Young Writers Society

u75jke

Hello there.
I believe I may take a little gander at your story.
I'll get started then.

I. NIT-PICKING

The heat was stifling and a solitary trickle of perspiration ran down his brow.

This is not really a comment, but it was kind of humourous. I just read a story with theexact same line as that but it was almost at the end. xD

had just become

**became.

become a fugitive from; his shoes were worn

The semi-colon works here, but I believe it is un-needed. I believe it would make more sense if you replaced it with a comma. When you put the semi-colon there, it automatically makes the reader think you are going to list something, yet you did not do that. It is understandable, bit I think you would be better off with a comma.

He was tired, but he never allowed himself to break into the world of rest.

When I first read this, it was slightly confusing. I believe you should alter it more over to something like;
'He was tired, but he would never allow himself a minutes rest.'

father himself; The flash of a firearm’s muzzle

'The' does not need to be capitalized.

family, these

It should be 'family. These'.

The man was interrupted from his thoughts by a boy, who can’t have been much older than ten years

First of all I believe the first part of the sentence is not structured right. Only slightly though. I think it should be;
'The man's thoughts were interrupted by a small boy... etc.'

And secondly, 'can't' should actually be 'couldn't'.

that they would arrive in Israel when he awakens.

I do not know what you mean by this. Does it mean that he is going to carry the boy to Israel and the boy is going to wake up there, or does it mean that they will leave in the morning to Israel? I believe you could rephrase it to make more sense.

“The boy is Jewish, He came from Israel”

Just to let you know, when you capitalize 'He' it automatically makes me think your referring to God. This 'he' does not have to be capitalized to be frank. I like how you made this kind of not very fluent because it seems more over what someone would inscribe in a hurry.

realise

**realize

This boy had the body of an adolescent but his eyes showed the destruction and terror that he had been made to witness, making him look older.

This doesn't seem to settle right for me. You don't have to follow this but, it is what I thought it should be;
'This boy had the body of an adolescent but his eyes showed weariness of someone much greater in years. For this boy had to endure through destruction and terror, that not many people have ever been forced to even witness.'

but for one moment there glinted hope, that the tracks in which there were speeding where taking them to a new life, a fresh start, a world away from the destruction that they had all broken from.

This with the first part of the sentence is dreadfully long. I believe you could break it into two parts or something. I don't know. xD
'but for one moment there glinted hope. That maybe, the tracks in which they were speeding would take them to a new life, a fresh start. To a world away from the destruction that they had all broken from.

And also, you had a miz up with your words at 'in which there were speeding where taking'. It should be 'in which they were speeding would take'.

Also, speeding doesn't seem the right word for this. Use a thesaurus and find a synomyn for following or racing. Something on those lines.

the questions circling inside his head, to observe the surroundings

No need in a comma.

which carried

'had' should be inbetween those words.

As he returned to his original resting place, his thoughts drifted towards his wife. He struggled to hide his emotions; he was on the brink of tears, when a voice came from the older boy. He asked the one question he was dreading,

‘Daddy, where’s Mummy?’

That ending was stunning. Marvelous.

II. GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION

You had amazing grammar and punctuation except for the few grammatical mistakes you seemed to have made. Be careful with capitalization because it seems you capitalizd some words after commas and semi-colons, and that is a no-no.

You did well in this area.

III. WRITING STYLE

You have marvelous vocabulary. I was certainly impressed. Your writing is descriptive and detailed making it positively interesting for a reader to read. And you were thinking you were going to be bad. That was one of my utmost favourite pieces. You have different sentence structure than me, so I commented on that in my nit-picks. I am not quite sure if there is a proper way, but I just told you my own oppinion.

Your fomating was perfect. I would have liked to have more dialogue, but I guess this was more over a thoughtful piece. It was dreadfully sad and reminded me of the Kiterunner even though they are in two different places.

You might also want to add more to the setting. I had no idea that they were on a train until the end. I actually thought they were out doors with tents. I liked the idea of the train. That was excellent.

Also, one thing that you might want to fix up. In the beginning you said he was a fugitive. But the truth is, he is not if he is a refugee. That was slightly confusing for me, so I think other readers might catch on also.

