Young Writers Society

I was sitting on the operating table, which was, let’s face it: black. Everything was black in the room, and I think I had found out why.
“So, you like gothic… things?” my voice came out steadier than I had thought that it would, considering that I was sitting in a room with one of the most feared of mythical creatures of all times.
Vasile had got rid of his dark doctor’s jacket, and had changed it to a fairly businesslike black, leather jacket. He gave me a levelled look, but the small smiled that never seemed to leave his face, did not leave.
“I call it stereotyping to say that. Not all of my kin like gothic… things,” he answered. “Although I might have a gothic museum in one of my other houses,” he said under his breath.
I stared at him for a second, “How many houses do you have?”
His face went blank for a moment as if he were doing some very hard calculations.
“One thousand and three thirds of a quarter divided by two.” He said after a minute of what would seem to be “intensive mathematical calculating,” as Vasile had explained it to me afterwards.
“Three thirds of a quarter divided by two?” I asked bewildered. That was probably the oddest mathematical equation I had ever heard… If not taken to account when Mike had told me in a very throughout way the gnomic calculation of “how many pickles can trot upon three thirds of a cheese, that is balancing on a needle made out of earwax.” I shivered at the memory. It had taken three hours for mike to conclude that the answer was in fact “syntax error times two raise to the power of two divided by two over X, which in turn meant that the answer would inevitably be 0 unless it was raining where as the answer would be 2, 8971 and even that much only if the pickles trotted with the speed of three nanometres per hour; in the end though, all of this was insufficient since pickles can’t trot, on account of they have no feet.

“Yes, three thirds of a quarter divided by two… Have you ever seen a house of a small blue gnome?” Vasile snapped me out of my thoughts.
“No, no I haven’t.”
“Then it is Three thirds of a quarter divided by two,” Vasile smiled at me warmly.
Melody stirred on her chair irritated “Have you two totally forgotten that I’m here?” she asked, her voice cold.
Vasile’s head turned to her with a fatherly smile, “I would never forget you,” he said. “A woman of your… Likeness could never be forgotten,” he lifted his eyebrow at her and asked: “Have you thought about my offer?”
“The answer is still no,” she turned at me “And we need to go.”
I saw the command in her eyes. She wanted to leave “Um, yes. We have to go now. We’re looking for Mike, one of my friends.”
Vasile suddenly glared at me “Mike Polar?”
“Um, yes.”
I heard Melody slap her hand on her face in frustration.
“He owes me some money. You two wouldn’t mind if I came with you,” He asked
Melody groaned but didn’t say anything.
“N-no,” I staggered.
Vasile clapped his hands together in an overly cheery way and said, “Then we should get going,”

He led us through one of the doors. On the other side we found a gothic style spiral staircase, the room looked like a tower in a gothic castle, lit by torches, the centuries old spider webs gave the room an even more eerie feel.
When we finally got to the end of the staircase we were met by a trap door on the ceiling.
I opened it and at the same time two things happened: I felt the moist and lush air hit my face with exotic splendour and at the same time I caught myself looking up at a young elf woman’s personal area. I felt blood rush to my cheeks and turned my head back down.
“Vasile where exactly are we?”
Vasile grinned widely “Oh I forgot to tell you? Welcome to loose stocking.”
My eyes widened, and I blushed.
“We’re in a pleasure house?!”
Vasile drew his head back in a laugh; I could see his teeth gleam in the torch light. Melody gave him a distasteful glare.

Almighty Evi here, at your service! XD thanks for using my thread again. *loves getting business* Now, as I said last time, my reviewing capabilities will be slightly hindered due to the fact that I haven't read the entire story thus far. However! I will still try to the best of my ability.

I was sitting on the operating table, which was, let’s face it: black.

Love this. really, it made me giggle. Don't really know why, but still. ^^

considering that I was sitting in a room with one of the most feared of mythical creatures of all times.

Maybe you think the frankness of this should be funny, but reading it makes it almost cheesy, you know? I just don't link how blatently you've slipped in the part I bolded. It doesn't seem natural. And yes, I know that mythical creatures aren't natural anyway, but still. It's forced.

