clasp, and she had barely gripped it before whipping around to face him. Her eyes were suddenly glossy in the absence of light, and her brow twisted into some expression of uncertainty.

“It’s not here.”

Arion crossed his arms. “You didn’t look.”

“It’s not here.”

“I won’t believe you until you look.” He didn’t even know why he was playing these games with her.

She was silent for a moment, her lips quaking. And then she moved towards him, hugging herself tightly again.

“Do something for me.”

Her hands drew close to cup his face, her spindle-fingers playing at his skin. Arion froze up tight. She only continued to stroke at his cheeks; they burned under her touch like fire. Her eyes softened and her lips parted.

She kissed his jaw and pressed herself against him. Suddenly he was hit with a realization as subtle as her flowered perfume, and he jerked away before Iris’s arms could snake around him. She didn’t react, even when Arion mustered up enough indignance to glare.

“Anything but that,” he scowled deeply.

“Hold me.”

“I want my map, Iris.”

She drew near again, her stance tall. Arion knew Iris outnumbered him in height by a good three inches, but she was so waif-like that he could easily break her. And he didn’t want to do that; she was still a companion of his. He just couldn’t do what she seemed to want of him. He didn’t love her, and her sickly gauntness and dark-rimmed eyes did nothing but repel him.

“Iris.” His voice stood firm. “Please, just – my map. That’s all I need from you.”

“Touch me?”

She stood directly in front of the drawer, blocking it with her body. Her lips pressed tightly together, arms hugging her sunken waist.

Arion stood still, arms crossed. He wasn’t getting anywhere, and the longer he stood trying to reason with her, the less progress he was making. Iris wasn’t going to give him his map. She wasn’t going to comply – not this time, not unless he gave in to yet another one of her weird, impossible whims. He could get his map tomorrow. He could get his map another day, but not now.

“Never mind,” he said simply, turning away from her, beginning to leave. But she grabbed him by the wrist with her frail strength and pressed close to him again one final time, shivering back a small, yearning noise and burying her face into his turquoise hair. Then she let him yank away from her, let him slam the door behind him and flee.

She knew he’d come back, though. She “knew” one day he’d let her hold him and he’d explore her deeper places. She knew she wanted him to, and that she wouldn’t let herself stop thinking about him until he gave in.

And, somewhere deep within her, she knew this would never, ever happen.

Hey Eddykins! ^_^ Sorry for this review taking so long. I'm very surprised you haven't received any critiques yet-- I thought this was actually very good. In fact, there's not much for me to say! I don't have nitpicks, so I'll just make some overall comments.

The Same Thing:

One thing I noticed was that so much of the dialogue here is exactly the same. It goes roughly like this:

"Hold me!"

"No, I need my map."

"Touch me!"

"No, I need my map."

"Love me!"

"No, I need my map."

Now, this wouldn't matter so much in a novel, because you'd have so many scenes around it, and this would just blend in a bit more. But posting this as its own little flash on character development, there's not much depth here in the emotions or the dialogue. It's repetitive, and I think it would be nice if you could show your readers another side into Iris and Arion's relationship-- or rather, their lack of a relationship. For example, maybe you could have Iris ask him why we won't touch her, hold her, love her. And have him respond with something other than-- "Give me the map!" Have them react the tiniest bit.

Descriptions and Characters

I do think you did a great job on description. I can envision the room perfectly, and you had the perfect balance between Arion's view of Iris and his view of the room. You did a great job with connecting the physical aspects of Iris (her gaunt, extremely thin features) with some deeper, perhaps more sensitive aspects of her. I have no suggestions in this area, although this was only a brief look into your descriptions.

For characters, however, I would like to see a bit more reaction from Iris. Unless this complete detatchment is part of her nature, she would have taken that rejection at least a bit harshly-- she was pushed away, tossed out, her affections unrequited. Maybe mention a flicker of pain, maybe anger, maybe resentment in her eyes. Even if its in her character *not* to react, show that! Have Arion mention how her eyes were glazed, cold.

She “knew” one day he’d let her hold him and he’d explore her deeper places.

I'd replace that "knew" with knew, in italics. The formatting makes it seem more professional.

All in all, I enjoyed this! I'd be interested in reading this longer project you're working on. PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

Hey there, eddykins.

Dialogue
Okay, Evi made a very good point in her above review. Dialogue is one of the best ways to reveal aspects of your character that you can’t always see within just writing down they’re actions. It’s a way of showing emotion, without telling them. It’s a way of revealing motives without just setting them down on the table. Yes, we learned through the dialogue that Arion want his map and badly, but now use the dialogue to tell us why he wants it and just what he’s willing to do for this map. The same goes for Iris. Why does she want Arion so badly? Why does she refuse to give up the map?

Plot
The way the story moves is actually really well done and you didn’t forget to introduce setting early, which is good. Some writers (me included, and in fact, actually a lot of the time) forget the scene, they create very little scene (such as saying “they were in a room with a table and two chairs.”), or they focus too much on the scene and put paragraphs of description down just to talk about a rug. But here you have a wonderful balance of scene, character description, and action.

Characters
Iris – The way you describe her is so provocative that I’m taken aback by how well you portray her. Not only that, but through her actions, I can sense the longing that she’s feeling and even though I’ve never experienced it, I can still connect.

Arion – As for Arion, you give us very little description, which is actually nice to see. You make mention of his hair, but that’s all. It’s not overdone or cliché. But we’re going to want to see more of him then just anger. Even for a minute, wouldn’t he have felt some lust for Iris, a glint of attraction? He is male after all and I find that most men can be distracted by a naked woman.

Style
I like the way you use words throughout the story. The choice you make for your descriptions throughout are wonderful and they capture the haunted feeling of the room along with the tension between the characters.


Overall, just remember to use dialogue to connect your characters. You’ve got everything else down very well and I actually liked this a lot.

I liked this a lot, and I would definitely critique it but I found nothing other than what the others have posted already, and I don't want to sound like a broken record.

Good luck with your writing!
Rachael