Ballad of Woe.

Song: Wishing You Were Here – Chicago.
Prompt: 036. Tragic Hero

Hand to heart, his lover said, there's a war in here.
What is waged, head to head, is put out now -
metal to metal - one is alive, one is dead.
Here he fought, a falling silhouette, waiting
on lover's breath to keep his soul in vain.
His strength did hold, amongst the flowers left,
but cluttered in his memories slain, his mind was lost,
my friend. Slowly now, a child’s nodding lids,
he drifted to the end. What is it, my lover, she said,
that does make you weep? The end is the end,
he cried, and proceeded to sleep.
But there against the lying petal’s edge, she sat,
keeping the soul of men alive. And when his eyes
leapt on hers once more, her heart burst like dew
drops in the light. And here, the war is waged,
and here, the love is made. Again and again,
until their ruinous end.

Forgive the delay! I forgot I suggested my WRFF thread and was only looking out for a PM.

And now forgive me if I can only point out some nitpicks. It's only proof of your wonderful talent for poetry.
I really don't have much to say; your poetry is consistently eloquent, without being wordy, and beautiful, without being ostentatious. This piece was no different.

One slight suggestion for rhythm's sake:
"Here he fought, a falling silhouette, waiting on
lover's breath to keep his soul in vain."
I would move "on" to the next line, because that's how I kept wanting to read it. That's how it flowed best, I felt.

"and proceeded to sleep." I feel as though this phrase has too casual a tone; the word "proceeded" reminds me almost of comical poems, silly poems. I don't feel as if it's the best choice.

"Slowly now, a child’s nodding lids,
he drifted to the end." I feel as if I'm being dense, but I'm afraid this line didn't quite make as much sense to me as it ought... I think I understand that "a child's nodding lids" is an analogy of sorts. But if I just take "Slowly now he drifted to the end." What is he drifting to the end of? Like I say, this should probably make sense to me, but it doesn't quite, so I thought I'd point it out.

I absolutely loved it Pen! If there's anything else you want to know, you can of course come and find me anywhere. Just don't stalk meh.

*loves*

Thanks heaps, Apples!

I'll totally change that line, and proceeded is a bit icky for me too, I wasn't sure how I could change it though? I'll see what I can do. About the lids/nodding/end thing, I'll get some more feed back on it and see what I can do about it.

Much love for taking the time to crit. <3

PenguinAttack wrote:Song: Wishing You Were Here – Chicago.
Prompt: 036. Tragic Hero

Hand to heart, his lover said, there's a war in here.
What is waged, head to head, is put out now -
metal to metal - one is alive, one is dead.
Here he fought, a falling silhouette, waiting on I love the word silhouette, it always sounds poetic
lover's breath to keep his soul in vain.
His strength did hold, amongst the flowers left,
but cluttered in his memories slain, his mind was lost,
my friend. Slowly now, a child’s nodding lids,
he drifted to the end. What is it, my lover, she said,
that does make you weep? The end is the end,
he cried, and proceeded to sleep.
But there against the lying petal’s edge, she sat,
keeping the soul of men alive. And when his eyes
leapt on hers once more, her heart burst like dew
drops in the light. And here, the war is waged,
and here, the love is made. Again and again,
until their ruinous end.

[b]Okay, I'm confused. So it's a war going on between him and his wife? Or an actual war. Or did the war put strain on their relationship? I think it's pretty confusing. But don't really take it badly because knowing me (who is a really bad poet) it's probably good and I just don't know what I'm saying. But I suggest you make your point clearer.[b]