IV. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I actually liked the main character. His values could be easily seen and you could obviously tell that he loved his family and was haunted by his past. An aspect that I would have added though could have possible been denail, self-blaming, or pessimistic as most refugee's become. I believe that he was different, but I think you should add more dimension.

I also believe you should add more decription into what they looked like. I had to use my imagination and knowledge on this one, but all readers will have a different oppinion on them.

I think you should add more dialogue so that you could get more of the character's traits legible.

V. OVERALL

I loved this piece. It was marvelous and well written. It made it twice as sad with the sad piano music I always listen to as I review. xD

I found it incredibly remarkable, and certainly I have been wiped out if you think you are not as good as some of us. You have some of the best punctuation and grammar on this site for your age. I was particularly impressed with how you displayed the emotions clearly.

To tell you the truth, I had to seriously dig to find critiques.

Just tweak the items I have commented on and certainly you will be brilliant.

~Incognito

Hey there Incognito,

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! I agree with everything you've said and will definitely be making some amendments, to be honest, I thought I was going to be raped by you critique types! haha, oh well, I need to think of a title

Thank you again.

George

Hey George dear, Stella here, as requested! May I formally welcome you to YWS and introduce myself: I'm Stella, (well duh), and I'll be your reviewer today...

Hehe. I just realised Incog sets her reviews out in exactly the same format as me... I never knew that. But, it's habit, so I'm afraid you'll have to deal with it.

I. NITPICKS

The man was interrupted from his thoughts by a boy, who can’t have been much older than ten years.

First of all, the comma's unnecessary, secondly, you've got a bit of tense mix-up here.

there glinted hope, that the track

No comma here either.

who had awakened earlier,

You know what, I've been messing up tenses recently, which really isn't good, but is it 'awoken'? Don't mind me if it isn't, I think my brain power is simply seeping away...

Okay...

II. VOICE

Your voice, well, put it down to taste, but it's just too passive for my liking. I think you should try to make it a little more direct, you know? At the moment, you're quite detached from your MC. Try saying "he" instead of "the man", instead of saying "causing him to..." say "he... because." Try and connect a little more with him. Sometimes, also, simpler prose can do this for you, the bigger words you use, the more detached you are, I find.

III. AMBIGUITY

You don't actually mention the Lebanon until pretty far in and while I understand you might want to be subtle, a lot of us (ie. me) don't understand fully half of the stuff going on in the Middle East. Perhaps make it a bit easier for us to understand?

IV. CHARACTERS

You said you wanted help on this, and it's true, your characters are a bit thin. To be honest, I think the name is half of it, your character is unnamed. He seems to love his children, but I'd like to get a little deeper. Is he brave or cowardly? What did he work as? Is he friendly? How does he treat other people who aren't his sons? Some extra memories wouldn't go amiss to help convey this type of stuff. And his wife, I'd like to know more about her. Personally, I would try putting in some more memories nad anecdotes to show what type of person he is, and that way, he'll be much fatter. The boys will be easier, use his mind to show what he thinks of them and their personalities...

V. OVERALL

Not bad, not bad at all.

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella.

Sorry that I didn't get on this earlier (Having a math test coming up sorry )

You asked me to help you in "CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT" so here goes:

First. I want to know what the character looks like, not at the end of the short story, in the middle or in the start. And I want to know what his sons look like. When I read I'm supposed to feed my imagination not make it work overtime to imagine what the characters and their surroundings look like.
Tell us what the train looked like, the view from the window like for example:

He looked outside from the window, and saw the war torn dunes. This had once been a beautiful place, but now only death and emptiness occupied it.

Not the best example but better than nothing.´Describe it to us. And remember! Show don't tell.

Instead of using "he" and "the man" etc. Give your characters names. If you don't know Palestinian names, well you have the Internet.


NIT-PICK

He approached this with trepidation as slumber only brought back memories, in the form of dreams, of the night in which had forced him to depart the town where he had been born and became a father himself;

“The boy is Jewish, He came from Israel”.

So where was he from? Israel or Palestine?

