Young Writers Society

I’ll never forget you
And I’ll never forgive you.
For love can last a moment
And hate can last Forever.

She held the sweatshirt in her hands, completely awestruck by how powerful it was. It had seen plenty of wear and tear before it had fallen into her possession, which was visible by the eroding cuffs, half a dozen holes, and a multitude of unidentifiable stains. In her eyes, it was a symbol of love. But in his hands, it had become a weapon of hate, almost as if he had been telling her, “Dress yourself. I can’t bear to look at you naked.”
And still she cradled it in her hands and ran her fingers over the rough red fabric. It was far too big for her to wear; her hands barely peeked out of the sleeves and it draped down almost to her knees.
Just as well, she had thrown it on, bundled up the clothes she had lost to his ravaging hands, and disappeared out the door. For a moment, she had hesitated outside, hoping his face would appear in the frame of the cheap, poorly attatched screen door and he would beckon her inside with his big, childish grin.
But he didn’t. He never welcomed her back inside, did not embrace her within his warm form, and did not slide his hands up her thigh, groping at her body the way he had before. No, that was far too much to hope for.
So she had walked the three blocks home, naked accept for his sweatshirt, bright pink underwear, and foam sandles meant for sand and surf rather then bitter Midwestern autumsn.
By the time she had stumbled back through her bedroom window, her hair was a windswept mess, far from the sheet of shiny brown perfection she had brought it to when she had slipped out her small basement exit.
But her body ached for sleep and her mind cried out for a reprieve. Her throat was worn raw from screaming out in a motley mess of mixed sensations and she couldn’t deny that it had been good, had been great.
She had loved the way he had pulled at her clothes, pushing loose the buckle of her belt, fumbling anxiously for the clasp of her bra, and nearly ripping her out of her jeans. His touch was rough and warm, pinching at her skin and prying her loose of inhibition until she had been his willing plaything. Her body cried out for more as it had all night. Every touch had awakened a new awareness in herself. She had been alive. She had felt a whole new form of love.
But there she sat the next morning, cradling his sweatshirt in her hands, wanting him again and again to reach his fingers up her shirt, to grope at her breasts, to nibble at her flesh.
Still, the sweatshirt said everything that needed to be said. He didn’t want her for anything more then rough pleasures. He would never look at her and find her beautiful, even pretty. Her brown eyes were too simple and she was trapped in a state of being neither plain nor unique. She was average.
With shaking hands, she folded the coarse red monster and burried her face into it.
More hurtful then anything was the knowledge that she wouldn’t forget this. Worse still was knowing that someday, he would forget.
And she couldn’t haut the tears.


Lily's Notes: By the way, this is only the begining of a semi-long short story I'm working on in parts. Like a little bit of a novella. Anyway, though there isn't much to this section just yet, there will be more and everything will hopefully tie together quite nicely.

Hello there, lilymoore!

I will be your reviewer today and would like to say I think personally, it would be something I read. I really liked it especially this,

[quote="lilymoore"][i]I’ll never forget you
And I’ll never forgive you.
For love can last a moment
And hate can last Forever.[/i][/quote]

The thing I think it needs, it sounds too cliche and you don't even mention either character's names. So it sounds like a poem. There seems to be no point really, not that it's not a good story. I do hope you continue this and I'll review anytime.

much love and keep writing.
-Max

Hey, Lily. You wanted the faster one, and so here it is.

It's an interesting piece, and I want to read more. I haven't gotten too much of an impression yet, though. It's a prologue, so obviously it can't be too long, as it needs to be more of an introduction. I won't ask you to expand on it, because I know you'll do the next chapters really well. I've got a few nit-picks, though:

completely awestruck by how simple and yet how powerful it was.

I understand your use of adverb here, but it's still a bit unnecessary. Even on its own, "awestruck" is a powerful word. It renders the adverb redundant.

But in here eyes

"here" should be "her".

