Young Writers Society

GOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOneGOne

This story was a bit all over the place. There was only a few gramatical errors, and I feel the character traits, and physical traits have to be described better. Besides that, describe their relationship more. Have they been best friends since first grade? How did they meet? You can go back and forth through time by explaining that.
Also describe the setting a bit as an outsider for an opening. Try to make it as interesting, or tense as possible.
You represent Janie as brave, show it stronger. As for all the punctuation errors and other errors...

Janie for being so brave, and knew that if they did get caught Janie would do anything t protect her. - I'm predicting you meant to say "to", instead of just "t".

She questioned if she should quit their expedition early and started walking back to Sara-You just forgot the period.

“Wait a sec., he’ll come back.” - you put a period in front of the comma, it's not needed, take it out.

“Sara! You’re not going to…”- I'm pretty sure you used the periods to represent an interuption. Use - instead.

Besides that, good job. Just try to make the plot more clear, and explain "he" better. Good luck!
*winie*

“I thought I heard something!”

The fact that it's all over the place is explained in the next chapter. Sorry if it's confusing.

Hi there, I am here to review, like you requested!

My nit-picks:

and eat us for dinner

--Now, this sounds a slightly childish thing to say. I don't know the girls' actual ages, but I'm sure they're older than to still be saying "he'll eat me for dinner". Do you see where I'm coming from? (:

hand on you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Sara watched a frog stuck his tongue far out to catch a fly, something she’d seen on TV.

“Come on.[replace with a comma]” Janie whispered and started heading toward the cabin

Sara turned her head toward Janie and blinked in a way that she had just been under hypnosis

--This reads slightly awkward. Try reading through it and rephrasing it.

“Sara, let’s go home. We saw his house that’s good enough. I bet nobody’s ever even gotten this far, not even stupid Jimmy Windmen.”

Sara turned her head toward Janie and blinked in a way that she had just been under hypnosis.

“No, let’s continue, No point in turning back now.”

Janie had to hand it to Sara. She may be the sweetest and shyest person she knew, but she could really be brave when she wanted to be.

--You need to make it clearer as to who's saying what. At the end of these two speeches add in a Sara said, Janie muttered, etc...

When she was sure they were safe[add in a comma] Janie crept forward first and went up to the porch to a window to look inside.

The girls kept their heads just below the ledge,[s] again just [/s]incase the man inside had heard them coming up the stairs and was looking out to see what it was

--Also how do they know that there's a man inside the house without seeing what's in it first? Expand on this.

She didn’t want to be the reason they got caught,[full stop] Silently, Sara [s]she silently [/s]looked up to Janie for being so brave, and knew that if they did get caught Janie would do anything to protect her

Not that she would know, [s]she was [/s] being an only child

Sara put her head up to see inside. She noticed it didn’t look much like a cabin, more like a really nice house. Not at all like she had imagined. It even looked a little; well she couldn’t say fancy because it didn’t look like the home of someone who spent their money on their house the way Joanna Johnson’s mom did. But it was very nice in a way that made you think fancy.

-- Expand on the description, more showing instead of telling.

Sara was jerked out of her analysis of the house when she heard footsteps

Both girls jumped as they heard a dog in the back yard start barking and clanging against his kennel. The girls watched as the man grabbed a bag of dog food from the pantry and went out the back door. They listened as he pored the food into a metal dish

--Where are they? Expand on the description as I can't picture where all the characters are, and how this is all happening without the man seeing them. Read through this and try and make it clearer by adding some imagery and descriptions.

Overall Thoughts
--At the end, you need to make sure it's crystal clear who's saying what by adding a few, Janie said's or Sara whispers somewhere and overall add in more description to help improve this.
-- Otherwise this was very good, and with those few small details cleared up, it should help to improve this further!!
-- Congratulations on a great first post!! (: I hope this review helped you out and if you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to PM me, as I'll be more than happy to help!!

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey =]

You've been following one of my stories so I thought I'd take a look at this for ya'

Nit-piks first;

“Janie, wait up!”
“Come on Sara.”
“Janie, I’m not so sure we should be doing this.”
“Come on scardy cat, keep up.” - I think you should add in some direction here, so we know how it's being said. At the moment, the only clue we have about how the word are being spoken, are the words themsleves. Suggestion; 'Come on, Sara.' - Does Janie say it with a sigh because she's fed up of Sara's moaning? Or does she say it through her teeth as shes annoyed at Sara?

Sara stops, trying to find the right words to say. - I think that 'stops' should be 'stopped'

Janie turns around to see Sara standing completely - Same here in that I think 'turns' should be 'turned' It read okay for the first parts, but then you switched to writing things like 'stopped' and 'whispered' - Sorry if this is confusing, I'm not very good at explaining things I just think that it's okay to write 'stops' if you're going to use it instead of 'stopped' throughout the piece. At the moment, you seem to pick and choose which one you write throughout the whole piece, and it's kind of distracting as a reader.

Sara makes a motion of zipping her lips shut - Switch 'makes' for 'made'

stuck his tongue - 'stuck' should be 'stick'

Then it kind of grossed her out. - I'd add in 'had' after 'it'

why she had though - 'though' should be 'thought'

We saw his house that’s good enough. - Comma after 'house'

went up to the porch to a window to look inside. - This read a bit awkwardly. Maybe re-phrase it to something like; 'went up to the porch, where she peered through one of the windows to take a look inside.'

incase the the man - You only need one 'the'

that if they did get caught Janie would do anything to protect her. - Comma after 'caught'

peaked the top of her head above the - 'peaked' should be 'peeked'

There were nice navy blue couches - Comma between 'nice' and 'navy'

wood table against - 'wooden table'

turned around a knife from the knife holder. - I don't think this made sense. Do you mean that he turned around with a knife?

he walking - 'he' should be 'he's'

Janie scooched Sara over to try - I know what you're trying to say, but I don't think that 'scooched' is a word. I don't know if it's just because I'm from England and it's not a word over here

“Janie I don’t see him anywhere.” - Comma after 'Janie'

Overall;

This was a pretty interesting start and I'm intrigued to know why the two girls are at this man's house in the first place.

Apart from the nit-piks, this was an enjoyable read. Can you PM me when you post the next par, please?

I hope that this review was of some help to you

xDudettex

I thought that this was pretty good. It's intriguing, which is good(Duh). (: There weren't too many grammatical errors, but I'm not very good at catching them. Everyone else got the ones I saw, anyway.

Now, with that said, on with my critique. I think you should describe the bond between Sara and Janie more. You say that they trust each other, but I don't see description. Describe why they're so close and why they trust each other. Just stuff like that.

I would just like to say, nice ending. It left me hanging and wanting more. (:

Overall, I'd say good job, but it needs some work. I believe with a little more work and revision, you will have a really interesting story.

~Tiger

I thought that story was very good and I would encourage you to keep writing.
There were a few grammar mistakes. They can easily be prevented by revising your story. One thing I liked about the characters is how different you made them think. However, there needs to be a bit more information that explains what is going on. More adjectives would be nice.
Hope to read more from you soon!