Young Writers Society

It was cold and windless in the underground city of Tlyon. Lights shown from the ground below as cars drove through the crowded streets. Scado stood on a ledge on the top of a building seven stories up staring down, looking at the at the people below him. He could see them walking around, acting as if they did not have a care in the world. Scado despised them for not feeling his pain. As he stared, he realized how easy it would be for him to rid himself of the pain. All he had to do was step off this ledge. He would fall and then the pain would be gone.

He was slowly taking a step over the edge into the peace below when the door slammed open behind him. "Scado! Don't!" It was his sister, Geomana. He was ashamed that he would consider taking cowards way out and leave her alone. She was too young to get a job to support herself and they had no family to speak of. If something happened to him who would be left to take care of her? He brought his foot back to the safety of the ledge and turned to face his sister. She stood there breathing heavily, her eyes glowing amber. The door that she had come from hung open with an inviting light glowing inside.

Scado stepped off the ledge as his sister ran to him. He did not react as she slapped him on the face as hard as she could. "You idiot!" she yelled. Tears running down her pale skin. "What would mom and dad think if they saw you standing there." She burst into tears and laid her head against his chest. "I don't want to lose you too, brother," she cried.

Scado pulled her into a hug, and said nothing. He knew trying to comfort her was pointless at this point. Ever since their parents' deaths he had to take of both of them and it had put an emotional strain on both of them. He had to work during the night and go to school during the day, where his grades quickly plummeted. He soon dropped out and got another job to continue putting his sister through school.

"Come on," Scado said quietly. "Let me make you something and you can go to bed. You have to get up for school tomorrow. She let him guide her back through the door. They walked down the stairs and into a blue wallpapered hallway. The wallpaper was peeling away from the walls and the entire place smelled like piss.

Scado wished he can provide a better home than the single-room apartment he and his sister had to share, but it was all he could afford on the meager salaries he made. They walked up to a door with the faded number 702, and opened. Scado realized that he still needed to fix the lock on the door, but never had the time or money to get one. Walking into the small apartment which reminded him of the other things he needed to get done. The table was covered in trash, dirty dishes were piled in the sink, and piles of clothes that still needed to be washed laid in heaps on the floor.

He guided her to the couch, which was his bed because he let his sister take the only room, and sat her down. "What do you want?" Scado asked her as he looked through the empty cupboards. The fridge was almost empty except for a carton of rotten milk and steaks he had been saving for later. Scado pulled his head out of the fridge with a slab of raw steak hanging in his mouth and another in his hand. He handed the steak to her on a the cleanest looking plate.

Geomana pushed the steak away and mumbled something about not being hungry and wanting to go to bed. She stood up and walked into her room and closed the door behind her. Scado sighed and finished his steak and returned Geomana's to the fridge. He turned back to the couch and let his form drop.

His body changed: grey hair grew all over his body, his mouth elongated to a muzzle with sharp teeth, his limbs got shorter, hands changed to paws, and a tail sprouted out of his backside. He fell to all fours after the transformation completed it self. His ears drooped and tail hung between his legs. It was no way a grey wolf to look, but him and his sister were the last of the grey wolves left and no pack to care for them.

Scado climbed onto his bed and curled up, resting his head on his paws and wrapping his tail around his body. Slowly sleep crept over him and he was gone. Going to the only place that gave him reprieve from his life.

I’m unsure if this is a continuation or the start of something new, either way you’re off to a great start. Your use of detail is great, eye catching and exciting for the reader. Emotion is key and you hit it dead on, really drawing the reader into how the characters feel. You characterization is well done, how you instill the personalities in them is great because the reader is able to really connect and have a want for more. Also, I LOVE werewolf fics, so I’ll be checking out any others you have, keep up the good work!

^^ I like it, Leth! Since you specified emotion, I'm just gonna go over some quick overall stuff, then rant about emotions, 'kay? I like the way you revealed they were wolves at teh end - it created a nice mood and cliffhanger. I fee like if you want to make this a novel, it's a little too fast-paced. I don't really wanna know about their secrets in the first chapter...y'know? Alright, other than that, I liked it...
Emotion
More, more, more, more, more. Yes, I do get the impression of emo-ness xD. However, it's a bit too bluntly given for me. And I wanted more. XD This might be easier if I divide it up a little.
Emotion given vs. emotion wanted - Alright, so the impression I got was rather depressed...and sorta apathetic. I think the emotion that you wanted to convey was a lot more depression, some hopelessness, and no apathy..Apathy is not good...xD Sorry, I just had a lot of chocolate, forgive me if I sound a bit hyper. Anywayz, So, don't make it apathetic by adding description. Apathetic moods are caused by dry scenes; which, in turn, cause the reader to lose interest. You don't want that to happen. The major parts that I would change are the third paragraph to the paragraph where he morphs. The way to fix this? Add imagery.

Scado stepped off the ledge as his sister ran to him.

^^ What did the ledge look like? How far down was the drop? What was his sister like? Was she screaming? What crossed his mind at that moment? I think in the entire paragraph, this is the line that bothered me the most. Similarly, in the next paragraphs, I would add imagery to the following quotes.

He had to work during the night and go to school during the day, where his grades quickly plummeted.

^^ How was school? Work? What did he study? How were his grades? Basically, elaborate.

Scado wished he can provide a better home than the single-room apartment he and his sister had to share, but it was all he could afford on the meager salaries he made.

