Young Writers Society

Do not write to me
by Kat

Words can mean too much;
words can hurt too much.
Like a song on a summer breeze,
words can and will touch.

Whatever you decide, love,
please, don't write to me.
Let our past dream fly away.
It's time to let go... let it be free.

Words can mean, hurt, too much,
but yours will touch me excessively.
They will make me lock our dream,
cry and scream.
So, please,
whatever you do, love,
I beg you: do not write to me.

I really love this. It's something one can relate to, especially one who is leaving. I think it was also brilliantly written. It reminded me of an Austen heroine, Fanny Price. You have written this in a manner that gives it excellent voice and there is imagery in all the right places. The language isn't so overdone as to make this poem indigestible. The simplicity in some parts and then the lovely imagery that comes next makes this a very vivid and easy read.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

Words can mean too much;
words can hurt too much.
Like a song on a summer breeze,
words can and will touch.

Whatever you decide, love,
please, don't write to me.
Let our past dream fly away.
It's time to let go... let it be free.

Words can mean, hurt, too much,
but yours will touch me excessively.
They will make me lock our dream,
cry and scream. So, please,
whatever you do, love,
I beg you: do not write to me.


My favourite part of this poem was the very last line.

There are a couple suggestions I would make as to changes, though.

1) I would take out all of the repetition. “Words can mean, hurt, too much,” for instance.
“Whatever you decide, love,
please, don't write to me.” I would nix these lines, rather than the second instance where you use them.

And 2) I would take out all the literal references to words (apart from the last line) and instead make the whole poem a metaphor. Talk about, describe, the way words touch us without actually mentioning words. Take the “song on a summer breeze” and “they will make me lock our dream”; expand on those and add other illustrations of the way words affect us, and lead it up to the final line, “I beg you; do not write to me,” finally revealing what you were describing in the beginning of the poem. I might even change that line slightly, “do not write those words to me” if you do decide to take out the mentions throughout the poem of words. It’s up to you of course, but those are the changes I would suggest.

I like the idea of the poem, I just don’t know if you’ve quite brought it out the best, yet. It’s definitely got potential. If you want any other help with this, I’d be glad to offer it. Best of luck!

_Nam

Wow. This was great. No, extremely amazing. It was totally great. I just have a small nit-pick.

Your ehh, phrasing.

Everything falls into line except the way you put the words together--it just confuses me.

Oh, but don't worry, it doesn't take a lot to confuse me. You should see me trying to read Shakesphere. I get so frustrated I throw down the book and walk away.

Anyways, back to the subject. It was amazing!

*Peacee*
_Writing for love is a passion_

I like this poem . (: You're rhythm was nice except...

Like a song on a summer breeze,

words can and will touch.

The last line seemed too short to fit in.
Thought I don't know quite why she doesn't want to be written to , I feel connected to her in her pain .

but yours will touch me excessively.

Excessively kind of stuck out to me in this stanza, bothered me. I'd suggest using a shorter word.
And lastly...

They will make me lock our dream,

cry and scream.

The second line of this seemed very childish to me. I thought the rhyming was elementary and compared to the simple eloquency of the rest of the poem , awkward .

I did like this a lot though ! (:

wow youre very young and i think you already have a nice writing style coming along.
i totally get the emotion you're conveying here. i am relating right now. sort of


my least favorite line was the last- I beg you:do not write me.
its abrupt but not as poetic as the other lines. im not sure what else to say, hmm

Thanks everyone!

Angel: Really? Am I letting myself be influenced? I'm reading Jane Austen at the moment ^_^

Adnie: Thanks, dear. I will take your suggestions in regard.

Passion: Thanks dear! I will be sure to revise on the phrasing

Mandey: Thanks!

Juice: *takes a little to answer, because she's hagging on the nickname* Thanks! Hmmmm....

I don't think you're too young. And I am not being biased because I am 13. Age has nothing to do with your writing, it's experience. You could be 47, just start writing, and suck.


(Oh, and good job on the poem!!!!!)

Hiya Kat!