This fear had caused the look in his eyes to show a world of hurt and suffering that there had once been no escape;

Wah?
From this part I would think that the fear had made him see things. Just read it a few times and you'll know what I mean.

He felt the air run through his matted hair, ordinary and unwashed.

Ordinary hair? For a Palestinian? Israeli? How is unwashed hair Ordinary. Get another Adjective.

As he returned to his original resting place, his thoughts drifted towards his wife. He struggled to hide his emotions; he was on the brink of tears, when a voice came from the older boy. He asked the one question he was dreading,
‘Daddy, where’s Mummy?’

When I read this part my first thought was: "Deux ex machina," but then I thought that no, not Deux Ex Machina but something similar.

I want to read about his pain with more description. I want to cry with him.
I want to read about it earlier not a sentence before his boy asks about the mom.

And hasn't the boy seen death before, so how does he not make the conclusion that their mother is dead? Is the boy really young?

OVERALL

Good piece, I found myself reading it with interest. I normally only do that only with romance and fantasy stories.

good work

Hi, it's Forever. I like this beginning! You've got a very broad vocabulary. Here's the review:

The clothes he wore were, naturally, ragged and putrid with the remains of the country he had just become a fugitive from. His shoes were worn and had been bought from a flea market in the town he once resided in. He was tired, but he never allowed himself to break into the world of rest.

• So, first, I like the beginning strategy of introducing the character and such. Nice.
• I did find a few flow issues. The first bold grouping of words should be like that as it sounds smoother and it is overall said like that more often. Writing things the way people are comfortable with saying them gives a sense of security to the reader. I'm totally up to trying new things, trust me, but when it comes with little groupings of words, one little alteration can affect the entire sentence readability.
• Second bolded grouping, cut off that sentence. It's run too long and with a long phrase such as that one, readers can get confused easier. Also, you mentioned clothes in the first sentence, but you only mentions shoes when you describe them. Go into more detail while describing his attire.
• Next, before that grouping sounded cut off somewhat.

--

Well, the opening paragraph's all I care to stress, as that's the paragraph that leaves the most impression on the reader. I liked this beginning. But,, regardless that this is the opening part, you still need more character build. I want to know what the man was thinking, add more to what he's feeling. Why was he dreading that last question... etc.

Also, you've explained a lot and wrapped everything up in the end, not leaving any space for a hook that keeps us reading. You've summarized everything in this one paragraph. Leave somethings to tell later to keep us waiting and sweating with anticipation if you know what I mean.

Well that's it. I went on a trip and wasn't able to be on that much, explaining the lateness. That's it. So, yeah. Overall, good writing. Just keep in mind what I've said.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hey, I’m sorry this took me so long to get around to reading. I had stopped checking my “Will Review” thread because I hadn’t gotten any response to it in such a long time.

But I couldn’t find any real problems that hadn’t already been pointed out. It’s a well constructed piece, especially for a first. The characterization is well presented and it’s consistent.

Also, I wanted to mention the excessive comma usage. For the most parts, the use of them was well done, but there were some that simply added unneeded pause. Go in, and read it, pausing where there are commas. If the pause seems unneeded, then get rid of the comma.

The only part I really didn’t like was just how similar his sons are. They seem to be almost the same boy. We need to know more about them in order to sympathize with not only their father but the boys as well.

Anyways, it was good.



~lilymoore

Hiya!

Israel: It seems a bit contradictory that he's going to Israel, considering the political situation there at the moment.

Ideas: I'd like some more solidity on the ideas he has about his current choices, and his faith. Right now the middle of this work is a bit hard to understand without the mention of those ideas.

Structure: The ending here, with everything else about people getting shot, is enough to chill. The vagueness of killings at the beginning, combined with the mention of his wife is perfect. You might not say it strait out, but it's clear what happened to her.

Backhistory: I'd like a bit more backhistory on the MC. Where did he go to school? What injustices did he have to face? It would add more power to this already amazing short story.

Overall: I loved this work! How well you executed the flow, structure and sensitivity of the issue made it a powerful read. The only change I'd see to make is adding in more backhistory on the MC. Other than that, very well done!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey