Young Writers Society

Hi. So, I did this for the Forest Setting Contest but liked the idea and may use this as a Prologue for a story. Any reviews would be welcome!

The Final Game

Rivulets of blood trickle down my cheek leaving streaks of red in their wake. The trees swallow up the light greedily and I can barely see a metre ahead of me. I stumble on, knowing that to stop now means certain death. Who am I kidding? I’ve got no chance anyway. What's the cause of my pain? My seventeen year old winged brother, Kire. You might be thinking, 'Whoah, wait a minute. Winged?' Kire was the one that used to look after me and care for me. He was bitter about the responsibility he had, the fact that he had to look after me, he wasn't free to do what he wanted to do. So when he almost lost the use of his arms stopping an eagle from mauling me that was the last straw. Bitterness won over and his sanity began to disintegrate, bit by bit. He invented games. Hunting games that put my life on the hook time after time. The hunter was Kire. The first game I played was at the age of ten. It got steadily worst. Now at fourteen, this latest game is one to end all games, forever. The objective: reach the end of the forest. Sounds simple but I’ve got Kire hunting me down and this time I won’t get away with an injury. No, this time he wants my life.
Lost in my thoughts, I trip and fall to the ground, sprawling face first in the soil. It would be so easy to just lie down, to just give up. But no. I can’t. While there’s life, there’s hope. I repeat the thought in my head, and concentrate on my objective, my goal. Pushing myself to my feet, I begin to run, new, fresh hope coursing through my veins. I can do this. There can’t be that far to go. I settle into a steady rhythm though my heart leaps wildly at every noise.
It’s so dark here that every noise, makes me jump, rattling my resolve. Not only that but the trees themselves seem to move, swaying from side to side when I walk past them, even though there’s no wind, not a slight breeze. I ponder over the hopelessness of my situation and fear turns rapidly to anger. I pick up a dead bough from the ground and hit the forest floor with frustration. I hit a dead, rotting log and it explodes, bits of wood flying everywhere. I hear a bird cawing indignantly and fear sets back in. Now caution says its piece. You idiot. You damn idiot. You’ve just told him where you are. I don’t waste any more time. I run. Fast.
After a minute of quick sprinting I see a welcome sight. Daylight and a clearing, maybe 15 metres ahead of me. I put on a burst of speed. Hope rekindles. Trees pass in a blur. 10 metres...5 metres...
Then out from the canopy, drops Kire, his black hair all over the place, his blue eyes like chips of ice. Merciless. I’m afraid. But this time it’s my life or his. This time I’ll fight back, because otherwise I’ll never be free from him.
“Do you honestly think you can beat me?”
I just stare at him, face like stone. Confusion flits over Kire’s face and I take advantage of it to think of a plan because that’s the only way I can beat Kire, by outwitting him. The seeds of an idea take root in my mind and I turn to the tree I’m standing next to. I climb up it nimbly and reaching the topmost branches I do the first childish thing that springs to mind. I stick my tongue out at him.
“Can’t catch me,” I say in a singsong voice, taunting and provoking Kire. He reacts exactly the way I expect. He flies up to the branch and lands on it. The branch creaks under our combined weight but it holds. I sigh inwardly with relief.
“You’ve gone too far,” Kire growls, stepping forward. “Way too far. I’m going to teach you a lesson you’re not going to forget.”

As Kire lunges forward, my plans wither and die but I step smartly back onto the branch behind me. Kire jumps onto my wide bough and I make no move to stop him. Not wasting time on words, I duck under his punch and almost loose my balance, teetering on the edge of the bough. I regain my footing and turn around just in time to see Kire charge towards me. I’ve got nowhere to move. He knocks me off the branch and I begin to think I’m going to die after all, but I land on other branches. Kire unfurls his wings and glides gently into to land on the forest floor. I begin to think of escape but then Kire does something that takes me totally unawares. He begins to control the tree. The branches wrap themselves around me, imprisoning me. I panic, bucking and thrashing but to no avail. Kire says something in a harsh, barking voice and I’m dropped from the height of five feet. As I land face first in the leaf litter, I hear Kire snapping a branch from a tree nearby and I scramble to my feet. Kire follows, beating me ruthlessly back with the bough that’s as thick as my wrist. I fall against a tree and the branches wrap themselves around me, capturing me in branches as inflexible as iron bars. Kire advances, the madness clear in his bloodshot eyes.

“Well. It comes to this does it?” I say, not attempting to hide the bitterness in my voice. “Kire, why?” Part of me still hopes that I can bring back the Kire he once was.

“Why?” he growls, staring at me with those cold, inhuman eyes. “Why? I’ll tell you why. You ruined my life. I looked after you and cared for you but what did I get out of it? Nothing. It’s too late to change that now but I can get revenge for those lost years. I can be satisfied, but only with your death.”

