Young Writers Society

AND THERE WAS DRUM ROLL


There was drum roll. The rhythmic banging had begun just as he had stepped onto the rocky hill. Headman's hill was like a miniature, flat, mountaintop, though grass had somehow overcome the obstacles that the rocky ground had presented upon it, and had infiltrated the surface of the hill. On the tip a large wooden platform stood hovering over the camp set on top of the hill, the gallows erected upon the platform as ominous as they were supposed and threatening like death. It was raining, always did on days like these, almost like the gods would purposefully make it rain on days of death.
It continued raining although the sky was not full of clouds, and you could see the sunrise from the east. Sunrises were always stunning, this one even more so; like a pillar of fire the sun rose from the horizon coloring the sky red and yellow, and like jewelry a rainbow appeared into the horizon.
The cold rain felt odd on his skin. He hadn’t notice that he had stopped walking until the guard jabbed him with a spear.
“Come on you, get going,” the guard commanded. Brian didn’t dare answer, fearing what the guard might do with the spear if he dared to say anything. He ascended upon the platform when the prosecutor started to speak. “Captain Brian James Giligam. You are hereby charged of treachery against the holy crown of the emperor. Smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; murder of a guardsman on duty and-” the stubby man looked up from his notes. His left eye was encircled by a black bruise “-and assaulting a government official.”
A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian. The man took a thick rope, and tied it around Brian's head; the drum roll ceased. “And are hereby sentenced to death by hanging,” the sentence was followed by the bang of a closing book.
The stubby man looked at Brian distastefully. “Any last requests, captain?” he asked.
Brian kept a hard face. “Only for you to go to hell,” he spat on the ground. The stubby man gave Brian a sobering look. “I am sorry, but I may be unable to carry out with your request,” he nodded to the black hooded man next to Brian. The man walked to a lever on Brian’s left side and took hold.
Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
This is it, he thought.
He heard the executor take a deep breath too. Then the he pulled the lever. Brian snapped his eyes open as he felt the floor beneath him falter. He heard himself scream in terror as he fell, trying to free his arms in the air. He could feel the strain on his neck, pressure pushing onto him, making it harder to breathe, and then… Snap! The rope broke; he sprawled to the ground, gasping for the air that had just been denied from him. It Actually worked! he though. He tried to get up with his hands tied to his back, which proved to be surprisingly hard, while trying to lift himself with only his legs. He accomplished to put himself into something like a kneel, and then heaved himself up. He spun his face around, trying to see all the directions at the same time, looking for an escape. He was surrounded by guards.

Figures, he thought, Just my luck. he positioned his back against a pole that kept the platform up, to protect his back, while feverishly trying to find an opening in the lines. He saw the prosecutors face. The bastard was smiling, the cruel eagerness of murder playing in his eyes. Anger filled Brian, pushing aside his terror.
That slive, he thought. Someday I'm gonna gut him good.
A guardsman jumped at Brian, interrupting his thoughts, trying to slash a sword through him. Brian turned away from the slash just in the nick of time, and let the sword cut open the ropes holding his hands. He grabbed the weapon hand of the young looking man before the poor chap could regain his balance. He then pulled the hand towards himself, brought the guard's hand on his knee with crushing impact. He let go, and the man landed to the ground, sobbing with pain. Brian lifted the guard's sword from the ground. He stepped besides the guard, and slit his throat open with practised efficiency. All of this had happened within mere seconds.
The next guard who ran at him was faced with a fatal blow from the sword, severing his stomach, cutting cleanly through his chain mail shirt, sending his blood, and worse, tumbling to the ground in a bloody mass. Brian didn't even spare a second look for the two, still fresh, bodies; this was how he made his living, and grieving for the enemy had never helped him.
Brian was trying to concentrate. He could keep this up for sometime, but not forever. The guards would overpower him eventually.
Where is he?! he asked himself.
Brian was actually worried for one terror filled second that the man wouldn't come, but the sudden sound of the alert bell, rang by one of the guards, indicated that his help had arrived... though late it was.
The guard lines broke as an ironclad man on a heavily armored horse rode through the lines, followed by a cohort of cavalry men. The guards hadn’t been ready, and many were now sprawling on the ground bleeding to death because of the impact dealt to them from behind. Thanks the momentum that their surprise attack had inflicted upon the guard lines, the horsemen were able to push an opening through the mass of the guards.
The ironclad man rode to Brian in the general confusion of the battle and then signaled the others to retreat. Brian hastily mounted the horse, sitting behind the soldier.
“You're late,” Brian said as they were riding away.
“Better late than never,” answered the man. Brian could see him grinning. He snorted, couldn’t help but smile himself.
They rode away from the hill before the guards men could regroup.
The execution had been supposedly secret, due to the fact that the notoriously loyal subordinates of Brian Giligam might try to free him, and was kept on the hill instead of the capital. But there had been a slight mistake in the plans… They didn’t know just how loyal the men could be.
The sunrise worked for them, making it harder for archers to hit them.
Hah! Brian thought. I’d give anything to see Leo’s face now.
Well that’s what you get for being over confident of the secrecy of your affairs. He thought with a smug smile upon his face.
“Rex,” he said to the man riding the horse.
“Yes captain?” Rex asked
“Take us to Preacher's grove.”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
Rex altered their course and they started their march to freedom.

