Young Writers Society

Grandfather's Bicycles

My grandfather lived in a typical suburban settlement just outside of Town. Only the main roads were paved, and few cars frequented those roads. Dirt roads were more common, and each of them was surrounded with colorful flowers in the summer, and oak leaves in the autumn and the winter. He worked, like most people in the suburbs did, in town. And like many others living in surrounding suburbs, he owned a shop. His sold bicycles.

He would ride out, every morning, over the mountainous terrain, through valley roads, and then through the more congested city streets to get to work. Bicycles were his passion, and he owned a fair few of them. Maybe three. Possibly four.

On his way home from work, Grandfather would stop every afternoon to say prayers in the synagogue. He was by no means a religious Jew, but he felt a sense of responsibility to the small community, and he would go pray together with them, ensuring that they had the ten men necessary for the prayer service to take place. In his cycling gear, he would enter the synagogue, and pray, parking his bicycle in the synagogue's foyer.

The Rabbi of the synagogue had several children. One of them, at that time a small boy of eleven or possibly twelve years, was fascinated by the different bicycles that Grandfather would arrive on. Daniel would question him about the frames, gears and chain sets of the bicycles. It was the same for every bicycle that Grandfather brought.

Time passed, and Daniel grew older. It was the week of his Bar-Mitzvah. His thirteenth birthday and the time of his life when Judaism would regard him as an adult. As usual, my grandfather came to prayers in his cycling gear. And as usual, after the prayer service, Daniel went outside to see what bicycle my grandfather had arrived at the synagogue on.

Lo and behold, the bicycle was one he had never seen before. My grandfather watched as he admired it.
“Do you like it?” grandfather asked suddenly.
“It's beautiful,” Daniel said.
“Well, it's yours.”


Years went by. Daniel grew up, and left his father, and his mother who, after being involved in a car crash, had suffered a paralysis. He flew from the Southernmost tip of Africa to the United States of America. It was in the United States of America that Daniel found his wife. He arranged for his mother to come to the United States to witness her son's wedding.

Despite her paralysis, Daniel's mother agreed to speak at the wedding:
“Daniel, this is the happiest I've seen you since that day, ten years ago...” She then proceeded to tell the story of Grandfather's bicycles.

Hey yrclever =]

This was a really sweet story and it was an enjoyable read

I don't have many nit-piks at all;

He worked, like most people in the suburbs did, in town. - You capitalized 'town' in the first sentence, so I don't know if it should be capitalized here too.

He would ride out, every morning - I don't think you need the comma here.

he would enter the synagogue, and pray - I don't think you need the comma here, either.

“It's beautiful,” Daniel said. - Maybe you could describe Daniel's facial expression here. You don't need much description as it is such a short piece, but a little imagery will help add to the moment.

“Well, it's yours.”
Years went by. - The transition between these two sentences is a bit sharp. You don't want to add too much in as you don't want to make the story unnecessarily long, but maybe add in a little on how Daniel had thanked your Grandfather.

“Daniel, this is the happiest I've seen you since that day, ten years ago...” She then proceeded to tell the story of Grandfather's bicycles. - This bit made me smile

Overall;

It was a sweet story and was well written.

Good job!

xDudettex

Hey, Clever. Sorry it took me a little while. I was distracted. I'll do this for you before I have to go.

To start, the niceties: I like it. It's a nice little piece, not too long, and it's enjoyable. You weren't too sentimental. Now, to my nit-picks:

My grandfather lived in a typical suburban settlement just outside of Town.

Unless "Town" is the name of the place, it doesn't need to be capitalised.

Bicycles were his passion, and he owned a fair few of them. Maybe three. Possibly four.

The "Maybe three. Possibly four" part sounds like the pause is too loud. Change it to a comma instead.

Daniel grew up, and left his father, and his mother who, after being involved in a car crash, had suffered a paralysis.

This sentence is a bit run-on. Also, it's almost as if you're implying that he left her because she suffered the paralysis. Try cutting it into two sentences.

She then proceeded to tell the story of Grandfather's bicycles.

The word "then" is a pet peeve of mine. It's almost always unnecessary, because as long as you have a linear plot, the render should know that one thing follows another. Take it out and see what you think. It'll flow better without it.

Well, that's all I could find. You've done a really good job. You managed to convey the emotions well, and even in short pieces, I usually find quite a few things to critique. The only thing I can think o, upon consideration, is that the narrator seems almost like an afterthought. We never get any sense of him or her as a person. It would do just as well in third person. Maybe even better, I think.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Nice job.

-Mat

Hiya! Here as requested!

So, before I start let me say I noticed some stuff with your commas here. You use one every time "and" shows up. I would read this out-loud to see if a pause in front of each "and" is really needed. Delete the commas that aren't. ^_^

It was the same for every bicycle that Grandfather brought.

I think the "it" here is a bit too general. I'd rework the beginning of this sentence so the bicycle is mentioned, somehow.

Lo and behold, the bicycle was one he had never seen before. My grandfather watched as he admired it.
“Do you like it?” grandfather asked suddenly.
“It's beautiful,” Daniel said.
“Well, it's yours.”

~ This is such a touching scene, but I'd like a little more mention of what Daniel said or did after he found out the bicycle was his.

~ "Grandfather" should be capitalized here.

Those are my nit-picks that haven't been pointed out.

