Young Writers Society

Let Me Love You

Chapter One

All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma.

“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?

Jay’s girlfriend, Isabella Hope, had been in a horrific car accident. A respectable citizen driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records; Gary. Four hours later, and here Gary was. He had finally gotten a hold of Jay, and Jay was rushing to get there.

Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there.

It certainly wasn’t love at first site for Isabella, but Jay slowly grew on her, and she agreed to let him take her out on a date. They have been dating for a year now and they couldn’t look more in love.

“Thank God,” Gary said as Jay ran towards him.

“Gary is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened.

“A drunk driver blind sided her at an intersection. She’s unconscious with a mild concussion and three broken ribs,” Gary said as Jay went in Isabella’s room.

Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe don‘s wife. Only one person was allowed in Isabella’s room.

“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his hand.

“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.

No one had any idea what to say to Jay. He was just acting so weird. In talking Jay showed so little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions but this was on the verge of ridiculous. Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion.

“Jay I am so sorry. If you need anything you let us know, ya hear?” Destiny asked showing her southern accent just a bit.

“Guys, I’m fine. It’s Belle that needs to be worried about,” Jay said furthering himself into his distance.

“Okay, man. Well we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.

“Man how ya holdin’ up?” Gary asked Jay after Joe Don and Destiny had left.

“Gary, I can’t even explain to you the emotions I’m experiencing right now,” Jay said running his hand through his jet-black hair.

“Try me,” Gary said trying to get Jay to talk to him.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” Jay said with a deer in the head lights look on his face.

“What do you mean?” Gary asked suddenly confused.

“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.

“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.

“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.

“Jay you can’t pretend to love her, either. If you know it’s tearing her apart like its ripping you to pieces you should talk to her when she wakes up. Not right after, but soon or she’s going to hurt a lot more when you do tell her.” Gary could not believe his cousin was in a troublesome relationship with Isabella.

Gary’s own thoughts took a turn away from everything. Ever since he had first met Isabella, he knew she was special, but he also knew she would never go for a guy like him. He had to stop himself from thinking such thoughts about Isabella when he knew in such a hard time he could be nothing more than a friend for her.

Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I suppose to do? Gary I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”

Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well Jay you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”

Jay leaned back in disbelief as Gary went down the hallway to Isabella’s room. Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car. Her face was nothing but bruises and scrapes. Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.

Gary sat down next to her and held her hand with such gentleness. He was afraid he would break her if he held her any tighter. His best friend was lying in a coma because some unintelligent bum wanted to drink and drive. This wasn’t happening he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.

Wow. I really liked this story. So well written! But, not quite perfect.....yet.

“This isn’t right Jay should be here.”

You need a comma after right. This isn't right, Jay should be here."

A pedestrian driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records:

A pedestrian wouldn't be driving a car. A pedestrian is a person who isn't in a vehicle.

“Thank god,”

God needs to be capitalized.

Man how ya holdin’ up?”

You need a comma after man.

jet black flawless hair.

I don't think you need to put flawless in there. But if you do, add some commas.

If you know it’s tarring her apart

It's tearing.

It would tare her to pieces.”

It would tear her to pieces.

Well, I have to say, this was very good. I can't wait to hear more. PM me when you write more or if you need any help! I think you might've changed my view on romantic fic!! I love this!!

Lucy

Thank you so much! I'm glad I've changed your mind maybe ahah.

I LOVE this.
Characters: Well, can't say much about Isabella. Duh.
jay: Seems very well-rounded. But for some reason, he needs short, blonde hair and a goatee. Don't ask me why. he just needs it. He won't be complete without a Goatee!

gary: Again, seems well-rounded. Good job!

Plot:
Good, but needs a tad bit of work. Just a tad. Maybe Gary is secretly in love with Isabella?

It hinting at a love affair between Gary and isabella at the end. so maybe

It looks really great

I was going to tell you that most probably Gary and Belle will get together but then I read your comment of above. I can't wait for the next part, this looks like it has a lot of potential.

PM me when the next part comes out please

Thanks

I like your avy too!

Hey there!
I am Incognito, and I believe I am going to take a gander at your story. Sorry if I repeat anything others may have said, but I don't tend to read others reviews because I get lazy. ;P
But otherwise, let us begin!

I. Nit-Picking

been quite in

**I believe this should be 'quiet'. I am sorry if I am wrong.

“This isn’t right Jay, should be here.”

Move the comma to after right, and everything will be in tip-top shape.