Hey! I really loved this. It was short (always a good thing for a first part - there is nothing more offputting than a never-ending piece of writing!) but extremely well-crafted. The opening was exactly what you expect of an opening: not crowded with information, but drops enough hints to make the reader read on. The story that came next was intriguing and full of action. You picked the right spot to start with - dropping the reader straight into an action sequence. As soon as I realised your main character was being hanged, the word "NO!" actually ran through my head and I started reading faster.
Now I'm going to point out pinickity improvements:

“Captain Brian James Giligam. You are hereby charged of treachery against the holy crown of the emperor. Smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; Murder of a guardsman on duty and-” the stubby man looked up from his notes, his left eye was black “-and assaulting a government official-” A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian, and put the rope around his neck, the drum roll seized. “-And are hereby sentenced to death by hanging,” the man looked at me distastefully.

This is a long passage! I'm not sure about the word "seized" and you said "me", when the rest of the story is in the third person.
I suggest you could change it to: "Captain Brian James Giligam. You are hereby charged of treachery against the holy crown of the emperor. You are also charged with smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; the murder of a guardsman on duty, and..." The stubby man looked up from his notes. His left eye was encircled in a large black bruise. "... and assaulting a government official." A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian and put the rope around his neck. The tempo of the drum roll increased. "You are hereby sentenced to death by hanging." The man looked at him distastefully.

“I am sorry, but I may be unable to make through with your request,” he nodded to the black hooded man next to Brian.

This could be: "I am sorry, but I may be unable to carry out your request." He nodded to the black hooded man next to Brian.

"Your late,” Brian said as they were riding away.

I think you mean "You're"

“Yes captain?” Rex asked

You need a full stop after "asked".

Overall: a really great start! I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for the next bit!

Sorry about that. I first wrote the story in first person but I then noticed that it didn't fit my plans.

Hey,

Execution scene - lovely. Although it would depend on the point of view... Oh, and did you ever happen to read Sapkowki's "Witcher" series? There also was an execution scene, one from which the one to be hanged escaped, and I think it was one of the best of the type to be ever written.

(Shamelessly advertises Sapowski).



quote:
The cold rain felt odd on his skin. The sky looked astonishingly stunning.
"The ..." mmm "The ...".


quote:
“Come on you, get going,” he commanded. He didn’t dare answer.
Te narrator didn't react, of course, not the commander. I'm adding the "of course" for my benefit, ot for the benefit of any other reader - because when I first read the quoted, I blinked and htough to myself: "What?" Perhaps you should consider clearing that up, the pronoun switch.


quote:
prisoners; Murder of a guardsman on duty and-”
Minors, all minors.


quote:
A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian, and put the rope around his neck, the drum roll seized.
Last part after last comma is run-over. Semicolon, or rephrase. Hmm. "Seized" as in "took up" again? But it was always there? Or "ceased" as in stopped?


quote:
And are hereby sentenced to death by hanging,” the stubby man looked at Brian distastefully.
Period before quote, and then capital.


quote:
last requests captain?” he asked.
Comma before title.


quote:
Then he pulled the lever.
Again, unclear pronoun.


quote:
He looked to his sides, he was surrounded by guards.
Run-on.


quote:
He tried to get up with his hands tied to his back, and eventually succeeded.
Show don't tell!


quote:
Brian was actually worried for one feverish second that the man would be late, but the sudden sound of the alert bell meant that the man had made it, though late he was.
The guard lines broke as an ironclad man
The man, man, man.


quote:
He snorted, couldn’t help but to smile himself.
run-on. Cut the "to" (?)


quote:
Well that’s what you get for being over confident of the secrecy of your affairs. He thought with a smug smile upon his face.
Consider putting actual though in itallics, comma, an dthen tag in normals letters.


quote:
“Rex,” He sad to the man riding the horse.
“Rex,” he said to the man riding the horse.

