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Rebirth Chapter 1



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Wed May 13, 2009 2:57 am
cat4prowl says...



**Author's Note: My first romance story, so sorry for the stumbling. Also, the romance doesn't come till later.**

Chapter 1
Hopscotch was cool, but Casper Wolfe didn’t play. Pigtails were cool, but Casper Wolfe didn’t have them. Skirts were cool, but Casper Wolfe never put one on. And yet, somehow, Casper Wolfe was still cool.

She was cool when she walked into the kindergarten room wearing fluorescent orange clothes and mismatched socks, and she was cool when she stumbled up to the teacher and kicked her in the shins with untied shoes. It was especially cool when she stayed up at naptime talking and laughing like a wild hyena.

On her first day of school she established her explosive personality among her fellow students, and they felt cool talking to her at Playtime.

“Hi, what’s your name?” Casper looked lazily over from where she had been painting to see a short blonde girl wearing all pink and smiling at her. For a moment Casper didn’t respond- she looked back at her mess of a painting, considering. Glancing out of her peripheral vision to make sure the girl was still there, Casper threw the paint brush down and began painting determinedly with her hands. Let the girl make what she would of that! Did she hear an admiring gasp?

“Casper Wolfe,” she answered, smiling at her painting. She dipped her blue hands in the paint again.

The girl was overjoyed to have gotten a response, “Casper? My name’s Melissa! What are you painting?”

Casper shrugged, annoyed with the questions, and answered, “I don’t know.” Melissa was quiet, but Casper could still feel her there. It was her own fault she decided to be so nosy! Casper drew a stick person on her paper and glared at it. She dipped her hands in the blue paint again.

“Cathper?” A new voice joined the pair, and Casper turned more quickly this time, aggravated. Seriously, why did everyone need to know her own business!

She saw a tall boy with messy hair and a smirking smile. His lisp annoyed her, and she responded snippily, “Yeah.”

He answered promptly, a smile brightening his eyes, “I’m Jamie… Cathper… Like Cathper the ghotht?”

Casper stared at Jamie’s grinning face. Had he just called her a ghost? She was annoyed again, her name was much better than a silly ghost. Who was this kid anyways? She glared at him and accused, “What did you just call me?”

“A ghotht! A ghotht, everybody look we have a ghotht in our clath!” The boy reminded her of a monkey, chattering and chirping. His smirk grew more pronounced; he was getting really excited now.

Fists clenched, Casper demanded, “Stop right now.”

“What’cha gonna do? Dithappear, Ghotht?” Jamie leaned forward, a mischievous gleam to his grey-blue eyes.
There were several signs. Casper’s skinny little arms were taut and shivered with violent convulsions as her mind grasped the fact that this little boy was making her feel insignificant and she was losing the struggle for superiority. There was no losing- she couldn’t afford to lose. Her feet inched apart, assuming a wide, bracing, aggressive stance. Her breath came heavily and too fast.

And then Casper smacked Jamie hard, like a whip, knocking him over. As she watched him, lying there at her feet, a great sense of triumph came over her. She sniffed testily in his general direction, ignoring the outrage clear on his face, and returned to her painting. She added a smiley face to the mess which mirrored her own.

As she was contemplating her victory, she heard a small sound somewhere between a sob and a growl. Like a little kicked puppy, she thought. The next thing she knew, Casper was shoved sideways from her easel and onto the purple-carpeted floor.

Their positions were reversed, for there above her stood Jamie. And then Casper Wolfe was really cool- she had an archenemy.
* * * *
Casper slammed the door to the Principal’s Office behind her, rattling the sign that read: Mr. Rhodes, Principal of Woodruff High School. The room she’d entered seemed to dampen and fade with her appearance, the cheery red chairs darkening to blood-red, the oak polished desk tainted poison-purple, and long angled shadows were cast on the man sitting in the chair behind the desk with his arms folded. Casper’s disheveled appearance so contrasted Mr. Rhodes’ crisp formality that it was almost humorous.

Her hair twirled in small wisps and curls around her, several strands in her eyes, and sweat streaked down her pretty face to drip off her prominently pointed nose. A blossoming black eye and a split lip were slapped on almost decoratively, matching with the scuffed and torn baggy cargo pants which hung loosely from her hips. And on either side of her tight green muscle-shirt, which was skewed sideways, her well-toned arms trembled with some strange emotion.

