Young Writers Society

I feel that this is an important subject so I've tried to write about it. I would appreciate reviews!

Tears are running dry
Thousands of lives
rest on a single blade.
The choice to live,
to die is up to you.
Hearts will bleed,
scars won't always fade.
Don't
let the demons inside
hide you from what is true.

An infection
that freezes your soul cold,
destroys any kind
of love that remains.
Why
can't they listen
to what they're told?
Instead of have to live in
a world where it only rains.

The tears in your eyes
are running dry.
You
cannot cry,
it brings back memories.
Memories of him,
you just want to know why
they had to take him away,
cause so many agonies.

Every breath your breathing
destroys you,
it cuts you up
and it shatters your heart.
You cannot speak,
you cannot see
anything
except for him.
Let us go back to the start.

Blood
will run dry
and metal will rust.
As they bury the one
you'll always love.
Your soul will cry
and you'll loose all trust.
You want to understand,
you just have to make sense of
the destroyer of lives:knife crime

This is a moving piece which must have been hard to write. Perhaps doing it non-rhyming would have been better as it gives you more freedom - I find less structure offers the ability to add more emotion (with shorter lines, , single words, etc.), but that's probably because I'm awful at writing rhyming poems! I really like the last two verses - especially the way that though the narrator wasn't exactly a 'vicitm' of knife crime, she still says 'it cuts me up', as if she is physically suffering from the wounds inflicted on someone else, as well as mentally. Overall, I thought this was really good, especially the way you changed the structure in the last verse.

This was an effective and emotional piece of writing. Well done!
I'm no good with grammar so I'm not going to comment on that, I'll probably be wrong anyway!
I agree with goat girl that maybe using shorter, one word sentences could be effective but I don't think that the rhyming is really a problem!
My favorite verse is the last one, it closes the poem nicely. I like how you describe that a stabbing isn't only painful for the victim but also for the people around them. I'm not sure if you wrote this poem on experience but if you did than well done! It's a hard thing to do.
Overall, I thought that this poem was very good and I'm looking forward to reading more
xxx

Like the other reviewers I think this poem would be better if the lines were short and choppy. For example:

Thousands of lives rest on a single blade.
The choice to live, to die is up to you.
Hearts will bleed and scars won't always fade.
Don't let the demons inside
hide you from what is true.

Thousands of lives
Rest on a single blade
The choice to live,
To die is up to you
Hearts will bleed
And scars won't always fade
Dont
Let the demons inside
Hide you
From what is true

Instead of have to live in

The word have in this line disrupts the flow so maybe it was suppose to be having?

The tears in my eyes are running dry.
I cannot cry, it brings back memories.

Are you forcing this to rhyme? Because thats the way it feels while reading. Don't try rhyming so hard. The more it doesn't rhyme the better the flow and greater the emotion

Memories of you, please tell me why
they had to take you away,
cause so many agonies.

After personal experience I can tell you this is relatable and that what every piece of work aims for right? Something some one can connect with. Thank you. Good job.

Every breath that I breathe destroys me,
it cuts me up and it shatters my heart.
I cannot speak and I cannot see
anything except for you.
Let us go back to the start.

This is my favorite stanza purely because of the personification and emotion.

Blood will run dry and metal will rust.

Wonderful imagery

the destroyer of lives that is knife crime

The destroyer of lives: Knife crimes: This line should read this way

Overall I think you did good with emotion. I would like to see less rhyming though

Great job

-Tiffany

Hey there, Juniper here!

So, Megan, as you say, this is an important subject to write about. It naturally raises awareness on a certain subject, which is wonderful, because people can never hear enough about a certain situation.

I'd argue though, about the way that this is presented, dear. It's rather -- for lack of a better word-- flat; meaning that it's not giving us any startling images to reflect on, any new way of reading. For all we care now, it's a standard rhyming poem with a different subject.

Now! I mean that in the least-harshest way as possible. Here's what I'm saying:

In the first stanza you're saying "the choice to live is up to YOU".

In a later stanza you are saying "The tears in MY eyes"; it's quite confusing to have a poem like this ,dear. Writing in second person, as you've done in your first stanza, is a tricky thing to master. However, switching between persons and such really, really raises confusion because we're left wondering who to think about and who is the main focus of the poem.

Furthermore, writing about these things in second or third person is sometimes the most effective way to get these messages across. First, because they're controversial, and when you write in first person, saying "I feel, I cry" it's almost as if you're trying to draw sympathy to yourself.

That being said, there are times when a victim can effectively write a piece in first person and have a positive, touching effect on the audience. To speak, this sort of thing has to be done properly-- if the emotions you're throwing around are solely pain and tears, what reason do we have to sympathize? We've all got our pain and tears.

Now! That out of the way, third and second person tense are more observant, so it's almost like you're looking in on them, sympathizing with them, understanding their pain and such forth. It's naturally effective on the general public because it's not easy for everyone to understand.


On the whole, I think you've got a fairly decent poem running here, dear. With a bit of touching up and trimming, you'll have a masterpiece.

Keep it up!

Juniper

I cant believe i fell in love again,
After all that happened i never believed these feeling could develop again,
I was a victim of a horrible relationship where i fell in love who did'nt love me nickel,
But seeing your face every morning when i come in for coffee brightens my entire day,
Your smile lifts me up,
Your voice, can only be likened to an Angel,
Sometimes,
I come in just to see your face,
I thought i'd find love up in the mountains, or in some foreign land,
I looked far and wide for it, but it was right infront of me,
Oh, how do i tell you its not just the coffe?
How do i tell you how i feel without scaring you?
I never felt i'd say this again but,
You make me complete.....
Someday, i'll let you know,
Someday......