Young Writers Society

Hi! *waves at computer screen* This is my first time on NaPo, so I'm kindda late. Like, really, really late, but I'm still trying. So here goes today's poem! I'm really sorry it turned out so awful. It has no rhyming scheme or stanza scheme. Can I still post it on the Lyric Poetry forum? I'm new at this, so I don't really know... Anyway, here's the first disaster!

April's 12

Dreams on a spring breeze
by Kat

The spring breeze shook safely
the branches of the broken tree.
Underneath it, a sigh was heard,
as the girl cried. Her dreams
were taken away, and she
couldn't protest or say a word.

Can you say no to your beloved?
She lost her dreams for him.
They where shut away, shoved,
They were forgot and lost.

She had big dreams, things to
achieve, something to believe in.
Her future was laid out for her, until
she met him, and it all blew away,
like the spring breeze.

Hiya! Here as requested!

The spring breeze shook safely
the branches of the broken tree.

~ Why would the branches shake safely?

~ I liked the tree metaphor here, but I think it could be expanded upon in the future stanzas. Have the tree more solidly represent her dreams, that sort of thing.

Can you say no to your beloved?

I would love, love, love to see this expanded. The theme here is so strong, but you don't really elaborate.

Theme and metaphor: I liked it, but the individual representations of that dream could be emphasised a bit more. I mentioned the tree, but I think the wind could also have been more strongly tied in as well. Have the boy more like a sweeping wind, clearing away her dreams.

Overall: I feel you could expand this a bit, as well as tie in more metaphor. You have the roots of good metaphor here, as well as good imagery, but it's not all there. I do realize this is NaPo and you just have to crank them out, but for editing purposes, keep that in mind. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Thank you Rosey!

Guys, I'm so, but so, sorry about this one! The creativity just flew me by, so. Please tear it to shreds, though.
Here's the second disaster (most likely to be consider as torture)!
Oh, and this is free verse. My first free verse English poem, I think. I love my rhymes

April's 13

Save your soul
by Kat

Boy, don't listen to your heart.
Boy, turn around, please,
turn around, and save yourself.
Save your soul; don't get broken,
you shouldn't love me so.
Don't' waste your life, boy.

So, don't call me baby, call me
by my name, and save yourself.
Before it's too late, before you're
too far gone. Before you're too
deeply in love, as me.

Boy, my feelings don't matter,
as my darkness won't go away.
I beg you, don't waste your days.
Love, turn around, please,
and save your soul. For me.

No comments... *sigh*
This one is lame too. I'm so not inspired at the moment. I think I'm sad. My best friend just forgot me, so. Anyway, sorry about that. This is just a three line verse (I don't know the technical name in English).
Here's Kat's third disaster (the above are so bad that no one will review!).

Fly away
by Kat

Fly away, love! Like that leaf,
on that soft summer breeze.
Fly over the waters of the seas!

Hey Kat. So, here's your review. I'm not sure which poem you want me to do. But I'll do this one, and the below one because Rosey already covered the first one.

So, don't call me baby, call me
by my name, and save yourself.
Before it's too late, before you're
too far gone. Before you're too
deeply in love, as me.

• The last line: "as me?" Should it be "with" me?

Boy, my feelings don't matter,
as my darkness won't go away.
I beg you, don't waste your days.
Love, turn around, please,
and save your soul. For me.

• So you begin with the subject being the boy. Then you randomly begin talking about love, though it seems like it should remain boy. Like instead of "Love" it should be "Boy" again. With that random subject thrown in, the poem seems a bit choppy. You could say "Turn around your love, please." That way it would still rhyme and it would prevent the poem from sounding choppy.

That's about all. I thought this was a nice poem. It kept a good rhyme scheme and all. Good job.


PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 2:50 pm Post subject:
No comments... *sigh*
This one is lame too. I'm so not inspired at the moment. I think I'm sad. My best friend just forgot me, so. Anyway, sorry about that. This is just a three line verse (I don't know the technical name in English).
Here's Kat's third disaster (the above are so bad that no one will review!).

Fly away, love! Like that leaf,
on that soft summer breeze.
Fly over the waters of the seas!

This 3 lined poem is fine rhythmically and such, but really, it's begging for more. Just these lines doesn't give us enough background info to really empathize with the poem and feel anything. Right now, it seems a bit lacking. I'd like to see more. Otherwise, nice beginning, good.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Thanks Threnody!
Forth disaster, comin' right out!

April's 15

My choice
by Kat

See my pain,
break me again.
Leave my heart
out in the pouring rain.