He gave me a levelled look, but the small smiled that never seemed to leave his face, did not leave.

Doesn't make sense, one, and is repetitive, two. ^^ How about rephrasing it as:

He gave me an even look, but the small smile that he always managed to maintain didn't waver.

It changes up the words enough so that the reader's tongue doesn't trip over the phrase.

That was probably the oddest mathematical equation I had ever heard… If not taken to account when Mike had told me in a very throughout...

Alright. I absolutely adored the part about gnomic calculations, especially the end of that paragraph. The part about it 'being insufficient' was epic. However, I think this like here that I quoted is a bit...unnecessary? Yes, we realise that it's odd. Your character doesn't need to say that. The very fact that he repeated Vasile's words incredulously is enough to hint us to the fact that he thinks it's odd. Do you see where I'm coming from?

...

Those 'dot dot dot' things are called ellipses, by the way, though I;m sure you knew that already. ^^ Anyway, I think you're using them too much. The only time it's really, truly appropriate is when a character trails of in dialogue. Otherwise, it seems forced and out of place. Also, you don't capitalize the word after the ellipses, since it's techinically the same sentence. Ya?

Overall

I thought this was nice, with some very funny parts that were quite enjoyable. However, I do think that --perhaps-- you might want to slow down the pace a bit, overall. Take some time to describe the setting, Delve deeper into your character's thoughts and emotions. There's nothing really /wrong/ with the pace you've got established now, but I think it's just the bare essentials of what you could be doing. In other words? ^^ Beef it up a bit.

~Evi

Sorry it's taken me so long. I wrote a nice review for you, but I accidently deleted it. So, that's why its taken me extra long to get this to you. I might as well give you a virtual pile of books to throw at me or something. Anyways, onto the review.

Lord Anzius wrote:I was sitting on the operating table, which was, let’s face it: black. Everything was black in the room, and I think I had found out why.

I found this a tad bit repetitive. I know, it's only the first sentence of this part, but Chapter 8 part 1 constantly noted on how things were black. The main part that is repetitive is bolded. Maybe you could rephrase it or just take it out.

Lord Anzius wrote:“So, you like gothic… things?” my voice came out steadier than I had thought that it would, considering that I was sitting in a room with one of the most feared of mythical creatures of all times.

I agree with Evi. This makes it cheesy, and I'm sure it doesn't do your writing-or this piece of writing particularly- justice.
Vasile had got rid of his dark doctor’s jacket, and had changed it to a fairly businesslike black, leather jacket. He gave me a levelled look, but the small smiled that never seemed to leave his face, did not leave.
“I call it stereotyping to say that. Not all of my kin like gothic… things,” he answered. “Although I might have a gothic museum in one of my other houses,” he said under his breath.
I stared at him for a second, “How many houses do you have?”
His face went blank for a moment as if he were doing some very hard calculations.
“One thousand and three thirds of a quarter divided by two.” He said after a minute of what would seem to be “intensive mathematical calculating,” as Vasile had explained it to me afterwards.
“Three thirds of a quarter divided by two?” I asked bewildered. That was probably the oddest mathematical equation I had ever heard… If not taken to account when Mike had told me in a very throughout way the gnomic calculation of “how many pickles can trot upon three thirds of a cheese, that is balancing on a needle made out of earwax.” I shivered at the memory. It had taken three hours for mike to conclude that the answer was in fact “syntax error times two raise to the power of two divided by two over X, which in turn meant that the answer would inevitably be 0 unless it was raining where as the answer would be 2, 8971 and even that much only if the pickles trotted with the speed of three nanometres per hour; in the end though, all of this was insufficient since pickles can’t trot, on account of they have no feet.