Mr. Rhodes was picture perfect, not a hair out of place. His suit matched his shoes, which complemented his pants which went with the tie that matched his socks. His fingers were steepled decisively, his brow creased with a punishing glare. For a moment it seemed there was just the two of them in the hot, dark room, staring at each other- each daring the other to move.

And the funny thing was Mr. Rhodes knew she wasn’t angry with him at all.

It was not just the two of them in the hot, dark room, though Casper wished it was. For in that room was Jamie Gunner, Casper’s hated rival since her first day at Woodruff Elementary School.

Jamie was similarly out of sorts. One of the legs of his jeans was halfway up his calf, and his formfitting black shirt had been yanked sideways, revealing half of his broad shoulder. His lip and eyebrow were split, his already messy hair was mussed, and a generous scrape adorned his left cheekbone. The expression on his face was one of deadly impassiveness; an eagle patiently eyeing a field mouse.

Casper took a deep breath, her lungs filling painfully, and chose a seat as far from Jamie as possible.

Mr. Rhodes stacked his papers neatly and addressed the two students, “Mrs. Wolfe and Mr. Gunner should be arriving shortly. In the meantime, do either of you have anything to say to each other?”

Oh, Casper had plenty to say to him, that was for sure! But- Jamie’s glare met Casper’s as they both shook their heads- suddenly the room seemed charged with intense anger. Mr. Rhodes cleared his throat like the referee between two professional wrestlers intent on ripping each other’s throats out.

Mr. Gunner entered, his eyes swiveling until they pierced on his son. He was a broad tall man, with laugh lines and a rough appearance. But Jamie seemed to shrivel under the icy glare and Casper was as struck with how alike they looked as she was with a sick pleasure at seeing Jamie squirm.

“Whatever this is about, Mr. Rhodes, I can assure you Jamie will be punished. But, before we go on, I want the specifics. Why are you bleeding, Jamie?” Mr. Gunner’s tone reminded Casper vaguely of her own mother’s, which annoyed her.

Whatever Jamie’s answer was, Casper missed it- because as she turned her attention to listen to it, the sight of him took her back to a few moments ago.

It all happened so fast. One minute she’d been vaguely enjoying her plastic-cheese pizza, and the next it was on her shoe. She remembered the feel of her neck muscles tensing as she turned to see Jamie Gunner standing there, his characteristic smirk taunting. There had been an exchange of nonverbal glares before twelve years of friction snapped and she’d launched at him.

That was the important factor of the story, he’d provoked but she’d attacked first. From then on it’d been a combination fistfight/wrestling match until the lunch lady was able to call security and get them into the office. Their parents had been called and here they were.

“It was a full physical assault on both parts,” Mr. Rhodes suddenly announced, as if to clarify what a fight was. Casper struggled with an unruly laugh and half-succeeded in turning it into a cough.

Jamie’s father looked like he wanted to say something, but Casper’s mom entered at that moment. Dismally, Casper noted she looked flustered and annoyed. Well- as flustered and annoyed as she could look. Casper’s mom was tall, with a long face and defined cheekbones. Blue eyes twinkled when she laughed, testified by her own set of laugh lines, and her dark hair fell silkily to her shoulders. But boy, could she look like a bulldog.

Her gaze connected with Jamie’s dad and looked him up and down, her expression softening enough to ask, “Are you the father of the boy who my daughter beat up?”

At this Casper laughed, unable to suppress it in the slightest. Her mom knew her well! She dodged her mom’s laser eyes and snaked her gaze to look over at Jamie and mouth, ‘poor baby!’. Jamie’s expressionless face shifted viciously, giving her a rude hand gesture at the same time. He hadn’t changed much since kindergarten, she thought.

“No m’am,” Jamie’s father said with a familiar half smile, “I am the father of the boy who just picked a fight with your daughter.” Yeah, and lost! Sort of…

“No one did,” Casper added, noting to herself that she was getting butted out of her own punishment.

“No one did what?” Casper’s mom was harsh, unforgiving, her glare refocusing and sharpening as it fastened on her daughter.

“No one won,” Casper explained lazily, trying to pretend that she wasn’t shriveling under the look she was given.

Her mom went into punishment mode, “Not another word from you. If you think that’s all that matters, then I have failed you as a parent. So, to fix that, you’re going to be spending a lot more time with me.”