***





Watch out for your pronouns. Sometimes you are writing about one character as "he", which is fine, but then add another "he" (perhaps a name), and then there's a third sentence in which "he" is used, and it's not clear whether the "he" goes to the first character or the second. It's as unclear as my last sentence.

Dialogue punctuation. Sometimes you had it right, sometime's you didn't. It was a lottery. Later on I stopped quoting those sentences, since that wouldn't really do any good. Catch a fluttering about article about dialogue punctuation and find 'em yourself.

Run-on sentences. There were some of those. Not a staggeringly big amount, but they were there. Run-ons are sentences in which there's a comma where there could be a period. Meaning, if you put a period where the comma is, nothing would happen. The two parts, before and afte rteh comma, are not reliant on each other and could exist perfectly happily without each other. It's a comma playing at a semicolon, and failing, but easy to fix - either rephrase, or use a semicolon.ra

I'd like to see more in this piece. More descriptions (the initial battle, how the guards ended up bleeding and trampled to death) - add more details, show us what happened. Don't just say it did. Don't make the reader take it for granted. Show. Expand, elaborate, show!

More feelings and emotions, too. Don't state things. The story said Brian was worrier - "said", which is the problem. It's good that we know he is sad, yes, but aslo show it to us. Make the read feel anticipation, fear. Again, show not tell.

That said, the story is a very good basis. There's a lot happening - although I'd like to see it expanded - and there's substance to what is happening. It's sensible, clear to follow, logical. One part which I loved was the reading of the sentence, and inserting the black-eye comment. Very nice.



Esme

My only real advise is to savor the moment. I'm won't bother correcting your grammar and prose, since that has been taken care of by other reviewers, but I would work to put more emotion into this piece. I though that the rescue had a bit too quickly, but that may just be my opinion. When your writing scenes like this where something dramatic is about to take effect, do your best to savor the moment, even if it's an unpleasant one. Is the MC worried that his rescuer won't arrive in time? If so, I would do my best to involve the reader. Just things like that.

Hi Thanks for posting in my WRFF thread! I thought this was a great way to begin a story, I loved how you jumped straight in ^^ I warn you I am kind of picky, but it's just my opinion so feel free to ignore me

There was drum roll. It was raining; it always did on days like these, although you could see the sunrise from the east. The cold rain felt odd on his skin. The sky looked astonishingly stunning.

I think you could rephrase the first sentence, the idea of starting with the drum roll is good and a nice way of introducing the tension of the scene, but I do think you could write it a bit better. Perhaps something like 'The drum roll had begun.' or if you wanted to describe it a bit more something like 'The steady beat of the drum roll started.' I'd add in something about how the sunrise appears, like 'peaking above the hills' or 'warm glow' and I agree with Esme where she has picked out starting both sentences with 'The', maybe you could connect the two? Something perhaps about the rain feeling odd as he gazed up at the stunning sky would maybe flow easier

He ascended upon the platform when the prosecutor started to speak.

I don't think you need 'upon' here and I'd perhaps change 'when the prosecutor' to 'as the prosecutor' to show that he is talking as he walks.

You are hereby charged of treachery against the holy crown of the emperor. Smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; Murder of a guardsman on duty and-”

I think 'of treachery' should be 'with treachery' and I'm not sure about 'holy'- I don't know if a guard would really say that. I think it might be better to change the full stop before 'smuggling' to a semi-colon as it doesn't really make sense on it's own beginning a new sentence and to fit in with how you have phrased the previous offences maybe 'Murder of a guardsmen' would work well as 'murdering a guardsman'. So all in all something like this -
'You are hereby charged with treachery against the crown of the emperor; smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; murdering a guardsman on duty and-'

A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian, and put a rope around his neck, the drum roll ceased. “And are hereby sentenced to death by hanging.”

I think you could use more descriptive words here than 'came' and 'put' as they don't really say much about the action, perhaps 'came' could be something about how he walked- is he menacing? Maybe 'Walked heavily towards Brian' and for 'put' perhaps something about roughly pulling the rope around his neck would be good I'd maybe have 'the drum roll ceased' as a sentence on its own to make it more dramatic and 'And are hereby sentenced' could work well as 'You are hereby sentenced.' as you are beginning a new sentence and it is not part of the list of offences.

but I may be unable to carry out with your request,”

I don't think you need 'with' here

The man walked to a lever on Brian’s left side and took hold.
Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

I'd maybe add 'of it' on the end of 'took hold' or perhaps add some more information to the action as I demonstrated previously. I'd also consider changing one of the 'took' so you are not repeating them so close to one another, maybe 'grabbed' for the first one or something similar?

He heard the executor take a deep breath too. Then the executor pulled the lever.

As you say 'the executor' in both sentences, I'd maybe change the first one to 'the man' or something like that - just so you are not repeating it.