Release your darkness,
release it on me.
Give me more pain;
as I can never be free.

Don't stop, don't feel pity;
I did this to myself.
For my choice was to
put my life on a shelf,
and kneel before you.

Heya Kat!

(Bold are corrections)

See my pain,
break me again;
leave my heart
out in the pouring rain.

Release your darkness,
release it on me.
Give me more pain;
as I can never be free.

Don't stop, don't feel pity;
I did this to myself.
For my choice was to
put my life on a shelf,
and kneel before you.

This was not a disaster! You shouldn't doubt yourself, because I thought this was quite good. The flow was excellently concocted (as weird as that sounds) and has a solid rhythm. At first, I didn't like your ending, but I think that by standing out from the rest of the poem is good because it's an important line. You could probably build more suspense to what you reveal, but that's up to you.

The emotions in this are very honest and personal, but are balanced out by your last line. You might even be able to get away with adding another line about your emotions, because I think it would add to your writing.

Like I said, this was a good poem. I'll be looking forward to seeing others.

Hello! I'm here, as requested. Sorry if I'm a little late, hehe

The spring breeze shook safely
the branches of the broken tree.
Underneath it, a sigh was heard,
as the girl cried. Her dreams
were taken away, and she
couldn't protest or say a word.

Hmm... to me, the line breaks are a little questionable. I think it interrupts the flow a little, but! I like it. I mostly would want you to change this sentence;

as the girl cried. Her dreams

I would replace the period with a semi- colon.

She lost her dreams for him.
They where shut away, shoved,
They were forgot and lost.

Relax, this is free- write! I think you can ease up on the punctuation. In the beginning line, I think the period is not needed. Also, the last two lines start in almost the same way. They and they. I would change that, along with this;

They where shut away, shoved,

You used the incorrect word!, dear! I know they sound the same, but make sure you proofread, proofread, proofread! Who's you best friend? Correct grammar. Hehe, yes I am weird, thank you...

I read all of your other poems... they are awesome! I couldn't find anything wrong with them that the other users haven't already pointed out so... I think I'm done!

I hope this helped and I hope you keep on going with NaPo!

Hi *writewatiwant*

Here’s your review, as requested

Poem #1: Dreams on a Spring Breeze

I really like this one. There are a couple of places where the rhyme feels forced – “safely” and “shoved” are incomplete thoughts, or don’t make sense in context, so you might want to think about changing them. “Where” in the second stanza should be “were.” Overall it’s got a nice flow and I love the way you repeat spring breeze in the last line.

Poem #2: Save Your Soul

This one has potential, but the punctuation throws me off. It’s too dense, and a bit repetitive. The concept is very interesting, and there’s a good hook at the beginning, but the flow is a bit rough. Try to work on putting a few more full stops in rather than commas, and maybe experiment a little. Otherwise, I think this should really be explored a bit more; at this point, verses two and three seem to repeat the same information as the first verse in different ways and don’t really add anything.

Poem #3: Fly Away

Short and sweet. I’m not sure if I want this to be continued or not, but I think it works just fine as it is. All that I really have to say about this is that you should have a full stop rather than an exclamation mark on the last line, as it makes it seem a little amateurish. But then, I’m prejudiced against the exclamation mark in poetry XD

Poem #4: My Choice

Meh. This was a little cliché/emo, to be honest, although your rhyming was good – it didn’t feel forced at all. It has a nice flow, but not one of my favourites.

Looking forward to seeing more of your work. Hope you enjoy the rest of NaPo

Cheers,
~bubbles

Thanks guys! God, I'm three days behind!

April's 16

Chess game
By Kat

Who could remotely guess!
That I would be your opponent,
on this match of chess.

That you would play me,
and that I would be so blind,
to your moves, not see.

You sacrificed your queen,
for the best of the game.
We're trapped in between.

Could I survive and win?
I'm sure you'll overpower me.
I just don't know when.

I'm sure you'll obtain victory;
you'll sacrifice everyone until you do.
I don't want to play anymore,
Love, the winner is you.

April's 17

Over you
By Kat

The night welcomed me,
as childhood friends.
Embraced me in her darkness,
and previous hurt amends.

The stars, too, smiled to me.
I smiled back, knowing it was
just my mind,
playing tricks,
due to the lack of time.

I smile; I can smile, now.
I bet you're shocked.
Yup, I'm free.
From the last chain,
from my pain;
I'm over you.