Gary Vernon stood in the hallway pacing for his cousin Jay DeMarcus to finally get to Riverside hospital.

Technically, this sentence does not make much sense. You cannot stand while pacing at the same time, and you cannot pace for something to happen. I would recommend rephrasing with this sentence. I am horrible at examples, but here it goes;
'Gary Vernon was pacing in the hallway, waiting for his cousin Jay DeMarus to finally arrive at Riverside hospital.'

accident, and

No comma needed here. xD

records:

I am not quite sure, but I believe that the colon should actually be a semi-colon.

Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there.

There is a lot of telling here. Why not try to show it later on in the story, or add in bits of information here or there.

ran at him

'At' is such a brisk word. Why not try 'towards'. ;D

Gary said as Jay ran at him for information on Isabella.

'For information on Isabella' is not needed. it would be obvious that Jay would be worried about his girlfriend and would want a fair idea of what happened. Information on Isabella isn't the only reason for him being there, only the main one. xD

is she ok

**okay should be it, not 'ok'. That is a pet peeve of mine.

and his hands trembled wanting to know.

Technically, his hands don't want to know. It was him. I would rephrase that, maybe saying that he is particular was trembling, wishing to know the details.

would of rushed

**'have' instead of 'of'.

Maybe Jay is just hiding

**'was' instead of 'is'.

Maybe Jay is just hiding most of his emotions Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.

A comma is needed after 'Maybe Jay is just hiding most of his emotions'.

“Hey man

**comma is needed after man.

Will Belle be ok

**okay

was aloud in

**allowed

blind sited Belle

**sided

Bell’s

I would add an 'e' in 'Bell' because it maintains the nickname properly. Don't want to confuse the readers, now don't you?

“Hey the doctor

Comma is needed after 'hey'.

don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,”

Just to let you know, a mild concussion doesn't do that on people. And a coma is more serious than a mild concussion. Moreover, a coma is a upgraded concussion.

not suppose to

**supposed

“Jay I am

Comma after Jay. ;D

southern accident just

**accent

“Ok man,

**okay

Jay we’ll

Comma is needed after 'Jay'.

“ Gary

This happens in the further dialogue too. The quotations are supposed to hug the words not leave any space. The space in between is not needed. That was probably a simple mistake that you don't have to worry much about.

Gary I can’t

Comma after 'Gary'. xD

Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind his head.

You don't need to say 'head' twice. I would rephrase it to make it flow better.

Jay this is crazy everything looked like it was going fine.

This sentence is all kind of mushed together not making much sense. Might I suggest breaking it apart with a comma or starting a new sentence?

I love her, but we don’t like

I would switch the words 'love' and 'like' with each other. It would make more sense.

He had to stop himself from thinking such thoughts about Isabella when he knew in such a hard time Gary could be nothing more then a friend for her.

This confused me a bit. This is Gary thinking, but when I think in my head, I don't say my name often. Did you mean Jay? If not, I would like to tell you to change that to he.

a second then said

I would add a 'and' inbetween 'second' and 'then'. It helps it flow better.

but your right

**you are or you're

but your right don’t do it now

I would rephrase this to 'but you are right not to do it now'.

Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.

Have you ever broken your ribs? For certainly, those bandages do not help. xD
It kills certainly.

out of his head.

'Out of his mind' would sound better. xD

II. Grammar and Punctuation

Your grammar and punctuation is fairly good. You had some minor errors with spelling mistakes that some other people didn't pick up, but other then that you did fairly good. For punctuation, I would like to remind you about the quotations and the spaces before the words. That was an occuring problem and is not wanted.

Also, I stopped correcting it because I thought it would be better if I explain here.

You did a lot of;

"Gary I want you to do... etc."

What I would like to remind you is that when you do that, you need a comma after the name. It also happens in other parts sometimes in mid sentence. After a name there is usually a pause unless it is explaining something.

And easy way to fix your spelling errors and comma usage, read your work out loud to yourself. You will catch errors that you may not have seen before. Spell check doesn't always work to your advantage because it doesn't chose the right words at points. And for punctuation, where ever you think there should be a pause, check if it is an appropriate place to put a comma. Commas are a writers best friend at points. Don't be afraid to use them. xD

III. Character Development

I do like your characters, but they don't seem out of the ordinary for me. They seem kind of average. Might I recommend giving them an odd quirk? Maybe varying their personalities a little. One might be funny, another melodramatic. You have the freedom in the matter, but try to make them awesome and entertaining. Make it something different.

I would also like you to add more description on their actions. The reasons why that is, is because when readers read about characters, they subconconciously make connections to them and most of the connections are connected to the character's character traits. When describing actions, it helps give an idea of some of the character traits because everyone moves differently. Add nervous habits, anything of the sort.

What would be awesome also, was if you could add more physcial description of the characters without info dumping. You have to be careful about it. You aren't as bad as other people. I basically know what colour hair Jay and Isabella have. Other than that, I have no idea. try to make the imagination not so hard to use and give the readers a break. xD

IV. Writing Format

Your writing is certainly well done. I really do like it. It is not over done yet it is not under done also. I have some tips for you though.

Get into more detail about the setting. The setting is a great part of a story. A lot of authors leave it to the readers, but I believe describing the setting is a great deal charismatic. When I write I believe that I am trying to get what I see in my head projected to the reader with as much detail as posssible so that we imagine nearly the same thing. A lot of times that does not happen. And when you incorporate the setting, you can dwell on the descriptions of the characters, their wordrobe, hair, eyes, anything you so desire.

Another tip I would like to say is that your dialogue seemed stiff at points. Might I recommend listening to how people talk more often or watching TV. The rhythum of voice should come naturally and not so stiff.

One more thing I would have to say is that your writing style is very informative, making it very easy to tell and not show. Why not dwell in the characters misery, bring out the passion and emotion in the piece. Convey the emotions to the reader. I find listening to matching music helps me do this myself. Try to not tell as much as show. You would be surprised at how well your writing could become.

V. Overall

This piece was very easy to connect to and I like the idea. I certainly wasn't expecting Jay to want to break up with her. I thought this was just some sappy story about how his girlfriend got caught in a car crash, oh woe is him. But I can easily imagine the quilt and mixed emoitons Jay must be going through.

And if I am mistaken, do I see Gary having feelings for Isabella also? That would also add tremendously to the plot making it a fantastic read. I think this romance could more over go over to Gary and Isabella in the limelight, for certainly it seems like it is doing that now.

I would just like to say again, that you should display the emotions more, maybe give a train of thought here or there, and that would make this piece brilliant.

Great story, and it does have awesome potential. PM me if you post an addition to this story.

~Incognito

Thank you for such an awesome review!
i will work on it some more.
See the thing is i have already written this piece of work which has about 15 chapters parts. I was just wanting to make it better and with a critque like yours itll surely help me do that

Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.

All had been quiet in Isabella’s life – maybe that was because she was in a coma. I really like this – it grabs me right away.

“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?

Jay’s girlfriend, Isabella Hope, had been in a horrific car accident, and she was still unconscious. A respectable citizen driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records; Gary. Four hours later, and here Gary was. He had finally gotten a hold of Jay, and Jay was rushing to get there. Ahh, not loving this. For starters, she’s obviously still unconscious, and you take all the interesting stuff out if you just throw this information out there. Let us figure it out on our own by being with the characters.

Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there. I don’t know how long you’re hoping for this to be, but same thing – for you to just throw things out there, takes away some of the fun. Maybe flashbacks later on?

It certainly wasn’t love at first site for Isabella, but Jay slowly grew on her, and she agreed to let him take her out on a date. They have been dating for a year now, and they couldn’t look more in love.

“Thank God,” Gary said as Jay ran towards. Towards… him? Towards Isabella? Towards… what?

“Gary, is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened.

“A drunk driver blind sided her at an intersection. She’s unconscious with a mild concussion and three broken ribs,” Gary said as Jay went in Isabella’s room.[/u] See, you could omit all the previous stuff, start here, and it’s all the more interesting that way.

Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe don‘s wife. Only one person was allowed in Isabella’s room.

“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his hand.

“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; [s]and[/s] he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.

No one had any idea what to say to Jay. He was just acting so weird. In talking Jay showed so little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions, but this was on the verge of ridiculous. Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion. That sounds ironically backwards. Get a grip – just cry for Pete’s sake. Hah. I like it, though.

“Jay, I am so sorry. If you need anything, you let us know, ya hear?” Destiny asked She didn’t ask anything. showing her southern accent just a bit.

“Guys, I’m fine. It’s Belle that needs to be worried about,” Jay said, furthering himself into his distance.

“Okay, man. Well, we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.

“Man, how ya holdin’ up?” Gary asked Jay after Joe Don and Destiny had left.