He heard himself scream as he fell. He could feel the strain on his neck and then… Snap!

I'd maybe join these two sentences to flow better, maybe something like 'He heard himself scream as he fell, the noose tightening about his neck, but then... Snap!' I'd maybe put 'snap!' into italics as well.

which was surprisingly hard

'which he found to be surprisingly hard' or 'which proved to be surprisingly hard' might work well here as you are showing that he found out it was hard.

He accomplished to put himself into something that looked like a kneel, and then pushed himself up. He looked to his sides.

The first sentence I think could be cut down, as it sounds a bit confusing. Just something like 'He managed to position himself into a kneel, then pushing himself up.' might work better I'd also maybe rephrase 'he looked to his sides', perhaps 'he looked either side of him' or 'he looked both left and right.'

He spun his head to every direction, trying to find an opening in the lines.

'his head to' might be better as 'to face'.

Anger filled Brian and took place of the terror.

I think you need 'the' before 'place' and I'd maybe change 'the terror' to 'his terror'- but you could always rewrite this as something like 'Anger filled Brian, taking the place of his terror.'

A guardsman jumped at Brian, trying to slash a sword through him. Brian [s]turned away from[/s] dodged the [s]slash[/s]attack just in the nick of the time. He grabbed the weapon hand of the guard before the poor man could [s]get[/s] regain his balance [s]back[/s]. He then pulled the hand towards himself, [s]lifted[/s] jerking his own knee upwards to smash into the guards wrist[s]and brought the guards hand on it with crushing impact[/s]. He let go, and the guard sprawled to the ground, sobbing with pain. Brian [s]lifted[/s] picked up the guards sword [s]from the ground. He[/s] and[s]walked to the guards and[/s] quickly [s]cut[/s] slit [s]his[/s]the mans throat open. All of this had happened within a few seconds. The next guard[s]s[/s] who ran at him was faced with a fatal blow from the sword, [s]severing his stomach[/s] cutting cleanly through his chain mail shirt[s],[/s] to send[s]ing[/s] his intestines [s]on[/s]tumbling to the [s]ground[/s] floor in a bloody mass.

I know it's a long quote but I found quite a few small things I'd think about changing in here, I've shown the changes I have made in bold and crossings out as to how I think it could be written

that the man wouldn't come, but the sudden sound of the alert bell indicated that the man had made it... though late he was.

As you have already said 'the man' I'd change 'bell indicated that the man' to 'bell indicated that he', I'd also maybe swap 'late' with 'he was' too.

Thanks the momentum that their surprise attack had inflicted upon the guard lines, the horsemen were able to push an opening through the mass of the guards.

I think you need 'to' after 'Thanks' and I'd maybe simplify this a bit by leaving out 'had been inflicted upon the guard lines' and change 'that their' to 'of their'. That way you are not repeating 'guards' and 'lines' so much So something like this- 'Thanks to the momentum of their surprise attack, the horsemen were able to push an opening through the mass of guards.'

“You're late,” Brian said as they were riding away.

I think you could add a sentence or two in about him mounting the horse as you kind of jump from him arriving to already riding away. 'were riding' might sound better as 'rode' and I think 'said' could be replaced with something better to show how he says this, like 'commented'.

He snorted, couldn’t help but smile himself.

I'd maybe change the comma to an 'and'.

The sunrise worked for them, making it harder for archers to hit them.

I think you could rephrase the last part of this sentence, maybe 'hindering the archers aim' or 'providing cover from the archers aim'.

Well that’s what you get for being over confident of the secrecy of your affairs. He thought with a smug smile upon his face.

'in the secrecy of' might sound better here, and as it is his thought I'd maybe put it into italics

they started their march to freedom.

It's not really a march as they are riding on horses- maybe 'gallop'?

Overall: I did really enjoy this, I thought it was a great concept and I loved how you showed the action. Brian seems like a brilliant character too I hope you continue!

I noticed there were a few words that you used quite often, such as 'sprawl', 'ground', 'guards' and 'lines', I'd try and vary the words you use by replacing a few of these or rearranging the sentence to leave them out I'd also try to add a bit more emotion and expression to your characters too, like showing how the guard looks when he is in pain or adding in more emotion as to how each of the characters talk. It's a lot more effective to describe how people appear rather than tell the reader. I think the way you began this story was a good way of introducing Brian, but I would like to know a bit more about how he feels physically, like when he is fighting does it take a lot of effort? Does perspiration break out on his forehead and his heart start to pound against his ribcage? Little details like that

I also thought I would point out that he has his arms tied behind his back when the rope first breaks but then when he is fighting he no longer does. You could add in something about when he dodges the sword it slices through the rope or something like that to overcome this.

I think you have written this pretty well, you kept the story exciting and upbeat despite the seriousness going on around the main character. I definitely think you should carry on with it All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!

Hey Anzius, Stella here, as requested! Sorry it's taken me a while...

I. NITPICKS

The sky looked astonishingly stunning.

I'd get rid of astonishingly, or replace stunning, both together is too much.

“Come on you, get going,” The guard commanded.

the, not The. You do this several times during the piece, so I'll explain, never begin your speech tag with a capital letter, the same way you never precede it with a full stop. It's still the same sentence.

freeing enemy prisoners; Murder of a guardsman on duty and-”

No need for the capital letter.

That slive. he thought. Someday I'm gonna gut him good.

Slive?

He walked to the guards and cut his throat open. All of this had happened within a few seconds.

Guard, not guards, and consider rephrasing that last sentence it's a bit... dull.

The next guards who ran at him was faced with a fatal blow

Guard, not guards again.

sending his intestines on the ground in a bloody mass.

Oh come on. Really?

“Take us to Preachers grove.”

Preachers Grove, maybe even Preacher's Grove?

Okay...

II. THOUGHT

Thought follows the same rules as dialogue, essentially. So:

If Mandy could see me now. Ben thought.

isn't right, but:

If Mandy could see me now, Ben thought.

is. Do you see what I mean? Remember: no full stop and no capital letter whether it's thought or speech, other forms of punctuation are fine.

III. OH, THE SENSELESS KILLING

So no remorse, no guilt, no hesitation? And unnecessary gore? I have no problem with gore, I like gore, but it's when your ideas start getting out of hand. Stabbing someone won't send nine metres of intestine over the floor, even if it did, there are things attached to the intestine. Don't overdo it. And think of the emotional impact of slitting someone's throat or stabbing them in the gut... it'll mess you up.

IV. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I got very little idea of who Brian really is, and it's quite important we get a sense of him early on, not a whole development, but at least something. Show us his head. What does he think about as he kills people? If he has these loyal followers, will he miss them? Think about them? If he's so sure he'll be rescued, why does he think that he is going to die- why isn't he more upset about that fact? We need to know more about him...

V. OVERALL

A strong beginning, could use a little work, but mostly it was really interesting.

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella.

Alright. So. You asked me for a critique ages ago on this, and it's taken me forever to get to it! *flails* So sorry. But it looks like you've already received some pretty in-depth and informative reviews, so I'm not going to go into nit-pick mode on you. I'll just give you my over-all opinions.

Pace

Okay, so, I'm going to be brutally honest with you here, because I'm sure you can handle a little criticism. I think this entire section needs to be expanded a great deal. You're rushing through an outrageously important scene-- the first one. There are some things I'm going to mention to you to try and help you deal with this.

-- Sentence Variation

Almost all of your sentences in the beginning are short. This, in itself, is certainly not a bad thing, but when used time after time, it gets tiring to the reader. We need some longer, connected, flowing sentences as well as this terse action you've given us. That said, don't go changing every single one of your sentences so that they're a billion miles long. The key is variation. Short and long, and in between.

-- He...he...he...

One easy trap to fall into is starting too many sentences with the word 'he'. This is very obvious to the reader, and makes the piece seem more like a list of what your main character is doing instead of a sotry written to entertain your readers. You have to find some things to focus on besides the actual character himself-- description of weather, of settings, of that sinking feeling in his stomach; any of that would be good.

-- The escape

Right here:

The ironclad man rode to Brian in the general confusion of the battle and then signaled the other to retreat.

“You're late,” Brian said as they were riding away.

That was way too easy. With all of these guards, you can't simply tell us that they got away because of the confusion. There's inevitably going to be some more struggle here; the man being sentenced to death is easily riding away, and everyone is too confused to notice? That's an excuse for not writing out the scene that needs to be written.

Description

More, love. More. Description isn't just what something looks like; it's what it smells like and sounds like and how it reminds him of the chaos of his sixth birthday party, and how the ones sentencing him reek of distate and scorn and indifference, and how the world is one dismal splotch of gray that cannot be erased from the canvas. We need an image, not words. Writers do not slap words on paper. They paint images and weave scenes from letters.

Emotions/Characterization

Again, more. This person is about to be hanged, for goodness sakes! He's going to be freaking out. And no, this cannot be an exception. Even if he knows someone should be coming to save him, there's not a shadow of a doubt that he's still scared witless that his friend won't show, that the rope won't break, that the guard will catch them. there are so many 'ifs' in the plan that you have to explore those fears and emotions. Otherwise, your Brian character seems inhuman. And that's the last kind of character you want-- an unrelatable one.

So, although I think the concept of this is good, you need to slow down and take the time to slave over your scenes and give them the description, emotions, pace, and dialogue that they deserve. Also, check over your grammar and capitalization. You've missed capitals and commas.

Good luck, sorry for any harsh words, and I know you can make this much better!

~Evi

There was drum roll. It was raining; it always did on days like these, although you could see the sunrise from the east. The cold rain felt odd on his skin. The sky looked stunning. He hadn’t notice that he had stopped walking until the guard jabbed him with a spear.
“Come on you, get going,” the guard commanded. Brian didn’t dare answer.

I really liked this paragraph, great introduction. You could possible work on the flow a little more, linking the cold rain and the stunning sky into one sentence. As soon as you mentioned the guard I was drawn into the story and curious about what was to happen next. Really good intro!

A guardsman jumped at Brian, trying to slash a sword through him. Brian turned away from the slash just in the nick of the time, and let the sword cut open the ropes holding his hands. He grabbed the weapon hand of the guard before the poor man could regain his balance. He then pulled the hand towards himself, brought the guards hand on his knee with crushing impact. He let go, and the guard landed to the ground, sobbing with pain. Brian lifted the guards sword from the ground. He walked to the guard and cut his throat open, with practised ease. All of this had happened within a few seconds. The next guard who ran at him was faced with a fatal blow from the sword, severing his stomach cutting cleanly through his chain mail shirt, sending his stomach, and worse, on the ground in a bloody mass.
Brian was trying to concentrate. He could keep this up for sometime, but not forever. The guards would overpower him eventually.

You really need to go through this with a thesaurus, you use guard and guards way to manny times and it makes your story seem repetitive and boring when the fight seen is actually very good. Instead of using guards maybe Kingsman or describe the mans apearance. Just a suggestion.

Overall: Overall I really liked this story. Although sometimes your sentences can be too blunt, add a little more description, describe was he is thinking when fighting. Will he make it out alive? Maybe a flashback from when he was little. Then again I think what is great about this chapter is the element of mystery, I would like to see where it progresses.

pm me if you have any questions

Your use of detail is great, the suspenseful start brought about by your telling of the drum roll is catching for a new reader, well done. The tone and mood are good, but you need a bit more use of emotional detail so that the reader can really connect with the characters, but it’s a great start! I’m still drawn to read more, just a bit more may draw others in. Your characterization is well done, although the need a little bit more depth so we can really feel for them. Otherwise, I really like it! Excellent work! 

Hi there! Here by request!

Comments
Title: Your title was good, at least for me, since I'm a band geek.
Intro: Your intro was very excellent! At first, it struck me as a copy of Pirates of The Caribbean, but that changed as the story proceeded.
Ending: Your ending closed up the first chapter very well! I might have to read the next few chapters!

Nitpicks:

Brian didn’t dare answer.

This seemed out of character for Brian. He seems like a lippy, rebellious kind of guy, so this didn't really fit.

Leo’s

Who's Leo? Is that the executioner?

Other than that, I liked it!
Good job!

- fragile_heart(!)
xx

Again, I seem to be late (but then again, I've been late for all the others while I wait to catch up, so it seems to be a pattern). This time it's because I've been trying to find something things I could point out, because there's so many people who have already reviewed it, there's not really much left. I'm sure I may have pointed out a couple of things that people have already, I hope I didn't do it too often.

Lord Anzius wrote:AND THERE WAS DRUM ROLL

There was drum roll. The rhythmic banging had started just as he had stepped onto the rocky hill. The hill was like a miniature mountaintop, with a wooden platform. It was raining; it always did on days like these, although the sky was not full of clouds, and you could see the sunrise from the east; it was stunning. The cold rain felt odd on his skin. He hadn’t notice that he had stopped walking until the guard jabbed him with a spear.

Your opening paragraph is great. You used wonderful description. The first sentence kind of felt like a slap in the face to me. It's just so out there. I think this paragraph would be better without it (however, it seems as though many people love it, so I must just be odd).

“Come on you, get going,” the guard commanded. Brian didn’t dare answer. He ascended [s]upon[/s] the platform when the prosecutor started to speak.

I don't really think 'upon' is necesary. It's an odd use of language and it doesn't really fit into the sentence that well.