^^ Elaborate. What kind of home does he want for her?

He handed the steak to her on a the cleanest looking plate.

^^Same thing as the rest.
I know it doesn't seem like it has anything to do with emotion; but, believe it or not, imagery and emotion are related. Quite closely. The more description you add, the more the readers interest grows. And, if you describe all that, then you create an image of their house, ya? This shows their daily lives, and helps them become more relatable. Which, in turn, helps us understand what they're feeling. O.o That sounded complicated. Basically, imagery is important!! XD
How emotion was conveyed - The emotion was conveyed a little too bluntly for me. I mean, you basically tell us, that he wants to jump off the cliff. Have you heard someone lecture you about "showing not telling" yet? XD I've gotten that lecture a lot too, just for your information. But, don't tell us he's gonna jump! Show him loooking down at the height. Show us how he suddenly feels as light as air. Show us indirectly that he wants to jump. Similarly, don't tell us that he wishes to give his sister a better life. Show us! Tell us how it doesn't hurt him to eat the steak; however, it pains him to see his sister refuse it. Show us how he wishes that she was better. Show us how her welfare matters more than his. We start to see this in the schools and stuff, but elaborate a little more, 'kay? Those are the only two place where I thought emotion was shown through bluntly...I think that's about it.

**tries to give gold star before realizing that she can't** xD Thanks for the request! PM me if you have any questions!

fluteluvr77<3

Hiya, Lethero!

Rosey Unicorn, who you requested a review from, doesn't like werewolf stories, I'm afraid (you'll see in her rules supernatural and horror are no-nos). But! I, however, love werewolf fiction! So, she's passed this review on to me.

So, Antigone here, (kind of) as requested!

But enough with introductions...

On with the review!

Note: I am not going to do many nit-picks in this review. Because I saw many recurring issues, I decided to simply express them in my overall at the end of the critique.

It was cold and windless in the underground city of Tlyon.

It's windless underground? ^_^ That's kind of a given -- take it out. It's obvious description that doesn't add to your story.

You could use other words that are far more interesting -- say that the air was stagnant, still, rich with the smell of earth and soil -- you get the picture.

He was slowly taking a step over the edge into the peace below when the door slammed open behind him.

Mmk. This simply doesn't make sense to me. Mostly because once you take a step, there's no going back. If he's already stepped, gravity would have taken him down to his death. Maybe say that he began to step.

The door slammed open? I've heard of doors slamming close, but open? It's a bit odd.

It's also very cliche that his sister walks in at that moment, but I'll address cliches in my overall. Why was she walking up there in the first place?

He was ashamed that he would consider taking cowards way out and leave her alone.

You need to add a "the" before "cowards." Cowards also needs an apostrophe before the s because it shows possession.

"You idiot!" she yelled. Tears running down her pale skin.

This should all be one sentence:

"You idiot!" she yelled, tears running down her pale skin.

"What would mom and dad think if they saw you standing there."

Question mark, not period!

She burst into tears and laid her head against his chest

I thought she was already crying?

He knew trying to comfort her was pointless at this point.

Pointless...point -- very redundant. Change one so it flows better.

Ever since their parents' deaths he had to take of both of them and it had put an emotional strain on both of them.

Uhm, what? He had to take both of them? What on earth does that mean? Also, saying "both of them" twice is repetitive.

. "Let me make you something and you can go to bed. You have to get up for school tomorrow. She

You forgot to add a quotation mark on the end of "tomorrow."

The wallpaper was peeling away from the walls

Once again, repetitive information. Where else would wallpaper peel from? ^_^

he can provide a better home than the single-room

He can? It should be he could.

Also, I'm pretty sure single-room apartments don't exist, even in fantasy.

It was no way a grey wolf to look, but him and his sister were the last of the grey wolves left and no pack to care for them.

Add for before the first "a."

Him and his sister? It should be "he and his sister."

Overall

Emotion

There was none. I don't feel for Scado whatsoever, mainly because it was the narrator told me how he felt. I haven't gotten into his head.

For example:

"He wished he could care for her more."

Don't tell me how he feels, let Scado tell me!

She deserves better, he thought, gagging at the smell.

Or the suicide scene. Pay close attention to what flutelvr said about it. You only tell me he wants to jump. Have Scado thinking -- things like that. He seems very apathetic and boring right now.

Description

There wasn't much of an atmosphere in this story. We only get basic settings. A ledge, an apartment... meh. Is the wind whipping his face? Does the single light-bulb in his apartment blink dimly? Does the electric buzz of the dying bulb grate his ears and drive him crazy?

You get the picture. ^_^

Cliche

Ahh, our poor main character! He is at the edge of a ledge, about to jump when a loved one comes to save him!

Sorry, but I've read that so many times.

Scado's whole character is a bit cliched. His parents are dead and he must take care of his young sister! You try very hard to make it seem tragic, but because of the lack of emotion, it doesn't.

I don't mean to sound harsh -- I enjoyed this. It could just use some tweaks and adjustments to make it an amazing piece!

Good luck and keep writing!

Hope this helped,
Antigone

I know you asked me for a review, but Sakura/ Antigone caught every little thing I had to say, and I doubt just repeating it would be any good so...

Again, sorry. if there is anything else you'd like me to review, I'd be glad to! *goes to rummage through Lethero's Portfolio*