Hmm, it seems to be impossible to divide this review up into character, description and so forth, since for the style it works wonderfully well.

I would add a bit more mention at the beginning of how much your Grandfather went through to get to work. Mention rain (snow, possibly?), sun, winds, just a bit more so we get emphasis on how long a bike ride it was.

Like I said in my nit-picks, I'd like to see more of Daniel's reaction to the bicycle. It would make the ending a bit more touching. Even though that ending is pretty touching on it's own.

And just to repeat the comma thing again. Watch out for that.

Overall this was a very sweet story. I just love it and don't see that many things wrong. Nice work!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

Hello there.
As I have said before, I will take a gander at your work. Be prepared get random mutterings from me that might not make sense. They make perfect sense in my world. ;D

I. NIT-PICKING

My grandfather lived in a typical suburban settlement just outside of Town.

I don't think 'town' needs to be capitalized here, unless it is actually named 'Town', but I think that is a little far-fetched for real life. But I wouldn't be surprised if there is a town called 'Town'. People these days are getting less and less creative. xD

he owned a shop. His sold bicycles.

Ahem. Something bugs me about this. When I first read it, I thought 'His' should have been 'He'. But then I realized that the period was supposed to be extremely distinguished. But I don't really like that. I would say you should change it to something like this;

'he owned a shop, and his just so happened to sell bicycles.' Or something like that.. Don't mind my examples, they are always horrible. ;D

He would ride out, every morning, over the mountainous terrain, through valley roads, and then through the more congested city streets to get to work.

So I am guessing he rides a bicycle. But when you say just 'ride' people automatically think what, maybe a horse, a bicycle, a car, a taxi? You should state that in there somewhere. The reason bicycle never came to my mind right away was because I don't see many old guys riding bicycles in my area. They all seem to like jogging for some unexplainable reason...

Bicycles were his passion, and he owned a fair few of them. Maybe three. Possibly four.

Follow Insomnia's advice for this one.

In his cycling gear, he would enter the synagogue, and pray, parking his bicycle in the synagogue's foyer.

Eh. All I know is that my church would never allow bicycles in the foyer. More over they would be placed outside. My church is picky.

Daniel would question him about the frames, gears and chain sets of the bicycles.

I believe you introduced the little boy's name to late. I think when you said, 'One of them' you should add 'named Daniel,' It would make it easier on the reader to understand.

It was the same for every bicycle that Grandfather brought.

You do not really need this line, or you could possibly adapt it. Before you said that the boy was facinated with all the bicycles the Grandfather brought and then stated the questions asked. You do not need that because the readers can automatically assume that it was the same for every bike.

Lo and behold

I always thought it was low and behold...?

Years went by. Daniel grew up, and left his father, and his mother who, after being involved in a car crash, had suffered a paralysis.

This is extremely run on and includes many unnecessary details, but you can adjust it if you are adamant on keeping all of them.
For Example;
'As years went by, Daniel grew her left his parents. Earlier his mother had been invovled in a car crash, and suffered a paralysis'.

Also, 'suffered a paralysis'. I believe you should add more detail for it doesn't make much sense that way.
For Example;
"and suffered from severe parlyzation' or 'and suffered parilyzation from the neck down'. Anything on those lines.

Southernmost

Capitalization is not needed.

It was in the United States of America that Daniel found his wife.

You can add a bit more detail.
Like you could possible say that 'It was in the United States of America that Daniel fell in love and made her his wife.'

See how that works?

“Daniel, this is the happiest I've seen you since that day, ten years ago...” She then proceeded to tell the story of Grandfather's bicycles.

That is a satifying ending.

II. GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION

I believe you did fairly well in this. I believe that you did have some unneeded commas, but just listen to Rosey's advice for that one. I also noticed you added a couple of capitals that were not needed. You have to remember that you do not need to capitalize the name of a place unless it is a proper noun. Africa is a proper now. Southernmost is not. Get it?

III. WRITING STYLE

You writing is very simplistic and easy to read making it easy for all ages. I noticed you had some great vocabulary. the only this I might want to warn you about is that you seem to become almost redundant with your wording at points. I was getting annoyed at the beginning when you were using Suburbs so often. I am not quite sure if you could find another word for that, but I was just warning you.

I also believe if you want, you can add a little more of description into it. Paint the pictures in the readers mind. Make it seem seemless and marvelous.

You have correct format with writing. Not many people have wrong. But what I want to warn you about here is Show Don't Tell. Near the end you told a lot of information about Daniel. Try to make it more descriptive. Maybe even add a part where he met the girl and at the wedding. Try to make it more entertaining for the reader and easier for them to make connections.

I also think you should add more description into the setting. I had no idea that they were in Africa until the end of the story.

IV. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I would have liked you to add more description of the characters. I didn't know any of their appearance or at all what anyone actually acted like. Make them unique for not all people are different. Dialogue will also help you with establishing personalities. You only had a small amount. I also think you should add more background into Daniel. We didn't really know much about him. I understand if you were trying to go for one of those vague stories, that story tellers tell, but I am big on detail I love having lots of detail.

V. OVERALL

This was a very touching story. I think you could add more about Daniels reaction after the touching scene and that might also help with your Character Development. Overall, I liked you story. I have never heard anything like it. I was surprised when I read it because I certainly never expected to be what it was.

This was a very nice story, and I think you have amazing potential. Good Job and keep writing.

~Incognito