A man wearing a black hood over his head came to Brian. The man took a thick rope, and tied it around Brian's head; the drum roll ceased. “And are hereby sentenced to death by hanging,” the sentence was followed by the bang of a closing book.
The stubby man looked at Brian distastefully. “Any last requests, captain?” he asked.
Brian kept a hard face. “Only for you to go to hell,” he spat on the ground. The stubby man gave Brian a sobering look. “I am sorry, but I may be unable to carry out with your request,” he nodded to the black hooded man next to Brian. The man walked to a lever on Brian’s left side and took hold.
Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

I bet that this is just a mistake on your part, but it's really extremely important to put dialouge from different speakers in their own paragraphs.

Overall
It's an interesting story, and the begining is by far the best part- it draws people in. During the exectution scene you seemed to use a lot more telling than showing. It's a one of the golden rules (which I must say, everyone breaks sometimes) of writing. Instead of telling me he was angry, I want you to show me. Do you get what I'm saying? It makes any writing 10x better. Some of your sentences were a bit off, but I don't think it was that bad, and it seems to be somthing that I think you'll improve on your own by just reading.

Thanks for the buisness,
MV

Mm-kay, so, I'm not a super huge fan of fantasy fiction so this might not be extremely helpful but, you asked so I shall give.

Lord Anzius wrote:There was drum roll.

This sounds a little strange to me without the 'a' before 'drum'. You did that in the title too and I don't know if that's on purpose or not but I think it sounds kind of funny.

Lord Anzius wrote: The rhythmic banging had started just as he had stepped onto the rocky hill.

Lord Anzius wrote:He hadn’t notice ((noticed)) that he had stopped walking until the guard jabbed him with a spear.

Lord Anzius wrote:The stubby man looked at Brian distastefully. “Any last requests, captain?” he asked.
Brian kept a hard face. “Only for you to go to hell,” he spat on the ground. The stubby man gave Brian a sobering look. “I am sorry, but I may be unable to carry out with your request,” he nodded to the black hooded man next to Brian. The man walked to a lever on Brian’s left side and took hold.

Great last request.
One thing, separate the different people talking with different paragraphs.

Lord Anzius wrote:He heard the executor take a deep breath too. Then the he pulled the lever. Brian snapped his eyes open as he felt the floor beneath him falter. He heard himself scream in terror as he fell, trying to free his arms in the air. He could feel the strain on his neck, pressure pushing onto him, making it harder to breathe, and then… Snap! The rope broke; he sprawled to the ground, gasping for the air that had just been denied from him. He tried to get up with his hands tied to his back, which proved to be surprisingly hard. He tried to lift himself with only his legs. He accomplished to put himself into something like a kneel, and then heaved himself up. He spun his face around, trying to see all the directions at the same time, looking for an escape. He was surrounded by guards.

Great, great, great description.

Lord Anzius wrote:That slive, he thought.

Is 'slive' a typo or did you mean to type that?

Lord Anzius wrote:Brian turned away from the slash just in the nick of time, and let the sword cut open the ropes holding his hands.

How convenient.

Lord Anzius wrote:and slit his throat open with practised ((practiced)) efficiency.

Lord Anzius wrote:Thanks [b]((to)) the momentum that their surprise attack had inflicted upon the guard lines,

Lord Anzius wrote:Well that’s what you get for being over confident of the secrecy of your affairs.

Like I said before, I'm not a huge fan of fantasy but this wasn't super fantasy so it wasn't that bad.
The plot is intriguing. I want to know what Brian is a wanted man and for that matter, how he's such a good fighter and everything.
The only main issues you had were with grammar and spelling which are both easy to fix. I would recommend reading your story out loud to pick up on more of the grammar things.
PM me if you have any questions!

-Carly

Hey! I’m so, so sorry for the belated review. But I won’t waste any time with petty excuses. Since a lot of people have reviewed, I won’t nitpick this to pieces, although there are a few things I want to point out. Here we go.

Variation in Sentence Structure
As Evi said, do your best not to have repetitive sentences. The following are some sentences in your story that were placed quite close together and have similar sentence structure.

The rhythmic banging had started just as he had stepped onto the rocky hill.
The hill was like a miniature flat mountaintop, with a large wooden platform.
It was raining;
it was stunning.
The man took a thick rope, and tied it around Brian's head;
the drum roll ceased.
the sentence was followed by the bang of a closing book.
The stubby man looked at Brian distastefully.

These can be easily changed. For example, the last sentence could be written as “Distastefully, the stubby man looked at Ryan.” By taking the adjective and placing it at the front, you keep the sentence intact and add some interest to the paragraph because it doesn’t sound like a Dick & Jane book. By that I mean the books were it’s like “Dick stood up. Dick walked to the door. Dick said to Jane...” and so on.

The Escape

He could feel the strain on his neck, pressure pushing onto him, making it harder to breathe, and then… Snap! The rope broke; he sprawled to the ground, gasping for the air that had just been denied from him.

If Brian and his group had been planning his escape, do the plan for the rope to break? I’m really, really confused about this part. Do they get a rope that is really, really weak and replace that? But wouldn’t the executioners check everything before they kill him? Does Brian have an ally in the group acting as a double agent? Or was he just relying on luck, hoping the rope would snap? Perhaps I misunderstood this scene, so if you could clarify it, that would be great.

The execution had been supposedly secret, due to the fact that the notoriously loyal subordinates of Brian Giligam might try to free him, and was kept on the hill instead of the capital.

If it’s a secret execution, why do they need a drum roll? Just curious. If this guy’s a criminal, it doesn’t seem like they want him to die with dignity or honor, and somehow the drum roll gives off that idea.

Characterization
Somehow Brian seems all over the place as a character. He is the leader of this rebel faction, right? Then obviously he is charismatic, and confident. However, he gives off this impression of being cocky. Is he? Is his fatal flaw hubris? If he is to be the protagonist of this story, will he start off as this overconfident leader, who develops into a mature and strong character? At the moment, I have no idea who Brian is, besides the fact that he is a leader and he is confident.

Show vs. Tell
Remember there is a difference between good and bad description. It seems like you try to describe the scene, but there are no specifics. Take the following sentences:

It was raining; it always did on days like these, although the sky was not full of clouds, and you could see the sunrise from the east; it was stunning. The cold rain felt odd on his skin.

So it always rains on “days like these”, but what does that mean? Does it always rain on execution days? Does it always rain on summer days? Exactly what does the ‘these’ refer to? The sentence “it was stunning” doesn’t help me imagine the sunrise. Is the sky blood-red and yellow? Or, since it’s raining, is it a soft gray and pale orange? What effect does the sunrise have on the scene? As for the cold rain feeling odd on Brian’s skin, how does it feel odd? Does it tingle? Does it hurt? See how there are so many details you can add? Try to ask yourself such questions when you reread the piece and see what can be augmented.

Otherwise, there isn’t much left to be said. I would agree with the nitpicks the previous reviewers pointed out. The execution is definitely an excellent place to begin the story; some of my favorite books begin in media res. Keep up the good work, and I’m curious to see where your story leads.

Best of luck,
octo

Hey there, Anzius -- here by request, even though this is a bit old! Also, sorry for making you wait.

So, I liked how you managed to have me overall interested throughout the chapter. You still have some punctuation and spelling problems, but you're getting more and more rid of them as we speak!

Headman's hill was like a miniature, flat, mountaintop, / though grass had somehow overcome the obstacles that the rocky ground had presented upon it, and had infiltrated the surface of the hill.

The bit before the slash was confusing. Please clarify it. Also, the sentence as a whole is quite wordy, and seems a little like you've tried too hard to keep it from being simple. Sometimes simple, or simpler, is good. The readers also like it when they can understand a sentence without having to concentrate on it too much (at least, the readers who aren't native English speakers ).

The cold rain felt odd on his skin. He hadn’t notice that he had stopped walking until the guard jabbed him with a spear.

“Come on you, get going,” the guard commanded. Brian didn’t dare answer, fearing what the guard might do with the spear if he dared to say anything.

Repetition of dare. My nit-picky ear would like it if the first "his" was replaced with "Brian's". That way, the "Brian" in this quote wouldn't come so out of the blue.

“Captain Brian James Giligam. You are hereby charged of treachery against the holy crown of the emperor. Smuggling and destroying weapons of the crown for the enemy; freeing enemy prisoners; murder of a guardsman on duty and-” the stubby man looked up from his notes. His left eye was encircled by a black bruise “-and assaulting a government official.”

Find another place for the part in bold; it's too much to be thrown in between all the fancy law-like talk.

It Actually worked! he thought. He tried to get up with his hands tied to his back, which proved to be surprisingly hard, while trying to lift himself with only his legs.

The part in bold is basically just repeating the first part of the sentence -- you can easily ditch it. And why is "actually" capitalized? By the way, the quote (I mean, what he's thinking) makes it seem like he either was especially trying to make the rope break, or knew it would happen. If this is not the case, I'd suggest rephrasing the thought.

cutting cleanly through his chain mail shirt, sending his blood, and worse,

I think that by "worse" you mean all sorts of guts and whatnot, but the word choice just seemed a bit funny to me. How is that worse, really? It makes the scene gorier, yes, but maybe that still isn't the best word for it? *shrugs*

To me, the latter story half was more -- I wouldn't say boring, but harder to focus on, for some reason. Maybe I was just so blown away by the action, or then you and me both paid more attention to the beginning of the chapter.

I hope this helped, and jatka samaan malliin!


Demeter
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