“Gary, I can’t even explain to you the emotions I’m experiencing right now,” Jay said running his hand through his jet-black hair.

“Try me,” Gary said, trying to get Jay to talk to him.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” Jay said with a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face.

“What do you mean?” Gary asked, suddenly confused.

“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him. Oh, I like this. Hooked.

“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.

“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.

“Jay you can’t pretend to love her, either. If you know it’s tearing her apart like it’s ripping you to pieces, you should talk to her when she wakes up. Not right after, but soon, or she’s going to hurt a lot more when you do tell her.” Gary could not believe his cousin was in a troublesome relationship with Isabella.

Gary’s own thoughts took a turn away from everything. Ever since he had first met Isabella, he knew she was special, but he also knew she would never go for a guy like him. He had to stop himself from thinking such thoughts about Isabella when he knew in such a hard time he could be nothing more than a friend for her.

Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I suppose to do? Gary, I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”

Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well, Jay, you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”

Jay leaned back in disbelief as Gary went down the hallway to Isabella’s room. Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car. Her face was nothing but bruises and scrapes. Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together. I like the description, and you definitely know what you’re seeing, but it doesn’t flow right.

Gary sat down next to her and held her hand with such gentleness; he was afraid he would break her if he held her any tighter. His best friend was lying in a coma because some unintelligent bum wanted to drink and drive. This wasn’t happening, he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.

This is really quite good. The idea is really interesting, and I would definitely love to read more. You've done well with characterization thus far, so just keep that going.
You could do with a little more description, though... like of surroundings and such.
Just keep this in mind along with the comments found inside the actual text, and you'll be good...

»Sam.

Thanks for the feedback:)

Hi... sorry it took so long for my rebew... I forgot to check the WRFF forums... Well, I'm here now, so Here goes!

Your first sentence if good. I like it how you put some humour into it, because it gets your attention fast... I would, however, suggest that you change the first part around, as it doesn't run well. [By run I mean flow]
You could perhaps change it to:
Not much was happening to Isabella; perhaps that was because she was in a coma.

I see you are changing the story as people review... that's good. I just want to point out that when you say Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there? You mean even get there.

I'm pretty sure that if someone was ina car accident, the police would call the person with ICE [In Case of Emergency] written next to their name. That's what I was told, anyway. Besides, Gary wouldn't b the first person, unless he had a last name begining with A.
I also think that you should get rid of that whole paragraph. One of the best ways to show is dialogue, and you are really telling us what has happened here.

Perhaps:
Gary looked down at her unconscious body. She had multiple wounds on her face that were just starting to clot, and her left arm was twisted in an unfortunate position. Maybe she would live, but the doctors hadnt been able to tell him because he wasn't her legal gaurdian.

Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch.
You have 'blind-sided' twice int he last few paragraphs. Just thought you should know.
Same with: three broken ribs and a mild concussion

“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.
This is all hapening o fast. I don't think that within the first few minutes of her boyfriend arriving they would have her in a stable position, or that they would be hopefull that she would wake up. You say at first that she is in a coma... I don't think that they would have her hopefully waking up within a few hours of being brought into hospital.

In the next part, when you say emotion three times, you should change the last one to 'No one is going to care if you shed a few tears.'

It just got on my nerves that you used 'emotion' three times, and 'little emotion' twice.

Well, I don't know what to say! If you continue this [which I think you should, even though I'm not a romance person]then perhaps you should consider amnesia... then Gary can't live himself down because he is just letting her go, and Isabella starts to remember who she is, and that they are BF/GF

Just a suggestion... by the way.

Thanks for the suggestions

Rascal: You've got a great start here, but I'm seeing some things you could definitely work on.

1. Characters. I'm not really feeling connected to your characters. They feel kind of distant and detached - like they're not real people, more just two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs. The emotions that they portray seem like they're just being PUT there by you, not that they're really feeling these things. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I really want to see you let your characters come alive. Let them live and breathe and feel and think. Which will really help with my second point.

2. Showing versus telling. There's a lot of "he said, she said, they went, he wants" - which is a style of writing called "telling." Try to get more into the action. Describe smells, thoughts, sights, sounds. Get INTO the scene instead of just talking about them.

Please don't take this as negative criticism - I think you've got a really good start here. Good luck!

Thanks so much for the review. I dont take it as a bad critque. I definately think the characters are too detatched I just dont know how to fix it umph.. ahah I'll get it sooner or later

thank you