“Kire, how is killing me going to change anything? Just leave me alone! Go away! You’re not Kire any more! You’re not my brother!” I sob, knowing it’s pointless, knowing that nothing I can do will bring the real Kire out of the monster he has become.

Kire says nothing and looks at me with his empty, bloodshot eyes. He swings the branch towards me and I close my eyes and I give up hope. Then words form suddenly in my mind and I scream something incomprehensible. The branches that were imprisoning me lash out at Kire. His neck snaps like dried wood and as he slides to the floor with a dull, empty thump I feel no remorse at all. I gave him a chance to go away, to leave me alone, but he didn’t take it. I clamber down from the tree and stand there a minute, contemplating my new power and a life in the forest. I shake my head my headdecisively. No. Too many bad memories here. Then I step out into the clearing, for a new life, without Kire.

Just thought I'd tell you before you went on to my review that although I have many things brought up below, I did actually enjoy this. So don't feel down reading my review. I'll go into more detail about what I liked later in the review.

Time after time, he has forced me, pushed me into participating in his cruel games, and time after time I have played them, to stop him from injuring me or worse.

The last part "to stop him from injuring me or worse" could be better if you changed "injuring" to "hurting". Injuries are too closely tied with things like sport injuries, so it doesn't hit the right note. If you're implying that he abuses her, I'd use something like "hurting".

It would be so easy to just lie down, to just give up but no, I can’t.

Comma after "up".
Personally, to emphasize the point, I'd write this as "It would be so easy to just lie down, to just give up. But no. I can't." With the periods, it works much better and accentuates the point.

It’s so dark here that every noise seems creepy.

When you're being hunted, things don't seem "creepy". You should probably get rid of "seems" too and use a stronger word for "creepy". Maybe "It's so dark that every noise A) makes me jump B)is frightening C) rattles my resolve D) other.

I legit. Fast.

You legit? What does that mean?

Kire’s eyes widen in surprise at my transformation from the teenager that used to cringe whenever Kire walked past, to the teenager that stands in front of him now, not afraid to speak his mind.

To accentuate the change, maybe instead of referring to her as "the teenager that stands in front of him" to "the young woman that stands in front of him." Or you could change the first one from "the teenager that used to cringe" to "the little girl that used to cringe". It's just better with such accentuation.

I tire of this game of hide and seek.

It's not really a game of hide and seek. More like a game of tag.

I duck under his arm and turning to face his back, I kick him, hard.

Comma after "and".

Kire turns to face me again, blood running down his cheek. He growls, turning to face me and charges again, like mad bull.

You say he turns to face the girl twice, once in each sentence.

I turn my back to him and the instant I do, I know what a stupid decision that was

Doing that was a little too stupid. No one would do that in a fight against someone, let alone if they know and hate them. You didn't even give any reason for her turning away. She just did it. As it is, it's just something you made the character do to keep the story going. At least give a reason for her turning.

I fall off my branch too but branches catch, cradling me.

Watch out for the repetition of "branches". Replace "branches catch" one with "others caught me". You have some more repetition elsewhere, so be on the look out.

I gave him a chance to go away, to leave me alone, but he didn’t take it.

When did she give that chance? She told him she'd beat him and then she ran away. I guess you could kind of consider this a chance, but she never refers to it as one.

Okay, here's my last two sense.

1) I thought how suddenly she accepted her ability, how easily she used it, and oddest of all, how trusting she was that the trees would save her was a little unrealistic. I'd personally have her realize her power after a few more trials or something. Maybe you could have been hinting at the possibility of her power as the story goes on and then when Kire is about to kill her, a tree stops him or something.

2) Kire is a bit of a pansy. I find it immensely hard to believe that this girl was kept captive and abused by him. She could have taken him any time. If she hadn't turned around and gotten choked, she could have probably beaten him without the trees' help. She dominated him! All the trees really did was keep him away until she decided to duke it out fist-to-fist.

3) Because Kire was such a pansy, the was very little suspense. Even the girl had no doubt in her mind. You need to show that he's a worthy adversary and put also put the girl's life in far greater peril. It all just seemed too easy.

That's pretty much everything. Now onto the good part.
I really like the idea of the story. Coming up with story concepts is my absolutely favorite part of writing (I consider the actual writing as little more than a way to express the stories fermenting in my mind). I write down every idea that comes to mind, good and bad, and I personally think this is a good one. A girl kept in captivity all her life, forced to play her winged brother's sick games. I like it. With a little work, It could be pretty dang sweet.

So, good luck with this. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Not much to add; the above poster handled most of the grammer and technical issues.