So, I think this'll end up as a Snoink-style critique where I comment on everything. Hope you like! (Please let me know if you don't. It's an expirement)

Words can mean too much;

I love this line. I love it so much I'd like to see more on it. ^_^ I'd actually dedicate a whole stanza to that line, to expand it and give some meat to this idea. How can words mean too much? When have they? Please please please expand!

words can hurt too much.

Hmm, this is an okay continuation of the first line, but it's a bit too close for me to really like it. I almost didn't notice the change from the first line.

Also, since the rest of the poem pretty much explores this idea, you could stand to get rid of this line.

Like a song on a summer breeze,
words can and will touch.

These lines are what I was talking about when I said poems should have both superficial and deep meaning! The simple reading of this is nice, you get some imagery, and it's understandable. And when you go deeper, you see all these possible meanings. Nice work!

Whatever you decide, love,
please, don't write to me.

Beautiful continuation of the ideas in the first paragraph! Subtly tying into how words can mean too much and how they can hurt too much. Even if you were to delete the mention of hurting too much, these lines would imply it and the poem wouldn't loose anything. In fact, it would gain things because the beginning would be more polished and you'd get a more hidden plot-thread.

Let our past dream fly away.

More summer metaphors! Fly makes me think of birds, and I'd add in more about that connection. Add in some more meaning to the poem by making the dream birds, flying on the song of the summer wind. Of course, that's just an idea.

Also, I don't know if this is intended, but I'm wondering if "dream" should be "dreams", plural.

It's time to let go... let it be free.

More birds! You keep bringing the images of cages to my mind, and wanting to go outside in the summer. I'd add in some mention of that, add in some more lairs to the poem, because you're on a briliant track!

Words can mean, hurt, too much,
but yours will touch me excessively.

A tasteful repetition of the ideas before, although I think I'd delete "hurt" from here. Since in the last stanza you did an amazing job of weaving what his words mean to you, and how there is an implied hurt, I'd add in another line for the "hurt" theme or delete the mention completely.

They will make me lock our dream,
cry and scream.

I'd just love to see more imagery on this idea! Since in the first stanza you had the openness of things (the line about summer opened up whit whole image of a prairie for me), and then it slowly changes to being locked away, mention the restrictiveness, the dark, how being trapped makes you feel, ect. It adds more meaning and will make this poem even more beautiful. ^_^

There was one thing here that made this stanza not so great. Because of the rhyme, it cut the line in half, which is the reason I quoted things seperately. One of the reasons I want this expanded is so that doesn't happen. (Since this stanza doesn't rhyme, which works, it's better not to have any rhymes.)

So, please,
whatever you do, love,
I beg you: do not write to me.

I really love these lines. They wrap up the poem's theme and I wouldn't change anything even if you were to add in all this metaphor before hand. They're just vague enough to let the reader fill their own emotions in, but it's to the point enough that we're not left wondering too much. ^_^ Beautiful work.

*

Flow: Near-perfect as with your last poem! There was the one aria I pointed out where the rhyme wasn't that great, but most of this poem just flowed off the tongue and across the page. Very nice work.

Imagery: So, you didn't put much in, but your word-choice brought about tons of imagery for me. Reason I kept rambling and telling you to add more. I really, really liked it and that's what made this poem so pleasing to read. Like Adna said, I'd make this whole poem a metaphor to really make it multi-leveled.

Overall: Beautiful poem, with real sticking power. I loved the way things were subtly tied in together, and the mental imagery I got from it. Although I think this would be even more beautiful if that mental imagery went to the paper, no?

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

I really love your poem, it's creative and i can tell you really mean what you're saying though it could be more emotional and deep if you added some metaphors and imagery

*writewatiwant* wrote:
Words can mean too much;
words can hurt too much.
I love the use of repition
Like a song on a summer breeze,
words can and will touch.
Those last two lines of the stranza are my favorite

Whatever you decide, love,
please, don't write to me.
Let our past dream fly away.
It's time to let go... let it be free.
some imagery or metaphor here maybe

Words can mean, hurt, too much,
but yours will touch me excessively.
that line doesn't seem to flow as well maybe "but yours will touch excessively
They will make me lock our dream,
cry and scream. So, please,
whatever you do, love,
I beg you: do not write to me.