Young Writers Society

He was always so kind to me, only to me,
until enchanted with her smile, he cast me aside
and married her under the sweet orange tree.

I never knew I could till I cried;
the tears cracked a mask of sanity worn
too long. They hit the ground, faded, dried.

For dreams shattered I did not mourn,
nor hopes crushed by his plastic bride.
Not flowers watered with saline, forlorn -

but for the sound of the ocean's tide
as the currents sucked his body into the slime.
He was too young, he shouldn't have died.

I go back to visit the water sometimes,
listen to the waves, in turn, confide;
the ocean knows. I think in tercet rhymes

and remember how he took my pride.
He wasn't even thinking of me.
It was for her that I was denied.

And I'm not sorry when I sit by the sea
that I replaced those pills with cyanide.
Because he deserved it - didn't he?

{song: Cardigan Weather by Meg & Dia - lyrics
word: 018. ate (ruin/delusion)}

Hey Mars!

First off, I love the title. It sounds better in French, so I'd keep it this way.

He was always so kind to me, and only to me,
until enchanted with a smile, he cast us aside
and married her under the sweet orange tree.

This is a beautiful first stanza but I'm pretty sure you mean 'us' and not her.

Still it was his own fault, I have my pride,
and so replaced those pills with cyanide.

I love these two lines!

Overall, I thought that this was really good but I feel that I'm reading an incomplete story. I know this is a poem but poems tells stories as well, and right now this one is just not done. I'd suggest adding some more stanzas and making it a bit longer.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Hi Marsy! *snugs* Before I start, I'm just going to flat out say it - I love your poetry. It's so pretty and it has a lot of meaning. And it's amazing to read. Good job, darling!

He was always so kind to me, only to me,
until enchanted with a smile, he cast me aside
and married her under the sweet orange tree.

That bolded part keeps annoying me some, because I'm not sure whose smile it is. I'm pretty sure it's the girl he ended up marrying, but it had me confuzzled there for a second. Maybe change it to her smile, because I think it would sound better.

nor hopes crushed by his plastic bride.

I love the plastic bride part. I just do.

that I replaced those pills with cyanide.
Because he deserved it - didn't he?

I agree with Angel by saying that I love this two lines. It's the answer to the whole poem and it summarizes it perectly by that last line. It shows the confusion of the girl and she wonders if she did the right thing.


It's a great story it's telling, too. The meaning of it all. I really really loved it. I thought it flowed pretty smoothly and well.

Good job, darling. ^_^

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin

Hey Marz! June here!

(You've attacked the poetry forums lately, I see )

One of the hardest things about people requesting reviews is reviewing the piece and not finding anything worthwhile or valuable to say. *grumbles*

Let's see:

This was pretty much beautiful. The rhyme here was done well, very smooth and fluent and not at all seeming forced.

I love your rhyme scheme here Mars. It's amazingly well done, the 1, 2, 1 -- 2, 3, 2, -- 3, 4, 3 and so on really does wonders here. It's beautiful.

Not to mention the theme is brilliant; the bitter revenge this character has sought has a slight hint of regret to it. Amazingly done, Mars.

(In the future, unless you want me to babble on and on endlessly about your amazingness, give me something with flawz, kthnxbai.)

Brilliant job here, dearie! Good luck in that contest. =]

June