For me? 'Winged brother'? Whoa, wait a minute, winged? Throws me a little; a guy randomly has wings. O-k. Maybe just a touch of explination here?

Also, I'd like to see your main character speak more as a person and less as a narritive. Myself, I always like to see a lot of 'personality' in a first person perspective. It seems to lack here. All I'm picking up is lots of fear. And while fear is good, it gets dull and whiney after a bit. Give me a reason to want this girl to get away. Give me a reason to like her.

Also, like the person above; the fight was crap. Kire was a puss, and the whole thing was lacking in any amount of tension or suspense. Also, far far too short. It felt like you ended it rather abruptly, and the fight was just an, 'oh, by the way....yeah, we had a fight.'

I never worried once for your girl, and I should worry.

I don't like female main characters, I'll be fair. Usually. It's very rare I come across a character that changes my mind. Yours isn't one of them.

To be honest, I found this pretty boring.


Now for the good part!

It's a great idea. It could even be the prolouge to some kind of novel. It's an interesting setting, and with some work, could be downright dark. Keir interests me; why is he mad? What happened to him? Why does he have wings? Why is he so evil? Is he really evil, or just insane?

This story leaves me wanting to know, and that is always a good thing. You've hooked me on a character, which means you wrote something that left an impression on me.

Blood runs down my cheek.

You are good with description, and I see that later on in the story, but I need more description here. This is the first sentence of your story, and you want it to hook the readers in. Something like: Thick,oozy blood ran down my face like a river set on fire.

The trees swallow up the light greedily, so much so that I can barely see.

this needs to be re-worded. It just doesn't flow right for me. Change it up. Maybe something like: The trees swallowed up the light greedily; I couldn't even see the path in which i had taken. Also you switch tenses. that makes it much harder for the reader to read the story. If you need help with this I would be glad to help you just pm me any time

The cause of my pain?

This is a fragment. Um you could change it like this: What's the cause of such pain? Or what ever you think suits best.

My winged older brother, Kire.

I would love to know more about the lder brother. Why was he so mean and mad? Why was he winged? Was it something in his past? What kind of pain had he inflicted upon the main character? Has he always hated the main character?

The objective: reach the end of the forest.

What kind of games are these? And why are they called games? Who made them up, the older brother?

No, this time he wants my life.

Why does he want the main characters life?

You idiot. You damn idiot. You’ve just told him where you are.

When saying thoughts you should put it in italics to help the reader understand it's just a thought the character is having.

And then out from the canopy, drops Kire.

Never start a sentence with the words and, but or because. In this case you can just delet. You have multiple grammar mistakes, mostly commas. I don't know if the other readers have catch them or not, but you could with an easy proof reading session.

His black hair all over the place, his blue eyes like chips of ice.

this isn't a full sentence. It's not a complete thought. There needs to be a verb with the subjects.

Confusion flits over Kire’s face

When don't want you to tell us he's confused tell us how he looks and he acts to show that he is confused it's no fun when things are handed to us. Let us as the readers figure out that he is confused.

I think you ended it abruptly, and the fight went way to fast. I dont think I even registered who won.

I enjoyed this piece and with some more work put in to it it could be a great piece.

Thanks for requesting a review

-Tiffany

Wow, this is interesting. Pretty imaginative as well. I think you should describe the wings that Kire has a little better. Are they feathered, scaly, or something else? How big are they? Also, what does Kire look like?

Hm... definitely unique. Though there are some things I need to address. The main character, is it a boy or a girl. And what does he/she look like? Also, it sounds like this story has a very interesting background that you need to expand on. Not to mention what happens next? And what's the story behind Kire's wings. I hope that you keep continuing this because you have a neat plot going on.

Good Luck!
~Wolf

Hi Afeefah. This short story is absolutely amazing. I really enjoyed reading it! My favourite bit was when the branches lashed out breaking that guys neck. It's really original and exciting. I know that you only wrote this for a competition and that you came forth but I strongly suggest that you write more. maybe this could be a prologue? I would say the plot is brilliant but there isn't really one because all that happened was they had a fight. I also feel that the main character has much more to offer lots of potential. Keep up the good work!

Please could you review some of my work on the site please

Afeefah, I understand you wrote this for a competition, and that you may use it for a prologue. I say you definitely have something here, not quite sure what the plot would be but it sounds like it would be a good read.
Your main characters gender though, I'm not so sure about.
I'd definitely like to know more about Kire's wings.
Mikedb pointed out the majority of things you could do to strengthen this, so I agree with him.
I just have to say though, when your main character surprised Kire with his own magic it surprised me too.
Keep it up, you should definitely continue this, or at least give us a back story.
I'll definitely review it if you do.
Mrob