*Argh! My poems either come out cheesy or short. God!*

April's 18

Sleep tight
By Kat

Sleep tight, little baby.
You're tired, now.
Dream, little sister,
I'll be here tomorrow.

Hey Kat, here as requested!

Okay, I'm not going to give you a full critique on each poem, but I will give you my thoughts on them...


Dreams on a Spring Breeze: First of all, the use of the word "safely" isn't quite right in the first line- but English isn't your first language, I don't think, so it's a rare slip-up, perhaps gently or something would work better. Also, you say "where" instead of "were" in your second stanza...

It's a pretty little poem, but I'm not too sure I like the introduction of "a sigh was heard", perhaps "catching the sigh of the girl below?" or something of the sort. But overall, as I say, it's pretty.

Poem Two: It's... strangely sappy, although the subject matter means that it can't be sappy, so they sort of cancel each other out. I'd like to know a bit more about the person telling the poem- are they in love with this boy, and if so, why do they not want him to love them? Are they a Cullen-esque vampire, are they too self-sacrificing for their own good, or is there actually a valid reason? It could use a bit more meat to deal with that issue... it is cheesy, but I think you realise that and to be honest, with the content there isn't much you can do to stop it being cheesy and hey! Whoever said cheese was bad anyway?

Fly Away: is very short. I'm not sure what you're trying to say with it. However, the imagery is nice- it's just a bit, uh, redundant as it deals with, well, nothing. Still pretty though

My Choice: I actually loved this one. I have very little to comment on. It doesn't really end very well, but I like it like that. Definitely my favourite so far, it was really good. The "darkness" thing could do with some improvement though, I wasn't too fond of that. Don't be quite so emo about it. But overall, *love*

Chess Game: You're getting better! This one was good too. I'm also a fan of the out-of-place exclamation mark in the first line. It's a good idea, and a nice extended metaphor. The queen comment is the one I'm a bit shaky on, I can't see what it represents... Personally, I would put your last line in a stanza by itself so that the first three were three lines each, but it's up to you...

Over You: Okay, second line, change that to "a childhood friend", it'll make more sense, and change "from my pain" to "of my pain." Personally, I found this one quite clichéed and not my favourite, that said, your imagery is nice, the rhythm's not bad... I wasn't a fan of "due to lack of time" though, it's a bit random and annoying.

Sleep tight: A pretty little lullaby, punctuation wise, no comma before "now"- in fact, I didn't like that line. But the last two are definitely good.

Overall, dear, it's not a disaster at all! Some tweaking will do it, it'll be great!

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella x

*Thanks Stella! Oh God, I'm so late!*

April's 19

Love me not
by Kat

Believe me not,
don't make his mistake.
I killed his heart,
do you want your to break?

Take me not,
for granted or for good.
I killed his senses,
Oh, I wonder how I could!

Oh dear, love me not!
Take me not, believe me not!
Don't be mistaken, please,
Love, don't get lost.

April's 20

To leave
by Kat

She cried bloody tears,
coming from her heart.
She's ready, she desires,
to be free, to depart.

She's desperate for it; even
if unsure if her fate
is the heavenly light.
She can no longer wait.

She caries the most
hurtful, unique pain;
She's bound to her
memories, as if to a chain.

For thy, she wished to leave,
her deceived world, her grieve.

April's 22

Smile
by Kat

Smile, daddy.
It's a happy day.

I gave you a present,
and you smiled for a second.

Oh, daddy, smile!
it's your day.

Daddy, don't worry;
you'll find a way.

Laugh, daddy, laugh.
It is your birthday.

April's 23

Save me
by Kat

Oh love, forget it.
Forget it all.
Oh love, hold me,
before I fall.

Help me! Save me,
from breaking.
I'm not alright,
I'm just faking.

Just let go,
of the past,
yours and mine.
Make this love last.

April's 24

Express myself
by Kat

As I burn another page,
as I write more words,
I let go of all rage.

I let go of any sadness,
as my pen's ink dry,
I let go of any madness.

If I could twist and shape,
these words so natural,
I would be able to escape.

Escape my addition,
of writing, of expressing
myself, my disposition.

April's 25

Freedom
by Kat

Dear beloveds,
we're gathered here today,
to save ourselves and our children!
We shall not let them,
fall to this evil that on us
comes upon!

We shall let them be free.
Our innocence, our hopes,
shall rely on them.
We're gathered here to fight!
Through the day and night,
we shall only stop when dead,
and even when so happens,
we shall come back as damn ghosts
and haunt those who refused
us our deserved freedom!