“Yes, three thirds of a quarter divided by two… Have you ever seen a house of a small blue gnome?” Vasile snapped me out of my thoughts.
“No, no I haven’t.”
“Then it is Three thirds of a quarter divided by two,” Vasile smiled at me warmly.
Melody stirred on her chair irritated “Have you two totally forgotten that I’m here?” she asked, her voice cold.
Vasile’s head turned to her with a fatherly smile, “I would never forget you,” he said. “A woman of your… Likeness could never be forgotten,” he lifted his eyebrow at her and asked: “Have you thought about my offer?”
“The answer is still no,” she turned at me “And we need to go.”
I saw the command in her eyes. She wanted to leave “Um, yes. We have to go now. We’re looking for Mike, one of my friends.”
Vasile suddenly glared at me “Mike Polar?”
“Um, yes.”
I heard Melody slap her hand on her face in frustration.
“He owes me some money. You two wouldn’t mind if I came with you,” He asked
Melody groaned but didn’t say anything.
“N-no,” I staggered.
Vasile clapped his hands together in an overly cheery way and said, “Then we should get going,”

He led us through one of the doors. On the other side we found a gothic style spiral staircase, the room looked like a tower in a gothic castle, lit by torches, the centuries old spider webs gave the room an even more eerie feel.
When we finally got to the end of the staircase we were met by a trap door on the ceiling.
I opened it and at the same time two things happened: I felt the moist and lush air hit my face with exotic splendour and at the same time I caught myself looking up at a young elf woman’s personal area. I felt blood rush to my cheeks and turned my head back down.
“Vasile where exactly are we?”
Vasile grinned widely “Oh I forgot to tell you? Welcome to loose stocking.”
My eyes widened, and I blushed.
“We’re in a pleasure house?!”
Vasile drew his head back in a laugh; I could see his teeth gleam in the torch light. Melody gave him a distasteful glare.[/quote]

Sorry it's taken me so long. I wrote a nice review for you, but I accidently deleted it. So, that's why its taken me extra long to get this to you. I might as well give you a virtual pile of books to throw at me or something. Anyways, onto the review.

Lord Anzius wrote:I was sitting on the operating table, which was, let’s face it: black. Everything was black in the room, and I think I had found out why.

I found this a tad bit repetitive. I know, it's only the first sentence of this part, but Chapter 8 part 1 constantly noted on how things were black. The main part that is repetitive is bolded. Maybe you could rephrase it or just take it out.

Lord Anzius wrote:“So, you like gothic… things?” my voice came out steadier than I had thought that it would, considering that I was sitting in a room with one of the most feared of mythical creatures of all times.

I agree with Evi. This makes it cheesy, and I'm sure it doesn't do your writing-or this piece of writing particularly- justice.

Lord Anzius wrote:He gave me a levelled look, but the small smiled that never seemed to leave his face, did not leave.

I agree with Evi here, too. Her suggestion was also very good.

Lord Anzius wrote:He led us through one of the doors. On the other side we found a gothic style spiral staircase, the room looked like a tower in a gothic castle, lit by torches, the centuries old spider webs gave the room an even more eerie feel.

I bolded two words! (They're the same, hint hint.) Do you know what I'm getting at? Repetition!
I'd suggest changing the second one, but do as you wish. Just decided to point it out, it kind of jumped out at me.

Lord Anzius wrote:“We’re in a pleasure house?!”
Vasile drew his head back in a laugh; I could see his teeth gleam in the torch light. Melody gave him a distasteful glare.

Poor Melody! Kind of made me laugh.

Characters
So, I'm still wondering about the characters. I guess that they may be developed earlier on, but you can never over develop a character, now can you? Though really, you should never develop a character and then half way through the book make them 2D once more. That's just not cool, man. So even if you did develop your characters earlier on, you've slacked off. They don't seem so...real. The most real is Melody, but she could still use some work. Sorry, I'm being extremely blunt here.

Some ways you could fix this problem would be going through character charts. Yep. Sometimes, they're boring and other times they're fun. Either way, it really helps if you get nitty gritty and think a lot about their past (and other stuff), because a lot of people make decisions because of things that happened to them in the past. It's like: How would you're character react in this situation? Or better yet, Why would they react the way they did?

Pace
The pace is a little bit fast. Its not to say, a bad thing, but if you slowed down, beefed up the story, it would be way better. Also, if it has a slower pace, you'll have more of a chance to actually develop your characters.

~MV