But in here eyes, it was a symbol of love. And in his hands, it had become a weapon of hate,

This is a really good contrast. To put more emphasis on it, though, you could cut "But" from the beginning of the first sentence and start it with the "in". Then put the "But" at the start of the sentence about him. It'd really give a lot more power to this contrast, but that's just a suggestion.

Just as well, she had thrown it on over herself, bundled up the clothes she hadlost

"hadlost" needs a space. Also, it would sound better as just "thrown it on herself...", I think.

and did not slide his hands up her thigh and reach for an ass cheek.

Up until now, the piece seemed rather formal, so "ass cheek" kind of completely changed the tone. It sounds a lot more informal now, so if you want it to be the former, change that to something else.

far from the sheet of shiny brown perfection she had brought it too

"too" should be "to".

Her throatwas worn raw

Space needed.

pushing loose the buckle of her beld

Belt?

His touch was rough and warm, pinching at her skin and prying her loose of inhibition until she had been his willing plaything.

I like this sentence a lot. It shows the power he had over her and makes the loss seem even bigger. You managed to add depth to your characters in a more subtle way.

With shaking hands, she folded the course red monster and burried her face into it.

"Coarse," I think.

And she couldn’t hault the tears.

"hault" should be "halt".

Overall Impressions

I liked this piece. It had good pacing and flow, which meant it was easy to read through. You made your characters emotions clear to us. Since it's a prologue, it's allowed, but you might want to make sure that your following chapters are a bit less tell-y. I'd love to read more of this sometime soon, so PM me or comment in my thread again when you put another part up.

-Mat

Well, everyone got all of your grammatical errors, but after reading this, I couldn't just skip over it. I loved it. I understand that this is a prologue and it's supposed to be vague, but I think you should metion the character's names. Just a thought.

Anyway, I really liked it and I can't wait to read more. (: I think that it shows promise and I'm a sucker for these type of stories. What I mean by that is, the story shows that life is not always perfect and you don't always get a happily ever after where nothing bad ever happens. Life is not like that and I love a story that shows that, so kudos to you. (: Well, I'm starting to babble. I just wanted to say that I loved your story. Good job!

~Tiger

Hiya!

Spelling mistakes that were missed:

Midwestern autumsn.

"Autumsn" should be "autumns."

[quote]

Time: How much time has passed in this relationship? Some stuff here makes this look like a one-night stand (The clothes, the summery of the lovemaking, the walk home) but other mentions make this look like a long-term relationship ("the way he used to" mentions, her remenissing and the poem at the beginning). Make it a little clearer how long they have been together please.

Emotion:

Hiya!

Spelling mistakes that were missed:

Midwestern autumsn.

"Autumsn" should be "autumns."

And she couldn’t haut the tears.

"Haut" should be "Halt"

Time: How much time has passed in this relationship? Some stuff here makes this look like a one-night stand (The clothes, the summery of the lovemaking, the walk home) but other mentions make this look like a long-term relationship ("the way he used to" mentions, her reminiscing and the poem at the beginning). Make it a little clearer how long they have been together please.

Emotion: So, I was a bit confused by the emotion here. You do a good job with the happy/passionate bits. You show, don't tell, and you have some rather vivid description. But the lonely bits, and the angry bits, I feel don't get as much attention as they could.

Overall: Other then the fact I'm not usually one for romance, I found this a bit to thin emotionally for me to connect with this. I somewhat enjoyed the passion description in here, but I feel the sense of loss could be emphasised more.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey! I'm so sorry about the time it's taken me to get back to you. I hope the review is still helpful to you.

I’ll never forget you
and I’ll never forgive you,
for love can last a moment
and hate can last Forever.

Hmm, it's an interesting idea to begin a story with a poem, and I'm certainly not denoting it, but there could definitely be greater power found in this. I agree that it feels overdone and could certainly approve of a different twist to be spun on this. Firstly, I like how the names aren't mentioned, but at least give an indication as to whose thoughts these are. Throw in a better rhyme scheme, too--a simple collection of lines with an easy flow like that would be most effective. There's no need to add in a deep meaning sentiments, but words like "forever" and "hatred" and "love" and "forgive" are words found in every other random love song. Replace them with a more powerful phrase. I don't mean a thesaurus, though. Put it away. Just phrase it differently. Power is definitely essential at an introduction, and you don't want the overused and clingy words trying to talk about the romance, because it spells out "done!"

Sorry for ranting there. =]

It had seen plenty of wear and tear before it had fallen into her possession, which was visible by the eroding cuffs, half a dozen holes, and a multitude of unidentifiable stains.

All of that in bold is unnecessary--you're telling us that it's been worn down, which is best for when it's unnecessary to describe something or just doesn't matter that much, but it's kept a lot shorter by keeping only the descriptions. By telling us the cuffs are eroded (is that an appropriate word choice?), you already saying that it's frayed and old. Watch out for that--if you say it's something and then give evidence, the evidence alone is usually most appealing.

But in his hands, it had become a weapon of hate, almost as if he had been telling her, “Dress yourself. I can’t bear to look at you naked.”

Wonderful description, but I think that this could be an excellent tool for starting it off. Just after the poem, throw in, "Dress yourself. I can’t bear to look at you naked." It's more powerful. Another reason is that, as I first read this, I thought that she was simply recollecting what had happened, with the old sweatshirt, and so the slow-pacing draws away. Make it faster and a greater surprise.

Just as well, she had thrown it on, bundled up the clothes she had lost to his ravaging hands, and disappeared out the door.

This is a little clunky and strange. We're either missing a semicolon or the clause at the start doesn't fit. I think it's the latter.

Worse still was knowing that someday, he would [s]forget[/s].

The emphasis on "forget" is lost if you repeat it. Breaks the flow a little, eh?

Alright, all the mini rants aside, I thought that this was a fairly decent prologue! The contrasts and imagery were brilliant, and it was simply put. I felt I could communicate. However, a few thoughts to improve it I will try to spout. =]

Firstly, I'm with Rosey in that I just don't know how long this relationship has been going on for. I felt that it was just a random act of sex that she suddenly fell in love, with the "again" thing you had going on refused me to believe it. Make her stance in it believable and create a more emotionally unstable piece. I want to see her sitting in silence fearing things, calling herself ugly, being unable to see herself in the mirror. It's that, as it stands, all I have seen is that she wants him back. But... why? It was just sex, wasn't it? So what else is attaching her? Expand on the prologue a bit more and see what happens.

The title to me seems odd. It doesn't so much draw inform me of the story as show me that there's just a theme of instability permeating the piece--are there any other plot devices that might stand out? Just a thought.

Well, I hope you continue with this! Be careful not to go down the traditional route of girl meets boy, boy leaves girl, girl gets another bpy, boys fight, girl chooses, ends. Throw in your own twist and it could go somewhere!

Best
Blinky

Eek! Lily, so sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm here as requested now! ^^

But her body ached for sleep and her mind cried out for a reprieve.

I don't recommend starting out paragraphs with conjunctions, especially not 'but'. starting a sentence with a conjunction is commom and, in my eyes, completely acceptable, but a whole new paragraph needs to begin on a new, seperate thought. So, either add this to the previous paragraph, or re-word it so that 'but' isn't at the front.

she was trapped in a state of being neither plain nor unique. She was average.

Plain is basically average, so I think that is a bit of poor wordchoice there. Perhaps:

...neither the cookie-cutter beauty nor unique

-or-

...neither the classic pretty face nor unique

Okay, so, I liked this. Really, I thought it was very well-written and the emotions were conveyed well. I could connect to the character somewhat. I say 'somewhat' just because a) it was so short, and b) you've only showed us one side of the character-- the rejection. In a short story, though, I understand that you can only include so much about a character. However, I think you should expand beyond the romance (or lackthereof) soon in the next installments. Favorite color, common phrases/sayings, interaction with classmates, grades. One thing I think is great in stories is when I can get a glimpse of the character's self-esteem levels; that shouldn't be too hard in a romance, yes? ^^ either way, make sure your entire character's personality isn't based around the plotline and romance in the story. She still exists outside of her circumstances, so make sure to include more characteristics thsn just her love affair.

Sorry for the terribly short review, but I'll make it up to you! I have to go! ^^

~Evi

Hmm. I think this is very interesting. Very...so happened to me six months ago.
Anyways. I think you did an amazing job at capturing the right emotions and descriptions needed. I really would like to see where you take this. The only thing i noticed was the last line...haut? i think you meant halt. Other than that i saw no spelling and grammer mistakes.
For a prologue, the vaige and shortness is perfect. Within the next section i would like to know more about her, age, looks, interests. that type of thing. Don't forget about those. heh.
Well, sorry if i could be no use for you. There was nothing really i could see that needed any real fixing. Good job.
Can't wait to see more.

--Jas

I really enoyed this beginning. It was very discriptive and I got a clear mental image of the situation.

I think it might be a swell idea to tell a little more about the situation she got into with the man. Maybe say how she had met him and such.

Other than that I thought the story was very nice and I will definetly be reading more.

I will be back later to review this; but wow! This was actually a great pleasure for me to read because I can relate 100% to this story from past experience a few weeks ago with an older boy in my neighborhood who only wanted me for that and it was like I was trapped. I never let him use me because if he did, I always found a way to use him back. Then it was like he didn't like talking to me, but only when he needed me. So, this reached home and now I'm very excited to read what you have put together. Good job!

I thought it was done rather tastefully. I'm rather interested to find out what happens next. This prologue shows how love can go wrong or how a guy might only want you to get inside you. Your word choice was excellent.

i love how its really simple but effective! its a great opener and i want to read more!!
i liked the first four statements, it sets the scene perfectly:

I’ll never forget you

And I’ll never forgive you.

For love can last a moment

And hate can last Forever.

brilliant, good luck with the rest!

Hello! I'm using this to avoid doing homework. Haha. Anyway...

sandles meant for sand and surf rather then bitter Midwestern autumsn

I'm assuming you meant autumn and sandals.

Her throat was worn raw from screaming out in a motley mess of mixed sensations and she couldn’t deny that it had been good, had been great.

This sentence sounds long and a little awkward. I would separate it so it says "...mixed sensations. She couldn't deny..." or you could make it "...mixed sensations that she couldn't deny had been good..."

His touch was rough and warm, pinching at her skin and prying her loose of inhibition until she had been his willing plaything.

This sentence was perfect because it doesn't romanticize it, but it shows how he made her feel.

With shaking hands, she folded the coarse red monster and burried her face into it.

This is great too.

Worse still was knowing that someday, he would forget.

I think the comma should go after "still" and not after "someday"

And she couldn’t haut the tears.

I'm not really sure what word that's supposed to be, but I think that's a typo.


Overall:
I loved this. It was worded very nicely, and as a prologue it makes me very curious about what might happen next. There were a few mistakes, but it was really awesome. Be careful that you develope the main character, though, because right now we don't really know that much about her, and even though she thinks of herself as average we still don't want a Marysue. I'm interested to read on, though.

Hello Lilymoore. I will be your reviewer today so hopefully I am of some help to you

I’ll never forget you

And I’ll never forgive you.

For love can last a moment

And hate can last Forever.

Ooo, I love this beginning. Lots of foreshadowing and such. Very good :]

More hurtful then anything was the knowledge that she wouldn’t forget this. Worse still was knowing that someday, he would forget.

And wow, an even better ending! I applaude you for both!

And she couldn’t haut the tears.

What do you mean by "haut" here? Do you mean "hate" or "haunt" or "stop"? I'm not sure. I would fix that.

Otherwise, this was a wonderful piece! I liked how real it was, how you didn't hide this girl behind a rose-colored glass. You just came out and gave her to us for what she was and what she felt. I'm trying to do that in my own writing now... but must I say, you are succeeding well beyond what I have done

Continue with this and let me know when you post the next piece ^_^