And so Casper sank back into her chair and didn’t speak for the rest of their time in that small, dark office.
Last edited by cat4prowl on Fri May 15, 2009 11:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Wed May 13, 2009 2:03 pm
Pippiedooda says...



Hi! :D I really enjoyed this, I hope you post more! I'm kind of picky in my reviews sorry :P

Pigtails were cool, but Casper Wolfe didn’t wear them.


I know that you would say that people wear their hair in pigtails but it sounded a bit odd to me here, maybe 'have' instead of 'wear' would be better?

she answered, smiling at her blue hands and her painting. She dipped them in the paint again.


When you say 'she dipped them' it isn't that clear what 'them' are, maybe if you swapped 'painting' and 'blue hands' round so they are the last things referred to it would make more sense.

It was her own fault she decided to be so nosy! She drew a stick person on her paper and glared at it.


You change who 'she' is here, at first you are talking about Melissa and then Casper so I'd maybe change 'She drew a stick person' to 'Casper drew a stick person'.

she answered snippily, “Yeah.”
He answered promptly, a smile brightening his eyes,


He's not really answering anything as she hasn't asked something, as you have just used 'answered' as well I think it might be better to change it. Perhaps 'replied' or 'spoke' or something like that.

her mind grasped the fact that this little boy was making her feel insignificant and she was losing.


what is she losing? I think you could add a bit more like 'she was losing superiority' or 'losing the struggle for superiority' or just something that shows that she is losing the contest between them.

The room she’d entered seemed to dampen and fade with her appearance, the cheery red chairs darkening to blood-red, the oak polished desk tainted poison-purple, and long angled shadows were cast on the man sitting in the chair behind the desk with his arms folded.


I love this description but I'm not sure if 'dampen and fade' is the best term to use at the beginning. It's more becoming more intimidating and scary. For instance 'more pronounced and intimidating' or something like that could work.

Her hair twirled in small wisps and curls around her, several strands in her face and sweat streaked down her pretty face to drip off her prominently pointed nose.


I'd change one 'face' so you are not repeating it, maybe 'pretty face' could be 'cheeks'? I'm not sure about 'in her face' either, maybe you could say something like 'falling onto her face' :)

Mr. Rhodes stacked his papers neatly and addressed them,


From this it sounds for a moment like you are talking about the papers when you say 'them' :P I'd maybe change it to 'the two troublemakers' or something like that to make clear that you are referring to the children :)

Mr. Gunner entered, his eyes piercing until they landed on his son.


They are still piercing once they fall on his son so I'd maybe change this a bit, perhaps something about his eyes scanning the room before coming to rest upon his son.

she was with a sick pleasure at seeming Jamie squirm.


I think 'seeming' should be 'seeing' here :P

From then on it’d been a combination fistfight/wrestling match


I think you might need something like 'of a' after 'combination' here :)

Jamie’s expressionless face shifted viciously


It might be good to say what it shifted to here to describe how his expression appears.

her glare refocusing and sharpening as it fastened on her daughter.


I think it was a bit much here to have ‘refocusing’ and ‘sharpening’, I’d maybe just keep one. I think ‘sharpening’ might be best :)

So, to fix that, you’re going to be spending a LOT more time with me.”


People don’t really like it here if you use capitals, it draws attention to that word automatically. I’d change it to italics :P

Overall: This was a great start, I love how it isn’t like the other romances where it’s all gushy and sweet- it’s always nice to read a story that begins differently :D

You have a brilliant way with description in this piece, I loved it :) There isn’t really much I can see that could be improved overall, maybe some more detail on what actually happened to spark off the argument would be good as at the moment I’m a bit unclear as to whether he pushed her so the pizza fell or if he was just laughing at her because it fell. I think you have done well in showing Casper’s character but a bit more now that you have jumped forward on her social life I think would help (if not added to this part then brought in in later parts) as you have not mentioned about other friends and although she was admired when she was younger it doesn’t come across that she was good friends with anyone. Is she more of a loner or still quite popular?

I like how you have shown the effects of the fight but a bit more on the pain they feel could add to it, like maybe Casper could wince when she first talks or something about feeling the throb of the bruise around her eye. You have done really well in showing both of their emotions though :)

I really enjoyed this piece :) all my comments are just suggestions, hope I’ve helped! *Star*
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
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Wed May 13, 2009 10:09 pm
cat4prowl says...



Thanks a ton! I fixed what you suggested and laughed my head off when you said it sounded like Mr. Rhodes was addressing the paper. Awesome mental picture.

Anyways, I actually have up to Chapter 6 of this story written, so a lot of your questions will be answered soon. When I get a few more reviews, or run out of patience, I will post up Chapter 2. Thanks to everyone who read it.

-cat4prowl
  





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Thu May 14, 2009 4:17 pm
MiriamHannah says...



Does it become clearer later on why the girl was involved. You really need to make Melissa less involved because it confuses the reader, that is unless you plan to bring her back as a friend later on.

You should also describe both Casper and Jamie earlier on as to then refer back to when they get older. Just add in 'some paint matted in her brown curls' or something similar because so far all we know is her hair is wispy and curly. As our main character we need a strong mental image of her and Jamie too, let it become familiar before it gets all romantic.

Despite the stars i was still really confused when she was suddenly older, you might need to just say the time that has passed straight because i had to reread it quite a few times or maybe just say 'she's changed over the years, unlike him' just something to confirm it.

I did really like your names Casper wolfe as in lone wolf and Jamie gunner (thats obvious) you could make it into a pattern with last names so Mr rhodes... just a suggestion to add a little bit of quiet humor.

I did really like this story and please pm me when a new chapter comes out because i do want to read on. So far it's a very innocent and enjoyable story, well written and gripping. Keep writing it!
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey, can sometimes be seen scurrying towards a fast food outlet.
  





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Thu May 14, 2009 4:41 pm
Mars says...



Hello!

“Cathper??”

Try not to use double punctuation, it's not good if you need two question marks to convey what one and your verb should (if that makes sense).

“A ghotht! A ghotht, everybody look we have a ghotht in our class!”

Clath? ;-)

Their parents’ had been called

No apostrophe on parents.

Oh gosh. I loved this. Casper seems like such a dude, so cool, and maybe I shouldn't, but I can tell that I'm going to like Jamie as well. Your characterization is a total win, Cat. Good job. I also love how you began with hopscotch and pigtails so as to make sure the readers know the setting in the beginning. I really don't have any suggestions besides the above; probably I'll be able to critique this better once I read the next part. ^^

I would read it over again though because it seemed a bit, I dunno, stiff at times. But maybe that's just me.

-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Fri May 15, 2009 7:07 pm
EmmaJane says...



This was great. It really caught my eye. Your writing and main character remind me of an author: Ellen Schreiber.

You are a star with characterisation. i immediately got an idea of their personalities, and Jamie's lithp made me laugh. A great way of injecting humour there. Does he still have the lisp?

One thing: "Seriously, why did everyone need to know her own business!" the 'seriously' sounds more like something a teenage girl would say.

And one small thing that I've only just noticed is that you're missing a full-stop - right at the end :)

Good luck!

~ EmmaJane ~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD
  





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Sat May 23, 2009 11:03 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hiya! Sorry for getting around to this so slowly!

So, I'm not really going to nit-pick because a lot of the issues I saw were overall ones. But I did find a nit-pick or two:

Her feet inched apart, assuming a wide, bracing, aggressive stance.


I thought she was sitting down...

Yeah, and lost! Sort of…

“No one did,” Casper added, noting to herself that she was getting butted out of her own punishment.


~ I don't think Casper would "add" this comment. I think she'd mutter it to herself.

~ The thing about her getting butted out of her own punishment seems like a bit of too-strong foreshadowing. She's only noting it after she says something that's going to get her back into trouble?

And so Casper sank back into her chair and didn’t speak for the rest of their time in that small, dark office.


I'm not loving the "and so" at the beginning of this. It's rather obvious that her mother's remark is what caused her to stay quiet.

*

Vocabulary: I found the vocabulary a bit advanced at the beginning. Stuff like "peripheral vision" isn't in a normal four-year old's vocabulary. A lot of the phrases and terms in the kindergarten scene seemed really advanced for me. *Shrugs* But that's probably just me.

Info-Dumps: At the beginning of the Principal scene, you give two "block" descriptions. As in, you describe both characters in one long chunk. I don't mind that so much, since it gives a good contrast, but when you go on to describe every other person in the scene the same way, I just start to skim it. Those descriptions don't add much to the story in my opinion. Describe major characters and contrasting characters in detail, while only giving the bare minimum detail on other characters.

Overall: This was okay. I'm not that found of it, but it seems that you have a good, solid start to a different style of love-story.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

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